My Dad had a stroke in March. Recovering well and wants to drive again. Failed Fit to Drive test in NJ. Moved to FL, wants me to not tell.

I believe he should have to take and pass a behind the wheel test in this situation and I would not hide any information that would interfere with that happening.

As he is recovering well then as long as he starts at the beginning of the process in Florida and passes all their steps I don't see a historic failure in NJ really matters - he has to get through all stages - if he has improved and is now fit to drive he will pass, if not he will fail.

Update: First off, thank you for the ideas, kind words, good counsel and support. Saw the new neurologist today for my Mom. Told her I'm bringing my Dad in next and that he wants to drive. She is going to help. Thank you for helping me have the fortitude to do this. It's so hard.

Veronica, did u check the license and make sure its not an ID only? This will solve your problem if its an ID.

My mom with Alzheimer's lived with us. I wrote a note to her doctor, before a visit, explaining her reluctance to give up driving, even though I drove her everwhere. Her doc reinforced the fact that I was her "chauffeur" and she didn't need to drive. My mom was reluctant to even listen to the doc. Luckily, my mom's car stopped working, so that took care of the problem. I even wrote a book about Hubby and I taking care of her called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I have a chapter entitled, "Car-Ma."

Before my mom got sick, she knew of people who wouldn't give up driving, and she told me she'd never endanger herself or others, by doing that, but when Alzheimer's hit, all reasoning went out the window. She could be sneaky; she'd even find the keys that I hid. Maybe you could talk to your dad's doc, and see what he or she suggests. There have been other great suggestion here as well.

Best if he can be convinced to give up license on his own. Hard thing but he had one stroke and could have another so best to pull his license before he hurts himself or another. My husband stopped driving on his own after a minor fender bender. Good luck and I sure understand. Folks need to get around and driving is the only way.

"Do drivers moving to Florida have to retake the written test again? Yes, when you move to Florida you'll need to pass the written test when you transfer your out-of-state license. While much of the information on the written test is very similar from state to state, there are some nuances you'll need to know."

Will you feel more guilty about telling on him or about the deaths (his and others) he could very likely cause if he tries?

Tell them.

VeronicaB: Imho, do not be a party to his scheme of lying as there could be legal ramifications, which may come back to you. That is just one element. The other being a serious lack of being able to operate a motor vehicle. My late mother, who was a legally blind woman (she had peripheral vision) said "a car is a weapon" and gave up her DL long before it was time.

First of all, I would think before Florida issues any licenses, etc. they would check his past in NJ and would then not issue anything. I am not sure of that. I would contact the people in Florida - phone/person AND in writing telling them to put t his into his records. He does not need to know this. What do his doctors say? Does he have access to a car - where? Whose is it? Could a private driving instructor test him and you could get an evaluation. I can well understand the need to drive but I also see the other side. I don't know how to help. I think a doctor needs to tell him that he failed the test and he cannot drive.....period!

I agree with all the replies emphasizing safety, for dad and others on the road when he is driving. Suggest to him that he can 'retire' from the hassle of driving in traffic and be 'chauffeured' now; spin it like a luxury instead of a loss of freedom.
BTW, friends, there is a service for seniors who do not use cellphones, called Go Go Grandma, that can summon any available ride company for the elder with just a landline; it's out of San Francisco, operates like a taxi service: you pay a certain (variable) amount and each ride is deducted from the rider's balance, then you 're-up' the plan; elder does not need to even worry about cost of each ride, tips, etc., as long as they have money in their 'chauffeur account'!

My mom couldn't drive safely and ran into another car. The officer who took the report didn't realize how bad her eyesight is so she only got a ticket.

I told my mom I wouldn't help her find a new car and I loved her enough to let her be mad at me. Yes it was hard for her to give up driving. It would be even harder if she actually killed anyone.

We helped get senior transportation through the county where she lived and a local charity offered her rides to the store and doctor appointments,

She got over being mad at me quickly because she realized that if she was rude to me, I wouldn't be around.

You can contact the DMV in Florida and explain what happened in NJ. Also make sure all of his medical providers know about it. If he tries to get an exemption from them, they will be liable for damages and won't want to have that happen. You don't have to tell him that you are doing this.

Also, doctors may not be able to tell you anything because of privacy laws, but they can listen to what you tell them.

If he asks you to help him get a car or a license, say no. If he can't do it on his own, then he isn't capable of driving either.

It will help him, if you acknowledge how difficult this is for him and that you will help him get alternate transportation.

My answer may not be popular but :
Think hungry lawyers. If there is any accident, injury or death caused by the driver there is any number of hungry lawyers waiting to empty all your savings, and all your / his estate in a wrongful injury death suit.
Once they search all driving records and DMV records they will subpeonea his past medical and driving records to present their clients need to the jury for deliberation. If he has a failed test and a good lawyers finds it you're done. They can sue to take all he has. And may find you negligent.
Check with your family attorney asap.

We were in a similar situation with my mom. We learned that if a doctor does not release you and indicate that you are able to drive your insurance is considered null and void should you have an accident. My mom's doctor was the one to tell us this. Once my mom was told this she agreed to a driving eval.
I also learned from the driving evaluator that in many states anyone can make an anonymous report to the DMV voicing concerns regarding someone's ability to drive and the DMV will request that the person have a driving eval. ( this is the case in Indiana where we live) If the person fails to do so within a certain period of time their license is revoked by the DMV. It may be worth you time to check into the DMV policies/laws in Florida.
While you hate to take such steps and feel like you are sneaking around behind their backs, given the seriousness of having them on the road if they are not safe to be driving, taking these steps maybe necessary.

I would arrange for testing him behind the wheel again without telling him this time. In the meantime, you'll have to watch so that he doesn't start driving without telling you, and take him wherever he wants to go. He still shouldn't be driving. If he doesn't understand why he can't drive, then he has some form of dementia. I don't think explaining more to him will do him any good at this point.

Communications between DMV in different states is supposed to be automatic, BUT don't rely on that.
When you contact FLA DMV, get the name and address and title of the person you speak with. Write it down. Then send them a written letter with signature required for delivery, so that you have documentation of your action. That protects you, I think.
AARP does a safe driving for seniors short class and some assessments. A place to get unbiased information for decision making.
A drivers education company might have some resources for him. I'd suggest having a trained professional assess his driving. Keeps you and your sister one step removed.
Framing this as gathering information so that you can all have an idea what is involved might help avoid escalation into open warfare. (If you have adult children, this is a teaching moment for your driving and their responsibility in a couple of decades.
Aging is like adolescence in reverse. This time, losing skills and body changes that are all losses, instead of gaining them. Driver's license is a big deal when you are 16, especially for men.
The Travelers insurance web site might have good information.
And the idea of helping him get familiar with alternate transportation sources now, maybe with you or your sister riding along with him, is great.
Good luck. This is a passage that is hard to navigate.

Get a local Doctor to reevaluate and if he doesn't pass have the Doc give the bad news so he doesn't resent you

Don’t help him drive if you know he failed the test, don’t put yourself at ANY risk of lawsuit , especially if you knew he was unfit. You never know what stupid laws are out there that would hold you liable.

Unfortunately this may end up more work for you.

Good luck

Call the Florida DMV, explain, and tell them that he HAS TO take the test. And then DMV will tell them they called (whatever state he lived in) DMV, and they told new state about failing, and so he HAS TO take the test (and pass). I'm sure they'd ask for his old driver's license as record anyway. Good luck...and thank you for getting him off the road!

Someone helped me with this…. Your dad is concerned about how he will get around without driving. I started having my dad use Uber and Lyft. It worked well. I had to lock the car so he was unable to drive and I eventually sold the car. (I have a Power of Attorney). Good luck.

Tell him that at his age Florida is going to know he had a drivers license before and will search for a driving record/license before they issue one in Florida. Better to tell the truth than get caught in a lie. Or set up the appointment for him and tell Florida that he needs a behind the wheel test when he comes in. Then all you have to do is say, I called to set up the appt and they require a behind the wheel test.

You might also tell him that getting insurance without passing a test (after failing one) won't be possible. He has to pass the driving test and has to have insurance to drive.

Tell Fl. about the N.J. test. This is not about him "wanting to drive", but public safety. How will you feel if an accident occurs, and someone dies...???

My father had a very bad stroke in 2000 and never recovered functional use of his right arm or leg, despite this he was determined to lead as normal a life as possible and took his driving test in rush hour traffic in the city and passed! He continued driving for many years until his death several years later. I must say we were all very concerned for his and others' safety when he insisted on driving but looking back I'm so glad he was able to as it gave him so much independence and pleasure. It was a tough test but he prepared himself for it and we were told he passed with flying colours! He was 75.

I know every case is different but maybe you should give him a second chance especially as you say he is making such a good recovery. Hope he continues to improve.

Dear VeronicaB, I very much liked Beatty’s idea that “A lot can happen in 6 months. Dad may get used to Taxi/Uber/Senior bus & adjust well to not driving.” Can you persuade your dad by pretending that he only needs to use those services until he is physically better and until he knows your town better? Tell him to take Uber, Lyft, taxi or bus to his appointments as he watches the route carefully until he knows Jupiter like the back of his hand, then maybe he can drive. Jupiter’s senior bus fare is $.75, a great deal!

Please make sure you stop your dad’s driving days before tragedy occurs. So many of us have gone through the identical situation and have sympathy, but don’t forget, no matter how well your dad improves from his stroke right now, the harsh truth is that you can’t stop his downward trajectory due to aging.

At some point dad’s driving will get worse and worse, and if you haven’t already stopped his driving, an accident will destroy your life as the insured. As MJ1929 pointed out, if there’s an accident and your insurance company realizes you deceived them as to your dad’s driving ability, they won’t cover an accident. The injured party or bereaved relatives will come after you monetarily, and almost assuredly win. Your personal life and future earnings are way more important than your dad’s unhappiness at not being able to drive himself.

Call D.M.V. in Florida and tell them his falure and his intentions. If he can not produce a current lisense they will have to test him. He currently has a medical reason to terminate his lisence and they should have access to that,and reject his application. They will tell him if he is stopped without a license He will be arrested due to past suspension of license. If he drives without a license and has a accident you will be a "willing participant" by not "reporting to Fla. D.M.V. You will be subject to Florida laws because you witheald his criminal intent.

I had a stroke 3 years ago and another one in January of this year. I didn't pass the stroke test the first time. I was angry. See if there is a rehab center that your dad can go to so that he can get his reflexes back. My husband told me it was just temporary and if I went to physical therapy and occupational therapy and got my license back in 3 months. Whatever you do don't let him drive. If he kills someone he will never be able to forgive himself. Good luck!

Take away the keys and get rid of his car. End of story.

Bless you, I know how you feel, I was constantly asking dad to give up driving, little did I know that he'd had strokes - he never showed any signs of them - they were in the balance center of his brain. Dad finally agreed to give up driving but but complained that I made him quit for the next couple of years.

I agree with the others - until he gets his license the hard way take him off your insurance.

It's hard to give up driving for some - a loss of independence and another blow to their self esteem. You've got some time to work with him about driving. After the time is up see where things stand. Let him know its not him you're worried about (you know he is a safe drive); its about the other drivers that you are worried about (even if the statement isn't exactly true).

Good Luck.

Idk if what my brother and I did was the best way to go about addressing that same situation, but we told Dad (who was 88 with AD) that his hip doctor (his most recent surgery at that time) forbid him from driving and was unable to change that due to state regulations. Dad was really chapped and demoralized b/c it’s a huge loss of independence, but he accepted it. Neither I nor my brother wanted to be the bad guy. We remained supportive and showed Dad other means available to get places. He wasn’t thrilled, but accepted it. We also sold his car so he could get top dollar for it- or that’s what we told him to make that happen. Dad always wanted to get a good deal! A bit deceitful, but necessary. Dad couldn’t look backward, wasn’t aware like he should be and was to the point of endangering himself & others behind the wheel. At that point it’s not about feelings, it’s about responsibility and safety! Good luck!!

I respect anyone telling you that safety is important. It is. Someone will not like this post, but we all need to be able to share perspectives.

Give your Dad your own driving test in a big empty parking lot somewhere.
Maybe his recovery is miraculous! Driving is a memory skill like riding a bicycle, however more detailed and nuanced. That means if all those functions work, and he was a good driver before, and all those necessary brain functions are healed and can be demonstrated to function, then maybe he can drive better than most of the yayhoos doing stupid stuff on the road. We shoot for perfection when driving, but the grace of God keeps us alive, because no one is a perfect driver though many are close too.

He wants to drive. Maybe he has asked himself the same questions about is it safe? Safety is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT, but so is it also important to not throw someone on the "Done" heap. We could all take a moment and put ourselves in the position of the person with the challenge(s). That's really what I'm saying. Of course don't lie. Maybe you don't have that option anyway.

You've got a little time. You don't have to decide today.
Prayer for you and your Dad.