My dad did not want to be a care giver for my mom with Alzheimer's. He put her in memory care and he is living with another woman.

Does your mother have an existing DPOA? Or is your father exercising decision making in his role as her husband? Has your mother been declared incompetent? or just diagnosed? Do you agree she needs to be in MC?

Why divorce? Is this about what your mother wants/needs or about you striking back at your Dad? What benefits do you see a divorce bringing your mother?

ALZ is a terrible disease. Many of the people on this site are very strong (physically and emotionally) and loving enough to care for their ALZ spouse through all the years of the disease progression. Others are not. It's easy to believe your father has abandoned your mother and is betraying her with another woman - and maybe he is. It's also possible that he's devastated by your mother's condition and running as hard and fast from that pain as he can. That he has taken up with the other woman because he cannot stand to be alone. 

He has placed your mother in MC - many experienced caregivers on this site would say that's probably where she needs to be. That may be the most loving thing your father can do. Please try to make sure your anger is about your father's actions and not escalated by your anger over the unfairness of your mother developing ALZ.

Are you thinking he will leave mom high and dry?

If you are worried he will steal all of the money, consult a trusted lawyer and find out how you can protect her care.

Caregiving is very hard, don't hate him for not being able to do it. Is this other woman much younger? Could she be exploiting your dad? Just because he says it all good, doesn't mean that all is up and up, coercion by a younger woman can make a man stupid, for lack of a better term.

Best of luck getting to the bottom of this mess.

There are a lot of “if’s”. If your mom was of sound mind when she appointed your father as POA, it’s a binding document. You cannot take over POA. Mom would have to revoke the first POA naming your father and then appoint you. If she is not mentally competent, her signature would be invalid. The best you can do is apply for guardianship of Mom. If their assets are joint, Dad can do whatever he wants. However, if Mom is on Medicaid, there will be a lien on the house and he will have to pay Medicaid back from the profits of the sale. If bank accounts are joint, Dad can also use that money. Again, if Mom is on Medicaid, they don’t miss much when they do the five year lookback. If somehow your father did manage to put something past them, he will be found out.

What he is doing is distasteful to you, for sure. But you need to have proof that he is “hiding assets”. Once you have that, consult an attorney about how to proceed.

I know a family that experienced this. The adult children chose not to speak to their dad any longer after their mother was placed in a nursing home and their dad moved on with his new girlfriend. It was a sad chapter for what had been a wonderful family. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it. I’d suggest you consult an elder care attorney to find out what your options might be