My caregiving is affecting my career. Any advice?

Continue to be firm in boundaries. Let her know of your plans and the reasons you stated in your post. Tell that she must accept other caregivers/care options and stick to it. DO NOT let her manipulate or guilt trip you. Giving into her whims only reinforces her control over you and further increases her insatiable desire for more control. You owe it to yourself to save for retirement and the plan for your inevitable needs as you age. Many elderly parents (who probably never had to be caregivers for their parents) are oblivious to the sacrifices their children make or all the conundrum that goes with caregiving. Unfortunately, some are just plain selfish and don’t care. Stay strong. Don’t give up on your plans.

hi im a in home care giver i have a client in similar situation. have you looked into in home care giver agencies she may qualify . hope help is around the corner.

And as far as getting help from agencies or state/government resources, my experience has been that it isn’t what it’s cracked up to be due to all of the rules and limitations and red tape involved with getting help from these places. Even if you are approved, they take over your (the care recipients) finances and monitor everything spent and going out and if they don’t approve of it they will discontinue their limited help anyway. It’s a lot of regulations to endure and go through in order to receive their help which again is very limited and doesn’t include the particulars that most recipients want.
xoxoxo
susan

Country mouse is right. Just because your mother wants things a certain way doesn’t mean she gets them that way unless she is the one doing the work. You are an adult. You get to make decisions for yourself. Once you are a self supporting adult your mother no longer gets to tell you what to do.

I don't think anyone can give you advice on how to handle this, no.

I will try to explain why.

Because... you think the decision is your mother's to make.

She insists I drop everything.
She insists on staying alone in her home [where there aren't any accessible caregiver services].
She insists she wants me to be the one she can call on.
She [Mom] is of a generation that believes it is the oldest daughter's responsibility to take care of elderly parents.

As long as you believe she actually does have the right of veto, nothing anyone says to you is going to do anything but twist the knife.

By the way. I've certainly come across past generations' general belief that it was an *unmarried* daughter's natural duty to take on elder care. But the oldest daughter's job? - I think someone's brainwashing you, there. What generation is that, then?

If it isn't a rude question, how old is your mother and how old are you and your husband?

If you have resources and access to the equivalent of a ten mule team for emotional and physical support, to delegate tasks to help you, a stable steady second source of sustainable income, and even a little time of a heads up to prepare for what lies ahead, all right there within your reach and mutually committed like you are, by all means, carry on with caring for mom.
Otherwise, tread lightly continuing to care for mom. Your red flags are already in place and flying. Consider every angle with yours being the first to be considered.
xoxoxo
susan
statistics show that there is more outside human interaction in Siberia when compared to that of caregivers in the USA

Could you start by researching sources of help she could access for her needs? The insist she use them, each time a crisis occurs? Parents may have these expectation, but that does not obligate anybody to fulfill them. The fact is that our whole economic and social system is undergoing tremendous change.  Just sticking your heels in and refusing to work with the changes will only succeed if you have huge amounts of money for workarounds. Not many of us do. I would do what is best for you and find sources for help and services she can use and explain that she must "man up" and use them.

I think that you need to tell both your Mother and your siblings that you cannot be the go-to person anymore. Do tell Mom you may be moving now, and will be in full time school with your job, and that you are sorry but you cannot do what you have in the past any longer. Offer to take her to care facilities in your area. That is about all you can do. Give a time in which this is going to occur. Apologize to all that you have failed the test for entry into Sainthood, so they might as well put their arrows back in the quiver.

Hello-
first, allow me to rephrase “my obligations to my mom” to “my obligations to my job”. After all, they hired you with the understanding that you would be the best candidate for the position, they pay you for doing your ‘obligations’ and now they want to promote/ advance you and increase your salary/benefits for YOUR livelihood and retirement.
next, how does “my obligations to myself” sound? After all, you are responsible for your future and you have an opportunity to prepare for it and your retirement. Plus, it will prevent your children from having “obligations to mom” later in life. Now that you know, you wouldn’t want to put them or anyone else through the “obligations to my mom” burden I’m sure.
Just try to re-think things from those angles, see if it helps.
last, many of us on here can tell you what your future and retirement will most likely be if you continue with “your obligations to your mom”:

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————.
exactly, there will be nothing there, blank.
i may come across sounding callous, if so, I apologize, but unfortunately, the sound of experience is also a voice of reality. Please love yourself enough and read some of the many posts on here related to your current situation so you can fairly choose what’s best for YOU.

xoxoxo
susan

Im1984,

Do whatever you need to do for you. You have been a wonderful daughter and cared for your mom.

Don’t ever allow anyone to make you think that you must continue being a caregiver, not a relative, friend of the family. neighbor, fellow poster on this site, no one should try to coerce you into more caregiving.

If you are considering a facility and someone tells you it’s a shame if she is put in a facility, then tell them they are welcome to take over. I bet they will change their tune and shut up. If your siblings step up to the bat and care for your mom that is their business. Let them do it.

I was a caregiver to mom in her home for many years while balancing my life with work and family. It’s hard. Then she moved into my home. That was really hard. I welcomed mom. She had lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. I felt awful for her loss and she couldn’t drive any longer. She had seizures and Parkinson’s disease. Over time it became too much to handle, emotionally and physically. She is now with my brother and sister in law. I went no contact because my brother isn’t someone I can be around.

Anyway, I wish you all the best and follow your heart. You deserve to live your life and prepare for your future.

Junko,

I feel the only way you would grasp a realistic view of what others face is for you to step inside of their homes and care for their loved ones. You would also have to work at their job and take their course load at school. All of these situations could be vastly different from your situation.

I am sure you mean well and you are following your convictions. That is your business. Whatever worked for you in the past or now is wonderful. I am thrilled for you but you can’t generalize and say that what worked for you will work for them.

The only thing that your insistence of doing what you did will accomplish is perhaps a feeling of guilt or not being good enough and this daughter has and is doing her best at caregiving. The OP is equally important to her mom. She is not selfish. She should not feel any guilt.

Please open your eyes and know that not everyone is a ‘joy’ to be around and caregiving becomes a heavy burden. In fact, even if the caregiver loves their parent, the parent can be a real pain in the butt. The caregiver becomes riddled with anxiety and depression.

Some people have extremely unpleasant personalities. It isn’t about forgiveness of their behavior as you suggest. Then what, continue the mayhem. It’s about keeping your sanity.

Please don’t respond if you are going to say that it can be done because you did it. You did it with your mom, your classes and your job. You don’t have a clue as to what their mom, their course load would be or their job is. Every situation is different.

The OP has done all she can. She deserves to live her own life and focus on school and her career so she can secure her future. She sounds very smart and is a sensible rational person.

Please don’t make her feel guilty. Tell her to do what she needs to do for herself. Would you want someone caring for you knowing that you are holding them back? I have two daughters that I have already told I don’t want them to put their lives on hold for me.

Oh, by the way I know what I am talking about. I was a caregiver to my mom for decades and 15 of those were in my home. I was also a caregiver to my dad and brother. Burnout is real!

My dad was a joy but it’s still exhausting. My mom and brother became a nightmare. I forgive but that doesn’t mean I ever want my mom back in my home. My brother is dead.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase right along with her expectations of you. You will regret giving up this opportunity that you want to take.

Stop being so available to your mother. There is no need for her to know your schedule down to the number of days, hours and minutes she can fill with her honey do list. What you do with your spare time is your business, not hers.

You need to consolidate how you help her into a reasonable amount of time once a week or every other week or whatever works for you.

"...when she is in dire need of something she insists I drop whatever I'm doing and help her, even if I'm at work..." You will lose your job if you drop everything. Every employer has limits on patience. You are being paid to do a job and there's plenty of people who can take your place. And what exactly is it that she is in "dire" need of? Unless she's in the hospital, it's NOT an emergency and she needs wait.

As to how to handle this with your mother, no conversation is going to make her understand. When my in-laws started making unreasonable demands of my husband he and I had a conversation about his parents treating him like a child. That's what your mother is doing - she is treating you like a child who comes when called.

The best way for you to establish healthy *adult* boundaries with your mother is let your actions speak louder than your words. If she calls while you're at work, let it go to voicemail. If she gives you a mile-long honey do list, prioritize it and get done what's important and let the rest wait.

Going back to school is time consuming. I've done it - twice - and you are not going to have much spare time. It's good that you're thinking about it in advance of moving because that gives you time to speak to a geriatric care manager or aging care coordinator in the county to help you. You probably have more resources available than you think.

From an earlier post, I read that your mother is in her late 80's and lives next door to you. Your father is in a SNF?

How far away are your other siblings? I have to say, my mother also expected me to do things for her when she lived "independently" in her condo. I was 7 minutes away, and my brothers were states away. Fortunately, I work for my H, so any time spent driving my mother around wasn't counted. But, still, I grew to resent it very much because my mother was unappreciative and told me my time wasn't worth anything. A little bit of appreciation would have gone a long way, and maybe I wouldn't have requested payment for the time I spent driving her around in the two years I had to drive her around. But the payment made it bearable for me. (And she never knew; she'd said, "You don't pay family!", but my POA brother paid me, anyway.)

It is so unfair when parents expect one child to do it all.

I hope you take the advice here. What is your mother's financial situation? Could she afford AL? What are the future plans if she will need constant caregiving?

Juno I have to disagree....you had 8 other people to help you! These weren't toddlers, they were adults or near adults. This is an entirely different situation. Were you also working a full time to and supporting yourself while advancing your education? I worked full time while solely supporting two toddler and advanced my education with two professional degrees. That was HARD. There was no way I could add in taking care of a senior to all of that.

OP-have a heart to heart with your mom. Tell her you have an opportunity that you have to take so the two of you will have to re-evaluate how she gets assistance. Research AL facilities. Or maybe start with finding an older woman to come in two or three times a week to assist mom with laundry and shopping. Don't give up your future for some misplaced idea that you are solely responsible for your mother.

Put her in a facility, or leave her to her own devices. You're beggaring you're own golden years for no good reason. No parent should EVER expect their child to do this.

"Mom insists on staying in her home alone and there are very few caregiver options where she lives."

If Mom needs help, then this isn't just Mom's decision anymore. I firmly believe a child has a duty to be an advocate for a parent. A child does not have a duty to sacrifice their life providing direct care. If your mother is competent, which I assume since you did not mention dementia, then she needs to make cooperative decisions and not insist on requiring others to provide help with daily living.

My mother moved into my home. She has MCI with major short term memory issues and mobility problems; however her pleasant and cooperative personality has remained intact, we have a good relationship, and I could work her into my household life without major issues. It works for us now even though Mom has declined to a point I don't leave her alone in the house for more than 30-60 minutes (adult day care and in home care hours paid for by Mom provide respite), but if the day comes where she cannot bear her own weight during transfers, my own health issues will mean placing her in AL. I'm the grandmother generation and my social life is mainly attending kid's events and gatherings with friends and family. Mom stays with her younger sister when I needed to occasionally travel for business and now (post retirement) when I vacation. If I were in my 30s with a traveling job, Mom needing daily help for more than a few days/weeks at a time would probably not have worked. Mom did have joint replacement surgeries when I was in my 30s and I worked from home a week or two, prepared meals on the weekends, and arranged family members to help with daily tasks while I was out of town.

Maybe your mother needs placement in an AL now so she has someone available to assist her whether you are at work or school, traveling, or enjoying a social life. Being dependent on in home care is difficult and nearly impossible when you are remote. Hired care givers do not show up or provide a good quality of care from time to time. I have a group of privately sourced care givers for respite that works, but if something comes up and someone cancels at the last minute, the impact to me is missing a ball game, dinner out, or a concert. No impact on a job anymore.

I suggest you have a talk with your mother where you inform her you have a great opportunity and have chosen to take it. Your new opportunity requires a move and you want/need to help get her settled in a situation where her needs are met before you move because you will be hours to days away after the move. Research available options in her area and your new location: AL or maybe senior apartment with in home care provided by an agency options. Discuss the options with Mom; she has choices, but she needs to make a good one that considers your needs too. If she considers moving near you, make sure she realizes she may need to move again some day when your career requires another move. Explain if your mother chooses to remain in a home where support options are limited, she may find herself with far less control when being quickly placed by a hospital social worker following a fall or other health event. Independence comes with a risk; acknowledging daily help is needed and finding a solution now has far less.

It may very well be a difficult conversation; however, the difficult conversation is much easier than all the possible results of not having the conversation - both for you and your mother. Try to remain calm even if your mother becomes upset. Provide information and break off to allow your mother time to review and consider. Portray AL as the opportunity for you to ensure her needs are met and for her to have socialization and friends of her own instead of becoming isolated in her home. Emphasize your need to secure your own future too.

The question is, do you trade your dreams, your job, and your financial future for your mother's insistence upon staying alone in her own home, in spite of the fact that she needs too much help in order to do so? The infamous "I want to be independent by relying on others 100%" which means they're NOT independent at all, but reliant on others to stay in their own homes!!

She can move into Independent Living, which has a continuum of care so that she can move into Assisted Living and Skilled Nursing as the need arises. Or your siblings can take over for you. Those are 2 viable options for the future.

Even though mother prefers to call upon you for all of her needs, preferences don't always prevail, right? I prefer to win the lottery, but I never seem to............

Wishing you the best of luck pursuing YOUR dreams & goals moving forward.

You need to take care of yourself first.  Let your mom and siblings know your plans.  I can guarantee you, your siblings wont take care of you.

OP please take the opportunity to advance your career. It is likely your mom will still be around when you get your advanced degree. A higher salary will enable you to pay for better care for her if necessary.

I have missed out on many advancement opportunities because of my parents health. I did manage to do a degree in night school over 4 years while dealing with a full time job and family health issues. However my plans of getting a better job were scuppered when my mother decided to have elective surgery during my final exams. I had to come straight home after my last exam and look after her instead of looking for new jobs. Then my father got seriously ill after that. They both have had health issues all my life but I graduated in 2004. They are both still alive and all my spare time outside work is spent on them. I have had to pick myself up from illness and burnout because I was expected to keep going for their sake. I am single and have no siblings.

OP do not end up angry, bitter and burnt out like me. Please do your advanced degree and focus on your future no matter what some well-meaning posters say. I suspect that these people have never been at the real coalface of caring, if they had they would think differently.

Get your siblings to muck in with your mothers care. If they are married and have families of their own that's no excuse, indeed it's more of a reason for you to look out for yourself.

Good luck with your studies.

Oh yes. Career. Your mom will most likely understand eventually that she needs more help than you if you simply say "I can't. I'm working". Then it's time to get her home care or in assisted living.

If 1984 is ur birth date than ur about 36. Mom can't be much more than 60. I have a friend that has health problems since I can remember. At 70, she now has Parkinson's. But she has had to go it all alone and has done it. With lots of complaints and some help from friends.

Your siblings now have to get involved. This is your future. The opportunity may not come again. Call Office of Aging and find out what resources are out there for Mom. Maybe its time to have that talk about a nice AL. Be blunt, "Mom, this is an opportunity I "am not" giving up". Don't say it like "Mom, this is an opportunity I can't give up." Gives her the idea your mind can be changed. Tell her its time to depend on her other children. I am the oldest and only girl so I know where ur coming from.

I think it is wonderful that your mother can depend on you. It speaks volumes of your character. She did a beautiful job raising you.

Perhaps you can advance your career and continue to be of loving service to your mother at the same time. Talk to her about your concerns—the desire to advance your career, the possibility of relocating, and the importance of securing your own financial future.

Forgive her if she doesn’t respond positively right away. She may have health issues that cloud her mind. Proceed anyway and give her time to accept your plan.

Would it help if she moved in with you? Taking care of my mother is much easier now that she lives with me. Removing her household expenses provided her with the funds necessary for private help. I have private caretakers come in several times a week. They take her shopping, prepare meals, clean house, and keep her company.

She understands I have other responsibilities and is adapting very nicely. In fact, while she resisted for many years, I believe she is quite happy living with me. As time passes, your mother will undoubtedly need more help. Having her under the same roof will help you both recognize her everchanging limitations. As such, you will be in a better position to transition into new plans for her care as it becomes necessary.

Im1984, you have a tough decision to make here.

I think the only way to do this is to be honest with your mother and tell her that you can no longer be her "go to", default emergency person. She needs more care than you will be able to give, going forward, and that you will be happy to help her arrange for caregivers or a good facility.

The world changed between generations. When your mother was young, women stayed at home and kept house for their husbands did all the childcare and eldercare. For free.

In our world, women have jobs, mortgages and responsibilities outside the home. The care of elders (and children) is now a professional, paid endeavor and adjustments need to be made by elders who grew up with one set of expectations and are now faced with another.

Don't let your mother use fear, obligation and guilt to make you give up your dreams. Decide sensibly what you want to pursue and then talk to her local Area Agency on Aging to get a "needs assessment".

Good luck and (((((((hugs)))))))!

Only you can make this decision. But speaking from my own experience, I would advise you to pursue your career. I missed many wonderful job opportunities in caring for my family members. One physician I worked for even formally offered to sponsor my education to become a nurse practitioner, keeping me on salary in the process. I felt like I won the lottery but opted out because my mother received her first cancer diagnosis and I believed I should be there for her. I’ve regretted it almost every day since and sadly there’s no going back. Good luck to you no matter what you decide.

Just because your mother wants you to be the only go to person doesn't mean that it what is going to happen. It is up to you to say no.

There are other options, like Visiting Angels and other private paid in home services. Why not explore those options? Or possibly is it time that she be placed in AL? She cannot always have what she wants, you have a right to live your life too.

I would TT your other siblings and outline the options, if one of them will take her in, let them.

I agree, take the opportunity, continue to build for your retirement. Good Luck!