My elderly 89 year old mom has dementia on the low end, and her will states that she is to remain at home under all disabilities. She took one fall, and both of my brothers swooped in, and, long story short, admitted her without her knowledge (they tricked her), and without letting me know, to a senior living memory care unit, where she is ready to kill herself. I offered to care for her, in her home she owns, with help, and they would not let me. They went behind my mom's back, and behind mine. It's been 10 days now, and they left my mom there, have not called her once, and have no plans to visit until she 'acclimates.' They took her phone, won't give any of her friends her location, and I do believe now that they may readying her home for sale, without her knowledge, to pay for her care. I call her once a day, and it is heartbreaking. She is sobbing uncontrollably each time I call. Somewhere along the line, one of my brothers obtained poa, and possibly the other brother may have medical poa. I really don't know. What I do know is that my mom wants out, and she can't, because they won't allow it. She says if she loses me, she will find a way to take her life. I am beyond stressed out. How can she revoke poa? Should I bring her the revocation forms to sign, and have a witness? My two wonderful brothers left her there with nothing, and took her drivers license as well, so she has no id. No one should be allowed to go against a parent's wishes, and place them against their will. I do believe that she is capable enough to know that she does NOT want to be there! Should I call APS? Should I hire an attorney to make sure her wishes of being cared for at home are adhered to? Please, help me! Someone! My one brother never left home, and I believe that he may have coerced and taken advantage of my mother along the way. He came into money two years ago, and doesn't need her anymore. How someone can do this to their parent who raised them, I have no words. They won't let me see her will. They took all of her papers from her home. Help! I know my mom, and she will never "acclimate." She will die.
You are not allowing her to acclimate, calling everyday and crying with her is not the answer, why not back off for a few weeks and see what happens, it is not the end of the world if she spends some time in MC. Actually at 89 with dementia that is probably where she needs to be.
IMO you are overreacting, her wanting to go home is the norm with most who are placed in AL or MC. Most if allowed to... will acclimate.
If she is in MC, and has dementia she cannot revoke anything as she is not mentally competent.
If you want to... go talk to an attorney, in the meantime don't call everyday, you are not helping her.
They will go talk to your mom and help her with whatever, whether she was incorrectly placed or if she is in the right place to receive the care she needs.
You say you will take care of her with help, who are you expecting to help you? Your brother's are under no obligation to provide any hands on care or help pay for care.
As difficult as it is to hear her plea
make sure that you know exactly what you are dealing with before you make any plans. Threatening suicide is a huge sign of mental illness and she needs treatment for that at bear minimum.
This is a terribly difficult time, when our parents can no longer take care of themselves, and they don't get it or understand.
I hope that it works out so that she is receiving the best and appropriate care.
A similar situation is when a 3 yr. old is going to day care. They are kicking and screaming because mommy is leaving them behind. Eventually though, they get adjusted to the place, socialize, and come to accept it.
She needs a place that can give her the care she needs. It's difficult at first, but she will adjust over time. - Selling the house is a good way to pay for the care. I know its hard and sucks. But it's for the best.
Look around this website to read how difficult being the 24/7 caregiver is. Brother's may be protecting you.
To rescind the POA only takes another POA, just because she has been diagnosed with dementia does not necessarily indicate incompetence. The attorney preparing the documents would make that determination.
Brother's may be preparing to sell her house and belongings to pay for mom's care. That is a justifiable reason.
Often when moving to memory care staff will ask family to stay away for a period of time so that the new resident becomes accustomed to relying on them to fulfill their needs. Respect that and stop calling daily.
Instead of challenging brothers how can you help in this situation? Ask them. Ask nurses at the facility. Try not to make this a sibling rivalry issue. Try to figure out how to work together.
Wills are not made available until someone passes.
Do you live close to mom? How practical is it to think you can provide the care mom needs? Do you have your own family and responsibilities?
Consider family or individual therapy to help the siblings work through this. The facility may have a social worker on staff.
Suicide threats are to be reported at once and will be taken very seriously. Almost all memory care facilities ask that you allow at least a month without visits to allow for the person to acclimate. Your calls are likely setting back any progress. You should call the facility daily, report the suicide threats to the facility and to the doctor who cares for your mother. The brothers apparently do have medical POA. I do not know their side of taking her out of your care. You will have now to coordinate with your Mom's facility to see how best to avoid her doing injury to herself. As long as she believes you can FIX THIS things are likely to get a good deal worse. Are you able to communicate with your brothers? If not, and if they have been given POA by your mother when she was well enough to do so, or have guardianship, none of this is really currently in your hands. I would suggest an elder law attorney to intervene to help you see where things stand legally, as this is indeed a legal question at this point. So sorry for all this grief, but do consider giving your Mom some time to acclimate.
Wills don't usually have written how you want your life handled. Thats usually a living will. But you need to understand that none of us knows how our health is going to be. When your Mom wrote that, she probably didn't realize she would suffer from Dementia. With Dementia, eventually she would need 24/7 care. Does she have that kind of money? Conservatively that would cost over 80K a year. Then its finding dependable people. She also probably didn't realize the care needed.
MC usually asks that family or friends not come around or contact resident for a few weeks. I agree your calling Mom is not a good thing. Your brothers have POA. You are just making it harder for Mom to adjust. Even if temporary until u find a solution, you shouldn't be telling her you will get her out and crying. This may not be a battle you can win. Your going to have to tell her little white lies. Tell her you understand how she feels. Until you can get answers from ur brothers she will need to adjust for now.
I think u need to ask brothers why they have done this.
fecktards .
i think the elderly should have more rights .
the right to blow up my stove and home ? it is my stove and my home ..
thats the way i look at it .