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Signed POA to them without my knowledge. This was ten years ago and wasn't disclosed until my mother became ill three months ago. They want her land for which she and my father worked very hard. My father died 10 years ago after my oldest brother who is a family physician with a questionable record, hid Dad's medical directive and ignored his DNR through intubating him against all legal and ethical practices. Dad suffered for over 9 months and died alone with me holding his hand. My brother has been fired from several medical positions.


I am a retired special education teacher with certificates in 13 areas of special needs including some physical needs. I taught for 36 years.
My youngest brother is a retired black ops/ special ops master sergeant who displays definite signs of PTSD. He was investigated for waterboarding.


I lived on our farm the longest, helped my parents financially, and became their person to call upon as they entered their eighties because I lived close to them. My father told me to trust none of my siblings.


My older sister, was an affluent and once beautiful person, died of alcoholism related illnesses two years after my father's death.


I was asked by my father and hospital staff to provide care for my father since my mother wasn't interested after 61 years of marriage. I did so to the detriment of my personal family's financial well-being. Until my father's illness, I had always been on good terms with my siblings and other family members although they considered my family boring due the fact we don't party like they do.My older sister and brother were born right after WW2, I was born almost 10 years later, and my younger brother was born while they were in college. My brothers have locked me out of the family farm although I lived there longer than any of them. My oldest brother lost his license to practice medicine for three years and blamed me for telling hospital staff. Actually, my father did, demanded they find a copy of his Medical Directive, and placed me in charge of making decisions. My younger brother had taken a contract job overseas. My older sister lived 8 hours away.
Now, I see my mother being medically neglected and have proof of the neglect. My brothers are vicious through texts but won't speak to me. My older brother was trying to get her admitted to hospice so they wouldn't have to pay anything. I found this out through a text they didn't mean to send me. My mother is now in a third class but kind and well managed nursing home near me. My brothers have control of over a million dollars worth of land and buildings through having started an LLC behind my back a year ago while I was in the hospital.The will not sell land for mother's needs.


I am contacted by collection agencies regarding mother's unpaid bills. Someone has changed my mother's address to my home. She lived with us for a month two years ago.


However, my concern is truly for my mother. I reported this to Elder Abuse in my state. A sarcastic male case worker sided with my brothers, told me this was a family issue, and I really do not know his decisions. I felt like an abused senior citizen when the case manager finished with his investigation.
What are my options regarding helping my mother ? I have numerous financial and neglect records I sent to the case manager. He has ignored them. I would appreciate any advice.

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Shadowchild, I’m surprised your therapist isn’t helping to provide you with the skills to cope with your situation. One can wish and hope and dream of the family that used to be, but it’s not going to change. You can’t wave a magic wand and make this go away - your brothers aren’t children anymore, your father has passed. You can’t “go home” anymore because home doesn’t exist as you knew it. A good therapist can work wonders in helping you accept the things you cannot change.

Accept your mother’s choices of siding with your brothers. Your brother has POA. He controls your mother’s estate/medical care. Mother is being provided for. End of story.

You control your own actions. Give her money or don’t but do it with no strings attached and no hoopla & out of your own free will. You are not obligated to do so yet you do. I read in your 2014 post that you were going to build a home on your mother’s farm to care for her but the home would be built purposely out of your mother’s view so she didn’t know you were there. You mention mother’s alcoholism as well. That’s a moot point now. You are still hung up on the farm that you say is worth a million dollars and state your brother isn’t providing for mom’s care. Yet mom is in a NH. What’s really going on?

You can choose how to proceed. Either accept the situation as is, divorce yourself from it, work to obtain guardianship or call APS and report your siblings for elder abuse.

Those are your options.

What is your objective now? Mom is in a NH - while it’s “third rate” you still verbalized that mom is receiving good care there. What then IS your concern for your mother?

There is something holding you back. Look within to find out why you can’t accept reality. Until you do you will continue to put your health at risk. There is no one to blame except yourself.

Like it or not, it IS a family issue. The medical social worker was correct. Block your brother’s nasty texts.

Lastly your mom is 92. Find a way to reconcile all this chatter and provide love to her as she won’t be around forever. It’s too late to change anything between your siblings or what may be in your mother’s will. You probably aren’t privy to the will anyway as you aren’t talking to her POA (your brother) and will have to wait for probate. Brother has no obligation to share any of mother’s end of life/estate/will with you. All the estate issues will still be there but your mother will not. Spending time with her now should be your main focus so you won’t have any more regrets after she has passed.

My family was hugely dysfunctional. I had two brothers- one evil, the other was an angel. 10 & 12 years older than me. I had to divorce myself from the evil one & didn’t speak with him for 7 years. I couldn’t take his negativity and nastiness and learned to tune him out. I don’t regret it either. He has since died, as has my mother. He treated my mom and other brother like crap. We never spoke again before he died 2 years after my mother from cardiomyopathy.

Only you have the power to change things or accept what you cannot change.
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I am sorry that you are so ill and that your father did not think to provide for you outside of a pour-over will for your mom, especially as he did not trust your brothers.

You still haven't mentioned how mom's NH bill is being paid. Out of mom's funds?
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AlvaDeer Sep 13, 2020
Thanks, Barb, for posting some old posts. I actually don't know how to get our old posts. This history would have helped me.
OP told me today, in taking me to task for my words to her, that her family had been fine until something happened with the dad. That they were not a "family at war". But now reading the old post I see that in 2013 she felt that her "crazy family" just got crazier.
I just think, as a Social Worker recently told her, that there are "family issues" here. I doubt that there is much folks on forum can do to help. I think more help in her own area, specific to the problems, be they Social Workers support in life passages, or Lawyer advice, would work better for her. Anger and frustration just eats us from inside out, and is so hard on health. She clearly is an intelligent woman, and I hope she gets help.
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Something isn't adding up here.

The OP says that she and her DH are depositing $700 per month into mom's accounts and are being pressed for more mooney (by whom?).

We still don't have an answer as to how the NH is being paid; NH costs near me are 10-12 K per month; I'm sure it's less than that in Georgia, but still...

In past posts, OP has stated that her mother is a life-long narcissist. I suspect this is yet another sad tale of an unloved child trying to get approbation out of a self-involved person.
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How is the NH being paid?
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The OP states that mom's money is not being used for her care, but the woman is in a NH. I suspect that mom's money IS being used for mom's care, or that the siblings arranged things (with POA) to have funds put into a Medicaid compliant trust so that Medicaid is footing the bill. Which would explain why there are no funds to pay for special shoes, dental surgery and other "extras".

I believe that the OP doesn't understand what financial arrangements have been made by the siblings. Or why. Or why her mother might be eligible for hospice even though she isn't at death's door.

A very sad situation.
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I am afraid there is a long long history of family trauma and drama and bickering that no one on forum would be able to suggest a single thing for.
There is a POA that has been in place for many years.
If you suspect abuse you should ask to have a case opened by Adult Protective Services.
Do be warned. A family with this history of continual warring over elders will be unlike to win anything out of taking anything to court. A fight for guardianship will likely see guardianship removed from ANY family member (usually an excellent outcome in my humble opinion as a nurse who was witness to more than one family at war). The guardianship will go to the State and an uninterested Fiduciary of the court, likely licensed in his work, will handle the affairs of the elder. You are, I am certain, aware that, at that point NO SIBLING will have ANY SAY in what happens to the elder's assets (which seems a prime concern here). Nor of placement. The Fiduciary will act in the elder's interest.
I am afraid I agree completely with the "sarcastic male case worker" who said that this is a family issue. I feel quite dreadfully sad for the elder involved. I wish you Mother the very best.
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ShadowChild1 Sep 13, 2020
This is not a family war. My family was peaceful until my father died. I have asked for a case to be opened by APS. You must not have read all of the information. My brothers asked an elderly lady with dementia, our mother, to sign over all power to them. They were rarely involved with her prior to when my father died. My oldest brother is a physician who was fired, after 28 years, from the very popular medical clinic due to ethics. The group was made up of his friends, and they really had no choice ,according to my father who hired and fired doctors. My brother was fired again, after Dad died, from his next job due to hiding my father's Medical Directive and intubating him despite a firm DNR with reasons attached. I became Dad's primary caretaker for 9 months during his suffering until he died. I am trying to protect my mother from similar abuse. I have signed over my portion of assets to avoid arguments from my remaining siblings, two brothers, with the understanding they will use assets to help Mother. They are not, and they are now asking me for more money to help support her. I have been doing so for the past 8 years. My mother has been demonstrating serious signs of dementia for the past 12 years due to a severe traumatic brain injury. Her medical needs have not been met. My brother has attempted to be her doctor until I insisted that she be seen by her geriatric internist rather that her son. Have your forgotten Ethic 8.19 doctors have to follow ? I have been her primary caretaker until 3 years ago when I had a serious heart attack. The two judges in town have asked me to apply for guardianship. I have already suggested a court appointed guardian. Please read all of the available information prior to jumping to conclusions. I remain the only person who provides Mother with the items she needs - including hearing aids. My interest is not my parents' assets. My interest is my Mother's well- being. I miss the farm I lived on longer than any of my siblings, but land is never worth more than a person. My husband and I are retired teachers. I was a special needs teacher who taught children with neurological needs and emotional needs for 36 years. I am not looking to control assets. I have had two more heart attacks since the first one. I am trying to make certain she is protected if I were to die first. I already knew everything you wrote. I have an Ed.S in special needs for adults as well as children. Your answer was demeaning, in my opinion. We do not treat each other that way on this site. READ everything that is a part of a post prior to writing a judgemental answer. I am seriously ill and want to protect my mother. I have left her a small portion of my person assets to provide for her, but I know my son and husband would do so if I were to die. You really need to correct your answer. It was not appropriate, and do not judge others on this site.
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Petition Probate Court with elder attorney with good reviews to become the guardian and Conservator of your parent. There are books and videos on how to do this or go online to your states info on how to. The sooner the better.
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ShadowChild1 Sep 13, 2020
Thank you for your kind and informative answer.
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Just want to offer support. My brothers were thorns in my side too.

Your story reads like a soap opera. It’s so sad and you don’t deserve to be treated so horribly by your brothers.

The outcome of the investigation is what would bother me the most. I personally would give up on restoring a relationship with your brothers.

I sincerely hope that you find a solution to your situation soon.
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ShadowChild1 Sep 13, 2020
I have given up on my brothers. My sister passed away 8 years ago. She would be helping me if she were alive. My goal is to make certain Mother is provided for and protected in case I were to die first. My husband and I provide as much as we can. Unfortunately, my story has been a soap opera, and my father helped to control and prevent chaos until he died. He requested that I be the only one to make decisions for him prior to his death. I am usually the most sober and boring person, but I have always looked after my parents until I became ill. I grieve for the way my mother has been treated. Thank you for your answer.
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As to the unpaid credit card bills, has your mother been the victim of identity theft?

If these are not cards your mother opened, then her credit should be frozen and the theft reported to the police and to the issuers.
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Call APS. I see from your 2014 post that you were adverse to getting social services involved as everyone in your mom’s small town would then expect you to take over your mother’s care. Is that still the way you feel? If so than it appears you are stuck between a rock and a hard place as you are not POA.
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Seems like this has been going on for years. All you can do is call APS and have them investigate. Seems like ur hands have been tied for years.

I hope when you called the Collection agencies you gave them the POAs address. That person needs to pay Moms bills, not you.

Hopefully Mom has a Will. The Executor must do certain things under Probate. Inform all beneficiaries and interested persons that the Will has been probated and is now public record. Make sure all debts are paid and give an accounting. All beneficiaries need to sign off on the accounting before inheritance can be distributed. At that point you can contest the accounting if it doesn't look right to you. You can hold up distribution of the inheritance until you are satisfied that everything is on the up and up.
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ShadowChild1 Sep 13, 2020
I am not worried about my inheritance, I am worried about my Mother. I have called APS, and I have decided to ask our tiny county's court to provide a guardian for Mama and her assets. I am not trying to fight brothers. I am very ill and will probably die before she will. My husband and son will make certain she has items she needs if I am not here. My son and I have given up all inheritance to keep the peace. My father would be heartbroken. My son and I grew up on that farm. Due to the fact my siblings and I were born over three decades and the oldest is deceased, I am not willing to fight over land that should be sold to provide the best for my Mother, not the worst. She has dementia but is other wise healthy.
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If your mother is being medically neglected in a care facility, you call the State ombudsman.

Write "no longer at this address" on mother's bills and hand them back to postal carrier.

Hospice will not pay for mother's NH care, so I'm not sure why you think that decision was about money.
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ShadowChild1 Sep 13, 2020
You need to read all of my post, please, not a portion. I am well aware of what hospice will do and not do. I have made it clear that I receive harassing phone calls because my brothers have refused to pay her bills. She is NOT being neglected in the nursing home APS helped me get her into. I took care of my parents for decades and learned so much with my father's illness. I want what is best for Mother.
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