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I'm sharing this here because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. Mom, 94, has been through a lot, depression, wheel chair bound, psychosis, now developing dementia and other age related issues. Her health is good, no real issues, just getting older and needs lots of help, but can feed herself and use the restroom. After a bunch of trial and error at various facilities, I found a very good, very expensive one. She's self paying, and will be ok for another year, then apply for Medicaid, which would mean moving to a different place. The problem is that I may need to be hospitalized for an infection in some joint replacements due to a congenital bone condition. May be in for 6 months. I've been through this before, but not when mom was living here. I visit her as often as I can, but it's not frequent. We never had a relationship growing up, but things are good now, at last. Mostly she doesn't remember what it was like back then, and that's fine with me. But I feel guilty about this huge change for her. We talked about her moving to brother (2100 miles) and of course she's anxious, but willing, especially with me going into the hospital long term. It is brother's idea and he found a good place about 10 min. away from the family's house. It's all happened very suddenly, and I feel kind of in shock; mom is anxious, but willing. She has settled down in her current place really well, and it will be a shakeup, plus the traveling stress for sure. Again, not sure why I'm writing except I feel kind of shattered, want to help mom and do what's best for her.

Sometimes life isn't as convenient as we wish it could be. I don't see mom as much as I did when she first entered a fantastic NH 6 months ago and I'm only 2 miles from NH.
Also, I'm seriously considering moving 4 hours away for a job. I plan to visit her when I can, because the nursing homes in the area aren't as good imho. I'd rather she stay where she's familiar with staff/patients.
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Reply to peggy40
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All good advice, especially about meals and drinks. I also started looking at long distance medical transit-way way more expensive, but if it makes it easier on mom, it may be worth it. My brother would fly out here and ride back with her. It looks like her room won't be ready till near the end of Jan, so that gives us some time to plan. He flew out with her from the west coast to here, in the mid west when she first moved here, but she's older, of course, and all that goes with it. And just let me say, I read this forum pretty much everyday, and have learned so much, and appreciate you all so much and what you do and go through with your loved ones. My respect to all of you!
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Reply to bookish66
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Toilet ideas: You could have a think about food and drink for the hours before the flight. Lowering her fluids might help toilet-wise during the flight, and your brother can give her a big drink on arrival. Get him to check the arrival toilets in advance - with luck there will be a separate unisex disability toilet, as men are often uncomfortable going into the ladies or vice versa. Better if he has got it all organised in advance! Making sure that her bowel is fairly empty could help too (small easily digestible meal the night before, small breakfast, and not much on the flight). If you talk to the facility (the dietician and kitchen, not just an individual carer) they should be able to help with all this. You could suggest a finger-food snack for the car on arrival, in case she is hungry. Let your brother know if she needs a sippy cup for fluid, if she can drink from a bottle, or if she needs a glass with a small diameter. It's great that you are getting everything ready, including your mind and your heart. Well done!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Thanks for your answers and caring. Those questions are good and also helps me figure out the answers. My brother would fly here and fly first class back with her. He did that when she moved here from the west coast. I haven't been able to figure out the toileting needs. Her funds should last longer there, still having a private room and level of care she needs. My brother would treat her well, and he and his 10 year old son would be able to visit frequently. Any suggestions and additional concerns would be welcome from you all, and thanks for the encouragement!
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Reply to bookish66
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Medicaid will be a problem. Brother needs to look into how long Mom has to live in his State before she can be covered.

The 2100 miles is what bothers me. Can they get a nonstop flight from you to them? Who is going to travel with her? She can't go alone. Don't think they will drive. At 60 miles an hour thats 35 hrs which means at least 3 nights in a motel. Then there are pit stops. So the plane is it. Can she toilet alone? No way can 2 people fit in one of those bathrooms.
And then its the Dementia and just her age. It may be hard for her to adjust. Its hard for me to adjust and I'm 69.

If all of this has been considered, then let brother take her. At 94, maybe he wants time with her. You can visit. This way you can relax and heal without the stress of being there for Mom. Good Luck.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I think that at your mom's age, minimizing the number of moves she is going to make might be a really good idea. I hope the facility near your brother has Medicaid beds that she can be given once her money runs out.
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Reply to anonymous594015
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If your brother has found a place, you all probably have to give an answer very quickly. No wonder it is a shock! From what you say, it could be a very good idea. You are not so close emotionally to your mother, you can’t see her as frequently as you might prefer, and your own health needs most of your attention at the moment. If you think that your brother will treat her well with all that she will need, it sounds like a good strategy for all of you. Perhaps you need to put your energy into working out how to do the transfer, and then plan for your visit after your own hospitalisation later in the year. I hope that everything settles down soon, and send you best wishes.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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