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Family members have volunteered to go in and clean and redo the interior of his house but he calls and tells them not to come. What can we do? He weighs about 400 pounds, has trouble walking and breathing. He is a farmer, soon to sell all his cattle, and retire. Will be 65 soon but seems so much older. We are all so concerned but don't know how to help.

My OB had this issue from way back as a kid. He simply never bathed or showered. The smell was unbelievable, esp as he became a teen with the stinks that go along with that. He also lived in filth, even when he lived at home--his room was gross.

I remember dad sending him away from the dinner table b/c he smelled so bad.

He actually got married ( a girl with absolutely zero self esteem, so she was ready to marry anyone)--and he still refused to bathe. She 'grew up' and finally divorced him and he was a little less smelly when he was married, but not by much.

We got to the point where we were flat out in his face about showering and he simply DID NOT CARE.

It's a mental thing--in some countries, they're much more lax about this kind of thing, here in America, pretty much EVERYONE has access to personal hygiene equipment.

OB died 8 years ago and I hadn't seen him in 4-5 years prior to that.

YB has a similar problem---he is morbidly obese and has diabetes--I think having uncontrolled diabetes adds to the 'funk'--am I right? YB has a wife and 4 daughters, and while he's better than OB was about personal hygeine--he's still a LONG ways off from being what I would consider 'clean'.
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Reply to Midkid58
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😔 sorry I don't have any solutions, but I do sympathize.

My sibling also is overweight, has reduced mobility & breathing + other issues. Was a regular hygiene refuser - still a little less that ideal but OK. Since a stroke home aides became necessary. So now this gets done. They offer physical assistance but most of all encouragement & motivation.

I have suggested a dietician & other services to help make life easier, safer & healthier. Falls unheard. So I have learned to accept. *it is what it is*

I stand at the sidelines, awaiting the crises one day... (I cannot imagine my relative getting to 65 to be honest).. I suspect CCF & metabolic syndrome now. Both I believe can cause brain fog & maybe reduced decision making & planning.
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Reply to Beatty
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It could be that he's gotten too heavy and sickly to feel safe in the shower alone....or to clean his house. And doesn't want you to come over to help him because he's embarrassed about the condition of his home and himself. If he can't breathe or walk well, how can he exert himself enough to shower or clean? That's probably most of the problem right there.

You can come together, the siblings, and stage an intervention of sorts, I suppose. March on over there together as a united front, tell him you love him dearly and are deathly afraid for his health and welfare, and want to help him get his life back in order, whatever it takes. No judgement. Get cleaning supplies, a dumpster, rags, etc, and dig in. Someone goes to the grocery store for decent foods to stock the newly cleaned fridge, someone tackles the bathrooms, whatever it takes. You run the risk that he throws you out, but you may be able to get thru once you all face him in person. Who knows? Love may make a breakthrough.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Sounds like he has some kind of issues here. Depression? How long has he not been showering? Is his house filthy as in dirty (not uncommon for farmers) or is he a hoarder (which is another mental health issue)?

Weighing 400 and being almost 65, I am shocked that he has not had a major health event yet. He is a ticking time bomb.

No one "has" to talk to him about his odor. Unless you want to spend time with him. Then, someone is going to have to plan a gentle way to tell him that it would really be appreciated if he could take a shower and wear clean clothes. He may not notice or care but maybe would be willing to take some direction? Is he reasonable or will he fly off the handle if someone tells him?

Good luck.
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Reply to againx100
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You don't have any power here except to report him to APS as a vulnerable adult. This will get him on their radar for any future intervention. He sounds like he has all his mental faculties so because of this you have no legal power to force any help upon him. Even if he has a health crisis (which is highly likely) and goes into the hospital no one can intervene if he has all his mind.

Maybe a family member he is closest to can have a casual conversation with him about what will happen to his livestock and ranch enterprise if something happens before he sells if and retires? This is a legitimate question and may open up an opportunity to talk about other important things, like assigning a PoA for his protection, and creating a Living Will, etc. His odor from poor hygiene may be the least of his problems but is a sign of depression or decline. I realize it is painful to watch the train wreck in slow motion, but the more you pressure him, the more he will probably push you away. He is an adult who had his entire life to ponder a plan for his later years and make important decisions for himself. This is the "retirement" he planned for. It's just going to be a waiting game for his siblings.
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Reply to Geaton777
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