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My Dad has been in a nursing home since last April. He was evaluated and determined to not have the capacity to care for himself. He was hospitalized 4 times in 5 weeks. He was hallucinating, very confused. Diagnosed with vascular dementia.


Us siblings met with an elder care attorney and my brother jumped through all the hoops to get guardianship.


Dad did so much better in the nursing home-only hospitalized once in almost a year to get a pacemaker. He gained weight, had medical care, regular meals.


In the past 3 weeks Dad hatched a plan to get out of the nursing home. He removed his alarm band (2nd time). Called his ex girlfriend’s daughter. This week, she picked him up at 3:30 am and they disappeared.


Through checking some phone calls he made from the nursing home line, they got an address. 2 staff from the nursing home and 2 police officers went to the address. And there they were. The police said, “He looks fine, he is safe, he acts fine. We can’t force him back."


This woman has a long history with my siblings. She only does things if there is money involved. Dad has no money-only his social security check.


Then tonight one sister got a phone call saying it was the police department and they had Dad there. When called back, they did not know anything about it, and they did not have him.


How can this happen? We tried so hard and so long to get him in assisted living, or get help for him in his apartment. He refused all help. Adult protective services reported that Dad was a victim of “self abuse”.


He is 91 years old. I live 900 miles away, I was his POA when all this started, I flew home for weeks to work with everyone. What will happen if none of us kids will be his POA or guardian? We feel like if he isolates with this woman, he will be vulnerable to abuse. Again, there is no money-he had $500 in his account, is on Medicaid and SS. They are both drinkers.

I am glad to hear that your brother got the court order and your dad is safe for today at least.

I hope you feel better soon and that you all find a way to protect dad from himself.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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TNtechie brought up a point I was going to make. The "ex-girlfriend" AND her daughter should be brought up on kidnapping charges. I think that would put an end to the late night outings.
Leaving the nursing home at 3 am is troublesome as well and I think the nursing home might be in a bit of trouble here as well. Does not matter if his alarm was removed all the doors at that time should be monitored as I am sure the staff does not want random people wandering through the facility after hours. I would consult with the lawyer that helped with the Guardianship to see what kind of followup can be done. But it might be worth it to put both the nursing home and the ex-girlfriend on notice that you are not going to tolerate another incident.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Peewee, in a wheelchair he escaped? God Almighty.

I am gobsmacked. All of the time that so many of us deal with 'breaking Bad' with someone in their 9os!!

But I have. Goodness.
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Reply to Segoline
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Just an update. My brother went to the court and got a court ordered removal-the police then went and took Dad back to the nursing home last night. Thank you all for your responses. And I’ll be back for more support. Nothing is ever over when my Dad is involved.
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JoAnn29 Mar 1, 2019
Thank God. But I would ask the NH how Dad was able to get out of the facility at 3am in the morning. What if he had been killed. It would have been on his head. Did ur brother press charges against the lady?
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If your brother has been appointed guardianship of your father by a court then he can press kidnapping charges and the police MUST support a removal/return back into the custody of the guardian or guardian directed placement.

A medical/health care POA can act in the same manner provided incompetence has been certified by at least one doctor (or as the POA document requires) because the MPOA decides where the primary lives.

My advise is to either get an attorney to contact your police department and provide them with all the required documents and directions or contact the assistant chief and schedule a meeting to present your documents yourself. Then the police department can coordinate with the NH and retrieve your father, perhaps arresting a couple of people at the same time.
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JoAnn29 Mar 1, 2019
Thank you. Thats what I think. The NH and Police are falling down on their jobs.
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Appointed Guardian can move forward. He may consult with attorney and explore having doctor prescribe a SECURE Memory Care unit. It sounds like your father is wandering and a danger to himself. A doctor prescribed secure unit for my LO. She was not safe in regular AL.

If appointed Guardian does not act to protect the Ward, I'd seek a different Elder Law attorney for options, like having the current one replaced. It's a huge job and very stressful.
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JoAnn29 Mar 1, 2019
I don't think its the guardian isn't protecting his Dad, I think he is not aware of the power he has. His Dad is in a NH and it should be a lockdown facility. Then the cops did nothing. He is the man's guardian, they should have honored that.
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The home is at fault here. Your brother is guardian and he should have been called and asked if Dad was allowed to leave with this woman. How did she get in the building at that time of night. If a NH they should be locked down. Dad shouldn't have been able to get out. The home should have a list of who can visit and who has authority to take him from the facility. To receive guardianship, you brother had to prove Dad could no longer care for himself. Usually a doctor or two has to sign off he is incompetent. Then a Judge signs off. Then brother reports to the State. The Police should have honored his guardianship. Its a court order! This woman has kidnapped your Dad. Copies of guardianship should be in his records at the NH. Your Dad no longer has rights. Your brother makes all of the decisions.

You said: "What will happen if none of us kids will be his POA or guardian?" A POA can be revolked, which yours is now brother has guardianship. He does have a Court Order? Its very hard to get rid of guardianship if you have it. So, if brother has a court order then he is now and until Dads death, the guardian. If he hasn't gone thru the complete process, he still can be appointed guardian. If your POA has not been revolked its still in effect and it should be honored.

If and when you get Dad back, take his phone away. Tell staff if he needs to make a call, its to you only with them dialing.
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PrairieLake Mar 1, 2019
I guess I was not totally clear. This is extremely stressful. Us siblings are all working together. My brother is a court appointed guardian. My Dad planned all this. He removed his wander guard twice, and refused to let them put one back on. Nursing home said he passed the minimental with a perfect score so they couldn’t force him to wear one.
There was a signed paper that said Dad could only leave with a family member or a spouse, specifically not this person.
Dad made his phone calls from the conference room in the nursing home where there is a phone. He walked out at 3:30 am to meet her in the parking lot.
They would not put Dad in a locked ward because he had an aggressive incident and they said he would be a danger to the other residents.
Just want to know-has anyone ever had any experience with this? My brother is checking on what to do with the courts.
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Your brother should call the elder care attorney who assisted with the guardianship application and take advice on what to do next.

There seems to be a serious lack of understanding among the nursing home staff and local police officers about what the guardianship and the lack of capacity mean. They *would* be correct to say he seems fine, we can't force his return were it not that a judge has been satisfied that he lacks mental capacity and can no longer consent to be removed from the nursing home in the first place. Essentially, this has become an abduction.

Your poor brother, though. Has he lost heart, do you think?
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PrairieLake Mar 1, 2019
Thank you so much for your reply. My brother did notify the court about this. He is finding out what he can do.
one of my sisters is very worried that my Dad will get so isolated from his children that he will suffer abuse. This woman will not tolerate him peeing in urinals and keeping them under his bed until they reek. She will not be able to get him to shower, get him to the doctor, put up with his violence when he doesn’t get what he wants. He is very sweet until he starts hallucinating. We don’t even know if he is there, just that he was there for a night or two. She helped him do all this by taking him to the bank, picking him up at 3:30 am so he could sneak out. He can’t even operate a cell phone, How is he supposed to call anyone if he is in trouble?
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Brother has guardianship. It is his responsibility to make decisions for your father. What is he doing to get dad out of there. Police will not forcefully remove him unless he is being harmed in some way.
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PrairieLake Mar 1, 2019
So the police are now geriatric psychiatrists? Dad was evaluated and found to not have the capacity to make his own decisions. My brother did make the decision for Dad to be in the nursing home. And the police say “He seems OK”
when they asked the woman if she would bring him back at nighttime, she replied, “It’s not in my best interest”
This was a court ordered guardianship because of his vascular dementia, his inability to care for himself. So the police are saying they know he will be safe and cared for? They don’t know anything about this woman. Her own mother, Dad’s former girlfriend for 30 years, said “Lock em both up”.
My brother is following through. I am scared, angry, frustrated, worried. I also am in the 5th day of influenza A and am still really sick. Overwhelmed-all 6 of us children are overwhelmed.
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