My brother expects me to care for our mom even though I already am caring for my bedridden wife and her daughter whom has cancer. Thoughts?

I really feel people are clueless. They have no idea what is involved in caring for even one person and you have two. They seem to think that "whats one more". As said "NO" is one sentence. Tell brother you would love to be able to help with Mom but with working f/t and caring for an invalid is enough right there. Then throw in a step daughter in with cancer. I will assume here that money is tight because of the medication ur wife is on. My cousin had MS and the cost a month was substantial. If brother complains about money u could explain that wifes meds take every last penny.

Your family has priority over Mom. Brother is just going to need to find resources for Mom. If she still lives in her own home, maybe he will need to move her into his and hire people using her SS money and any she has saved. If she is low income, maybe Medicaid can help with in home care. Office of Aging is a good place to get this info. Tell him you hate putting the responsibility on him but your plate is full.

Saw ur reply to Ikdrymom. I don't think anyone feels you think its all your brothers responsibility. You just are not in the position to help at this point. And probably won't be for a long time. If brother is pushing this, it he who is being unfair.

I think that basically you know on a deep level that you cannot do this. So just tell brother you cannot and will not. It is necessary that he "understand it". You can change or control what he thinks, but you can control what you do. I am so sorry for all you are taking on. Please just admit to your human limitations. I wish you the best.

Some questions: " It bothers me that I am not financially stable , comfortable and successful as my older brother so that I could share the costs that my brother has had to take upon himself. With that said, I have gladly and without complaint have given my time over the last few years in taking my mom to all of her doc. appts., physical rehabilitation and therapy visits, etc to do my fair share in caring for our mom."

What costs has your brother had to "take upon himself"? You have done a lot over the past few years by being the chauffeur. (And I bet you've done a lot more than that!)

What is your stepdaughter's prognosis, and how did she come to be living with you (and when)? Where is her father? Caring for your bedridden wife with MS is enough for one person.

So...

Your mother broke her hip. When?

And since then, you and your brother have discussed her care. I now begin guessing - he makes quite a lot of assumptions, such as that your mother will want to stay where she is, that you're nearby, that it's obviously more practical and convenient for you to be her primary caregiver than it would be for him. And he assumes that you assume the same.

So during this conversation, what was actually said about the options of moving her temporarily to his area, either to his home and hiring support services, or to a suitable nursing or rehabilitation facility?

Has either of you talked to your mother about what next? Where is your mother at the moment?

Mrsackrifice, your name says it. You are a giver me thinks. Or maybe caring has been thrust upon you. Either way, you are dealing with the hand you have been dealt, & don't need more heaped on.

People say it ALL the time - the Carer needs to look after themself too.

Is there any hope for improvment for your Wife & StepDaughter? I hope so.

But rather than have just hope your Brother comes to his senses... coz his expectations are cray-cray btw, change that to Active Hope. (It's a new buzz phrase I kind of like).

Active Hope includes hope but also setting realistic goals & taking steps toward them. Your goal may be to stand up to your Brother. Tell him it's just not possible for you to do more. Ask that you work together to find a solution for Mom (with Mom included). Or even better, he & Mom work it out (as you are already swamped). If you are not heard, ie he is still an insensitive oaf, ignore him & let Mom plan for herself.

What's the deal with Mom? Is there a current health crises or are you feeling the future pressing in?

Sorry for a lot of questions.. I have an out-of towner that expects I will fix all too. So I am happy to chat.

Personally I would hesitate to call this man, ‘your brother’ He doesn’t behave very brotherly.

You have enough on your plate. You definitely don’t need another weight heaped on top of the heavy load that you are already carrying.

If your mom cannot pay for her care she can apply for Medicaid.

Your brother has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t want to be responsible and doesn’t have any qualms about dumping it in your lap.

He pushed you. Push him back! This isn’t the time to sit quietly. Say no and say it loudly so he has no doubt that you mean it. Make him think about how ridiculous it was to ask you to do this.

I’m so sorry that your brother has caused you this grief. You certainly don’t deserve it.

I have faith in you. You have already taken the first step by reaching out.

Please come back and tell us what your brother said after you refused to consider taking your mom into your home.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Why does Brother expect you to care for mother? Has he said so? What reason does he give? If you don’t have the time, space, energy and money to pay, just say so. You could of course say that you think he has the time, space, energy and money to pay, but it’s probably better to say NO. Leave him to work out what he can and will do. You can't conjure up time, space, energy and money out of nowhere if it just isn't there. If you want to be nice, tell him how proud he must feel to be able to provide the care that he believes she needs, you wish you could do the same.

Some people will push the envelope as far as humanly possible. Why not? Just maybe his forcefulness will lead you to cave in, letting him off the hook nicely. Then he'll have no problems and you'll be stuck with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Your brother should be ashamed of himself for even SUGGESTING you take on more than you already have on your plate.

Absolutely not, brother dear. Period.

Bless you for all you're already doing. Best of luck

I agree...NO is a complete sentence. However it is also NOT your brother's (or your) responsibility to pay for your mom's assisted living or nursing home. If she needs more care I would suggest asking him to start making arrangements for your mom but you have too much going on to be of much assistance.

It doesn't matter what your brother expects or what his or your finanacial standing is.

Preparing for old age was and is your mother's responsibility. If she is indigent, government programs can be applied for.

"I can't possibly do that" is a very useful sentence to say to people who try to take advantage of you.

"No" is also a complete sentence. Don't argue with your brother or your mom. You don't need to justify yourself.

Mrsackrifice, practice saying in front of a mirror "I cannot possible do that". That is all you need to say.

Your brother sounds like he lacks common sense. Good heavens, you have a 2 bedroom apartment. Does he expect you and your wife to give up your bedroom for Mom.... or your step-daughter to give up her bedroom?

Your brother will need to consider other choices.