My brother does not visit mom, or call for health updates. Anyone else have this issue?

I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to listen to someone say “OH, it just HURTS me SO MUCH to see Mom (Aunt Terry, Grandpa, etcetcetcetcetc) like this I just can’t BEAR TO VISIT”.
Call me goofy, but I’d rather hear the same thing 50 times if it isn’t “PLEASE TAKE ME HOME” or “Why am I here?”.

The simple fact is, your brother has to live with himself. If he doesn’t want to visit his mother, you can’t force him. If you know it’s a sore subject, don’t bring it up with him. You can’t guilt him into visiting her. Is it ok that he doesn’t visit? No. It stinks. For him and for her. If he has an email, send him monthly updates on Mom. If he doesn’t read them or respond, well, you’ve done your part.

My brothers are good guys but they didn't visit. One lives 8 hrs away and drives for a living so I can see why he didn't get home regularly. When he did out of two full days, he saw Mom once. Telling my husband he couldn't stand seeing her that way. My other brother just chose to visit a couple of times a year and he lived 30 min. away. My Mom deserved more out of her boys the problem is she never expected them to do. So, let brother deal with it the way he wants. He may reqret it but he will have to live with it, not you.

I'm caring for my mil and neither her son or daughter have any type of contact with their own mother or their own brother, or any family, for that matter. It would appear to me that they are uncaring individuals with one thing in mind.

My brother is the same way it bothers him to see mom this way. So he doesn't visit. As if it doesn't bother me or any one else seeing a loved one decline. You cannot force some one to become involved . They have to live with themselves. My heart goes out to you.

I have the exact same situation, however my brother provides no financial support. My brother lives 20 minutes away and rarely calls or visits our mother who lives in my home. (Maybe 5 times a year) He has used many excuses as to why he can't make it. Frankly, both my mother and myself are tired of hearing the excuses and thinking about him. She feels uncomfortable and stressed when he does show up as it feels like trying to make conversation with a stranger.

We have both written him off, if he does come we are friendly and accommodating however, its a waste of valuable energy to expect him to do more.

Far to many of us have similar issues. Too many descendants have
abandoned the "Golden Rule", For husband/wife relationships,
healthier spouses have forgotten their marriage vows.

Hello,
I am new here but saw your post and can relate to what you are experiencing.

I have 2 siblings that never help our mother with anything. Worse than that, they rarely, if ever, call her, visit her or write to her. My spectacular siblings live in the same city as our 86 yr old mom and still do nothing!! I live in another state (12 hrs drive) and visit my mom a couple times a year. I fly her down to my house 2x a year for 2 weeks during Christmas and any other holiday or event of her choice.

I don't understand how they can ignore her completely. I will admit she can be a handful but she still doesn't deserve this. She says they check in once in awhile but I think she has to say that to live with the pain. I have been here for 3 weeks now trying to help her find a new car and I haven't heard them check on her once.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but I do not. I myself struggle to understand how ppl can completely cut their loved ones out of their lives. To me there is a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is going through this and to know all of us share that pain. For me, I also resent it. I want them to carry some of the burden and I want them to act like they are part of a family and that they do care. But I know I cant make anyone feel anything and I cant make them do what I want.

What I can do is make a support system for myself through sites like this. Possibly gain experience, strength and hope from others out there willing to share. So I read what others say and I share a little too and through that I find that little piece of hope and comfort.

I wish you well and have an awesome weekend
Lavenderblu

Maybe it is too painful to see her like she is.

It may be too painful for your brother to see his mom fading away and he lacks the character to override his discomfort.

Sometimes the parent was abusive or wildly unfair to the child over their lifetime and the child stays away to protect themselves.

My mother has narcissitic personality disorder and makes herself out to be an angel and victim when she is not. Her friends and doctor wonder why her kids are not around; if only they knew the truth.

Sometimes, though, the kids are just ingrates.

I know how you feel I have two brothers, one doesn’t visit or call ‘ever’. The other visits once a month to six week ,but never on his own and doesn’t help in anyway. I know it’s the ostrich reaction, if they don’t see it, it’s not happening. How I’d love to be an ostrich once in a while! I take care of EVERYTHING and get quite bitter. A friend printed a quote for me. “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die”. I try to think of this when I get wound up because the situation is never going to change. At the end of the day, you and I will be able to look back and our anger will be replaced with knowing that we did our very best for your mothers. Unfortunately for our siblings, they will have regrets! Keep the up the good work, you’re doing an amazing job. x

Yes. My DH had 3 children - DH passed away in May - I never asked for any financial assistance, only that they care - and the total lack of caring during DH's last 6 months has completely soured me on his children.

In this day and age, there are no long distance charges with cell phones - a call, a text, anything - but 2 of them cried after he passed but were never there during the last 3 years when I became a 24/7 caregiver. One son did call almost every week - and he kept trying to talk with his father. The conversations never changed, but at least he tried.

The other 2 just never had the time. Now I don't have the time for them and they don't like it. BTW, all are grown children, 2 of his kids are older than me and the youngest is still over 50.

Try not to take it personally - but this happens all too often. Thank you for being there for your Mother - you will always remember that you are there for her.

LOL! Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, but I had to because: We few. Yes, we chosen few that face the brunt of caring for elder parents, no matter how real our responsibilities in life are, will never have the "responsibilities" of our siblings.

My father has dementia. He's had it for five years and my brother has visited twice in that time. Since his diagnosis, my sister hasn't visited once. Ten years before his diagnosis my older sister was proud to say, "Well, you(as in me) got the short straw so you get to take care of them."

Recently, my mother was in a car accident. When I asked for help in caring for my dad while I managed my mom's care they were "just too darn busy." My aunts were too darn busy. My younger brother was on a business trip and an hour way from the hospital. He came up to visit when I called, but he was extremely upset how I had managed the situation thus far and berated me for it. He called me every name in the book. I was shocked. He couldn't believe our father's decline. He assumed I had no idea what was happening with our father. Like a Law and Order episode, he tried to resolve the issue in 45 minutes(minus 15 minutes for commercials) and then he left. I haven't spoken to them about our parents' care since, but to tell them I was in car accident.

There is no real way to get a family member's buy in to care for family. I just wonder what I or my parents did wrong to them in their lives that made them behave this way. Was it the wrong Christmas gift? Did I steal their cookie, their girlfriend, embarrass them, ridicule them, belittle them, insult them, or violate some kind of space? My mother feels much worst. She can't figure out what she did wrong.

So, many people tell me, "You're so blessed to care for your parents," or "God, will bless you."

Funerals tend to bring everyone closer together. I wish you the best.

Well, I have a son and a daughter who do absolutely nothing for her including not even visiting her. I think they are afraid that if something happens to me they will have to take care of their mother.
Jerry

I have the same issue. I thought that when my brother heard about my Moms situation, he would have manned up and got more involved in her life but that's not the case. There's no help from him at all. Nothing. No communication, no financial help, no visits to Mom, nothing. He is a stranger. And he lives in the same town as we do.

You would be amazed to know how many of us are in the same boat. A good friend was the caregiver for her mother for more than 5 years. Her two bothers never visited, only sent money to help when she pitched a fit about needing help.

I have have three older brothers and am the only girl. My husband and I are caregivers for my mother that is bedridden. I refer to my youngest brother as my “good brother” since he is the only one that calls or visits. He lives 8 hours away, but will come a couple of times a year to visit and will also come and sit with Mom if my husband and I need a vacation. Another brother lives 20 minutes away and never visits unless his daughter comes to town for a visit. (My niece will not go to their home... another story). My other brother called on Mother's Day for the first time in a year. He also lives in another state, but does not even call. I was shocked the other day to get a text from him asking about Mom. Did he call her? No!

Mom and and I have basically written them off, but it took my mother many, many years to get past the paint. I can only imagine how much it would hurt to know your children do not care about you.

I know now you are defensive for your mother, but she argues because she has hopes things will change some day. She also wants to defend her child, not matter how old he is or how badly he behaves. Just keep her view point in mind when you speak with her. Don’t argue, it will not get you anywhere. It will only tear the two of you apart and that will do neither of you any good.

My brother lives several hours away from me and my mom lives in a facility very close to me. We moved her here 3 1/2 years and sold her house because she desperately needed help. Since that time, my brother lost his 24 y/o son to the opioid epidemic. He has visited here very little and at one point (when mom entered hospice care a couple of months ago) he just wrote her off as gone. Finally, finally I talked to him about it and told him that a visit would really be for him and even though she likely would not remember him being here that it would be for her "in the moment". I explained that like everything, including my visits, mom has to find her joy in the moment and that it would bring her a lot of joy in that moment to see him. He is coming for a visit in 2 weeks!!
Understand that everyone deals with things differently. Your brother may have a really hard time seeing your mom in her present state. You didn't mention what sort of condition she is in.
Try to be patient with him and try to see his side of it. Hope that helps!

I have 6 brothers. All within 30 min of my mom who lives in an In-law apt at my house. I have tried with meetings, texts, phone calls and still most of them hardly see my mother and they never help me at all. Two of them will help if they can but I’ve got the brunt of it. Hard to figure out why. My parents were good parents. Did a lot for us. It seems like when she’s fine they are too busy to see her. She ends up in the hospital or NH rehab and all of a sudden they have time to visit. They are missing so much. It’s very frustrating! And hard to see her wishing they would call or come over. My husband calls them “knuckleheads”. I’ve just given up on trying to get them to help and just spend time with her. They will have to live with it but that doesn’t help me now. Hang in there. Remember what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

If he’s helping financially; I would be grateful. My sister lives about 5 hours away, does not work, but has a lot of money and contributes neither time or money to mom. When I complain she says...”Well I knew you would regret taking her in.”. She says she did her part when they lived in the same town and she ran errands for her. Lol. It’s pathetic she’s taken this attitude, but in the end I’m sure she will regret it. Her husband is being transferred back to our home state and she will be 14 hours away. I’ve begged her to spend some time with mom before she goes. We were moving to a bigger house and it would have been so helpful, but she was too busy thinking about their transfer. SMH

I agree with the other posters, yet also consider that your brother may be overwhelmed with the financial details of making the wheels spin on your Mom's life. I was an only child, so I took care of EVERYTHING; financial, healthcare decisions, visiting her, etc. He may be burned out; I know the legal and money details from taking care of my mom almost made it so I didn't want to visit at all; it just felt then that my whole life was about her, her, and her. You could maybe offer to take over a few facets of his job duties and ask if that would make it so he would be able to have the energy to visit more.

When I would get the nasty comments from caregivers, " well, nice to See You; its been A While!!" It was very hurtful, as they did not realize that I had spent countless hours on the phone with insurance people, her pharmacy, the MD office, her bank.

Just something you might want to consider.

My 3 sibs would probably write huge checks instead of actually TALKING to mother. Oh, wait, that's what they DO.

I did PT care giving for mother until my "in charge" brother told me that I made everything worse and to stay away. (Yes, I did clean, and yes, I would not allow a bag full of sopping wet Depends to sit in the bathroom for days on end....) a family council last Jan. wound up with mother receiving LESS help and care. She needs in home care, brother (she lives with his family) refuses to allow strangers in. I fought for this, but in the end, yep, legally he had the right to say no to outside care.

We didn't have a "stellar" mother,in fact, it is very hard for me to talk to her, the little that I do. Her perception of of our family life is so off base...I can't wrap my head around the abuse and hurt she allowed to go on. Trying to forgive her, trying to care for her--super emotionally brutal.

I am constantly amazed that this subject comes up so often in new posts. It must be a family dynamic of long standing for MANY families.

My mother has her 'golden children' I am not one of them. A visit to her is a surefire way to trigger a migraine in me, for many reasons. I talk to her about once or twice a month and visit her, well, nor for months. She wants it like that.

In short, you can't make someone who doesn't want to be involved, be involved.

My DH is not talking to his mother at all, currently. Not a word. He had 2 massive heart attacks and almost died 8 weeks ago. We heard not one word from her, not a peep. So when he hears from his sis that she's angry b/c he never stops by--what they heck does she expect?

I had that problem with my siblings. it was always an excuse. “You live too far” (1 hour) I had to take my mother to a facility for respite when I needed a break. Mom passed in August. I am very grateful I had the opportunity to care for her. I am sad, however my conscience is clear and I am not shedding Crocodile tears. I love and Miss Mom.
Take care of yourself and lots of prayers.

My brother is 10 year older than me, and lived 2 hours away and did drive a truck for a living. Somehow because I lived closer, it was my job to take care of mom on a daily basis, grocery shopping, dr.visits etc. But, when she had to go into a hospital, because I worked, I would call him and tell him HE had to come up and be at the hospital with her. He would then take off a week and come up and be at the hospital for her. Now when she got out of the hospital, it was up to me again to figure out what I was going to do with her. Rehab, home, etc.
We had our arguments but it worked out somehow. We got through it and amazingly enough, he and I have a very close relationship now that mom has passed away and we can visit and talk about something else besides our mother.
I think it's a rarity that a son will help out if there are girls in the family. I've seen this be the case with my family and most of my cousins too.
It's a difficult time and I have a feeling your brother feels that his financial help is enough.
I wish you luck....

I feel your disappointment and pain. My husband has three grown children. One calls regularly though he does not drive so he only visits when his Mom, who Has been really supportive and, brings him to see his dad on special occasions-living two hours away. The sad thing there is that he really does not fully comprehend the gravity of his father's condition and so often believes everything his father says. His other son is always voicing concern and saying "let me know what I can do" -again from a two hour drive away and he works full time. What I truly need, and have just not been able to ask for, is financial help in lieu of visits so that I can afford regular respite care. But He does come to special occasions as well. His daughter visits regularly, two-three times a month, sometimes taking her dad out for a short time, but that has become much more difficult now as he is having trouble walking. She stays exactly three hours, occasionally brings lunch. Again, I need to let her know that what I truly need is for her to let me rest when she is here. I have been really remiss in letting family members know what I need from them in order to be a more effective caregiver now that their father has declined into the latter stages of this awful condition.

My brother seldom visited my mother when she was alive. I doubt he has even been to her grave, since I am the only one who is leaving flowers. I took care of everything (financial, medical, legal etc.) and my brother lived just a few miles away from her. His statement of "she doesn't even know who I am" may have been a good excuse in his mind, but sometimes she didn't know who I was either! That didn't deter me, I would carry on a conversation with her then eventually she would ask who I was. I remember how her face lit up when she realized who I was. The only time I could get my brother to visit was when I went to the home with a small birthday cake for her then call him to see if he wanted to come celebrate with us. When she passed away, he showed up at the funeral and paid for the flowers.........I did everything else. Then he had the gall to chastise me for not helping pay for the flowers, which he didn't even mention till he turned on his bad attitude, then just hung up on me.

Long story short, we are now not speaking to each other after I more or less evicted his son who was supposed to be taking care of my mothers house for the last 3-4 years as a "Caretaker" only paying for the utilities he used. My entire summer has been consumed with cleaning and repairing the house so I can sell it. My nephew was no caretaker and created a huge mess and significant damage. Needless to say all of the neighbors are glad he is gone and happy that I am fixing up the house. Take my word for it, NEVER BUT NEVER TRUST THAT JUST BECAUSE A PERSON IS "FAMILY" THAT THEY WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR LOVED ONES HOME OR POSSESSIONS. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can clearly see that I made a big mistake allowing a "family member" to take advantage of our situation. My mother trusted me and I trusted him, never again! The one thing I am glad for is that mom did not see how the home she loved so much has been trashed........but I'm making it right......without my brothers help!

My mother would always quote the following statement to me when she remembered she had a son and asked where he was : "A son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life." Guess she knew who she could count on! Miss you Mom <3

My mother has Alzheimer’s & has lived with us for 2-1/2 years. I have 2 brothers that do absolutely nothing. No contributions, no calls, no visits, again absolutely nothing. I’m sure they will be around when something happens to her. Big surprise for them is going to be that she no longer has anything but her car that I rarely use to take her places. I’m sure I will get questioned but in my eyes neither have a right to anything. They don’t deserve one cent. I have missed grandkids ball games, concerts, school programs etc..... I’m very grateful that I have 2 kids that totally understand & my grandkids are old enough to also understand. I’m missing out on so much but I know what I’m doing is a good thing. She’s my mother. When the time does come my brothers better not say a word. My children will see to it that they get put in their place. This is the hardest & most tiring job I’ve ever had but I wouldn’t want either of them doing it & I know in my heart my mom appreciates it & that means the world to me.

I'm going to assume you are a daughter. I have had the care of several elderly relatives. When I visit the residences, I see females and more females visiting and taking care of things. I was shocked one evening when there was a guy, a son there. I was actually thankful that my brother didn't bother me and try to interfere with care of our mother. I called my brother to tell him she had had a stroke. Did he make a visit, a call, flowers, a card even? NO. Seven years later, he's upset with me because I called him the day AFTER she died. You may find yourself having a problem with the fact that your brother is taking care of the finances. Good luck with that.

Some people for whatever reasons are simply unable or unwilling to face sick people or be involved with them. However, be glad he is taking care of her affairs Some people won't even do that. Just keep him informed of what is going on and ask that he keep you informed what he is doing with regard to taking care of her. There is not much you can do with people like this. Don't burn your bridges. You may need him someday.

Same here. My brother lives one mile from my parents and never visited or lifted a finger while my mom was alive. I live 2 hours away and did all the paperwork to get her Medicaid LTC and went there every weekend to clean and shop. My sister who lives nearby helped as much as she could but could have used more help. He said he wasn't going to change her diapers (that was before the MLTC aides). So I wrote out a list of other things he could help with such as grocery shopping, doctor visits, prescription pick ups, etc. Yet he and his wife seem to think they do help, but they don't do anything. Its baffling and infuriating. She even lied to my aunt that they brought over meals. I asked my dad and he said that happened once. I felt my mom was waiting for him to visit before she died and that hurt me that he never did. You have to wonder what our society is doing wrong in the way we are raising our boys that they turn out like this. It's unbelievable.

Without spelling out my situation, I can share my thoughts. I love my siblings as much as I love my mom and I tell myself “My siblings relationship with their mother is on them. It’s their business. They must have their reasons.” So if the goal is to keep mom happy then arrange for friends, family, church shut in list etc to make visits. Host a family dinner once a month to get a together. Don’t focus on what they don’t do. It is not your (my) place to judge. Just to
love and appreciate