My brother takes care of the financial needs for her. But he does not visit her. I'm angry and I hurt for my mom. Talking to him turns into an intense argument. Anyone else have this issue?
My brothers are good guys but they didn't visit. One lives 8 hrs away and drives for a living so I can see why he didn't get home regularly. When he did out of two full days, he saw Mom once. Telling my husband he couldn't stand seeing her that way. My other brother just chose to visit a couple of times a year and he lived 30 min. away. My Mom deserved more out of her boys the problem is she never expected them to do. So, let brother deal with it the way he wants. He may reqret it but he will have to live with it, not you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to listen to someone say “OH, it just HURTS me SO MUCH to see Mom (Aunt Terry, Grandpa, etcetcetcetcetc) like this I just can’t BEAR TO VISIT”. Call me goofy, but I’d rather hear the same thing 50 times if it isn’t “PLEASE TAKE ME HOME” or “Why am I here?”.
Hello, I am new here but saw your post and can relate to what you are experiencing.
I have 2 siblings that never help our mother with anything. Worse than that, they rarely, if ever, call her, visit her or write to her. My spectacular siblings live in the same city as our 86 yr old mom and still do nothing!! I live in another state (12 hrs drive) and visit my mom a couple times a year. I fly her down to my house 2x a year for 2 weeks during Christmas and any other holiday or event of her choice.
I don't understand how they can ignore her completely. I will admit she can be a handful but she still doesn't deserve this. She says they check in once in awhile but I think she has to say that to live with the pain. I have been here for 3 weeks now trying to help her find a new car and I haven't heard them check on her once.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I do not. I myself struggle to understand how ppl can completely cut their loved ones out of their lives. To me there is a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is going through this and to know all of us share that pain. For me, I also resent it. I want them to carry some of the burden and I want them to act like they are part of a family and that they do care. But I know I cant make anyone feel anything and I cant make them do what I want.
What I can do is make a support system for myself through sites like this. Possibly gain experience, strength and hope from others out there willing to share. So I read what others say and I share a little too and through that I find that little piece of hope and comfort.
I wish you well and have an awesome weekend Lavenderblu
The simple fact is, your brother has to live with himself. If he doesn’t want to visit his mother, you can’t force him. If you know it’s a sore subject, don’t bring it up with him. You can’t guilt him into visiting her. Is it ok that he doesn’t visit? No. It stinks. For him and for her. If he has an email, send him monthly updates on Mom. If he doesn’t read them or respond, well, you’ve done your part.
My brother is the same way it bothers him to see mom this way. So he doesn't visit. As if it doesn't bother me or any one else seeing a loved one decline. You cannot force some one to become involved . They have to live with themselves. My heart goes out to you.
It may be too painful for your brother to see his mom fading away and he lacks the character to override his discomfort.
Sometimes the parent was abusive or wildly unfair to the child over their lifetime and the child stays away to protect themselves.
My mother has narcissitic personality disorder and makes herself out to be an angel and victim when she is not. Her friends and doctor wonder why her kids are not around; if only they knew the truth.
Without spelling out my situation, I can share my thoughts. I love my siblings as much as I love my mom and I tell myself “My siblings relationship with their mother is on them. It’s their business. They must have their reasons.” So if the goal is to keep mom happy then arrange for friends, family, church shut in list etc to make visits. Host a family dinner once a month to get a together. Don’t focus on what they don’t do. It is not your (my) place to judge. Just to love and appreciate
Yes, I have had this issue. Painfully, I have learned that unless you absolutely know everything there is to know about another person’s motivations, it is prudent to just carry on, as best you can, with fulfilling YOUR need to be there (or not) for your parent.
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
I agree with the other posters, yet also consider that your brother may be overwhelmed with the financial details of making the wheels spin on your Mom's life. I was an only child, so I took care of EVERYTHING; financial, healthcare decisions, visiting her, etc. He may be burned out; I know the legal and money details from taking care of my mom almost made it so I didn't want to visit at all; it just felt then that my whole life was about her, her, and her. You could maybe offer to take over a few facets of his job duties and ask if that would make it so he would be able to have the energy to visit more.
When I would get the nasty comments from caregivers, " well, nice to See You; its been A While!!" It was very hurtful, as they did not realize that I had spent countless hours on the phone with insurance people, her pharmacy, the MD office, her bank.
My 3 sibs would probably write huge checks instead of actually TALKING to mother. Oh, wait, that's what they DO.
I did PT care giving for mother until my "in charge" brother told me that I made everything worse and to stay away. (Yes, I did clean, and yes, I would not allow a bag full of sopping wet Depends to sit in the bathroom for days on end....) a family council last Jan. wound up with mother receiving LESS help and care. She needs in home care, brother (she lives with his family) refuses to allow strangers in. I fought for this, but in the end, yep, legally he had the right to say no to outside care.
We didn't have a "stellar" mother,in fact, it is very hard for me to talk to her, the little that I do. Her perception of of our family life is so off base...I can't wrap my head around the abuse and hurt she allowed to go on. Trying to forgive her, trying to care for her--super emotionally brutal.
I am constantly amazed that this subject comes up so often in new posts. It must be a family dynamic of long standing for MANY families.
My mother has her 'golden children' I am not one of them. A visit to her is a surefire way to trigger a migraine in me, for many reasons. I talk to her about once or twice a month and visit her, well, nor for months. She wants it like that.
In short, you can't make someone who doesn't want to be involved, be involved.
My DH is not talking to his mother at all, currently. Not a word. He had 2 massive heart attacks and almost died 8 weeks ago. We heard not one word from her, not a peep. So when he hears from his sis that she's angry b/c he never stops by--what they heck does she expect?
Call me goofy, but I’d rather hear the same thing 50 times if it isn’t “PLEASE TAKE ME HOME” or “Why am I here?”.
I am new here but saw your post and can relate to what you are experiencing.
I have 2 siblings that never help our mother with anything. Worse than that, they rarely, if ever, call her, visit her or write to her. My spectacular siblings live in the same city as our 86 yr old mom and still do nothing!! I live in another state (12 hrs drive) and visit my mom a couple times a year. I fly her down to my house 2x a year for 2 weeks during Christmas and any other holiday or event of her choice.
I don't understand how they can ignore her completely. I will admit she can be a handful but she still doesn't deserve this. She says they check in once in awhile but I think she has to say that to live with the pain. I have been here for 3 weeks now trying to help her find a new car and I haven't heard them check on her once.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I do not. I myself struggle to understand how ppl can completely cut their loved ones out of their lives. To me there is a comfort in knowing you are not the only one who is going through this and to know all of us share that pain. For me, I also resent it. I want them to carry some of the burden and I want them to act like they are part of a family and that they do care. But I know I cant make anyone feel anything and I cant make them do what I want.
What I can do is make a support system for myself through sites like this. Possibly gain experience, strength and hope from others out there willing to share. So I read what others say and I share a little too and through that I find that little piece of hope and comfort.
I wish you well and have an awesome weekend
Lavenderblu
Sometimes the parent was abusive or wildly unfair to the child over their lifetime and the child stays away to protect themselves.
My mother has narcissitic personality disorder and makes herself out to be an angel and victim when she is not. Her friends and doctor wonder why her kids are not around; if only they knew the truth.
Sometimes, though, the kids are just ingrates.
love and appreciate
Once my sister was diagnosed with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis (on top of quite a few other health issues and an abusive home life), I backed off of presuming she was shirking filial duty. Sadly, I still get peeved at her for not returning important calls or answering emails. I always find out later that she is in excruciating pain or ER, and simply can’t deal with her life, leave alone our 97-year-old father’s.
I manage Dad’s life and finances. Yesterday I charted near-daily points of contact for me (12) which I regularly make on Dad’s behalf. I am go-between for 7 caregivers (two agencies), each with personality and turf issues. I manage Dad’s old, sad broken home. I have lymphoma, my husband, 86, is disabled with various conditions, and I simply am tired and don’t want to leave our home.
When I have traveled to Dad’s (before hospice), the wear and tear on me was tremendous (350 miles round trip). Not only is my life and husband’s life disrupted, but I firmly believe my father’s peaceful day-to-day existence is disrupted. It was during my last visit that he fell and had to endure a rehab placement, which caused an notable decline in his dementia, physical strength, and then hospice qualification. Nobody asked me how I was doing as I trudged through a half dozen facilities and scrambled for legal and medical advice for him. My husband was worried sick about me. You have to push to get help for a loved one (at your expense), or they will unwittingly and helplessly eat you alive.
Any outsider or sibling who doesn’t know me intimately, could reasonably project that I am uncaring.
I get nauseous and physically ill when I even think of visiting him. Because of his advancing dementia, it is impossible to Skype or talk by phone. My therapist and friends support my not doing so. Do I love my father? Yes. Do I look like I do? No. It is my issue to live with that -- how I wish things were different.
I don’t believe my presence matters much to him now. Yes, there would be a quick spark in his eye and smiles. But I am burnt out having done that, at my expense, since 1996. Sis secretly probably wonders why I can’t visit him. She can’t have a clue what I’ve been doing for nearly two decades. And I don’t want her to.
When I would get the nasty comments from caregivers, " well, nice to See You; its been A While!!" It was very hurtful, as they did not realize that I had spent countless hours on the phone with insurance people, her pharmacy, the MD office, her bank.
Just something you might want to consider.
I did PT care giving for mother until my "in charge" brother told me that I made everything worse and to stay away. (Yes, I did clean, and yes, I would not allow a bag full of sopping wet Depends to sit in the bathroom for days on end....) a family council last Jan. wound up with mother receiving LESS help and care. She needs in home care, brother (she lives with his family) refuses to allow strangers in. I fought for this, but in the end, yep, legally he had the right to say no to outside care.
We didn't have a "stellar" mother,in fact, it is very hard for me to talk to her, the little that I do. Her perception of of our family life is so off base...I can't wrap my head around the abuse and hurt she allowed to go on. Trying to forgive her, trying to care for her--super emotionally brutal.
I am constantly amazed that this subject comes up so often in new posts. It must be a family dynamic of long standing for MANY families.
My mother has her 'golden children' I am not one of them. A visit to her is a surefire way to trigger a migraine in me, for many reasons. I talk to her about once or twice a month and visit her, well, nor for months. She wants it like that.
In short, you can't make someone who doesn't want to be involved, be involved.
My DH is not talking to his mother at all, currently. Not a word. He had 2 massive heart attacks and almost died 8 weeks ago. We heard not one word from her, not a peep. So when he hears from his sis that she's angry b/c he never stops by--what they heck does she expect?
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