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I see this same question been posted but still would like opinions from people. My boyfriend who had given up his full time job as a court clerk has been looking after his dad whom has dementia. Now that his dad has gone into a nursing home we appear no further on as my boyfriend is now looking after his elderly mum who is very capable but just won't stay on her own and feels very hard done by.


He is not only looking after his mum but the house and grounds and all the fetching and carrying - its never ending! I feel that the fact that his sister and brother have agreed for him to be willed the home is letting them off scott free but also dangling a carrot to keep him at home looking after his mum.


Its putting a strain on us as I feel he is going to keep me hanging on until his mum passes away and then there might be a promise of us getting on with our own lives. I don't see how I should have to come second best to a woman who enjoyed a long and happy marriage with her husband. My boyfriend is very laid back and just wants to keep everyone happy.


Thank you for taking the time to read and advise.

Shoeaddict, what your boyfriend is going though is the norm for many grown children, single or married, young or seniors themselves... unless their parents had passed when they were very young. Apparently your boyfriend loves his parents dearly and will do what he can to make their final time the best possible.

Put yourself in his Mom's shoes. The love of her life is no longer living with her, he is now in a nursing home. This isn't how they planned their retirement. She is lost, scared, and alone, even with her son being there.... it's not the same as having a spouse around.

Is his Mom really "capable"? My elderly Dad by all accounts appeared to be quite capable but he had what is called "sundowning" where he would get into his time machine and transport back to the 1940's. This would happen late afternoons or early evenings. One usually doesn't notice this unless one is with that elder 24/7.

I realize you wish your boyfriend had more time to be with you. What if this situation was reversed, and it was your parents that you were taking care of? You would be so exhausted that you wouldn't have any free time. Would you prefer that your boyfriend would be there to help you in anyway he could, or prefer that he say "good-bye" leaving you alone?

Just food for thought.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Yes, your age and Moms will have a lot to do with our answers. Those in their 20s tend to be "romantic" about situations. Those in their 30s and up who have "been there" tend to be more realistic. I feel that you and BF need a good sit down. You need to ask him how you will fit in the sceam of things. If Mom can be on her own, he needs to get a job. Maybe she can hire someone to "fetch and carry" and help with outside chores. If not, then maybe its time to downsize. He can't be everything to everyone. He maybe should tell his siblings he needs to get back to work and Mom will need them to help out too.

You can be there for support but I would start living my life without him. Don't tie yourself down. He hasn't committed to you so he really doesn't owe u anything.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You need to really think about what you want from this relationship, what you personally want from your future and whether you see yourself with him in the future, perhaps living long-term with him and his mother. Have you been together long enough that you are just too comfortable with each other and it’s easier to stay together? Do you have a fear of being single? Your boyfriend has already made his choice. He was caring for his dad and now has taken on the responsibility of his mother. Whether or not she needs to be “cared for”, he has decided to do it. If you remind him that she doesn’t need 24/7 care, he will just turn a deaf ear. He sees it at his responsibility. I foresee the house having to be sold to pay for Dad’s care in the future.

You can can stay with him and tolerate the fact that your happiness come after Mom’s and Dad’s, or you can strike off on your own and tell him when he has time for you to let you know.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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From your perspective, you can either accept the present situation and hope for a better future with your boyfriend or start making a new future for yourself now without him. He is committed to caring for his family. If you try and put a wedge in that commitment for your sake, you may jeopardize any relationship you have now with the boyfriend. Your boyfriend is trying to do the best he can by his parents and still try and make you happy. What you want from him now is not realistic for him to conform to your wishes. It isn't about him putting you second best. It is about his accepting the responsibilities he chose to do.
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Reply to Labs4me
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The answers are going to be different if you aren't in the USA but if you are then being the sole heir will mean nothing if all his parent's assets are used up paying for long term care.

Also, how old are his parents, and both of you?
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Reply to cwillie
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