I have been in a relationship with a 60 yr. old man for well over a year. I thought for sure he was going to propose at Christmas but it never happened. I was so hurt and disappointed that I decided to ask him what his plan for our future was. He told me that he can't even begin to think about marriage until his 89 yr. old mom dies. He loves me but he just can't make any changes while she is alive. She is a very healthy woman and I like her a lot and she likes me too. This information really shocked me. I told him I can't accept that and he said thats an ultimatum. Why is it an ultimatum when I am only saying how I feel. Why isn't the fact he won't make a real committment until shes gone and ultimatum to me? I told him I will grow to resent her and that it isn't fair. He seems to think she will only be around a short time but that is a gruesome way to think. I told him I am willing to has her live with us and help care for her but he said he won't be pushed into marriage. I am so hurt and confused. I am 55 and want to start to build a life with someone. I feel like I wasted a year. I should have asked sooner. He put me on his life insurance and seems to really love me................Should I move on??? I kinda think he already has a partner.
You wasted a year. But, you are wiser now too
I'm so sorry to hear what is happening but I have to agree with the others. What kind of man uses his elderly mom as an excuse not to marry! That is horrid. Why not say I love you and I want to marry you know while my mom can be part of the ceremony instead?
What's worse, after the mom dies and he says well I can't marry you still because now I'm grieving! What will be the next excuse?
You're in your fifties. For more than a year, you've been developing a relationship with a man who has important, though not directly competing, commitments.
Have you been having a nice time? Do you like him, his company, being in this relationship as it is?
If so, what's wrong with continuing it? What are you expecting marriage to bring to it that it hasn't already got?
If not, why are you bothering anyway?
I despair at the thought that by our *fifties*, for heaven's sake, we're still looking hopefully for security from someone else. You are the mistress of your fate. You decide whether this man is someone you want to keep in your life, or not. But decide that on the basis of what he is now, not what you hope he may become in some hypothetical future scenario.
I suppose I must just not be the marrying kind.
If I had seen this sooner, thinking that I would have asked PamVater how that went down that she was a beneficiary of his life insurance? Never heard of that, ever. Seems strange to anyone else? NOT a natural progression of anything, almost unreal, but definitely surreal, imo.
I can risk posting this because by now a result will be inevitable. Hoping it is not this: He used the life insurance as a hook, a fake commitment, one that can be simply changed with a call to his insurance agent. What is the hook?
Double benefits from the policy....There will be money AND someone to care for Mom if he dies. How could anyone not take care of his Mom? Guilt.
Hoping the OP, PamVater comes back and has a better outcome. Pam?
Otherwise, move on by leaving this relationship.
Been there, done that with my father, mother and stepfather. My sig other's father passed from cancer a few years ago. His mother is going strong.... or not. Depends on the day. And the mood. And who she's chosen for her Triangulation Of The Day.
This journey puts you through the wringer like no other. It affects all other relationships. And your peace of mind. And often your health. I shudder at the thought of a new chapter of this in my 50s, 60s or 70s. With a fresh cast of characters. No thanks, folks.
It's not even the prospect of more elder issues per se that would give me pause. (Altho that's bad enough.) It's the ripple effect across the family. The changes and the expectations color every exchange and every gathering.
You cannot control when your own elder care odyssey will end. But once it's over, you can control whether or not you'll sign up for someone else's tour of duty.
I know your heart is broken and this is difficult. I strongly urge you to move on as I have witnessed a similar situation in my family.
My Narcissist Mother destroyed my brother's engagement from his one and only love many years ago. He has not dated since and truly has no energy or desire to be in a relationship. She has beat him down and guilted him into living with her and being her "servant".
He is a kind, good man with a huge heart and he says,"If you say anything to her, it will make things 10x worse. So I just bite my tongue and go outside." [What a life, right?] We try to relieve him so that he can get away for a couple days. But the minute he comes back, she starts with the demands.
Maybe his Mother is not that bad, but obviously there are very strong ties between them and he is going to put her first always. Sadly when she is gone, he may have long lasting issues with the loss.
Bless you and may you always find true Happiness!
I don't know the situation with his mother, but normal people want to get married before someone passes away so that, he or she can be there to share in the joy, especially a mother.
Life is way too short and the words love and ultimatum should never be together.