My boyfriend won't marry me til his Mother dies! Any advice?

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, it's not right. I hate to say this, but I think it's best to move on.

I don't know the situation with his mother, but normal people want to get married before someone passes away so that, he or she can be there to share in the joy, especially a mother.

Life is way too short and the words love and ultimatum should never be together.

Blackhole described my feelings about this exactly. I work with a guy I'm sort of attracted to, maybe under other circumstances something could come of it. But among other perhaps more surmountable issues, he cares for his mother. He feels morally obligated to do it. He told me "She took care of me for 18 years, so I'm responsible for her." Worse, she's only in her 70's (yes he's younger than me, for anyone doing the math). She could live another 20 years, and his "responsibilities" are likely to vastly increase over time. It's a shame because I really like this guy but the living parent and his extreme sense of responsibility would be a major obstacle to me going beyond a friendship with him.

Dear SapphireBlue,

I know your heart is broken and this is difficult. I strongly urge you to move on as I have witnessed a similar situation in my family.

My Narcissist Mother destroyed my brother's engagement from his one and only love many years ago. He has not dated since and truly has no energy or desire to be in a relationship. She has beat him down and guilted him into living with her and being her "servant".

He is a kind, good man with a huge heart and he says,"If you say anything to her, it will make things 10x worse. So I just bite my tongue and go outside." [What a life, right?] We try to relieve him so that he can get away for a couple days. But the minute he comes back, she starts with the demands.

Maybe his Mother is not that bad, but obviously there are very strong ties between them and he is going to put her first always. Sadly when she is gone, he may have long lasting issues with the loss.

Bless you and may you always find true Happiness!

I'm 50-ish. If I found myself alone at this age (or older) and seeking companionship, I'd prefer someone whose parents have already passed. Greatly prefer.

Been there, done that with my father, mother and stepfather. My sig other's father passed from cancer a few years ago. His mother is going strong.... or not. Depends on the day. And the mood. And who she's chosen for her Triangulation Of The Day.

This journey puts you through the wringer like no other. It affects all other relationships. And your peace of mind. And often your health. I shudder at the thought of a new chapter of this in my 50s, 60s or 70s. With a fresh cast of characters. No thanks, folks.

It's not even the prospect of more elder issues per se that would give me pause. (Altho that's bad enough.) It's the ripple effect across the family. The changes and the expectations color every exchange and every gathering.

You cannot control when your own elder care odyssey will end. But once it's over, you can control whether or not you'll sign up for someone else's tour of duty.

Getting married doesn't mean everything ahead will go seamlessly down the road. Why would he be any more ready for marriage after his mom died? Just a convenient excuse but also an excuse that doesn't make much sense to me.

Yes, Move on. But what Countrymouse says makes sense, too. If you are satisfied with the way things are and wouldn't mind that as a permanent situation, then move on to accepting that marriage is not in your future. And staying with him without the expectation of marriage is a valid choice -- if you think it through and really make that choice, and not just let it happen by default.

Otherwise, move on by leaving this relationship.

Men who want to marry will not wait for mommy to die in order to live their lives. He's not serious about marrying you. Not everyone is cut out for marriage. Move on.

There is a book that describes men like him, When He's Married to Mom. It's called emotional incest.

Was happlily reading the advice given, then realized it was about a year ago.
If I had seen this sooner, thinking that I would have asked PamVater how that went down that she was a beneficiary of his life insurance? Never heard of that, ever. Seems strange to anyone else? NOT a natural progression of anything, almost unreal, but definitely surreal, imo.

I can risk posting this because by now a result will be inevitable. Hoping it is not this: He used the life insurance as a hook, a fake commitment, one that can be simply changed with a call to his insurance agent. What is the hook?
Double benefits from the policy....There will be money AND someone to care for Mom if he dies. How could anyone not take care of his Mom? Guilt.

Hoping the OP, PamVater comes back and has a better outcome. Pam?

I dunno. I don't really understand.

You're in your fifties. For more than a year, you've been developing a relationship with a man who has important, though not directly competing, commitments.

Have you been having a nice time? Do you like him, his company, being in this relationship as it is?

If so, what's wrong with continuing it? What are you expecting marriage to bring to it that it hasn't already got?

If not, why are you bothering anyway?

I despair at the thought that by our *fifties*, for heaven's sake, we're still looking hopefully for security from someone else. You are the mistress of your fate. You decide whether this man is someone you want to keep in your life, or not. But decide that on the basis of what he is now, not what you hope he may become in some hypothetical future scenario.

I suppose I must just not be the marrying kind.

Dear Sapphireblue,

I'm so sorry to hear what is happening but I have to agree with the others. What kind of man uses his elderly mom as an excuse not to marry! That is horrid. Why not say I love you and I want to marry you know while my mom can be part of the ceremony instead?

What's worse, after the mom dies and he says well I can't marry you still because now I'm grieving! What will be the next excuse?

Never make someone your priority while they keep you around as an option.

You wasted a year. But, you are wiser now too

And watch the movie Moonstruck if you need any more convincing.

Sapphireblue, since your situation is so similar, have you found the answers to the original post helpful?

I'll say what I said to the original post: Move on. Waiting for someone to die is no way to live.

I am glad I found this article because I am in the same situation of going out with my boyfriend for nearly 16 months and feeling that I am waiting for his mother to pass, which does not sit well with me. I like his mother and do not want her to die but its a waiting game and I am increasingly feeling I am wasting my time. Do I move on or wait. He is a nice, kind guy. So mixed up and want to be happy.

What he is saying and doing says a lot about him. In my eyes, it says that he really doesn't value you, or your relationship and he is using his mother as an excuse. There are better men out there that will value you and marry you. Get out of that relationship because it sounds like more of the friends with benefits deal. See if you can keep the friendship with his mother.

Jean is close to what I think. His mom has no health issues and may live many more years and I hope she does. She is a wonderful lady. I told him if we were in our 20's maybe we could drag our feet for some time. He is 60 and I am 55. I have raised seven kids and now they are all out on their own with their own families. I wanna have some fun now. We can't be out long because he worries, we can't go away because he doesn't want to leave her, we can't travel because she can't be left alone. I say "CAN'T....I think not when ever there is a will there is a way if you want it. He is a pretty well off guy he could pay a good person to sit with her or at least check up on her so we can have a little freedom. I am not so selfish that I would think this would have to happen that often but it would be nice one in a while. I want to build a life with him and that takes time. Now he wants me to move in......I'm not ready for that one. I wanted to get engaged and over the next few years make some future plans. I was not rushing to the alter. I just wanted a commitment that it was comin down the line in the next few years. I mean I'd have to clear my whole house out and sell it first. Who knows how long it could take to sell. I think I am gonna have to take a step back if I decide to stay on with him. He said he wants marriage to be a natural progression but I thought the last yr. and a half WAS a natural progression lol Before I throw in the towel I am going to tell him tonight I wanna take a step back. I'm gonna explain that I was shocked when he reacted to marriage the way he did when we talked. I'm gonna explain that I wasn't trying to get him to ask me to move in. I don't want to live in his bachelor pad. I wanted a ring that meant commitment. But now that I have seen his reaction and know how he is thinking I don't feel the same anymore. I have been hurt and given a big wake up call. So now I think maybe we should have more time apart. I should spend some of my free time with my friends and family and not let him eat up all my free time. I want him to take me off of his life insurance policies cuz that's something you do when you are commited to someone. I'm gonna stop saying how much I love him all the time and let him say it first. I'm gonna move on in my own life as if we will never be married. Either he will decide this is stupid or I will start having fun away from him and it will fizzle out. I hope it will make him think a little but I just don't think he ever acts the way I predict. He is one odd man. I used to text him every morning and say "GM baby, I hope you have a great day. I love you to the moon and back! xoxoxo" and would always get "U too" back. How sad. So the last two days I didn't text him. You know what I'm not feelin it. If he wants me to ever feel it again he will have to do some work for it. I'm startin to think there maybe other fish in the sea that might say more than "U too". We have gone out every friday and saturday since we met. I'm gonna tell him I want friday night to be the night we can do stuff with our friends. I love to dance and he won't dance so maybe I will go out with my friends and dance, see movies he wouldn't see stuff like that. I'm not feeling the love like I did before this all happened and I think he's really gonna have to work to get it back even to where it was. I'm hurt. Either he will not like this new uncommiited relationship and do what he needs to do to make me happy(put a ring on it) and work to compromise together in a healthy way or he will like it and I will know he never was for me.

We've had similar situations posted here before, but in every case I can remember the man was CARING for his disabled and/or impaired mother. That really is a different situation.

In this case Mom is healthy and likes the poster. The "until Mom dies" thing is an irrational excuse.

Perhaps his real attitude is "I don't particularly want to get married, but I'd to continue my relationship with you." If that is the case, why doesn't he just express the truth? Then PamVater could decide how important marriage is to her and whether she is willing to accept status quo. But giving her a stupid timeframe? Nah. That is not genuine and it sucks.

A man who decides he will not marry until his healthy mother dies has some definite problems. Maybe if you were both in your twenties or thirties you could take the time to work this out (probably with a lot of outside therapy.) But in the present circumstances?

Move on.

TheHatedOne, now I know God was really looking out for me. Marriage would have been a big mistake! I got swept up in all his romantic promises, a bunch of hot air. A boyfriend would be nice, but I will never marry. Hugs to you!

I totally agree with tacy022!
What is so important about marriage anyway! Most full time relationships end in failure. Maybe he knows the difficulties of dealing with his mother and doesn´t want to impose her on you Pam! Maybe he feels guilt about abandoning his mother. Do you think that he may be seing other women? If you think he´s only yours and you love the man and he loves you, and you see enough of each other, then what is the urgency of marriage!?
I had a boyfriend who talked about marriage and about me reading the spiritual books that he wanted me to read, and it made me sick; things weren´t good in other aspects anyway...I told him to leave...
In my past relationships I never felt the marriage pull, and don´t understand why women feel that need. I had a boyfriend who lived with mommy, but he didn´t see enough of me, and had way too many friends (many women too), I loved him dearly, but one day after some jealousy attitudes I had, he passed by, made me extremely angry and I told him to leave...he was dying o hear those words & left! I did some more idiotic things (emails to his female firends) and he never talked to me again...I still love him and would accept him without a BLINK! Hugs

freqflyer, it wasn't easy. He even got me to come back to him by putting a big ring on my finger, going to therapy AND paying for a prenup! Still, he could never set a wedding date. I agonized for another few months, then ended it for good.
A lady I don't know private messaged me on Facebook to commiserate. He pulled the same thing on her. I didn't respond.

yogagirl, you did the wise thing, wish I would have done that years ago. My sig other kept making excuses, too. Now when he mention marriage, I turn a deaf ear. The excitement of planning a wedding was long gone over a decade ago.

Have you ever heard of the book "When He's Married to Mom"? He sounds like a mom enmeshed man. Move on.

You tell him, "look - that plan makes me into some kind of a vulture, and I can't live with it. I cannot imagine waiting for someone else to die so I can live; I cannot imagine that your time of grief could be my time of joy. Why do you really think your mom could not accept me as your spouse now? This is not OK. I like your mom, she likes me, and I want her to have a long happy life - I cannot stand to be of two minds, wanting the best for her and longing for the day she passes on so we can marry. It makes no sense and I can't be part of it."

Hi Pam,
I've been there, too. Only with mine, it was not until after his grown daughter's operation. Well, that came and went, then it was not until his house remodel was finished.
It will always be something. Looking back, I'm better off without him!
As my mother wisely said about him before her Alzheimers, "If this is a problem, everything will be a problem."

If he was never married, it is possible that he is emotionally dependent upon his mom, and she may not be nice to you if she thinks you took something away from her. I have known at least two men who had longtime girlfriends that they did marry after mama died, in that same age range. (I knew another one who dumped the one that thought she had the inside track and married someone else.)
And there is a possibility that there is another woman, but if he did take you to his home and introduce to mama, that's much less likely (the ones you want to watch for is the ones that don't ever have you visit him at home and don't give you their home number.) The likelihood is that the "other woman" is Mama.

It could be that when you choose to move on that he will change his mind. If he doesn't, it says a lot. If he does change it, you can decide if it will work or not. I'm a bit of a romantic. I like the Percy Sledge song "When a Man Loves a Woman." It's how I think it should be for a relationship to work (within reason, of course).

My thought if a man told me he would marry me after his mother died would be if there would be a slot opening for the position of "Mother." It really doesn't make much sense. He may just be saying that he won't have enough time for you until then. This is understandable, but not something you could invest your time safely in. What if his mother lived another 10-15 years. That would be a long wait.

I guess it is just weird to think of my life without him in it. For so long I just fantasized how our life together would be. I am kinda shocked. My kids are all grown now and I have lots of free time to give someone. This ones gonna hurt for awhile. I hate love and yet love it so much at the same time. I have been so good to him. But it is true the clock is ticking and their are still a lot of fish in the sea. I guess I should be thinking I'm lucky that I found out how he felt and didn't wait another year. Just sux.

MichThumb, aren't you caring for your wife with Alz/dementia? That's what you wrote in your first thread.

Hi, The clock is ticking.......
Cannot see the logic in waiting??
If he does not get over that issue,call me.
My mother has passed and I am ready