My boyfriend won't marry me til his Mother dies! Any advice? -

My boyfriend won't marry me til his Mother dies! Any advice?


I have been in a relationship with a 60 yr. old man for well over a year. I thought for sure he was going to propose at Christmas but it never happened. I was so hurt and disappointed that I decided to ask him what his plan for our future was. He told me that he can't even begin to think about marriage until his 89 yr. old mom dies. He loves me but he just can't make any changes while she is alive. She is a very healthy woman and I like her a lot and she likes me too. This information really shocked me. I told him I can't accept that and he said thats an ultimatum. Why is it an ultimatum when I am only saying how I feel. Why isn't the fact he won't make a real committment until shes gone and ultimatum to me? I told him I will grow to resent her and that it isn't fair. He seems to think she will only be around a short time but that is a gruesome way to think. I told him I am willing to has her live with us and help care for her but he said he won't be pushed into marriage. I am so hurt and confused. I am 55 and want to start to build a life with someone. I feel like I wasted a year. I should have asked sooner. He put me on his life insurance and seems to really love me................Should I move on??? I kinda think he already has a partner.

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Pam - I truly understand - we're the same age, you & I - and I've been in your shoes more than once. So please let me advise that you haven't "wasted" a year - you've had a relationship...and relationships are never wasted time,,,,each relationship (good and bad) is a learning experience. People come in and out of our lives for a reason,,,you learn something from each one. You love him - but your priorities are different. I'd bet the "not until mama dies" is not the real reason - sounds like it's the most convenient for him to say. Most men in the pond we're fishing from have experiences that turn them away from the marriage commitment,,,mama has nothing to do with it.

It's hard to be our age and in search of THE happy ending. It seems like we're competing with younger gals with smoother faces and not so many "war wounds" like stretchmarks and crows' feet. But real men in our age category don't all fall at the feet of younger women, but appreciate us for the beauty we radiate...and beautiful includes wrinkles and a little extra padding here and there.

If Prince Charming here doesn't want to commit to marriage and marriage is important to you - step back. Consider the successes you've achieved in the relationship, then look at the mistakes that were made - Give yourself credit for your successful conduct and make note of what mistakes to avoid next time: What red flags you ignored, what mistakes you made yourself, what qualities in a partner you wanted but overlooked because this one was so darned cute.... Then tell Prince Charming that you have different goals and you love him,,,but you're gonna have to step back into just being friends and seeing other people. You have every right to pursue the type of relationship you want.

This ain't him at the moment, Pam. Who knows? Could be him at a later date (when he is ready)...but for now,,,,take a break to find a peaceful & balanced finish in yourself regarding this particular relationship - and when you're ready, Mr. Right may just appear - the universe has a way of doing that.

Good luck and peace be with you.
Helpful Answer (18)

You wasted a year. You should have asked sooner. You should move on.

This is very sad, and very harsh, but I think it is better to face reality and move on than to hold false hope.

You are not issuing ultimatums. You are making decisions about your own life, as you certainly should be.

Move on.
Helpful Answer (14)

Move on. Watch the movie Moonstruck if you need further convincing.
Helpful Answer (12)

Sapphireblue, since your situation is so similar, have you found the answers to the original post helpful?

I'll say what I said to the original post: Move on. Waiting for someone to die is no way to live.
Helpful Answer (8)

He's made his decision very clear and I agree with the others: move on.
Helpful Answer (7)

Thanks for all the responses. I kinda feel you are all right. I feel foolish and stupid. Even if I had asked him earlier on I probably would have thought I could change the way he felt. I'm a great girlfriend and I feel I am a pretty good catch. Shame on him. Thanks everyone.
Helpful Answer (7)

I dunno. I don't really understand.

You're in your fifties. For more than a year, you've been developing a relationship with a man who has important, though not directly competing, commitments.

Have you been having a nice time? Do you like him, his company, being in this relationship as it is?

If so, what's wrong with continuing it? What are you expecting marriage to bring to it that it hasn't already got?

If not, why are you bothering anyway?

I despair at the thought that by our *fifties*, for heaven's sake, we're still looking hopefully for security from someone else. You are the mistress of your fate. You decide whether this man is someone you want to keep in your life, or not. But decide that on the basis of what he is now, not what you hope he may become in some hypothetical future scenario.

I suppose I must just not be the marrying kind.
Helpful Answer (7)

You tell him, "look - that plan makes me into some kind of a vulture, and I can't live with it. I cannot imagine waiting for someone else to die so I can live; I cannot imagine that your time of grief could be my time of joy. Why do you really think your mom could not accept me as your spouse now? This is not OK. I like your mom, she likes me, and I want her to have a long happy life - I cannot stand to be of two minds, wanting the best for her and longing for the day she passes on so we can marry. It makes no sense and I can't be part of it."
Helpful Answer (6)

Never make someone your priority while they keep you around as an option.

You wasted a year. But, you are wiser now too
Helpful Answer (6)

I guess it is just weird to think of my life without him in it. For so long I just fantasized how our life together would be. I am kinda shocked. My kids are all grown now and I have lots of free time to give someone. This ones gonna hurt for awhile. I hate love and yet love it so much at the same time. I have been so good to him. But it is true the clock is ticking and their are still a lot of fish in the sea. I guess I should be thinking I'm lucky that I found out how he felt and didn't wait another year. Just sux.
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