My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.
Even aside from the mother, do you really want to be with a guy like this? Seriously. Read your words again, and picture it being strangers you are reading about. Wouldn't you advise this woman to walk away, or in fact, run away from this situation?
* have you two actually talked about the chores of caregiving and the items you have listed here?
* you took care of your Dad even though it made an impact on your health because you loved him to death and would do it again. It is possible that your boyfriend feels the same about his Mom, whether you see it in him or not?
*you say Mom has squandered money from her reverse mortgage so be aware that when she sells her house now most of the sales proceeds will go to the reverse mortgage lender. She isn't going to make very much, if anything from the sale.
* He's "lazy", doesn't have money for the down payment but will pay the mortgage payments once we're in the house. What has he been doing with his money? Where is he suddenly going to get the money to pay a mortgage?
* You have an extra bedroom for your 20 year old dgt " in case she needs to move in so you can help her get back on her feet". What's the relationship between your dgt and boyfriend and has he agreed to the possibility of her moving into the house (or are you the one making assumptions)?
Reading your post, it seems has if you two have just kind of fallen into being used to each other's presence but ......... is there real love and affection there?. This house purchase may benefit no one in the long run and may prove financially disasterous for both you and him. You may definitely want to put a hold on purchasing the house and maybe take sometime apart from each other to analyze your feelings towards your relationship. I would also consider reviewing what you expect a partner to bring to a relationship as well as what you should bring to it.
Once you purchase the house, it will be a financial morass should the relationship fall apart for any reason and based on your post, it could fall apart even as the ink dries on the mortgage documents.
Wishing you good luck and calm thinking on this journey.
You need to stop this in its tracks. Back out. If he is working that many hours, and you are home, you WILL be stuck taking care of her. Is that the real reason for the house? Kinda sounds like it. The timing and all.? is sus.
Tare the 35 and buy your own house. Then visit him when you want.
He is getting a free live in maid. If he is working that many hours, you will be doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the 24/7 free labor to take care of her. Let that sink in. He will say, I can't, I'm at work.
You need to stop this now before you sign any paper work.
I wouldn't move in, until he finds a place for her. He can't take care of her if he is at work. That's a joke.
Tell him it is triggering you, and you can't do another 10years. Your health will suffer. You could have a stroke or heart attack being resentful and taking care of her, because he isn't even home!
That should be a deal breaker. He doesn't even care how you feel about it. He doesnt even care if you say no. He doesnt even care for your feelings. He knows how you feel, and is doing it anyway. That is not a boyfriend. That is a user. Let that sink in!!!
As they use to say way back - Are you nucking futs?
Funny thing, I bet you'll go ahead.
This man is clearly expecting you to care for his mother. Has he made arrangements for a nurse or helper? No. He supposedly can't afford it. He makes YOU sleep on the FLOOR!!!!! He essentially made YOU pay for the house.
I do not understand why you are staying with this horrible person that has no love or respect for you. You need to take a loss on your money, and get AWAY from this man as soon as possible, before you lose your health and sanity. Or, you WILL be the ONLY one caring for his mother.
You need to get counseling to find out why you allow yourself to remain in this abusive (gaslighting) situation.
If BF is not considering or respecting you now, don't sign for the house. Start packing! He WILL take advantage of you and will expect you to do his responsibilities in caregiver. If he will make such demands by disrespecting and not considering your feelings, it's a big red flag to your relationship. Roll on down the road. You deserve better. By not leaving, you've only got yourself to blame.
Why are you "shacked up"? Break the house contract and get away from this stupid situation....you brought all this cr*p on yourself. Get out before it's too late.
Go for counselling and break that deal on closing for a house cause you are not ready for anything just yet.
(Ok...I just read your response and I think you most likely closed on the house. Power struggle going on here and you need to be right. Hopefully things will work out because it doesn't look like any of the comments here made any impression with you.)
But it's guaranteed housing for her, her 15 yo who may stay for however long probably living at home if going to some state school, and her 20-yo daughter who's supposedly on her own but not so much that mom isn't worrying about keeping a spare and empty bed for her.
It's all about how OP won't do any labor for the MIL...so why not just make that clear to BF instead of wigging out that daughter now won't have their spare bed if she needs?
If he is lazy guess who is going to be stuck with the payments? If he is disrespectful now, just wait until you mose in together.
If he brings in his mom the two of them will gang up on you.
Get out now and have no contact or expect a living Hell.