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My boyfriend and I are closing on a house next week, we’ve been renting for the past year. He just found out that his mom has squandered away over 100k in the past 4-5 years from her reverse mortgage and is now worried about money to support herself. He said if she needed to move in with us she would, didn’t ask, just said if she needed to she would. She is 84 and stubbornly unsafe and a huge fall risk with everything she does. I do not want or feel responsible for taking care of her as she gets further along and more disabled. I have met her twice and have no connection to her and I’m not even married to her son yet. I have a back injury that won’t even make it possible to help her with the slightest of transfer tasks. My boyfriend works 10-11 hour shifts and says he’ll take care of her and I’ve told him he has no idea what 24/7 care for an adult who out weighs him or I is like. I took care of my father who had a severe stroke almost ten years ago and it was mentally the hardest thing I have ever done and my thyroid basically died from all the stress involved but I loved him to death and I’d kill myself to do it again if he were still alive. I also don’t want her to pass away in my house as he thinks is only a matter of time. I don’t want to find her dead one day or have my son find her. I don’t want her dying in this house we are starting our new life in after my divorce from a 20 year marriage. I don’t love or even respect my boyfriends mother, she is the reason why my boyfriend is so lazy and disrespectful at times and I shouldn’t have to pay 35k of my own money for a down payment on a house we share ownership of (he isn’t putting anything down, but is going to make the mortgage payments once we are in) to be forced to care for his mother and support her living with us for what could be 10 more years. He has no idea what could happen and how much care she will need. Her living with us would be like having a permanent house guest that is a stranger to me. We don’t have room for her and she will have to live downstairs and come upstairs for everything she needs. I swear if my boyfriend says we have to give her our master bedroom upstairs because she “deserves the best room in the house” I think I may explode. He lets her have the best room anywhere they go on vacation and would make me sleep on the floor to give her the king bed somewhere instead of letting her sleep in the twin bed so everyone has a bed so I wouldn’t put that past him. He can’t afford to pay to have someone take care of her 24/7, and I know he will eventually use that as an excuse for why I have to take care of her since I dont work full time (which the part time job I have may not last long due to my back injuries). I paid extra to have the third bedroom for my 20yo daughter, who may return home one day and I’ll need to help her (my responsibility) to get back on her feet. His mom could sell her house and live on the 100k proffit for several years without coming straight here, but he’s telling her things like “we’d love to have you here, we’ll have a blast”, not “well if we need to have you live here because of financial issues, you’re more than welcome”….I have told him that her living downstairs and sharing a bathroom with my son and not having anything she owns here and no family or friends and having lived her whole life in one town is ridiculous, she won’t be happy. She won’t see her son more than an hour a day and I am not going to become her sole caregiver and make myself Ill and further injure myself. My daughter won’t even be able to visit if she lives here because there would be nowhere for her to stay. We aren't even married and I think every possible alternative should be exhausted before even mentioning that she move in, but he’s acting like it’s happening and he’s getting her all hyped up thinking she’s coming here to live with us.

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I stopped reading your post when you said that your boyfriend is lazy and disrespectful. Why on God's green earth would you want to "buy" a house with him( even though it sounds like you're spending all your money and not his)and then have to take his mother in if needed, with a man who doesn't respect you?
I think it's you that needs some help here and need to reevaluate what exactly you're doing here. This is not going to get any better you know. You and your children deserve so much better. But I don't think you know that yet. You obviously have had issues in your past that makes you believe that you deserve to be disrespected and have to support a man.
I'm here to tell you that you're doing it all wrong, and I hope after you read more of the responses on here that you will have a "lightbulb" moment, and perhaps even back out of the closing of the house. That is unless it's just for you and your children.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
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MaryKathleen Feb 2022
I agree, why would you go through with escrow? I would bail even if I lost the earnest money.
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I would not put down $35K to close unless BF makes it clear to Mommy, in writing, that she will never live there no matter what.
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You would be wise to NOT put his name on the mortgage.

Sorry, sounds like he is using you and creating a situation where you will be financially dependent on him. Red flags of abuse are frantically waving as I read this.

If you buy this house, this is what your life will be. A lazy, disrespectful male, doing whatever he wants, regardless of how it effects you.

You should run now and let him figure it out with his mommy.
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Cancel the closing.

Break up with the "boyfriend".

These two sound like professional grifters.

Don't be their victim.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
I’ve known him since I was 13, grew up in the same hometown. He’s not a grifter and his mom lives back home, 15 hours away and that’s why he’s so worried about her living alone now with her financial issues. The house was my idea and I had to convince him that I wanted to use my savings for it, he is very against me using my savings but I can’t get a loan without a full time job so he is getting the mortgage and I’m listed as the owner, nothing is shady. I hate wasting money on rent and I wanted a home for me and my kids, not a rental home. I just need ideas about how to make him
understand this isn’t a good knee jerk solution to her problem and that it’s not being disrespectful to her to try and find other ways to fix it without her moving in with us for what could be a long time and he just has no idea what caregiving entails.
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So... your boyfriend came home from seeing his mother, and reported that she is worried about money, and that he is worried about her, and it took off from there, did it?

I hope you feel better for venting (I mean it, I hope you feel better), and I hope he's calmed down a bit too, and perhaps both of you could ask MIL what the situation is and what she wants to do about it.

And if you really can't discuss this issue in a constructive way, the two of you, presenting a supportive but united front to other people you care about - then why are you buying a house together? Maybe you're dodging a bullet.
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I am well aware I deserve better and No man is perfect unfortunately. However I’m venting about the situation and looking for constructive ways to make it clearer to my BF that his mother is going to need care that is more involved than he thinks will be so easy to handle. He seriously thinks she won’t be a problem and I’m being selfish for not wanting to help his mother out. He says he doesn’t expect me to take care of her, I just know when he figures out I’m not over exaggerating about how much work it will be and that he can’t afford the type of care shell need in the future, that he’ll give up (lazy) and just think I can do it because she’s already there and he won’t ask her to go to a nursing facility because he thinks that disrespectful to her. I know she’s not my responsibility and I’ve told him my boundaries and he’s not being mean about it, he’s just saying that he has to take care of her and I should understand that he has that obligation he can’t ignore. But he’s a man and doesn’t think about all the scenarios and details and just thinks he can fix the problem with a quick, move her in solution. I just need to find a way to make him realize it’s not in her or my best interest, she has a way to stay where she’s at in a one level home and have enough money to live on for years. He’s just feeling guilty that she’s scared about money, but it’s her fault and she needs to be told she’ll have to live on a budget and he is a mommas boy and doesn’t want to upset her. He is going to be paying the mortgage payments for our house alone and paying for whatever I can’t afford with my finances, but my point was that we are equal owners and I chose the house we bought for the third bedroom specifically for my daughter, should she need it or
visit and now that won’t be what it’s used for and I should have an equal say in who lives in our house. I couldn’t qualify for a loan by myself, and he couldn’t make a large down payment but could easily get a loan because he has a great job. It’s an equal financial deal and he treats it as such, he just thinks he has no choice but to move her in with us. He’s the only child or family she has so he feels extremely guilty. I have laid out my boundaries and I will stick to them, I just don’t think he realizes that I won’t back down or give in when it affects my health or my children. I only feel He’s disrespectful in the sense that he thinks his mom has the RIGHT to live here, he’s not taking into account that it’s my home too and just because he has obligations and responsibilities to her, that doesn’t mean I do. I think it’s disrespectful that he thought it was a GIVEN that she would move in, not to ask what I thought about it first. Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he was shocked at her news about her financial mess and he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her, not even the moving in specifically, just in general. He wanted me to know we might be strapped for cash if he needed to help her out was his point.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
As long as you don't marry him you can force a sale on a home that has both your names on the deed any day you want to. So tell hubby that the day his Mom comes to stay is the day that he has sold his house. How about that for a good threat????
Of course your daughter is on HER own also, and just as well. We own a two flat and live in the upper. Our agreement before buying is that NO FAMILY or FRIENDS EVER live downstairs. Has worked for 34 years really really well.
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Whatever it will cost you to cancel the sale contract is will be far less than the cost to your health and well being if his mother moves in,

He is not the man for you. He is looking for you to bankroll a house for him and his Mum and to be her full time caregiver. Run while you still can.

Edited:

I just read your reply that was posted when I first made my post.

I really truly hope you consider getting therapy asap. I hear echoes in your words of things I woudl have said years ago, when I thought I had firm boundaries, but in reality was bring gas lighted.

Your boyfriend is not going to "hear" what you have to say about the amount of work and level of care his mother will need in the future. He just does not want to hear it.

Your last line:

"Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand, he just meant that if she needed anything he would have to do whatever she needed to take care of her." He needs to sit down right now and think about how HE is going to provide care, especially as SHE will not be in YOUR house.
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I have been married and divorced. I really cannot see why you would go in on a house with a man you have described. Your BF is looking at this house as his because he will be paying the mortgage. You don't even come into the picture if he feels he can tell Mom she can move in without consulting you. This will never be your house.

I think you know the answer or you wouldn't have posted. Back out now. Do not put any money down and if you have to, pay the penalty for backing out. Then re-evaluate your relationship. What I see is you ending up paying the rent and all Mom's needs. Me, I would be finding a place of my own. You are going from the fire into the frying pan. You deserve much more than this man is willing to give. No matter what you say to him, you will become Moms caregiver.
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Time to have a talk with boyfriend and tell him his mother will not be living in the house. Ever. Get it in writing also. Sounds like you have communucation issues because instead of telling in no his mother can't move in you just mentioned reasons why you can't care for her. All of which he blew off. Don't close on the house until this is resolved and don't put his name on the house. Not sure why you were the only one putting money into the house down payment. Is he that bad with money that he had nothing saved to put down on it? Just so many red flags with this whole thing.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
I agree. I would tell him that the day SHE comes in is the day that the OP will FORCE A SALE on the house and leave with her portion of the sale. Anyone on the deed (as long as she doesn't make the mistake of marrying him) can force a sale on a co-owned house. So the day she comes in is the day EVERYONE loses the home. That should do it I would think.
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The problem is, he isn't willing to listen to you.

He has made it clear that he WILL do whatever he feels he needs to and it doesn't matter what you say, do or feel. This is from your own words here. You are not hearing him and you will pay the price for thinking you can change his declared stance.

Quite frankly I could never understand why any self respecting woman would marry a mommy's boy. Personally, I wanted and got a real man.
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You were responding the same time I was.

There are many posts on this forum where a OP moved a parent in and when the caring got too much, they couldn't get the patent out. One reason, the parent wouldn't go.

Tell him that he is not responsible to physically care for his Mom. If he is working and needs to work for more years, he should not even consider her moving in. If she is afraid of not having enough money, then maybe your BF should take over her finances. He budgets her money. Get rid of credit cards. At 84 she shouldn't need much. My Mom chose not to have credit cards. If she couldn't with pay cash, she didn't get it. Get her a card where so much is put on it a month and when its gone its gone. Keep her in her house as long as possible. When she needs help, you go from there. He can care for Mom without her living with you.
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That is an unfair decision. It needs to be a full discussion between all involved. We had the same issue with a reverse mortgage. My advice, don't do it. It is a full time job.
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Don’t.
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Don't close on the house together! Remove yourself ASAP from the purchase process, call the realtor or closing company and also make clear in writing that you are no longer a purchaser and will not be proceeding with him. Your boyfriend needs a wakeup call that you are serious and you will not change your mind. He may be telling himself the rosy picture but he doesn't have your experience. If you proceed and marry him and things go the way you expect, a divorce will be far more destructive to your life than breaking up with him now.
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You are going to sign on to a mortgage that only you are putting money down on in the "hopes" that he will pay the monthly?

Your signature, YOUR debt.

Do you understand the obligation you are taking on by taking out this mortgage? Unless you can make the payments ON YOUR OWN, do not take it out.

Do you live in a community property state?

Do you have a lawyer advising you who has YOUR best interests at heart?
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Reading through again about the 'making me sleep on the floor' etc, I would even more strongly say: Run. This is an abusive relationship that will continue to harm you.
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Countrymouse Feb 2022
The OP wrote her original post in the heat of the moment. The boyfriend has not actually "made her sleep on the floor," she goes on to say only that she wouldn't put it past him, because he doesn't like to make his mother uncomfortable in any way and (as so often happens) can be rather blinkered about it.
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"He wanted me to know we might be strapped for cash if he needed to help her out was his point".

Meaning that he won't be able to pay the mortgage.

Run. Away. Now.

He might "just" be a Mama's Boy.

Or they might be professionals at doing this. I'm serious. Duping nice women into signing onto mortgages.
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Notaslave, when exactly did Boyfriend receive this news about his mother's financial anxieties? And what exactly has she said to you (i.e. that you know first hand) about what she wants to do next?

Blended families are tricky at the best of times and in the best of circumstances. How old is your son?
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
His mother called last week and wanted him to look into something for her because she didnt understand why she couldn’t borrow more against her house again (she did a reverse mortgage 4-5 years ago). He figured out she’d spent all of the 100k she’d gotten and that was more than the 60% of the home value, so she can’t borrow more against the house now. Now she only has her SS and Pension to live off of. She still owns her house and could sell it and have around 100k Profitt, along with her ss and pension every month. She is just scared and playing on his guilt because she doesn’t want to sell her house and all her things and move into a smaller more manageable place in her home town. But she would have to do that if she was going to be living with us anyway so my problem is why ask her to live with us when she could sell her large cluttered, unsafe home and have enough money to live somewhere more suited to her needs if she just managed her money better. He feels guilty because she acts all helpless and milks it for all its worth. He sits abs talks to her on the phone in front of me every other night this past week and a half. She makes comments about how she’d love to live here near him and see her grandkids more often. His kids live 10 hours from here and he drives to see them every month or so but they have only come here for a visit 1 time in the past 3 years, so she won’t see them more here, I think she just thinks hell take her with him when goes to see them if she already lives here. He says he’d obviously rather her live alone but he thinks it would be cheaper for her to be with us instead of him paying for her to live alone if she runs out of money. I think he’s just jumping the gun in suggesting it because she has a way to afford living alone if she’d sell her house. When I say mommas boy I mean he won’t talk to her like an adult and tell her she needs to do things differently and that he’d like to help but living with us is not in anyones best interest. He won’t have adult conversations with her that she needs, he just does whatever she guilts him into. Mind you I have never slept on the floor for her, that was just an example of how he puts her on a pedestal in my eyes. Everyone could have had there own beds when we went on vacation but because he thought she should have the master bedroom instead of a twin bed in a separate bedroom all to herself, his son who is 6ft. Tall, has to sleep on a short hard couch for the week. We slept in separate rooms on twin beds. And to top it off the room he gave her was on the second floor where she almost fell twice going up the stairs on the first day. She wanted to visit us a couple
months ago and I told him I’d fix up my sons bedroom upstairs for her that has its own bathroom and he thought I was being rude abs disrespectful because he thought we should give her OUR bedroom because it was the “best” in the house and I’ve never heard of putting your mother or father in the couples bedroom, it’s awkward abs gross to ask them to stay in your personal space
ans bed I think. Not to mention I would have had to move everything I own out of the bedroom for me to feel comfortable having her in my personal space. I was raised that guests stay in the guest room or a child’s room and you make the room look as impersonal as possible, like a hotel/spa room for when they stay so they don’t feel like they have put you out or feel uncomfortable being in you personal space. I just think he was raised differently with different values and ideas about how to respect your elders than I was and he feel like I’m the one being selfish saying I don’t want her to stay in my bedroom when she visits or live in my house. I’ve told him I understand if it was an emergency and there were no other options, but that I would be very uncomfortable with having her here for what could be years and if she needed increasing care I wouldn’t be able to take care of her.
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A deal breaker.
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I was in a similar situation many years ago. I ended up getting out (later), but at a significant cost to my finances and mental health. Cancel the closing and let him find a way to take care of his mother. This is a lose/lose situation for you.
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I'm not sure what sort of advice you're looking for? You say your b/f is lazy and disrespectful, that he wants to move his mother into this house b/c it will be a 'blast', that he will be strapped for cash if does, however, which will leave YOU in a bind to pay the mortgage. But when you're given advice to leave him b/c the whole thing sounds like either a scam or a bad situation for YOU and your children, you jump to his defense, saying you are 'just looking for constructive ways to make it clearer to my BF that his mother is going to need care that is more involved than he thinks will be so easy to handle.' You can't do that, obviously. Your b/f wants his mother to move into this house REGARDLESS of how much care she is going to need, regardless of how much extra money it's going to cost to have her there, regardless of how 'strapped for cash' he's going to be as a result, and regardless of the fact that YOU are obviously against it, and that YOU will be the one to do the caretaking since you only work part time and he works full time. That about sums up the situation.

How you can 'convince' him of your position on this matter is to refuse to sign on the dotted line for this mortgage. In my opinion, that would be the only way to make him understand your position here.

Otherwise, you will likely move into this house, be responsible for the lions share of the mortgage, the care & management of the mother AND the upkeep of the house due to the b/f's laziness, have no room for your daughter when she comes to visit, and find yourself in an untenable position you won't know how to get OUT of.

Your best bet, imo, is not to get INTO such a position to begin with. Which is what everyone else is telling you but not what you want to hear. When a man puts his mother first, the wife or the g/f comes second, and I have no idea how you can change that mindset. Perhaps couples therapy would give you some good ideas that we are missing the mark on.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
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This sounds like a disaster movie more than a question.
I would not close on this house.
I understand there would be a financial penalty for not closing,and since it is your money, it will be your penalty, but better 10,000 flushed away than 34,000.
I would pay the penalty and I would move on. ALONE. Get a job. Raise my children. Buy a small mobile home in a nice trailer park almost free and clear and live a good life.
I think that you already knew, from what you have said, who your boyfriend is, and it is terrible decision making to have bought a home with him. I hope that you are BOTH on the deed if this goes through. I hope that you will then force the sale of this home when the Mother moves in. Legally you can do that, either party to the deed can do so. I hope meanwhile you will keep your finances separate and begin to save for what I am certain is coming, a move out.
I would not argue this issue.
I would tell him that his mother moving in would be a deal breaker. I would leave at once. I would not argue the issue.
You describe your boyfriend as lazy (10-12 hour shifts???), disrespectful, and a mommy's boy. Why you bought a home with him is to me absolutely beyond my comprehension or ability to guess.

Each of us can tell you what WE would do; what you do is entirely your own decision and we only wish the very best for you going forward.
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gladimhere Feb 2022
The large majority of the time when a contract is broken the buyer does get a deposit back. To get it back requires attorneys and court orders, etc. Nobody wants to go through that.
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There are all sorts of points that make me look over my glasses. It's the OP's capital, securing a mortgage for the boyfriend - ??? He has a fabulously well paid job but no savings for a deposit - so how much job security? And what outgoings, such that he hasn't been able to save? And they ain't married. And the only reason for the rush is that the OP hates wasting money on rent (which I do agree with, of course, but there are advantages, such as not being sewn into a financial commitment before you're ready to make it).

But the "he's a tyrannical monster forcing me to sleep on the floor and provide 24/7 care for my overweight (non-)MIL who is a financially irresponsible whinge-bag and idiot" polemic is the kind of hyperbole people are driven to when they have just had a full-blown plates-throwing row.

See also the Pallisers, fictional husband and wife, whose argument about constitutional integrity in a democracy escalates into his declaring that he will order shoes without number from a certain shoemaker in their town and her vowing to ruin the same shoemaker and drive him out of business forever. Neither is silly or cruel, so neither would do either thing.

In this real-life instance, there are serious questions to be asked in a considered manner about how best to support MIL's wellbeing and security at such a distance (or indeed whether it's best for her to stay at such a distance), especially in the light of recent information. The OP does not *really* fail to respect her boyfriend's mother, the boyfriend is not *really* going to move mother in over the OP's dead body. But there are several doubtful factors which I suspect neither the OP nor the boyfriend have thought through about their future together, and I hope it isn't wishful thinking that's driving them both on.

And I still want to know what MIL says about it.
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I read through both your posts a few times. There are several red flags for consideration. You said "Once I voiced my concerns he apologized and said he didn’t think he was making it a demand" - well, he IS making a demand that has strings attached - his apology is empty since he turns around and says he doesn't thing he was making a demand. That is like an abuser who physically hits his partner, apologizes and says 'sorry'...yet keeps doing it over and over again.

Your boyfriend has shown you quite clearly he is not willing to openly and honestly talk about this situation - it is his way or no way... your needs, fears, considerations and your daughter are not part of this whole situation - which, is an indication that if this is the way it is prior then this is how it will be later. You have an responsibility for your daughter - not his mother. That is HIS responsibility - not yours. Even if you were to move in together or get married - ultimately, it is his - physically and financially.

Have him provide you with exactly 'how' he is planning to take care of his mother when he works full time. And what and how he expects you to do and take care of. But know that what is said today can easily change tomorrow. And if you are working, who will be home with his mother to take care of her? If you are already strapped for cash with the house purchase, how are you going to afford the outside caretakers to take care of his mother when no one is home except her?

Another question I have is why are you purchasing a house when you cannot truly afford it on your own? What if he leaves you and you are left with the house, the payments, the property taxes and insurance and all the maintenance? Or what if you want to leave him, but can't since you are now literally tied to a house together?

After living on this Earth for nearly 7 decades, married numerous times, seeing so much in life - both good and bad - I would highly caution you to review why you are making such a large purchase at this time with a relationship that has many unresolved and unsettling issues. You may have known this person since you were a teen, but who we are as a teenager is not who we are as we grow and experience life.

You have to approach this fully knowing that you are not going to 'make' him see anything that he doesn't want to see or keep an open mind and attitude about. That has never worked for anyone.
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Is there a way to get out of closing on the house without losing your $35,000? This doesn't sound like a great idea for you. If at all avoidable do not make this move. The house is clearly not suited to your needs, though it may have been when you first saw it. Please don't set yourself up for a lifetime of anger, angst, and aggravation.
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”I am well aware I deserve better and No man is perfect unfortunately.”

Oh, hon. This is sad. You KNOW you deserve better, but you’re shrugging it off with “oh well, nobody’s perfect”. It sounds like you’re just taking what you can get. Why? What’s keeping you there?

Prior to meeting my husband, I was with guys who I stuck with just because they were there. I settled for less because it seemed better than being alone. So what if these guys ignored what I wanted, or didn’t make me priority, and barely told me they loved me? Hey, nobody’s perfect!
Besides, it’s too scary to start over.

Yeah. I let myself be used and emotionally abused for years. All it got me was a broken heart, broken spirit and feeling 10x worse about myself. And thankful I never moved in with or invested any real money in them.

I realized my husband was a keeper because he listened to me and didn’t put anyone, including his Mom, over me.

It sounds like you’re going to close on the house and do as he wants. I hope you truly act on knowing you deserve better. This sounds like a crossroads in your relationship, and hopefully you’ll choose the best path for you.
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Lots of responses in just a few hours!

Please heed what the commenters have said.

You know deep down what you should do. Do it.

Keep us updated.
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NotaSlave;

I want you to watch a movie this weekend. Moonstruck, with Cher and Nicholas Cage.

Take it very seriously.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
In my top 5 movies!
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You are going to gift this man 35K for a down payment, then put yourself in a situation that you depend on him to pay the mortgage?! Really? And then a strong possibility of mommy moving in? Then you are stuck to accept the inevitable, if you want the mortgage paid.

Have you at least run this arrangement by an attorney?

Mom's 100K profit from selling her home? She won't have 100K, that reverse mortgage will have to be paid off out of any proceeds.

Run, run as fast as you can.
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NotaslavetoMIL Feb 2022
She would have 100k after she sold the house and paid off the reverse mortgage. But I don’t want that money put towards my house like someone suggested, then she’d be part owner,and in my home, and thinking she’s paid for her care, that’s exactly what I don’t want. But the 100k is enough to sustain her without her moving into my house for quite a while if my BF would have a talk with her about her finances but he won’t push the subject because he thinks that is being disrespectful to her to tell her how to spend her money. My point is that if she is expecting him to bail her out of her mess and let her live with us he has every right to tell her she needs to work out a budget so she doesn’t need to ask him for money or a place to stay in the future.
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Just adding my vote that you should back out now if you still can. The only reason you ever need to give to him (or anyone) as to why you don't want to be a caregiver is: because you don't want to. "No" is a sufficient answer. And it IS a red flag that he didn't feel the need to discuss it with you first. This is a relationship problem but I'm not going to get into that. You can still have a relationship with him without being financially dependent on him, but best not to be the "assumed" caregiver and inextricably financially trapped in this arrangement.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2022
It hasn't closed. They can back out. Any earnest money will be lost, and WELL lost to avoid this disaster I would think.
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