My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. When I first met him he was much more available. As time progressed his mother's serious health issues have taken over. He still lives at home and cares for his mother who is mentally unstable and very selfish and needy. He has an older sister who moved out before their mother's health issues got serious. She is now married and starting a life with her husband in a new city and is not involved in caring for their mother.
Whenever I try to tell him that he deserves that life too, he feels to guilty to leave his dad to deal with his mom.
The future conversation has come up several times with my boyfriend and I and he has said that he will never leave his parents. Eventually his mom will pass but he feels too guilty to leave his father. I always remind him that people have children to be able to go have their own lives and that it is not fair to let his parents consume his whole life. He has mentioned wanting to live with his father in the future and this is not something that I am open to. I have told him this and said that if we want different things in life, it's better to realize that sooner than later, then he finally agrees that yes one day he wants to live with me. I know he really does but I also know when the time comes he will never want to leave his father.
He also cared for his elderly Aunt regularly. Between his mom and his aunt, living at home and being treated like a child, having his whole schedule controlled by someone else, I just don't feel like there is any room for me.
I have been unhappy in the relationship and tried to talk to him about it, but it just overwhelms him. I try to tell him my expectations and instead of listening he gets mad at me and says that it's never enough for me. He is so consumed with other demands that he has no space left to think about me. I just want him to understand how I feel and put in more effort to make me feel loved in the time we do have together, but he just doesn't get it.
It's been increasingly challenging for me to understand what he is going through. I don't want to be insensitive but he won't make a change and I am not happy. I love him so much but his friends are also awful so it is hard for me to want to hang out with them. I don't mind once in a while but I tried to set up a date night and a separate guys night and this upsets him saying that I won't even try to like his friends and what did they ever do to me? In general he is pretty bad at time management and I know me not enjoying accompanying him on guy's nights makes it harder for him to fit in friends and me in free time but I just feel like if he loved me he would crave time alone with me and make more of an effort to somewhere find time in his busy schedule.
You know typing this out and thinking about it all signs point to the obvious- breakup. But as Im sure many of you can understand, I love this person. I want to be with him but even if I am not with him, it hurts me to know that he cannot grow up and have his own life. Between his controlling needy family and his immature friends who are nothing but a bad influence I always feel like I come in last priority. Of course he doesn't just ditch me for his friends all the time, not at all. But when he sees his friends it's like so much excitement and happiness it brings to him and when he sees me, I now he loves me but he is not expressive about it. It leaves me feeling like Im just stuck out alone in the cold and the worst part is he doesn't understand how I could feel this way about any of this. I try to explain it to him and it just always ends up in a fight. I just want it to be easy. I want him to get me.
To make matters more difficult his grandfather just passed away. This is the first close death that he has experienced and is hitting him hard. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and sensitive to him but I just feel like I try so hard to keep the relationship good and be there for him and he is too consumed to make an effort for me and understanding how I feel and caring about my needs.