My boyfriend is a caregiver for his mother. We are having relationship problems, and unable to move forward.
I have been dating my boyfriend a year and 3 months. I'm 46, he's 47. We both live in NYC and have full time jobs and busy lives. He lives with his mother. His father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then he has been taking care of her. She's in her mid-60s, diabetic, sciatic, depressed, and is in a fragile mental state. She was one of those women who was 100% reliant on her husband, and now relies on her son to take care of her. When we first started dating seriously last year, I was hesitant to get into a committed relationship with my boyfriend because I was concerned he did not have enough time to dedicate to a real partnership. Not only is a he a caretaker for his mom, he works full time, has an independent music label, and has a teenage son from a previous marriage. He convinced me that he was committed to being with me, so I decided to give it a try. He even said that he had thought about our future, and that if things worked out, he'd consider moving in with me. Things went well for the first year or so. We got closer. He did a few things to make his mother more independent, like getting her to take handidart to church, so that we'd have more time on the weekends together. We went on a two vacation to Europe in the summer. We have a wonderful love and friendship, and I believe the relationship has true potential. Throughout this period, I have frequently felt that my boyfriend does not make enough time to spend with me. I often feel that I am not enough of a priority. It is so hard to find time together, and he cancels and changes plans with me frequently. Recently, his mother stopped taking her medication and became so weak he had to take her to the ER. He learned that she did this to try and commit suicide. He changed his mind about moving in with me, and now he says he must live with her. His siblings do not live in the same city, so they cannot help. He cannot afford to hire care or put her in a home. We have also been arguing a lot. We only see each other twice a week, and he changes plans frequently which is hurtful. Our relationship is not progressing, and I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm ready to be in a more committed relationship with someone and I'd like to move forward. I spent my earlier years being very career focused and travelling, and now I really want to be in a relationship. Do I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't have time for me, has no plans to live with me right now, and needs to be with his mother? I don't actually believe she needs full time care but he believes she does. What solutions exist? I would really appreciate some advice.