I have been dating my boyfriend a year and 3 months. I'm 46, he's 47. We both live in NYC and have full time jobs and busy lives. He lives with his mother. His father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then he has been taking care of her. She's in her mid-60s, diabetic, sciatic, depressed, and is in a fragile mental state. She was one of those women who was 100% reliant on her husband, and now relies on her son to take care of her. When we first started dating seriously last year, I was hesitant to get into a committed relationship with my boyfriend because I was concerned he did not have enough time to dedicate to a real partnership. Not only is a he a caretaker for his mom, he works full time, has an independent music label, and has a teenage son from a previous marriage. He convinced me that he was committed to being with me, so I decided to give it a try. He even said that he had thought about our future, and that if things worked out, he'd consider moving in with me. Things went well for the first year or so. We got closer. He did a few things to make his mother more independent, like getting her to take handidart to church, so that we'd have more time on the weekends together. We went on a two vacation to Europe in the summer. We have a wonderful love and friendship, and I believe the relationship has true potential. Throughout this period, I have frequently felt that my boyfriend does not make enough time to spend with me. I often feel that I am not enough of a priority. It is so hard to find time together, and he cancels and changes plans with me frequently. Recently, his mother stopped taking her medication and became so weak he had to take her to the ER. He learned that she did this to try and commit suicide. He changed his mind about moving in with me, and now he says he must live with her. His siblings do not live in the same city, so they cannot help. He cannot afford to hire care or put her in a home. We have also been arguing a lot. We only see each other twice a week, and he changes plans frequently which is hurtful. Our relationship is not progressing, and I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm ready to be in a more committed relationship with someone and I'd like to move forward. I spent my earlier years being very career focused and travelling, and now I really want to be in a relationship. Do I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't have time for me, has no plans to live with me right now, and needs to be with his mother? I don't actually believe she needs full time care but he believes she does. What solutions exist? I would really appreciate some advice.
The first thing that comes into my head is that I had no idea how much physical, mental, and emotional energy staying with her would suck out of me. It's wayyyy different being with her in the same home than it was before I started staying here. I am often very overwhelmed, frustrated, ill-tempered, and resentful. I have barely enough energy left to socialize with friends a couple of times a week; I force myself to do it because I'd lose my mind without my supportive family of friends. I definitely do NOT have the energy for a relationship.
Which kind of makes the second thing pop into my head: it's possible that your BF has called off moving in together as a kindness to you. Might even be subconscious, but I bet he's thought about it. Caregiving an elder parent is a huge job, and it would be a huge burden to bring someone else into. If she's only in her 60s, he may be looking at 20+ years of providing care, especially if he can't afford a care facility. Personally, I have lost all interest in dating and relationships since I started caregiving, since there is no way I would put a partner in this position alongside me. Especially if that partner had already expressed doubts about how I've chosen to provide care.
I think suicide attempts are often a cry for help, not just attention-seeking. Depression is insidious, especially when coupled with physical pain. And whatever else is going on, Mom has cried out, and Son has answered the call. If you are in any way ambivalent about joining him in facing this task, in being a true partner in this new turn his journey has taken, then I just don't think it's the right relationship for you or him.
I'm not saying you're wrong or bad if you don't want to do it! It's perfectly reasonable to want your relationship to be the priority in both of your lives. If you truly think he's the one, then go to him and tell him you will do this with him, that you will be his partner in this and work through it together. That's what real commitment means to me, that's what "for better or worse" means to me. I mean, I'd probably cry with joy and relief if somebody I wanted to be with came to me and said that. But if you can't say it, then it's probably time to think about letting go.
His mother, who genuinely needs help but perhaps not to the degree she is insisting on, is in her mid 60s. Are you prepared to be second in importance to her for the next 20 to 30 years?
Good idea to research what might be available in NYC to help his mother. But if he does not make genuine progress in getting extricated from her control now, I think you ought to look elsewhere for the kind of relationship you want at this point in your life.
This experience hasn't been a waste of time. You had some good times, a nice European vacation. You've learned a lot more about what is important to you. Chalk it up to a nice friends-with-benefits situation, and move on.
My boyfriend lived with a girlfriend (before that, he was married. I've lived alone many times, but he never has). When he and his girlfriend broke up, he moved in to his parents' house "temporarily", but a few months after, his father had a stroke and passed away. His mother is very manipulative, and afraid to be alone. He is often highly frustrated, which I think just means less patience for our relationship. I'm getting tired of being #2 all the time.
I will consider looking into what resources there may be in NYC. Thank you.
The one piece of (perhaps) useful info I may offer is that NYC has a strong network of help available. Check in with the city department of aging and research what help his Mom may be eligible for. He is probably so frazzled he can't even think straight. So this is a useful contribution you can offer. Perhaps that will free up some time for you to be together.
The search bar is found by clicking on the three short verticle lines next to AgingCare.com blue header.