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My 98 year old aunt, who lives with my 96 year old father, constantly interferes with my dad's care. I should mention that she is there because she no longer wanted to live alone and has no children. Whether it is hospice (current) or Medicare care assitance after his hospital/rehab stay. She has sent caregivers away if she felt they are of no use. Sent social workers (part of the post-rehab Medicare care plan) away because "they do nothing". If they are not doctors, my aunt has no use for them. Even if they are doctors, she grills them about their education and sometimes rejects them as well. She does this with her own care too. It's the way she is. I've been borderline concerned about this, but she seemed to stay within "safe-ish" bounds. I have mentioned my concern to his hospice caseworker, who prefers to work around difficult personalities and not get directly involved with the dynamics. Which was fine. But recently, he was put on predisone for gout (a new health issue that is really affecting him badly). He has mutliple health problems - diabetes being difficult lately as he cannot get his blood sugar stable. He started the course of high dose prednisone and did not feel well. My aunt took it upon herself to tell him to stop taking them! I know that it is dangerous to suddenly stop or to stop too quickly with steriods. I spoke to her of my concern that only a doctor should be advising him and her justification was that "he felt better" after stopping. Yeah, but what about his gout?? The means do not justify the ends. It should be a doctor who is called if there is a problem with his medication I told her. My question is what should I do about her interference with my dad's care? This interference is chronic and seems to be part of her difficult personality. I mean interfering with his medications seems almost APS worthy. Also, she has an honorary doctorate and my uneducated dad thinks this means she is a medical doctor. I tried to explain the difference but he wouldn't listen to me.

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He has to live with the consequences of his actions. Do not swoop in and save the day when it all falls apart. Point out to him that he made these choices based on what his sister suggested and that you are not going to fix things if he is going to let her undo everything again.
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You are between a rock and a hard place. If Dad is competent to make his own decisions, you have to let him. If he is on Hospice, he is going to die. When is not known. So you can enjoy what time he has left, you are going to need to let this go for now. You can't control him or her. Its a sibling dynamic and she is the older.

He is not on Hospice to keep him alive, he is on Hospice so he can live his final days in comfort. If he chooses not to take the medication for that comfort, thats on him.

Your Aunt, when Dad passes and his funeral is over you then make her POAs aware that she will not be allowed to remain in the home. That they will need to find a place for her. Give them a timeline when they needs to be. Don't promise your Dad you will see that she is cared for. You explain to him that she has POAs and they will handle that.
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jolobo May 2022
Thank you. That is a good answer. My husband has said the same to me. And as long as he knows what the consequences of his actions are, I'm okay with that. But he doesn't know. And that's the problem for me. I don't know....but I get tired of all this crap. It's so discouraging.
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I had a similar situation with an aunt who didn’t live with my dad but knew everything about how to make him well. If we’d put him on such and such a diet, it would cure his cancer. He didn’t really have dementia, we just weren’t entertaining him enough. She was sure I’d forced him into hospice which wasn’t even possible, he and his doctor decided when it was time. She refused to believe he was dying. She was 90 and he was 94. I tried to be understanding of her grief but she was impossible. He died. Then she sued me twice because any nut case can bring suit. The judge very kindly to my aunt because of her age, kicked the suits out of court, thank goodness, because there was no basis. All this was enervating in the middle of our grief and I no longer speak to that aunt. My advice after all this is to get your aunt out of this NOW. Firmly and with whatever agencies can back you up. With family to take your side. She needs to live apart from dad and have nothing to do with his care. He is the important one here, not her.
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jolobo May 2022
She is the matriarch of the family. Everyone worships her. There will be no family backing me up. That will not be possible. And he wants her there. It's his choice, not mine.
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I find too much missing here to come to a conclusion.
You say your father is in hospice?
Who is POA?
Who is giving Dad's medications?
Why are people listening to a century old woman about whether people should be leaving (caregivers and social workers).
Basically, who is in charge where Dad is?
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jolobo May 2022
He's in hospice at home. I and my sisters are POA. He gives his medications to himself. She tells dad to tell them not to return. My dad is in charge of himself although hospice communicates with me. He is stubborn and being in charge of him is like being in charge of I don't know, a forest fire, I guess. There is no talking to him.
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Will you put a child as the manager of your father's treatment program? Well, it's almost the same thing. You know what to do. There is no need for me to tell you how to proceed.
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jolobo May 2022
No I don't know what to do! What should I do?? I can't kick her out. My dad is in charge of that - his house
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I am not beyond a little threat. Tell her if she does not stop interfering with Dads care, she will need to live someplace else.

Have you made Dad's Caregivers aware that Aunt is not in charge of Dads care? She is his roommate only. She does not have the power to let people go.
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PeggySue2020 May 2022
I love the Saying about I’m not above a threat.

Inalso love the BurntCaregiver saying that no one cares what she thinks.

If she keeps being medically hazardous to your dad, she’ll find her butt on the street where no one will care that she didn’t have children to care. I hope if dad predeceases her that you’ll decline to do for her.
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