I do not know if I should tell her that he passed away while she was ill and still don't know if it's a good idea at all as she is also going through some depression and unfounded guilt issues with her children. He is the first one of her sons to pass away and I'm afraid she would not take it too well since she thinks of us adult children as little kids. However, he did used to call her every morning to say good morning and check on her so she started noticing recently that she has not heard from him and daily ask to call him. Since I am her main caregiver my siblings leave the decision up to me. I feel terrible to lie to her but I also don't want to see her more depressed or dementia progress more rapidly or possibly have a heart attack! What do you suggest? Morally what would be the right thing to do?
Its a hard decision. I may ask a nurse that has been primary in her care. Like said, you tell her once, let her grieve and don't tell her again.
If she continues to ask then use any of the dozens of "excuses"
He is away right now
He went to the store
He has a doctors appointment
And so on.
All that said, I think if it were me in your shoes (which is all I can speak to), I'd tell my mother her son died. She wants to know why he's not calling her every morning as usual, so there's that question to answer every day. You're going to run out of excuses as to where he is after a while. I think mom deserves to know what happened, and to be able to grieve this loss in her own heart.
If, however, you choose not to tell her, I don't think that's a horrible decision either. There's no right or wrong here, really, b/c who really knows HOW your mom is going to react??? At 97, with health issues in force, it's tricky. I'm sure you will get advice both ways here, so it's up to you which way you take this.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your brother. I hope your mom recovers and if you tell her this news, that it doesn't cause her to have a big setback. Wishing you all the best of luck.