It's been four years now since we moved my now 85-year-old mother in with us. Thankfully she is still fairly mobile and shows no signs of dementia or anything like that. The difficulties with my mother have more to do with her very ingrained habit of denying reality and her unwillingness or inability to respect my home and how I want things to be.
This has been coming to a particular head as of late because of her pets. She has a small dog and a cat, both over 10 years old, who are becoming more of a headache each day. My mom's dog is a nightmare who would rather urinate on the couch than step on wet grass to go. After a recent bout with a bladder infection, we agreed that he would wear diapers in the house so as to avoid this kind of behavior. However, after a few weeks, my mom has grown tired of it and insists "he's fine now." So, she's lax with the diapers and, big surprise, today I come home for lunch and he's relieved himself all over the couch again. There is no other animal in the house who does this, yet she insists it couldn't have been him. Her sense of denial has been a problem throughout her life; this is just an extension of it. But now it affects me directly.
I plan to discuss all this with her this evening, but I feel like a jerk because I'm basically at the point of telling her that either her dog needs to go because she can't care for him, or she needs to go somewhere else. I don't think the latter is even possible at this stage, and the former is sure to start a fight and a ton of resentment. I've given my feelings a lot of thought and what it boils down to is that I often feel disrespected by her. That my wife and I have opened our home to her, given her a beautiful place to live, a relationship with her grandson, and all that I ask in return is for her to clean up after herself, make sure her dog goes outside and not on the couch, etc. It feels like these things aren't important enough to her to do. If she was anyone other than my elderly mother, I would have kicked her out long ago.
Any advice on how to approach this would be much appreciated. My brother tells me I shouldn't be so accommodating and basically tell her she needs to get rid of the dog. To take a "this is my house and this is how it's going to be" approach. I really don't like to put things like that but I'm starting to feel like he's right.
It is a royal pain.
You do have the right to tell Mum diapers on the dog or no dog.
I would take the dog to the vet. Does he drink a lot? If so, he may have diabetes. That would mean shots every few hours. While there, ask if there is a no kill shelter or someone who would foster the dog with u paying for food and Vet bills. Or, if someone would take an older dog.
My husband loved his Mom but if her dog was ruining our furniture the dog would have to go. I would also have Mom pay for a new sofa.
This sounds like I am punishing the dog but this would be more like “retraining” both mom and dog
Another option to give to mom would be to help her find an apartment in a senior building that is pet friendly. My guess is no Assisted Living Facility would welcome an untrained dog
As for the sofa, one can order blue sheets that are used in hospital for humans. They actually cost less per sheet then the doggy blue sheets. Only difference is that the doggy sheets has a nice flowery type smell to them. Put the blue sheets on the sofa.
Occasionally, I would dog sit for her when she needed me to.
As he aged he lost control of his bladder too. At first we suspected that he had diabetes but when my daughter took him to the vet she was told that he had Cushing’s disease.
I put diapers on him. Must be a thing with wet grass because neither of the two dogs I had liked wet grass, nor did my daughter’s dog.
It would be extremely hard for your mom to surrender her beloved pet at this stage but I truly understand your frustration too.
I have never had an animal pee on my sofa. They went on the floor and I was so afraid that my mom would slip and fall. I did slip and fall on the ceramic tile when my daughter’s dog would pee in my kitchen.
In my opinion, diapers are the only way to go. The dog has lost control of his bladder.
Good luck in getting mom to cooperate!
Your couch. Very hard to get the smell out once its in the cushions. Cat is the worst. There are slip covers you just throw in that all dog/cat friendly. Just throw them in the wash. I have one I am sitting on right now. It was put on there to protect my couch from grandson.
I hope lots of people comment with advice on this one. I can’t stand my grandma’s dogs and can’t bare to take them away.
Start with discussion your spouse. Together decide what are the expectations that every member in the household must uphold. Together decide what are the consequences of not meeting those expectations. These expectations and consequences are for EVERY member in the household.
Then, write up those expectations and have a discussion with your child(ren).. Get his/her/their input and modify the expectations as you - the adults - agree with reasonable modifications. Make sure each child gets a copy of your agreements.
Lastly, have a discussion with your mom. Explain your expectations and the reasons for them. Get her input and her reasons for any modifications. Modify the expectations and/or consequences that you have agreed upon. Make sure she gets a copy and post a copy someplace prominent - like the refrigerator door.
Please consider a 3 strike rule for infractions of expectations over the first month. 1st strike is a "reminder of what the expectation is", 2nd strike is a "reminder of consequence when expectation is not met." 3rd strike is that the consequence must be imposed since you have already given 2 reminders about expectations.
I had a similar issue with my mother 77 year old who lived with me for six months. She was supposed to be with us "for only a couple of months" while she looked for a new place. I gave her a bedroom and bonus room for her use. She "expanded" into a bathroom and our patio. I put my foot down and said she needed to curtail her stuff to the areas I had originally given to her for her use. She went to visit my sister for a long vacation and we came up with house rules in her absence. When I presented her with "the house rules," she was all of a sudden very motivated to find a "new home." We had her settled into a condo in 2 months where she could live according to her own dictates. I visit her weekly and so fare she is doing OK.
Sounds like you've been around the block already about this issue, several times even. She's denied her dog was responsible for the last incident. I don't see her listening to anything you say and if she's not willing to take the dog out to do it's business or diaper it, this will continue.
NeedHelpWithMom mentioned Cushing's. My son's wife's dog developed that (he is older, also not a little dog.) But that was more like just peeing wherever, he couldn't hold it (there is treatment for it.) This sounds more like a behavioral issue. A couch isn't a normal place for a dog to pee.
Little dogs usually live longer, so 10 isn't that old. He could be around for many more years. A vet visit would be a start, to rule out any conditions. I would be sure you are there or at least make sure the vet clearly understands this dog has issues, so that it won't be excluded or whitewashed by your mother. It can also be a behavioral thing or it could be something he did before moving to your place that you weren't aware of.
I have to deal with one cat (not old) to avoid her going inappropriately. She still manages sometimes to go on the floor, esp if I delay putting her in a cat Playpen with a litter box, 3 times/day. I would NOT ask anyone else to put up with this behavior. I don't like it myself! For the last few weeks of my Katie's life, she forgot the litter box, so most of the time it meant multiple clean ups during the day. She only stayed in the kitchen, and it was mostly on the floor, a few times in her bed/chair. I tolerated that only because of her age (not quite 22, lived with me over 21.5 years!) and condition.
But, this is your house, your furniture. NOT your dog! IF she can't take proper care of the dog and can't abide by the house rules, either the dog finds a new home or she finds a new home and takes him with her. If she uses the couch, I'd leave multiple flyers from AL on it, for her to see, otherwise, leave them in a place she will see them. Hint, hint. If you do draw that line in the sand, don't back down. You've asked and she complied... for a bit. If she agrees to diapers again, it won't last. You know it won't.
Hard as it is, she won't likely get any better or more compliant as she ages. Furniture is just "stuff", but it is YOUR stuff and you don't want to feel like you're living in an outhouse or have to replace furniture all the time! Another 5 or more years of this? Nope. The other problem is no matter what you use to clean up, THEY can still smell it. Once this has started, it isn't going to stop.
Good to see that your brother is somewhat supportive. Making her get rid of the dog is likely going to lead to resentment, and that could last for years. Can you live with that? BTW, I'd ignore the suggestion for euthanasia. Most vets won't put down a healthy animal and there are plenty of rescue groups that can find homes for older dogs.
For me, if the dog is deemed healthy and it is a behavioral issue, either she diapers it or she moves.