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After emotionally abusing my mother until they minute she died, and the family for decades, he is now in care due to storm damage at his house. Up until this time he was living alone and it was getting harder and harder looking after him. I thought he would resent going into care for respite while repairs were being carried out at his home - but in fact the opposite happened. He immediately realised the endless opportunity for narcistic supply that was available in carers, other residents and staff. He decided within a few hours that this was his new home, and left all memories of his old life behind.


It took hours before he started bullying, targetting, and emotionally abusing the most vulnerable of residents and the most helpful sensitive care staff. Even one of the residents died after he emotionally abused them, and I couldn't help but think he had contributed her to death. All of this is done in secret and he is the classic charming narcissist keeping his abuse hidden and carefully executed so that noone would ever believe it.


His narcissism and rage at home and his abuse of my mother was always our dirty little secret.


I notice more and more noone wants to go anywhere near him in the facility. Everyone keeps their distance.


I have started to withdraw from his abuse and take care of myself in recent years. Any tips on further self care or other similiar stories of elderly seniors with malignant narcisistic traits in facility care would be very helpful to know.

You need to completely disconnect and let what ever is going to happen to him happen.

He and your mom taught you that you hold some responsibility for his actions and keeping them secret, well, NO MORE! You don't have to protect your mom and your dad can rot in his own toxic mess.

It is okay and acceptable to wash your hands completely. It is the sane step to take.

I would be careful telling anyone that he is a closet sadistic and he will harm others if given a chance to be alone with them. Perhaps a letter to his doctor copied to the facility about concerning behavior that you feel should be diagnosed or maybe he has a UTI, they could kick him out if they think he will be aggressive and harm other residents.

I am so sorry for you that you believe that you have any culpability for his actions, abusers do it alone, but getting everyone to cover up makes it all your dirty little secrets and they can place the blame on someone besides themselves. No responsibility, it is an abusers mantra. You made me hit you, if you wouldn't have said xyz then I would not have abc. It is evil and should be left behind. You are not responsible in any way, shape or form and you deserve to find a way to be healthy and whole and try to find happiness.

Give it 3 months, he won't be able to pretend beyond that time frame, he will implode if he can't be the tyrant he is. Then the facility will get him the psychiatric help he needs to control his behaviour.
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Arselle2 Jul 12, 2019
Thank you for taking the time and energy to write to me. It is so nourishing for me to have support especially that it is something that even my friends know nothing about and it has been a life long secret. It is one of those secrets that the family has kept.... we were all told what happens at home stays at home, and I have protected him my entire life (brainwashed to do so). If I ever get an opportunity to let them know I will. I always see him being so charming, to those who count, managers, doctors etc... he knows exactly how to get away with it. You are right, the longer he is the, the more his toxicity leaks out... in a way I hope one day, he lets it out on the wrong person, if you know what I mean.
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I would absolutely stop any cover-up, preferably long ago.  It is not a waste of time to be honest and tell about his behavior - the hearer may not seem to, or may not, believe it at first, but it puts the abuser on their radar and sooner or later they will understand what they are seeing.  Secrecy always works for the abuser. 
I would talk honestly to the facility - no covering up.  Particularly if you are concerned about vulnerable residents. And your father's abusive behavior is not your responsibility.
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Arselle2 Jul 12, 2019
Yes I will defintely try to let them know. The big problem is that he has managed to charm everyone who "counts".. managers, doctors, etc, his entire life and has alot of people who would vouch for his character.
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Exactly what Ahmijoy said, especially about rejecting any sense of responsibility for your father's personality or behaviour.

And I do mean ANY. For example, your fears about the impact your father may have had on the resident who, sadly, died. How, in a facility, could your father have secretly subjected this person to emotional abuse? I suspect that your fear has grown out of proportion to your father's simple, practical opportunities to wreak the kind of havoc that he created over decades of your life. You are now afraid of what he might do to other people because of what did happen to your mother and yourself. But that doesn't mean that he *can.*

What discussions have you had with the facility's senior staff? Obviously, you won't want to damage his relationship with them or prejudice them against him; but it may set your mind at rest if you are satisfied that they're wise to his ways and know how to handle him. Don't forget it's a lot easier to set healthy boundaries when the person isn't your Dad and doesn't rule your life.
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Arselle2 Jul 6, 2019
Hi Country Mouse thanks so much for your reply. The person he abused was a friend of my mother's, an old family friend - that he knew too, from years ago. The friends daughter advised me that my father had been aggressive toward her mother and expressed concern about his behaviour "because he is such a nice man!". They couldn't understand and were so surprised by his aggression and thought maybe something was wrong and maybe there were "changes" or something wrong. In my mind I was thinking how they did not know my father like I do.... He has been aggressive for as long as I know him, but very charming in public, the classic covert narcissist (or borderline or both) - to the extent, that noone knows what was happening behind closed doors.

I realise that feeling a connection between her death and the aggressive outburst was silly, but I guess that is me over reacting and over identifying and feeling responsible Thanks so much for your comments which I agree with and take on board and will reflect on.
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Thank you so very much. He is a very difficult man and the personality disorder is very deep and very toxic. What you say is what is happening and continue to happen. Thank you so much for your warm wishes to me.
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It’s a given that people will withdraw from having any contact with your father once they realize what he is like. It’s human nature and they owe him nothing since they are not related to him. Staff may isolate him as much as they can from other residents, especially the more vulnerable one. They will provide needed care for him, but more than likely will not go out of their way to engage him.

You are very wise for stepping back and realizing you need to care for yourself. You did not make your father this way. It is not your fault. You need not excuse his behavior to anyone nor take any responsibility for it. I wish you peace and a good life and future of your own.
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