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I feel bad lying to him that I am continuing these payments.

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HI, Mom gets stacks of mail for many charities. It's out of control. What I started to do is take a few letters at a time. I also told her that I would research the charities online to see if the "charities " are legit. Well all of the one's I checked through the IRS were not registered, no history on them. There are 2 other sites I use to check charities, None of the "charities" were listed.
This is what I started to do. I open the letters, in bright colored ink I write No longer at this address, stop sending!!!!" Seal envelope. Do not put return address label or a stamp. Dont waste your stamps on this scam mail. By not putting a return label it won't get sent back to you. Last week I mailed 45 envelopes back. Tomorrow I'm mailing 35 back. The only charity that we agreed upon years ago is Disabled American Veterans. This group helped my Uncle a retired Marine, Sgt Major, who served a few tours in Vietnam. He has several medical issues from being in Vietnam.
If you ignore, the letters just keep piling up. Good luck.
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littlelou Jun 19, 2021
This may work better than simply putting return to sender. I handed them to the mailman and he said most are generic mailings and wont be returned to the sender....they get put in a storage or recycled. I ended up calling all of them and telling them to remove from the mailing list.....it was a hassel.
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I had the same situation with my dad. Since I was left to make sure he had funds to cover his expenses at a long term care facility. My dad gave to all sorts of charities, I had to lie to him as the job set forth as his financial trustee was to make sure he could get whatever treatments, medications, haircuts, snacks that were outside what they provided at his long term care facility, and at the rate he was giving the money he had would have run out long before his passing. Your dad's needs are what you need to be concerned with. If you have to lie, then you must continue. The last thing you want is to have a court appointed conservator for his finances.
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Reply to thingsarecrazy8
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A lot depends on his needs. Your profile mentions NH, which isn't cheap, but doesn't mention any dementia.

IF he is still of sound mind, but needs help with finances, and has to cut back to ensure his needs are met, then as others suggested, have a chat with him and let him choose those he would like to continue donating to OR suggest reduction in the amounts given. You could do a spreadsheet that shows credits/income and debits and demonstrate how tight his finances are, necessitating cutting back.

Fewer charities, less per donation, less frequent donations are all acceptable. IF he agrees that finances no longer support donations, then you could cut them all out. No need to write to them or call them, unless any were "automatic" payments, aka they make the withdrawals. THOSE should be stopped NOW, even if you continue to make donations via check or electronic transfer. They should be pushed from dad's end, not pulled.

IF he has cognitive issues, you can still try to have a chat with him and see if he understands the need to cut back on the number of charities and the amounts given.

When I took over my mother's finances, I did NOT make any payments to any charities she had donated to in the past. I don't think she was "regular" about making donations, but there weren't too many really. I just stopped - I wanted to be sure she would have enough for her care for many many years, so anything not considered a necessity went bye-bye! I also didn't really discuss it with her. Once the bills were redirected to my PO box and I took all the checks and statements, she never mentioned paying anything or ask why there were no bills. I'm sure she still got the charity junk mail, but she never said boo about them. Now all that crap comes to my PO box - never updated them, so it does get changed either through data mining or Postal updates.
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SillyGrandma Jun 14, 2021
If you are not POA for your father and are handling his finances, that is the first thing you need to do while he is of sound mind and can sign the document in front of a notary.

I had to do that for my Mom and I was able to handle anything for her. You should also get a Medical Power of Attorney so you can have access to any medical information that you may need concerning your father. You might also draw up a DOR (Do Not Resuscitate) if that is something your father might need. I had all three documents for my Mom and was glad that I had them since I was the one taking care of her and she passed away in my home. If you have a POA or need to get one, they can only be changed if the need arises and is signed again by your father in front of a notary. I hope this information will help you out some way concerning your father. If you have a computer and can type, you can type up all three of the documents I mentioned above and not have to hire an attorney. You can find the templates on the Internet on how to type up a Durable Power of Attorney and the other two documents. Good Luck to you and I hope you get everything squared away.
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As POA you usually have the discretion and the duty to make financial decisions in the best interest of your father. If you are concerned that he will outlive his resources, then by all means cease the charitable contributions.

Being honest and distressing our elderly parents or fibbing to them to keep them from being distressed is a hard call. If your father is unreasonable on his charitable giving then do what you feel you need to do.
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Reply to cweissp
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Are your father's expenses paid in full each month and his needs provided for?
Does he have enough money every month to cover his bills and support his standard of living?
If the answer to these questions is 'yes' then why would you stop giving his money to the charities he's given it to for years?
It's his money, but if there is a need to scale back the amounts given to these charities, tell your father the reasons why he has to cut back on how much he normally gives to them.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Streamline his finances in a way that provides for his needs. Try to set a little aside for charities. You can rotate giving to each of his favorite charities on a monthly basis rather than trying to send monthly payments to each. It might make you feel better to send a note with the donation that states that your father has reached an age where he needs you to care for his finances. Word is along the lines of, "My father has reached a point in his life that he can not afford to continue his usual form of giving. I will be sending a contribution to all of his favorite charities on a monthly rotating basis."
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disgustedtoo Jun 13, 2021
Not sure giving the charities a head's up is a good idea. It's bad enough that they ALL sell mailing lists (and other information can be gleaned online, even if it isn't correct - they've associated my ex, div almost 40 years ago AND is deceased, as well as my son with my current address. NEITHER ever lived here!), which generates tons more requests for donations. However, by stating the reduced amount, it will seem like a "promise" and they will hound you for more. Either just reduce the donations or cut them off.

I had changed the mailing address for all mom's bills (prior to MC move) to my PO box so I could manage them. ALL the places she's dealt with in the past now send mailings to her at my PO box - charities, sales catalogs, junk, etc. There are labels slapped on mail that isn't deliverable to the old address, indicating new address (saw this when helping cat shelter.) She was almost getting more mail than I do! I took over finances about 6 years ago, and stopped any random donations she made. They STILL send crap here to this day. Address labels are #1 and not needed, note pads, I keep for myself and recycle the rest. Random other crap - I just rip off her info from contents and/or envelope and recycle the paper.
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If he should need Medicaid at some point in time, his gifts would be considered as him giving away what he would eventually need for his own care. He could have a penalty period of x number of days Medicaid will not pay for a NH. Quit paying, just don't discuss with him. I would also look on each letter for an email or address to remove his name from mailing list.
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TNtechie Jun 13, 2021
Before my father died I went through the process of qualifying mom for Medicaid for some of the state's home care support programs. They did not count her contributions to St Jude against her. The agent told me at the time that reasonable contributions of long-standing were not challenged but newer contributions were. My mother has contributed her "tithe" to St Jude for about 50 years. Her best friend had a child a few months older than me who died at 21 months treated at St Jude.

Since Medicaid is administered by the state, would this be a state-by-state policy? I don't think my mother will need Medicaid, but I would very interested in others' experiences with this.
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I think it all depends on if the charities his has been giving to are legit. For Ex: Red Cross, it has been shown that most of the money received goes for Administration costs not to the actual charity.

My Mom tithed her monthly income and I chose to continue that as long as her monthly bills were paid. Once she was on Medicaid, of course that tithing stopped. She did give to Umcore when it was a mission at church. 100% of ur donation goes to help disaster victims. But I did not entertain any of the others even those supporting the local Police or Fireman. She did not have that much money. And I was squeezing every penny to keep her in the AL.

So, it really depends, does he really have the money and are the charities legit. If he used to give $100 five $25.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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To me, it depends on circumstances whether it's OK to discontinue payments. Why are you taking care of his finances? Using a POA? Why do you want to discontinue his payments?

When I began helping my own mother with her finances, she was having trouble executing her decisions, but not making them. She knew what she wanted, she just needed my help getting it done. A POA is designed primarily for this reason, so that the designated person can assist the principal in executing decisions. During this period Mom would bring me bills to be paid online and would ask about her balances and contributions.

Later Mom stopped asking about her money or how it was being spent. Mom had always made a monthly contribution to one particular charity. The amount had varied over the years but never the actual contribution. At times she made additional contributions to others, frequently people in the community she heard about: someone's house burned down, their kid needed medical treatment, and so forth would generally yield a one-time contribution of $100.

I'm Mom's POA and now that encompasses making more decisions for her and on her behalf. I try to make those decisions as my mother would if she were still capable of making all her own decisions. So I still make the monthly contribution to the charity of her choice.

I do have the benefit of Mom always being very careful with her money. She never signed on to giving to multiple places based on solicitations. If there were multiple places that she only contributed to based on some solicitation, I would very likely have discontinued them.
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I learned over time that parents who have volunteered, helped and/or have a need to be generous to others, whether it's in funds or in performing various tasks, or helping out, or through church work, have a need to continue volunteering.   But as they age, they can't, so they switch to charitable donations.  It makes them feel good.  

One thing that irked both of us is charities which pay their staff, especially the execs, very generous amounts of money.   My father worked hard for his money, was laid off periodically, and saved well for his retirement.   So we agreed that no donations would be made to any charities that paid any individual staff over $100K.  

When a new solicitation would arrive and Dad called me, I checked on the charity, and low and behold, the execs took home very generous amounts for whatever it was they did.   Another request is "file 13'd."
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disgustedtoo Jun 13, 2021
Had never heard that expression so I had to look it up. I don't know if this is true or not, but:

"Where did the term File 13 come from?
The term came from the fact that the smaller metal trash cans are 13 inches in diameter and 13 inches in height."

Sounds like this might have started in the military too.
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If your father can discuss with you, suggest to him an amount of $ (a budget) that you think is okay for him to donate. Let him pick the charities to split it. I did that with my elderly mom, who has more expenses now that dad in a LTC. The volume of solicitations was substantial and if my parents ever gave a single donation before, the organization hounds them for more money. So I also review her mail and just toss out those that were weeded from her “list”. That way mom’s emotions won’t be torn by their pleading. Hope you find your solution!
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Reply to InlandMeg
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Since it's his money and you don't say that he has any mental decline, the fact that you're now his POA, may be irrelevant, as most POA's come into effect only after someone has been officially diagnosed with some sort of mental decline. You might want to check the wording on said POA.
Now all that being said, instead of discontinuing them all, why don't you have a conversation with your father, and tell him that he can no longer afford to support them all, so ask him to pick out the top 5 that he would like to continue contributing to. That way he will feel good that he's still helping out, and you won't have to lie to him. It's a win win for all involved.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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As soon as a person donates to a charity they are bombarded with mail and phone calls. They tug on their heartstrings and people donate.

My mom received tons of mail regarding giving to their cause. Of course, they all send ‘free’ gifts.

My mom had enough return address labels to last ten lifetimes! She had so many calendars she gave them away. Who wants calendars these days? LOL She had a ton of trinket type gifts that were sent. My uncle broke his shredder with coins that were sent to him in the mail as some sort of gimmick.

It’s their money and some causes are legit. Mom and I both donated to St. Jude because my cousin received excellent care at St. Jude’s and has been in remission for her leukemia.

I feel this is a personal issue and only you can decide what is best. It made my mom happy to give so regardless of how I felt I let it go.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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I did. My truly wonderful LO supported several legitimate charities.

As her POA, my primary responsibility was to preserve her funds for her ongoing care. I actually have maintained a FEW of her charities, but ONLY with my own personal funds.

You will not be “lying” to him by telling him when he asks that you are managing his funds VERY CAREFULLY and making sure that you are honoring his requests. Then change the subject to something that interests him.

You do not need to go any farther in the conversation.

You are so fortunate, as I am, to care for a LO who has thought in the past to provide generously for those who are in need.

He in turn is so fortunate to be cared for by his honest and devoted child, who wants to carefully manage his assets and do the right thing for him.
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Reply to AnnReid
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First, are you his financial PoA? If not, then this is something that needs to be put into place in order for you to represent him legally.

Next, does he have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment, memory loss, incapacity? If not, then he gets to make his own decisions whether you agree with them or not.

If you are privy to his financial condition and are concerned that his philanthropy is not realistic to his means AND he has all his mental faculties then I would do the math for him on paper to make your case for him to choose to back off this spending.

If you are privy to his financial condition and are concerned that his philanthropy is not realistic to his means BUT you suspect he has dementia or some other cognitive issue then you really need to get a PoA in place. Even mild memory loss may be an acceptable condition for him to create a PoA but don't wait any longer because it only gets worse. An elder law attorney can help him create the documents, or you can go to Legalzoom.com or Rocketlawyer.com and help him create a very basic document, which is better than no document.
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XenaJada Jun 13, 2021
My mother has been giving money to every charity which claims to help disabled vets. They’ve sold her name to each other and she gets tons of solicitations every single day in the mail
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I'd discontinue them.

My mom gives money to EVERYTHING that comes to the house. Small amounts, but it adds up and she SHOULD be paying rent at YB's.

She just gave $1000 to the Sr Center which was very kind except that she had told YB she would pay for the water main to be replaced (she pays nothing towards upkeep of the house, no rent, nothing)...I mentioned this to YB and blew up. He doesn't have the money for this, so he is just going to leave the front yard all dug up until she pays her portion.

She's wasted thousands of dollars on scam after scam. Most of these pledges for money only give 10% of what they make to the actual cause.

HOWEVER--if your dad is competent to make his own financial desisions, you may have to continue on.
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