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I’m 60. Only child. Divorced no kids. Her going home even with help would make my life worse! She is delusional in thinking she will go home. She DOESNT have dementia. For her age she has a decent mind. But I still have her coop / her money is running out. I work full time / have my own mortgage etc. I have to tell her that going home isn’t going to happen. She will definitely pull the guilt trip crap on me ( stubborn 93 yr old Italian woman ). Help! How do i do it without losing my mind !!!?

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Guilt isn't appropriate here. Guilt requires causation out of evil intent. It also requires the ability to fix things but a refusal out of evil intent. That isn't the case here. The g-word you need to repeat to yourself is rather GRIEF. You aren't god. You aren't a Saint. You aren't in control here and cannot be. Throwing yourself on your mother's burning funeral pyre would be a very poor choice, and could possibly lead to your own demise.

Don't expect her to be happy. You cannot be responsible for her happiness and you cannot make her happy and old age isn't a time of happiness. Moreover having lived a long life there were many other times she was unhappy, as well. Let her grieve and grieve with her, but let her know you must live your life now for yourself, as you choose, giving her support and love to the best of your ability, and that doesn't include being her caregiver.

Stop expecting perfection. It doesn't exist. Stop allowing others to guilt you; the responsibility for that is your own. Understand that life is FULL of grief and pain, as well as beauty, and that latter must often be held kicking and screaming to your breast. Good luck. Let her cry. Old age is worth crying over.
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Rm1640 Nov 24, 2025
Thank you for responding. Your words were a help. Sometimes we need someone to remind us the we deserve to live our life also.
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Tell mom the truth. That her needs exceed your capabilities, that you work full time, and it's simply not possible to have her move in with you. My mother pulled the Italian FOG tactics on me, too, after she went into Memory Care from regular AL. She insisted she'd help ME around the house, being wheelchair bound and incontinent. There was no reasoning with her, dementia or not. So I didn't. I just told her it was not possible and then I'd leave if she continued harping on the same subject. Set down your boundaries and stick to them, it's all you can do. Remind mom you love her and she's in the SNF for her own safety and nursing care. Then change the subject.

I think all 93 yr old Italian women are stubborn and feel it's up to the daughter to take them in when they're old. Nevermind the fighting that would go on and the chaos that would ensue. I grew up in that environment and vowed to never repeat it.

Good luck.
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Geaton777 Dec 2, 2025
There seems to be a preponderance of IMS (Italian Mother Syndrome)
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My 96-yr old Italian-American Mother lives next door to me. I'm also an only child and she is single. Yes, stubborn. But, please know that in the elderly unreasonable levels of stubborn can be the early signs of actual dementia.

I have an "agreement" with my Mom: she goes into a facility when she is unsafe in her own home OR I am overwhelmed by her care. I think you need to apply this filter to your situation. The word is in quotes because she hates the idea and often still argues with me about it. It's a boundary for me so that decisions are clear.

I would get your Mom assessed by her doctor for LTC, which in most states is covered by Medicaid (the medical portion) and your Mom's SSI (for the custodial portion). Once this happens, you find a good, reputable facility as local to you as possible that accepts Medicaid and has open beds. You move your Mom there at first as private pay, then when she is about 4 months away from her money running out, you appy for Medicaid. You don't tell your Mother any of this: when the day comes to move her you tell her that her doctor is ordering her to a different "rehab" so she can recover. Don't waste your breath arguing with her about it. There's no other solution that works for you, the caregiver and manager of her affairs. I'm hoping you are her PoA because if you're not, and she seems "cogent" to facility admins, she may be able to prevent this move. You need to have the legal ability to make this decision for her.

You may want to consult with an estate attorney or Medicaid Planner so that you are informed of options and pitfalls. There can be many with Medicaid application.

Also, wanting to "go home" is called Sundowning and is a very common behavioral symptom of dementia. They are thinking of their childhood home, or some place they felt safe. Don't talk to her in the afternoons... only talk to her in the morning if at all possible.

As AlvaDeer has pointed out, you won't be able to make her happy anymore. You aren't responsible for her happiness, just making sure she is safe, comfortable and nurished. You didn't create your Mom's problem and you can't solve it the way she wants.

I wish you success in finding an arrangement that works for the both of you, but mostly you.
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Rm1640 Nov 24, 2025
Thank you for responding. She is in nursing home. I got her on Medicaid almost 2 years ago. So that area is totally covered. It’s just the way to go about telling her that going home isn’t in the cards. Not easy. I will tell her after holidays and after my attny has her sign POA for her coop. Thank you , it’s nice to hear from people who are my shoes so to speak. Thanks
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It sounds like you have things well in hand, it is just the act of breaking it to her that will be hard. You have a good plan. I hope the encouragement here helps you with the conversation in January. I assume it means she will stay in the nursing home?

I will just add that if she starts to give you a hard time after everything is settled, tell her that you have already discussed the situation and you will leave (or hang up) if she starts trying to make you feel bad about it. And then do it. Walk away or hang up the phone. If she truly has all her marbles, she'll learn quick. Because I bet she wants you around more than she wants to complain.
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Rm1640 Nov 24, 2025
Thank you for your response. She will be safest at the nursing home. And I will have some sanity knowing she’s there. Thank yo again. Your words are very helpful. I appreciate it.
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So sorry you are going through this. It is time to have the talk. You need to tell her if she decides to go home she is on her own. She needs to get herself home from the facility and to put care in place and do what needs to be done because you will not be propping her up to give her the illusion of independence.

We placed my mother in a nursing home two years ago and I needed to tell her exactly that. She didn't want to be there and was very very angry with us. But my sisters and I just could not do it anymore and she could not be alone because she had mobility issues.

It was a lousy conversation and I felt terrible having to say what I did, but it needed to be said. She finally realized she could not do all that was entailed to live on her own anymore.
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Rm1640 Nov 24, 2025
Thank you for your response. It’s helpful to hear from those who are or have walked in my shoes. Much appreciated
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I’d consider asking your “stubborn 93 yr old Italian” mother about the old people aged over 90 that she knew as a child when she was growing up in Italy. Even if her family was rich, she probably knew few or none. And she probably knew few or no women aged 60 who had to work full-time and pay their own mortgage. She is alive today because of the care she is getting from the nursing staff. She should be grateful to you for the time you spend with her.

Those thoughts should make YOU feel better. It is just possible that they may make her think twice. And it might divert the conversation to the old times, which both of you might even enjoy!
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Instead of telling her you sold her co-op and making it sound like this is all your doing and decision, maybe tell her she can go home as soon as the doctor says it’s a good idea and then change the subject. Might be better than arguing about it forever, you be the judge if that might work.
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Have her doctor tell her.
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First, Do Not Pick Her Up from rehab to take her home!
Inform the Doctor, or Nurse at Rehab that you will not be taking care of her if she returns home.
If she is stubborn, has an independent streak, and manages to find a way home without your support, Let her figure out how to manage and live on her own. If she thinks she is independent, let her try living independently. When she fails, she will need to start considering her options.

It is acceptable to tell her that you are not able to take care of her. Keep repeating it, and don't give in. If you start by doing one small thing, you open the door for her to make more demands. She can hire in-home aides.

Now, that sounds pretty harsh. As a daughter, if you have a close relationship and you want to help her out from time to time, say going grocery shopping, or taking her to a doctor appt., or simply taking her for a nice outing, to lunch or something you both would enjoy, Do that!
Just make sure you clarify your boundaries and don't give her any false expectations as to how much time and energy you are prepared to devote to her needs.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause her aging, her broken hip, and even if you spend 24 hours a day with her, you can not prevent her from falling! I mean that! We think by hovering, we can prevent a loved one with mobility issues from falling and getting hurt. If she is stubborn and fails to make use of mobility aids, such as a walker, or a wheelchair, or motorized scooter, she will likely fall. And what are you going to do if you are there? Try and catch her? Pick her up off the floor? If you try and catch her and you both go down, who is going to help you up?

I don't think I can offer any suggestions on how to get through this without losing your mind! It will be crazy-making for sure -even if only temporarily!
If you are prone to letting her make you feel guilty, it might help you to see a therapist to help you with maintaining your boundaries and feeling confident in the decisions you make.
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help2day Dec 2, 2025
I don't think after 18 months, she's still in "rehab". A broken hip doesn't take 18 months to health. Her Mom is most likely moved from rehab to the nursing home residence area. Her mother has a coop. Daughter says she has her own mortgage so she must not be living at Mom's coop. Daughter says $$ is running out. Paying a nursing home private pay is expensive. Daughter will need to sell the coop. Hopefully she has an elder law attorney to help with legal matters. Daughter needs to hold her ground and tell Mom she cannot have Mom home alone while she is working all day and it's better where she is.
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I don't know, this is sad. But you have to do what is best for you. No guilt trips, just what is best for you. Maybe cut back on the visits. And when you are there if she starts on the guilt trips, just leave. Not angry, just leave. Good luck.
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ShirleyDot Dec 2, 2025
It is also what is best for her mother, not a selfish decision.
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