So that means she goes way too long between these two things. I have tried the many things recommended through my reading these forums but none of it works. Any suggestions? HELP!
Her brain is broken. What is HER experience of being asked to change her clothes, or bathe?
I read a sad story a couple of years ago about a dementia patient who fought like the dickens when anyone at the NH tried to get her in the shower. It came to light that she had been raped as a 13 year old in a shower at school decades earlier.
We can't always know what our dementia folks are experiencing when we ask them to do simple things. My usually calm mom nearly drove us off the road as my husband and I drove her from rehab to a lovely Assisted Living Community. We got her in the car, all comfy, turned on "calming" music (The Pachobel Canon) and she totally freaked out while we were driving.
In the same way that you have to get inside your baby's head (there's no milk; I don't see mommy, I've been abandoned! WHAAAAAA), we need to understand the broken brains of our elders and not ascribe lots of motives.
Have you asked her doctor to prescribe a bath aide?
Connie, when was the last time your Mother-in-law has seen her primary doctor? She could have an urinary tract infection [UTI] which has side effects such as hitting and cursing... which she doesn't realize she is doing.
Maybe try a couple of different strategies. First, watch some Teepa Snow videos on bathing. We did a few different things with my mom. Early on, I had to be sure to use a space heater to warm up both the bathroom and the dressing room, use a shower chair and hand held sprayer. I also found it better not to attempt to do her hair at the same time...I could usually get her to shower about once a week. That is not quite enough ;-) so in-between we would give her a quick wipe down. Some of the things we did were *Use adult wipes *Get no rinse soap and use with a wet wash cloth *Get Peri bottles and no rinse Peri cleaner. Mix a little Peri cleaner in one bottle with water and have one with just warm water. When she was on the toilet I could spray her Peri area first with the wash and then rinse with warm water...at least it got cleaned a couple times a day. *We also gave mom sponge baths while she sat on the bedside commode *Now we bathe her in the bed My mom got sometimes doing stage 5-6 but as with everything when dealing with dementia, this too shall pass. Much luck to you.
Dear connie.c.,Please ...do not be worried about this !elderly people are often at Times ,EXTREAMLY AFRAID OF BATHING !This is because 90%of falls happen the tub or shower ,even in a shower chair,it is very Normal for elderly people to be afraid to wash in a tub, so maybe you can get a table ,big bowl ,or wash tub,with warm water ,no rinse foam soap,and put it in her room with wash cloth ,hand towels,and a bath towel.Then leave mom to her own privacy in her room to wash herself . I have been in this exact situation ,actually had to say "you really smell and your hair is greasy PLEASE wash yourself,it is not fair to other people to have to smell you.then this person went along with this plan .GOOD LUCK!!!! Oh P.S.I have tried this method more than 1 time 90% of the time it works but not always ,The wipes are a great way to go too...but definitely could be a medication problem. I mean what did they do in the old days ?? A big bowl of wash water, and privacy.
thank you all for your ideas and I am learning a lot from everyone's experiences . My mother in law won't shower or take a bath, she has been sponge bathing for many years, long before her dementia kicked in. (old school I believe because she was very poor growing up and that's what they did) I do give her privacy and make sure the bath area is warm. I lay out her clothes and while we are having breakfast I suggest it's a good day for a bath. She agrees but then the bathing doesn't get done. I keep on her about it all day and one of two things happen.....she gets defiant and demands I leave her alone ( this is also the time she starts getting mean towards me )says she just took a bath or she is agreeable but won't do it. I offer to help her and she declares she can do it herself , that she's not a child and says that'll be the day when she needs someone to bathe her. I have already tried the baby wipes angle and she won't use them either. I leave her towel, wash cloth, wipes etc. out for her. I'm hoping she will see these things and it will make her want to clean up. She goes behind me and puts everything away so I spend the day putting them back out. This back and forth goes on all day. She does have times when she messes her pants and I have tried the "you smell" thing and the "it's not healthy" angle. She denies messing her underwear (I think because she is embarrassed ). I have found her messy underwear in some tucked away places and also caught her cleaning them in the toilet. Even during those times she denies the fact that she didn't make it to the toilet. I think she just doesn't always recognize the urge to go and therefore she messes her underwear. I have considered pull up type underwear or diapers but I am concerned she will try to flush them down the toilet. My sister in law works in a nursing home and says this happens often. So not sure I want to run the risk of the toilet overflowing and or having costly plumbing needs on a daily basis. I think she would flush them to hide the mess from me. I do think I'll try it though and see what happens ...fingers crossed.
@ConnieC - my mom refuses Depends also, but has times when she cannot control her bowels. Poise pads makes a super long and slightly wider incontinence pad that goes inside your underwear. Mom now uses these. They don't always catch all the mess, but they work better than just underwear or regular size pads, and save her a lot of embarrassment.
I think maybe she is similar to your MIL, in that she equates the Depends with "old people wearing diapers" and does not want to admit to her physical decline. She is comfortable with the pad though - I think because it's similar to a large menstrual pad, which she's more familiar with. She also has her own garbage container with a liner and a lid, where she can deposit the used pads after she rolls them up and wraps them in tissue (again, like a menstrual pad). She's also fine with them because they're technically made for bladder leakage, which is something lots of women who've given birth have problems with (so again, she can disassociate from the idea of physical decline).
Maybe give them a shot? I believe the one we use is labelled size 6 (the biggest).
Thanks, and yes maybe I'll have better luck with the pads. My biggest problem with my MIL is that she's so uncooperative . She refuses to do anything I try to get her to do. She's a stubborn woman ,always has been. I believe in some ways the dementia has worsened her stubborn personality. I spent several hours last night watching CareBlazers videos. I tried the Teepa Snow ones but found the CareBlazers ones more helpful to me . Not that the Teepa Snow aren't good I just preferred the CareBlazers. By the way I keep an adult coloring book at her house for myself. I find it helps me relax while I am watching her. I can't read a book because I would be constantly picking it up and putting it down and that's not a good way to enjoy a book. I have tried to get her to color or draw but she won't. In her younger years she was quite the artist so I thought this would be an easy thing to get her to do , but no. I did get her to sketch me on a napkin once but that was months ago.
She has dementia, right?
Her brain is broken. What is HER experience of being asked to change her clothes, or bathe?
I read a sad story a couple of years ago about a dementia patient who fought like the dickens when anyone at the NH tried to get her in the shower. It came to light that she had been raped as a 13 year old in a shower at school decades earlier.
We can't always know what our dementia folks are experiencing when we ask them to do simple things. My usually calm mom nearly drove us off the road as my husband and I drove her from rehab to a lovely Assisted Living Community. We got her in the car, all comfy, turned on "calming" music (The Pachobel Canon) and she totally freaked out while we were driving.
In the same way that you have to get inside your baby's head (there's no milk; I don't see mommy, I've been abandoned! WHAAAAAA), we need to understand the broken brains of our elders and not ascribe lots of motives.
Have you asked her doctor to prescribe a bath aide?
Connie, I'm so sorry that I offended you. I hope you find the information you seek! Be well.
We did a few different things with my mom. Early on, I had to be sure to use a space heater to warm up both the bathroom and the dressing room, use a shower chair and hand held sprayer. I also found it better not to attempt to do her hair at the same time...I could usually get her to shower about once a week. That is not quite enough ;-) so in-between we would give her a quick wipe down. Some of the things we did were
*Use adult wipes
*Get no rinse soap and use with a wet wash cloth
*Get Peri bottles and no rinse Peri cleaner. Mix a little Peri cleaner in one bottle with water and have one with just warm water. When she was on the toilet I could spray her Peri area first with the wash and then rinse with warm water...at least it got cleaned a couple times a day.
*We also gave mom sponge baths while she sat on the bedside commode
*Now we bathe her in the bed
My mom got sometimes doing stage 5-6 but as with everything when dealing with dementia, this too shall pass. Much luck to you.
I think maybe she is similar to your MIL, in that she equates the Depends with "old people wearing diapers" and does not want to admit to her physical decline. She is comfortable with the pad though - I think because it's similar to a large menstrual pad, which she's more familiar with. She also has her own garbage container with a liner and a lid, where she can deposit the used pads after she rolls them up and wraps them in tissue (again, like a menstrual pad). She's also fine with them because they're technically made for bladder leakage, which is something lots of women who've given birth have problems with (so again, she can disassociate from the idea of physical decline).
Maybe give them a shot? I believe the one we use is labelled size 6 (the biggest).
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