Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
Since when does ones parents come before a husband and marriage?
And who in their right mind would sacrifice their lives for their parents? That is beyond sick and I truly hope that you'll seek therapy to get to the bottom as to why you don't feel that your husband and marriage should come before your parents.
You have already neglected your husband, yourself, and your home for far too long now. It's time to stop the insanity.
And why you felt it a good idea to have your parents live in the same complex as you, I'll personally never understand.
Your parents have had their lives and now you and your husband deserve yours.
You say in your post below that you "do have a backbone" but I'm not picking up on that in any of your posts or replies.
In fact, I'm picking up on just the opposite. And sadly I don't see a happy ending here for anyone because of the poor choices you have made.
You are a "prisoner" of your own making, and that is the worst kind of prisoner you can be, so I do hope you're in therapy to help you figure out this hot mess you've gotten yourself into.
Please don't get upset at one another on this forum! I do appreciate your advice and kindness!
Your husband seems very patient, but what if he gets tired of this situation? What if he wants a full-time wife instead of one who is always having to do something for her parents? A wife who will be around when he's having chemo or other life crises? Don't think a disappearing husband couldn't happen to you. It happens all the time in situations just like this. There are plenty of women out there waiting in line to find a kind and patient husband. THINK AHEAD!
This is the same old same old. You come here for advice and NEVER take ANY of it.
Just be clear that they ARE your choices.
There is nothing anyone can do about what YOU choose.
You first responsibility is to yourself. Next, is your marriage.
Please get home health care for your parents.
Just check in on them once a day. You don't need to stay for hours. Tell Mom to pretend they are still in Fla and your in VA.
If there is a Senior Center or Adult Day program that she can get involved with that might occupy some of her time. the Senior Center will get both mom and dad involved and they may both find programs, trips and projects they both will enjoy.
If your parents are so feeble and weak that they could NOT muster the energy or wherewithal to pack or unpack one single box then they should have been moved straight into a long term care facility not into a condo that they clearly are unable to handle. In short order you will be cooking their meals, cleaning their house, and wiping their behinds 24/7.
You seriously need to cut the umbilical cord you have attached to your parents. It's time. That thing must be heavy and dirty since you have been dragging it around with you for decades.
Even now you can't be a grow adult and tell your mother that you are not going to spend all day and night in her condo with her and that you will be spending time in your own house with your husband and you are not going to see them daily.
How sad that your parents have this much control over you.
Even worse it's almost like you set yourself up for this by moving them into the same building as you.
Your parents are hungry souls that will never be satisfied until they finally smother and consume your physical being into their own. They are like the Borg on Star Trek.
Unfortunately if you haven't been able to stand up to them and create your own autonomy by now (with ALL the good advice you were given last time you posted) I don't think you are going to succeed without some serious mental health help.
Yet you CHOSE to have this living arrangement set up.
You will now have to CHOOSE whether it can work, or whether your mother may require placement to fulfill her needs.
The best way to handle this is to handle "yourself" first. You need to understand that your mom hasn't been really any different, that you are not responsible for her "happiness." all day every day. There will be many times she will be UNhappy. That's life, as they say.
The limits are yours to set. They are mom's to live with. And the choices are yours. Life has been long for your mother; there have been many times in her life she was unhappy; this is but one more. And for you, I am certain there have been other times in your life when you were simply not able to fulfill the expectations others had of you. This is but one more time.