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Anyway, my Dad and husband went to Home Depot for something and my Mom is all by herself with her dog upstairs. My husband said he needed to get me a house key because I lost my key, but I could have done that. My husband said don't worry about mom - she can call you or us. I spoke to her and I told her I am down here packing and want to get it over with. I left her alone at night while my Dad was in the hospital and if I had to work, or I was on vacation or died - she'd have to be alone - right? Here I go again. I'm really trying.
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I know - what's wrong with him??? He's in NO condition to go. I'm just beside myself!
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LostinPlace Sep 2024
Romeo, how far away will your husband be travelling and how long will he be gone?

Is it possible for you to go with him on this business trip? You could stay in a hotel nearby and self pay. That would be so much safer for him and reduce your anxiety. Plus, it would be a chance to get away from home for awhile.
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Maybe DH is going on a business trip to get some peace and quite from the chaos that is his home life.

Something to think about romeo.
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Romeo13 Sep 2024
I thought about it, of course, but he has a new boss, who started when my husband got his diagnosis and probably feels, on both sides - it's about time.
Look, it's out of my hands and I'm sure he'll manage, but what will happen when he gets home - he collapses from the whole ordeal?
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He's leaving tomorrow. He's an Attorney/Lobbyist and Vice President in the company and HE wants to attend besides his boss saying it too. This is INSANE and I have no control over it! They're all driving me crazy - I am having lung issues and they're going to kill me. I just needed to vent.
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Hothouseflower Sep 2024
This is a reckless decision your husband is making. Has his doctor cleared him to travel? From what you describe, I think not.

I also don't think his boss realizes the extent of his medical problems. If he did, shame on him for insisting he should be going. What kind of person does that? It sounds like a high pressure situation and he certainly will not be on his game.

Ask him what he plans to do if he keels over away from home and ends up in the hospital. What are his expectations as to what should happen if he can't get back home? Does he have a plan? What are his expectations as to what you should do given your situation with your family? There is a high likelihood that it could play out this way and he should really think about this.
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This isn't about my parents - it's about my 65 year old husband - he's going on a business trip and he is exhausted, can hardly speak and is in pain from post radiation and chemo from his Tonsil Cancer. He still has a feeding tube and is going to bring all of his meds and food with him. He didn't take any sick leave or disability during the entire time - just fell asleep a little. Besides my parents, I have to deal with this too. I thought I had/have it bad with my Breast Cancer (posted about me the other day to Lost poster) - he's 100 times worse. I'm actually angry about this. He's going to retire in March when I turn 65. We are financially fine. He's immune compromised, like a poster said and he can hardly stand up because of his weight loss. They're all going to send me to a psychiatric ward!
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sp196902 Sep 2024
He should tell his work that no he can't go because of ...... and they will have to make other arrangements. Can this be done via a zoom call from home without him having to travel?

His chances of getting sicker by traveling may put him in the hospital due to his weakened immune system and constant pain.

What's the worst they do fire him? He would have a great lawsuit if they did that.

Now's the time for him to take some sick leave or disability leave. I am sure his oncologist/doctor could write a scrip telling his work he is not able to fly or travel due to the feeding tube, constant pain and weakened immunity.
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Oops, duplicated. So edited.

And how mobile is Mom? Get in & out of the car OK with just your Dad. Is she trustworthy as a passenger? Wears her seatbelt? Any yelling "Slow down!" in panic?

Any concerns that would decrease their safety?

I remember driving like a snail with my 80-something Grandma while she clutched on for dear life. She was a good passenger until her eyesight worsened.
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Romeo, how old is your Dad? How good is his walking? Eyesight? Memory & reaction time?

Do you think it a wise decision he buy a car & drive?
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Alva: I think my other post when I signed in as Maximus was 300 posts? I have to go back and check that. It's been actually fun in a "crazy" way for all of us.
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sp1969: My Dad has NOT driven our cars. I am making excuses for him not to. He will be buying his own car and getting his own insurance. They have enough money to eat and has money for his car and since he stopped paying for my brother and he sold his other car he can get one. We are not paying the rent here and he doesn't have a mortgage since he sold the condo. They want to pay us back, which is impossible. We don't want him to. We are very comfortable financially right now, even with all of the years helping them out. He said he will just have enough money for a facility if need be - just making it.
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Actually, my husband is Irish - grandmother had a brogue. My Dad used to fly Pan Am into Shannon and he said the breakfast was not to be believed - so good-eggs, bacon wow. My husband and I were not able to bring Lucius with us due to the quarantine rules years ago. I don't think they have to be quarantined anymore. We did travel to London. So hopefully, we can visit after all of our health issues are done with. I would love to hear other people's travel experiences even in our country and I asked the other night - what happened to the post about "what did you have for dinner"? Does anyone remember that?
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If NO ONE will claim the Kewpie Doll for number 100 post, then here I am to do so.
(pf course)

You can mail it to
Number 2 Yellow Brick Road
Somewhere Special
No zip.
Use a Forever stamp. I have stuff going out from my will with them!
My love to all for this entertaining post. May it go on forever!
And may the USPS forever honor "forever" stamps.
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This is actually to AnxietyNacy:

I read your response to LostinPlace’s time living in Italy that you “have to go to Ireland….” I just wanted to let you know that Ireland is quite beautiful as well! One of our favorite countries to visit. Get your Green on!!
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Lost: Fa Bene! Ciao! Yes, the Italians are colorful in every way and if you love history as I love to study Ancient History, it is one big museum. We traveled all over Italy - right now our hearts are set on spending many months in Spain, Portugal and France (been there many times too), and we have to finish Germany and other countries. Even though we traveled extensively and drove through Europe, I am also envious. You sound like my parents just moving for the heck of it to enjoy another way of life.

PS: I had a double mastectomy with NO reconstruction - totally flat - I had Stage II aggressive ER PR positive breast cancer with Lymphovascular Invasion - 5 years out. Had the horrible "Red Devil" chemo, no radiation - chose to remove breasts. Now on an aromatase inhibitor and suffering horrible joint pains and hot flashes, brain fog, nervousness, insomnia, gained 20 pounds, lost 20 pounds - just a basket case. Going for my next scan to see if lung nodules are metastatic. More worried about my husband. Hopefully, you are doing ok.
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Romeo, Come Stai?

We lived in Santa Margherita Ligure on the water closer to Paraggi. In an UNESCO area. So beautiful.

We moved there after I got a false positive diagnosis for breast cancer - it took a full year afterwards to verify that the diagnosis was false. Luckily, I didn't have chemo or surgery before it was clear that I was negative for breast cancer. My husband and I were so giddy with relief that we sold our home and took the proceeds to live in Europe for 5 years; 4 years in Italy and 1 year in France. These were the best years of my life. And we were young and healthy enough to enjoy the experiences fully.

I'd give almost anything to move back to Italy, but now we are too old to deal with Italy's lovely chaos, the day to day magical carnival of living in Italy...the feast for all the senses.
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AlvaDeer Sep 2024
Lost in place, it's a lovely place. I so loved it!
All the trompe le oeil--MAGNIFICENT.
Color me PEA GREEN WITH ENVY.
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I mentioned that my mom doesn't want me to give an explanation about something she is discussing with me and she says my voice is very annoying. She will hold her ears and head. She wears hearing aids, but sometimes she's fine when I speak. I'm trying to learn about Dementia too.

Also, my Dad wants to buy a used car to go the supermarket, instead of using our car. Good, because I told him, to be honest if you kill or injure someone using my car - they will sue us and wipe our retirement out. I told you what he did in Florida crossing 3 lanes with oncoming traffic and stopping in the middle. I have no control right now to stop him from driving and I'm not getting involved. I'm finished - even if he kills himself - they know everything! Hate to sound mean - but, I'm done!
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sp196902 Sep 2024
"I have no control right now to stop him from driving and I'm not getting involved." You are already involved since you are letting him borrow your car. So stop letting him use your car.

Just don't take him to buy his own car. If he wants a car he will have to go on his own to make it happen.

Are you the one that will be paying for the insurance and car since you are supporting them financially? Please don't pay for this insanity.

If dad wants to go somewhere he can take an Uber or a taxi.

And why are you letting dad use your car anyway when you know what a poor driver he is?

Yes if he does kill or injure someone you can be sued for letting him use your car. My husbands brother died because someone let the POS borrow their car and the family sued their insurance, if the owner of the car had assets they would have sued them personally too for the death and debilitating injuries to BIL's wife who will be in a wheel chair for the rest of her life.
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My husband and you think along the same lines - he literally told me exactly what you said about her being the "employer" - and I am going to listen to both of you. The other thing about my parents is they always want to be recognized. My dad always complains that when someone visits with him he always says you think they would look at my photos on his office wall - or you think they would ask me questions about my traveling as a pilot. This all stems from their families not recognizing that they existed. Wow! We feel sorry for them, but this has been way too long of catering to their needs. I feel bad that I am talking about them now and at their ages and they only have a few more years left, but I better do it now then when they die.
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So I did Grey Rocking without realizing it. Ok. So I am going to sign off right now, but thank you once again. I'll stop by later tonight or tomorrow.
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Anxiety, sorry about the grandson part. I feel for anyone in situations like that.
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Is there another area I should be posting on?
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Again - she wanted to know how many blocks away that I have to bring the car back to my garage and walk back to the nail salon. In Florida, she waited for my Dad to pick her up with NO PROBLEM at all! Stop the nonsense Mom - please! I turned the tables on her and said - it's too far for you to walk on bricks - I live in Old Town Alexandria - historic area. I just totally ignored that we were talking about me driving back to my garage.
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waytomisery Sep 2024
Google

Grey Rock method .
And
detachment from toxic people
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Yes, Way - the home was built with their money that they had lots of years ago. You know, I can understand that they enjoy our company, but to become angry that we can't spend time with them? That is not normal! I said to my mom, my husband and I enjoy one another's company and watch movies that we enjoy together. They claim to be the "closest and most loving couple in the world" and yet they must be completely bored with one another. That happens, but you need to change that then. They lived - what one would say such a wonderful and adventurous life together - but that doesn't make you happy. It's way beyond loving your children - I think there are a lot of insecurities going on here. I mentioned to you guys that their own families were screwed up and they lost their son who became homeless. Lots of ISSUES and they are clutching at the only HOPE they have in life that will make them happy! I think by talking to you all that I am starting to figure it out myself. Even though I have traveled extensively, I have been living this lifestyle so long, I never realized what's going on. My parents thinks all of this is NORMAL!
PS: We had a flat tire before we went upstate one time and my mom said - Oh, you're not coming up this weekend? What the heck is wrong with this women?
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waytomisery Sep 2024
Now that the lightbulb has gone on over your head…..

You have acknowledgement .
Now MOVE FORWARD.

You will have days you slide , but keep trying , it is an uphill battle .

One day at a time, one battle at a time .
Try to stop reminiscing about the past as much as you can , I know it’s hard .
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By the way, my mom last night asked me - why doesn't your husband come up and rest up here - I said no - he took a pain killer and wants to rest on his own coach and then she knew I was leaving by me helping with a few routine things and I said love you again and left. I'm so shocked she hasn't said anything about me leaving - what's going on here? I know you guys are going to say - just wait for it!
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waytomisery Sep 2024
How about stopping the love bombing .
Rewarding Mom’s behavior with “ I Love you “, is just encouraging her behavior .

Adopt a much cooler tone . Act like Mom is a stranger , give her what she needs and ,
” Ok , you have what you need , it’s time for me to go “. And leave , without asking if she needs anything else .
Adopt a go in drop off and leave attitude .
And don’t fall for Mom calling you to bring her one thing at a time , cause she will do that . You go up once a day . She’ll have to wait .

Honestly , cut out the little girl act around Mom , stop being afraid of her .

Stop caring . Look at where it got you . You resent the fact that they used you all these years . They don’t deserve love and affection. They are manipulative users .
The bait is “ we are family “ . That’s crap . It’s a guilt trip to get you to do what they want . Honestly they should be living in a cardboard box now .
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I need to stop posting alot, but I was just telling my husband my parents were going to move to Costa Rica 29 years ago, but ended up in Florida - all of a sudden they want to be near family? They wanted us to pick-up and go visit them when they moved so far away? They were always like that doing things spur of the moment - drastic. Now it's - oh, don't you want to spend time with us? No, mom and dad - you left your mother and moved to Guatemala for 4 years and you moved away to Europe and Florida and then we went upstate NY for 4 years to visit them in their country log home, that we were obligated to go to because you spent the damn money on it. My husband's family owned a cabana on the beach on Long Island and we wanted to do that too, but no, we had to be "family" with them. My Dad yesterday is saying I made a mistake by moving up here. I said yes, you could have had help in your own apartment and stayed there, but no, we had to not think about it and run up to "family". They move away that far and then blame us for not being family oriented? Are they kidding us? My Dad already had plans for my husband's retirement by saying - oh I thought your husband and you would spend 3 months with us in Florida when he retires. Is he kidding us? You traveled the world with your wife and then expect us to sit in Florida with you? No, no Dad that ain't happening! That was said because they don't want us to go so far away at their ages now. See ya Mom and Dad - we're going like you left your family and you're not going to give us a guilt trip! Thank goodness we didn't have kids is right - what a disaster it would have been. As you all know, I'm starting to realize what happened in my life and REALLY resenting it.
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waytomisery Sep 2024
Your parents did all that moving around ,while you were helping support them because they bought your brother 7 houses . Now they have little to no money . Very wrong . Extreme dysfunction .
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In reply to Way's comment about laughing and teasing my mom after her tantrums - it's my way of coping with her and yes it is giving in to her. I am here to learn how not to do this.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2024
The laughing and teasing only pours gasoline on the fire and encourages more tantrums.

It's attention. All be it negative attention but attention just the same. Then you give in and resume catering to her demands.

You have to stop your ridiculous nonsense first. No more laughing and teasing when your mother is acting up and no more catering to her demands.

When you want to leave you say good-bye then go. Same with phone calls. Don't give her a chance to guilt-trip you or start acting up in other ways.

Don't meet her tantrums with teasing and laugher meet them with this statement.

'I refuse to play your games and be treated disrepectfully by you'.

Then walk the hell away and don't talk to her for a couple days.
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Hi Lost - where were you living in Italy and why - if you don't mind us knowing? I lived in Guatemala for 4 years - my parents just moved for the experience - went to part of high school there.

By the way, my family is from Calabria, Italy.
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My mother is the biggest micro-manager in history! I mentioned I am eating with them only because my husband has a feeding tube and I'm not cooking and don't want him to get nauseous. By accident I left a few crumbs in the middle of the table and she said be careful they'll fall on the floor - so tired of this - it's not funny anymore! This may sound trivial, but when you are raised by an obsessive compulsive person it's draining. I told you she was such a perfectionist I'm scared to do the wrong thing. Sorry to become so serious again.

Anyway, a few years ago, someone started "what are you having for dinner every night?" - does anyone remember that? We should do that again, except I'm not cooking - we're having PF Changs Chinese Frozen food every night. This is a mortal sin in an Italian family, but no one is up to cooking right now. Are you guys still doing that?
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waytomisery Sep 2024
Yes Romeo the dinner thread is still in Discussions .

I’m going to suggest a few things . Stop walking on eggshells . Stop caring what they think .

1) I know people say try to have some humor to get through . But in your case you need to let the angry direct you in the direction to stand up for yourself .

2) Don’t say “ Oh Mom”. Don’t do the gentle teasing or cajoling . She’s not getting the message .

3) Be blunt , brutally honest. Lose your filter woman !!

Tell Mom , what you tell us . You don’t want to hear her nonsense , you’ve had it , it’s obnoxious and whatever else comes to mind .

Also stop catering .
“ Mom that doesn’t work for me “
“ Mom that is not possible”
“ Mom I will not do that “ .
“ Mom you are being disrespecful”.
“ Mom I heard you but don’t agree , therefore I will not do that . “
“ Mom I will not come upstairs “.
“ Mom I don’t want to …..”.

And the best word ever . “ NO”

I know of what I speak . I had an OCD , NPD mother .
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Bechamel with lasagna - no way in hell!
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LostinPlace Sep 2024
Maybe the Becamel is a Ligurian thing (?). As you know, cooking and Italian dialects vary, depending on the area where you were born. For example. If you were born in Genova and you moved to Rapallo 20 years ago you are still considered a "foreigner".

As one person told me in Italy, "the reason why we lost the second world war is that nobody in Italy could understand what the other Italian person was saying."
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@Way, In Italy I think the hands-on caregiving is expected more of the women, but the sons have their heavy share of family obligations, too. Every family is somewhat different, depending on the personalities involved.

But when a Italian woman marries, she goes to live with her husband's family in the multigenerational home. No exceptions. And si, Romeo, sharing family meals is a serious thing . No introverted personality behavior seen at the family table, though- you must be animated, extroverted, opinionated, articulate, educated, and celebrate the meal. Lots of happy arguing and witty humor about topics, lots of good natured laughter. Good table manners are essential. No snarky behavior evident at the table. Children and teens are well behaved.
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waytomisery Sep 2024
Those meals sound too intense for me , I grew up you were to be calm during meals……… while eating our Swedish meatballs. Also You NEVER argued with the cook over how the meal was prepared , it was disrespectful . On a holiday , Mom was in charge , no deviations from her recipes or criticisms , no menu suggestions ever to be made . None of what Romeo described about arguing how somethlng is prepared .

But it does explain my daughter’s future Italian American father in law . I thought he was just intense, but maybe that’s just normal for him . We’ve had dinner with my daughter’s future in laws quite a few times , it’s hard to get a word in . His wife ( she’s not Italian ) and I are both sort of quiet people but we try to have our own little seperate conversations , while our two husbands chit chat . My husband is a talker as well although he’s not Italian . Sometimes we wives look at each other and roll our eyes about how our two husbands go on non stop.
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To be honest "Lost" I'm getting tired of the constant battles and drama over how to make eggplant parmagiana and frigin end up yelling at one another and then laughing about it - I don't find it funny anymore - it's quite irritating and obnoxious! I can't stand cooking in front of my mother - my husband hates it too - we're literally scared! We tease her about it, but when she's in action, mamma mia - watch out! It's very unpleasant to cook together - too serious! My husband and I cook together a lot and really big meals and we laugh, while drinking our wine and just have a ball - my parents are yelling at each other not having fun and miserable! Wow - lighten up people! Thank goodness they can't sit in the kitchen in their place now because my husband said, even though he's not feeling well, he'll make them clam sauce. If he did this in front of my mom - "forget about it"! The micro-managing would be insane! She actually loves his clam sauce and then she takes credit for it because she taught him. It never ends!
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LostinPlace Sep 2024
Oh yes, exactly Romeo. Don't EVER deviate from the tried and true recipe or what you are cooking isn't correct. For example, my husband cooked lasagna for our neighbors, they loved it, ate it all and said "this is Very good, but it isn't lasagna." (This is because we didn't use Bechamel.)
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Anxiety - Just like you, we had and have Mafioso friends, in fact John Gotti had one of my Dad's friends killed years and years ago, when Gotti was just coming around. What's funny is my maternal grandmother didn't even bake or cook for us, but my mother can really cook good. See - don't get me wrong, we really enjoy their company, I'm just tired of the "every" minute thing.
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