Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
Is it possible for you to go with him on this business trip? You could stay in a hotel nearby and self pay. That would be so much safer for him and reduce your anxiety. Plus, it would be a chance to get away from home for awhile.
Something to think about romeo.
Look, it's out of my hands and I'm sure he'll manage, but what will happen when he gets home - he collapses from the whole ordeal?
I also don't think his boss realizes the extent of his medical problems. If he did, shame on him for insisting he should be going. What kind of person does that? It sounds like a high pressure situation and he certainly will not be on his game.
Ask him what he plans to do if he keels over away from home and ends up in the hospital. What are his expectations as to what should happen if he can't get back home? Does he have a plan? What are his expectations as to what you should do given your situation with your family? There is a high likelihood that it could play out this way and he should really think about this.
His chances of getting sicker by traveling may put him in the hospital due to his weakened immune system and constant pain.
What's the worst they do fire him? He would have a great lawsuit if they did that.
Now's the time for him to take some sick leave or disability leave. I am sure his oncologist/doctor could write a scrip telling his work he is not able to fly or travel due to the feeding tube, constant pain and weakened immunity.
And how mobile is Mom? Get in & out of the car OK with just your Dad. Is she trustworthy as a passenger? Wears her seatbelt? Any yelling "Slow down!" in panic?
Any concerns that would decrease their safety?
I remember driving like a snail with my 80-something Grandma while she clutched on for dear life. She was a good passenger until her eyesight worsened.
Do you think it a wise decision he buy a car & drive?
(pf course)
You can mail it to
Number 2 Yellow Brick Road
Somewhere Special
No zip.
Use a Forever stamp. I have stuff going out from my will with them!
My love to all for this entertaining post. May it go on forever!
And may the USPS forever honor "forever" stamps.
I read your response to LostinPlace’s time living in Italy that you “have to go to Ireland….” I just wanted to let you know that Ireland is quite beautiful as well! One of our favorite countries to visit. Get your Green on!!
PS: I had a double mastectomy with NO reconstruction - totally flat - I had Stage II aggressive ER PR positive breast cancer with Lymphovascular Invasion - 5 years out. Had the horrible "Red Devil" chemo, no radiation - chose to remove breasts. Now on an aromatase inhibitor and suffering horrible joint pains and hot flashes, brain fog, nervousness, insomnia, gained 20 pounds, lost 20 pounds - just a basket case. Going for my next scan to see if lung nodules are metastatic. More worried about my husband. Hopefully, you are doing ok.
We lived in Santa Margherita Ligure on the water closer to Paraggi. In an UNESCO area. So beautiful.
We moved there after I got a false positive diagnosis for breast cancer - it took a full year afterwards to verify that the diagnosis was false. Luckily, I didn't have chemo or surgery before it was clear that I was negative for breast cancer. My husband and I were so giddy with relief that we sold our home and took the proceeds to live in Europe for 5 years; 4 years in Italy and 1 year in France. These were the best years of my life. And we were young and healthy enough to enjoy the experiences fully.
I'd give almost anything to move back to Italy, but now we are too old to deal with Italy's lovely chaos, the day to day magical carnival of living in Italy...the feast for all the senses.
All the trompe le oeil--MAGNIFICENT.
Color me PEA GREEN WITH ENVY.
Also, my Dad wants to buy a used car to go the supermarket, instead of using our car. Good, because I told him, to be honest if you kill or injure someone using my car - they will sue us and wipe our retirement out. I told you what he did in Florida crossing 3 lanes with oncoming traffic and stopping in the middle. I have no control right now to stop him from driving and I'm not getting involved. I'm finished - even if he kills himself - they know everything! Hate to sound mean - but, I'm done!
Just don't take him to buy his own car. If he wants a car he will have to go on his own to make it happen.
Are you the one that will be paying for the insurance and car since you are supporting them financially? Please don't pay for this insanity.
If dad wants to go somewhere he can take an Uber or a taxi.
And why are you letting dad use your car anyway when you know what a poor driver he is?
Yes if he does kill or injure someone you can be sued for letting him use your car. My husbands brother died because someone let the POS borrow their car and the family sued their insurance, if the owner of the car had assets they would have sued them personally too for the death and debilitating injuries to BIL's wife who will be in a wheel chair for the rest of her life.
Grey Rock method .
And
detachment from toxic people
PS: We had a flat tire before we went upstate one time and my mom said - Oh, you're not coming up this weekend? What the heck is wrong with this women?
You have acknowledgement .
Now MOVE FORWARD.
You will have days you slide , but keep trying , it is an uphill battle .
One day at a time, one battle at a time .
Try to stop reminiscing about the past as much as you can , I know it’s hard .
Rewarding Mom’s behavior with “ I Love you “, is just encouraging her behavior .
Adopt a much cooler tone . Act like Mom is a stranger , give her what she needs and ,
” Ok , you have what you need , it’s time for me to go “. And leave , without asking if she needs anything else .
Adopt a go in drop off and leave attitude .
And don’t fall for Mom calling you to bring her one thing at a time , cause she will do that . You go up once a day . She’ll have to wait .
Honestly , cut out the little girl act around Mom , stop being afraid of her .
Stop caring . Look at where it got you . You resent the fact that they used you all these years . They don’t deserve love and affection. They are manipulative users .
The bait is “ we are family “ . That’s crap . It’s a guilt trip to get you to do what they want . Honestly they should be living in a cardboard box now .
It's attention. All be it negative attention but attention just the same. Then you give in and resume catering to her demands.
You have to stop your ridiculous nonsense first. No more laughing and teasing when your mother is acting up and no more catering to her demands.
When you want to leave you say good-bye then go. Same with phone calls. Don't give her a chance to guilt-trip you or start acting up in other ways.
Don't meet her tantrums with teasing and laugher meet them with this statement.
'I refuse to play your games and be treated disrepectfully by you'.
Then walk the hell away and don't talk to her for a couple days.
By the way, my family is from Calabria, Italy.
Anyway, a few years ago, someone started "what are you having for dinner every night?" - does anyone remember that? We should do that again, except I'm not cooking - we're having PF Changs Chinese Frozen food every night. This is a mortal sin in an Italian family, but no one is up to cooking right now. Are you guys still doing that?
I’m going to suggest a few things . Stop walking on eggshells . Stop caring what they think .
1) I know people say try to have some humor to get through . But in your case you need to let the angry direct you in the direction to stand up for yourself .
2) Don’t say “ Oh Mom”. Don’t do the gentle teasing or cajoling . She’s not getting the message .
3) Be blunt , brutally honest. Lose your filter woman !!
Tell Mom , what you tell us . You don’t want to hear her nonsense , you’ve had it , it’s obnoxious and whatever else comes to mind .
Also stop catering .
“ Mom that doesn’t work for me “
“ Mom that is not possible”
“ Mom I will not do that “ .
“ Mom you are being disrespecful”.
“ Mom I heard you but don’t agree , therefore I will not do that . “
“ Mom I will not come upstairs “.
“ Mom I don’t want to …..”.
And the best word ever . “ NO”
I know of what I speak . I had an OCD , NPD mother .
As one person told me in Italy, "the reason why we lost the second world war is that nobody in Italy could understand what the other Italian person was saying."
But when a Italian woman marries, she goes to live with her husband's family in the multigenerational home. No exceptions. And si, Romeo, sharing family meals is a serious thing . No introverted personality behavior seen at the family table, though- you must be animated, extroverted, opinionated, articulate, educated, and celebrate the meal. Lots of happy arguing and witty humor about topics, lots of good natured laughter. Good table manners are essential. No snarky behavior evident at the table. Children and teens are well behaved.
But it does explain my daughter’s future Italian American father in law . I thought he was just intense, but maybe that’s just normal for him . We’ve had dinner with my daughter’s future in laws quite a few times , it’s hard to get a word in . His wife ( she’s not Italian ) and I are both sort of quiet people but we try to have our own little seperate conversations , while our two husbands chit chat . My husband is a talker as well although he’s not Italian . Sometimes we wives look at each other and roll our eyes about how our two husbands go on non stop.