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Your parents need to be in an Assisted Living. They cannot function on their own. Thats the only way you are going to get some freedom. Sorry, you made this problem allowing them to be dependent on you all these years. Now they are 90 and you cannot now set boundaries because you too are now a Senior and don't want to do it anymore.

I might as well have been an only child. My sister died, brother #1 lives 8 hrs away and brother #2 was never around. It was all on me. Oldest child and a girl. I loved my parents and had a strong Mom. Dad went on Social Security Disability at 52. Mom took care of him till the day he died at 79. He was not bedridden till the last month of his life. She never asked for help. I was only asked to drive him to appts she was not able to drive to. When he passed, she had her Church and other widowed friends she went out with. When she no longer was allowed to drive, we had a day a week we ran errands, once a week we went out to dinner and Church on Sunday. I did not owe my Mom my life. And she did not expect it.
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Even though I only saw them every 2 months for 29 years, I am tied to them MENTALLY. I am very disturbed by this right now. I am really going to try to calm down and not think about them. They make friends easily - all over the world they have friends and in Florida and wherever they lived, but they say they wouldn't bother with people in Assisted living. What??? My Dad said that they aren't ready for Assisted Living and the room was way too small and there's no stove. I told them, but for the room being small, it would be like living in a hotel - room service for food, making your beds, medicines taken care of, blood pressure taken, etc. I can understand that they have been very self-sufficient up until this year - where my Dad is screwing up my mom's pills, so I check them and his driving is questionable, so we will see what happens. I guess in one way, even the simplest thing of cooking a meal or making a bed helps them keep their mind going. Also, a lot of people who are taking care of their parents' needs now, just started - they haven't done this all of their lives - mentally or physically. I have been there and catered to their every whim all of my life - so I am done. I didn't mind and still don't mind, but I know what it did and is doing to me now. I went to every doctors appointment to support them even when they were young. I stayed home at night and kept my mom company while my Dad was on trips. I will have no regrets, but I am starting to feel bad that I am not being loyal by talking about them.
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MeDolly Sep 2024
Who babysits their mother when the husband is out of town and when younger goes to doctor appointments with them like they are little kids.

When they say jump you holler "How High", "How High"?

It is you, not them, you have created this situation, you cannot stop yourself, you have programmed yourself to be their servant...their savior.

All these rants are not resolving the issues that you have, please get the mental help that you need.
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Romeo, have you seen a mental health professional of any sort yet?
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No Barb - I didn't have time to. I just got yelled at again by my dad. I will tell you about it later. I can't take that! He has always been ashamed not to know something - maybe flying jets he had to know or you die. He had trouble with the remote so I took it out of his hands because his arthritic fingers are in the way and it's easier for me to show him in my hand. My mom said to him - I told you she would grab it out of your hand. So I replied - you both are being so mean to me and she said mean? He immediately panicked when I took the remote and said - I can't see it - you're not showing me!!!! I told him I am showing you and he screamed at me Ok Ok Ok. He has been like this all of his life and now even more so. I can't take this anymore!
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Beatty Sep 2024
Romeo, you are drowning in the small stuff & fluff of your parents lives. Everyday.

Taking less & less breathes for yourself. I guess eventually you will run out of air altogether & they will out live you.

Or you make changes.
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You can 'rant' all you want but it isn't going to fix the situation until you take action. Or is that the whole idea?
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I have a therapy place near. I'm going to call tomorrow.
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peace416 Sep 2024
I hope you do make that call and can get an appointment as soon as possible. Time to take your rants to a psychotherapist. Look at it also as an opportunity to be away from your parents for an hour or so.
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My memory is that Beatty warned us in the beginning that Romeo and his/her earlier names was a compulsive poster who was ‘all over the net’. That ‘warning’ seems to have been deleted.

However this thread has notched up 132 actual answers in less than 2 weeks (and I don’t think that includes comments that don’t rate as answers). Enough said! This is just fun for someone who thinks it’s fun and has nothing better to do.
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pamzimmrrt Sep 2024
Im having Lisa flashbacks. And I feel like Romeo is a bit lonely. Or bored?
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This is not from boredom - believe me - how can one be bored after breast cancer and my husband now having cancer. This is no joke. Yes, I probably created the boundary issue years ago when I was young. Some of your comments are insensitive - why are you on this site then answering my post? I used other names because I couldn't remember my password - silly. Writing is the only way I can stay sane at the moment. Like I said, why did you even answer this?
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Romeo, you remind me of a couple other past posters addicted to their parents’ problems. One kept paying mom to stay in hotels and now wonders why mom is now wanting a hotel in the same city as her daughter. The other stays around constantly for her father to feel important in relation to a brother whom she is jealous of and who treats her poorly.
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135 answers .

The simple answer to your original question regarding feeling like a prisoner is :

“ No Mom ( and/or Dad ) , I’m leaving now “. Period .
And leave.
No discussions , or explanations .
Stop sharing information with your parents about your life .

This answer works for a lot of your rants.
Leave . Don’t engage in any of your parent’s nonsense . They can not be reasoned with. They are not going to change . Don’t stick around in their home , drop food off and Run.
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I really can't stand drama, but if you think so - fine. I really could not care less and I'm going to stop ranting. Thank you for your advice.
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Romeo, I want to encourage you to not get into what others think your relationship for your entire life is or might have been with your parents. You have shared the love you all have for one another, all the amazing journeys that you shared and other stuff, this is the reality of your life. Others can not know and therefore any criticism or judgment about what they think your parents motives were are counterproductive to the current situation. Most of them can not imagine what a close, loving relationship with parents look like and base everything on their personal dysfunction with their parents.

It is absolutely NORMAL for people to get clingy, scared, dependant and difficult as they age, and the older they get the worse it gets, it doesn't change the truth of a life long loving relationship.

Because your parents are heading towards their end, it is important for you to come to terms with losing them and suddenly stepping away and not honoring your relationship with them will not be good for you, you will destroy your own heart by not being true to your feelings for your parents. Getting irritated, pissed, fed up and all the other negative things is normal for the caregiver, those emotions should not color the entire past reality of your relationship.

Obviously you need boundaries and a plan but, please do not disrespect what you know, from your own words, has been a friendship with your parents for your entire life.

Vent if you need to and learn to not read posts that are not helpful, that's what this forum is for, aging care support.

How did your husband do on his business trip?
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Romeo ,

When our parents get old and need our help , the relationship changes , that’s just a fact .

You need to set some boundaries .

“ I’m sorry Mom , that does not work for me “

“ I’m sorry , but that will not be possible “.

“I’m sorry , I need to get home and get back to my own chores now .”

”You have what you need , I’m going home now “.
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Romeo, let us know when your first appointment is.

Also, your going to therapy is NONE of your parents' business. You would be wise not to tell them that you are going.
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