My 92-year-old mother seems to be giving up on living. Has anyone experienced this?

GuvnaBee, you really have a challenge to keep tabs on your mom from 700 miles away. (And you deserve to be away. I'm not questioning that.) Two things might help. Hire a Geriatric Care Manager. Or place Mother in a care center.

Mother, of course, wants to stay in her home. It sounds like you have done everything possible to make that work for as long as it could. That fact of the matter is, most people with dementia cannot live in a private home with only one caregiver throughout the later stages. Dementia gets worse. What worked in the beginning may not work later on.

My mother had a broken hip that could not be fixed. She could not bear weight on that leg. The nursing home used a lifting machine and two aides to get her out of bed and position her in a comfortable wheelchair. Someone came and wheeled her to meals and activities. They used the machine and 2 persons each time she needed to use the bathroom. Mom also had dementia. I can't imagine her getting as much stimulation, attention, and care in a private home. She was quite content in her last 2 and a half years in the nursing home. She died at age 94.

A care center might be very good for your mother.

Meanwhile, if you mum needs high blood pressure meds don't discontinue them without talking to the doctor! Risk of a stroke is serious. Ask for other ways to prevent dehydration.

Mum is 92, has dementia, high blood pressure, and possibly depression. She is tired. Maybe some days she should be allowed to stay in bed. I think a nursing home would have staff that would be a good judge of that, and staff that could provide as much assistance as she needed with getting out of bed and getting around.

She says she wants to die. At 92 I think that is probably better than being afraid of dying, don't you? I heard this from my husband early in his dementia. I replied, "Yes, and you will die. Everyone dies eventually. We are not in control of when that will be. I want to help you have a pleasant life until it is your time to die."

GuvnaBee, if we put ourselves into an elder parents shoes to see life as they see it, it can be discouraging. Gone is one's independence... no longer able to drive... no longer able to walk where one wants.... one's hearing and eyesight is not as sharp... one's siblings and cousins, plus friends, have either moved away or passed on. My gosh, one now needs help getting to the bathroom. And food has very little taste.

I remember my Dad [94] was doing ok living at home with a caregiver, but he really perked up once he moved into senior living and was around people closer to his own generation. He made sure he was always on time for his meals in the main dining room... he had trouble walking but could move pretty well with his rolling walker... just don't get in his way if he was heading to that dining room :)

Just an option.

freqflyer, that is a very good description of the situation of many seniors. It is something we all need to stop and think about now and then.

Early in Coy's dementia we attended a seminar about Lewy Body Dementia, put on by the Mayo Clinic. For one part of it the persons with dementia went into a different room, and the caregivers had a separate presentation. The presenter asked us what we do to cheer ourselves up? What gives us pleasure? She wrote our answers on a flip chart. They included things like drive to the river and take a walking path, hiking, making cookies, putting on favorite music, taking a long bubble bath, etc.

Then the presenter went through the list, one by one, from the point of view of the person with dementia. Anything that involved driving was crossed off. Can no longer get in and out of bathtub. Hiking and long walks don't work. Can't remember how to operate the radio or other sources of music. Not allowed to use the stove alone and need assistance in the kitchen. We saw almost all of the things we do for pleasure removed from the list for persons with dementia. No wonder they are crabby! No wonder they want to stay in bed some days!

This was a very sobering experience. I remember that presentation 15 years later, though I've forgotten anything else from that day.

jeannegibbs, thanks for more excellent examples why an elder can be grumpy.

Even for myself, now 70 years old I am feeling my own age decline starting. Now it's a struggle to get out of a sedan, so I am sticking with my old SUV which is so much easier.

I am ready to invent some type of cat little box that one can raise up and not have to squat in front of it to scoop it out. Darn if I now I am having issues trying to stand up :P

When I was a decade younger, I never realized that the older generation was going through some of this.

Oh, and what is it with napping after lunch? I use to chuckle when my parents did it, now I am doing it. Seriously !! Glad I am on-call for work in the afternoons as the telephone will wake me up :P

First, let me say it is nice to see a son taking care of his Mom! I think what your mom is going through is quit normal. Having been a school teacher, here she is at a place in her life where she no longer feels like she is contributing. That is depressing and makes people give up hope. I have no idea what your mother's personality is like....such as does she enjoy company, visits, etc. The dementia will definitely worsen, as will the balance issues. For your peace of mind and with you working so far away, I really think I would check into some care facilities close to where you live. She won't like leaving her home, but if you can get her involved in activities ( and a REALLY good care center will have plenty), she may find a renewed interest in life. Also being close you could visit her often and be a part of her final days and supervise her care. These choices are never easy and no one knows what is best for your individual situation but you. Just keep being a loving, caring son and your will find your way! Blessings to you and your mom!

My mom is 80 years old, acts like she is 100. She has had chronic depression all her life. Runs in her family. Now adding Diabetes and Dementia to the mix it is really bad. She has laid in her urine, has had many UTI's and also got C-Diff from antibiotic's. I thought she was going to die from that. I have done everything to make her happy. She does not like aging and really wants to die. Medications and counseling have not worked . When elder's hit a certain mind set , it is nearly impossible to do much at all. Take care of yourself. I know it has effected me to the point that I was sick all the time and did not care to continue myself. Mom is not acting like my mom used to. I love her more then words can say. After 6 years with my Dad passing I have been through a lot. Cried a river, screamed, gotten angry, and finally starting to accept the things I cannot change. Do some things that you enjoy and know when God is ready she will go until then I do not think you can do much but when you see her hug her and tell her you love her , which I am sure your doing.

Put yourself in her shoes: Do YOU want to live forever? OMG...I am only 60 but after the last 2 years of back surgeries and non stop pain I would embrace death.

Perhaps antidepressants are helpful--I've not found them to be so in elders. Maybe go visit her, see what she's really feeling and accept that at 92, being OK with dying is perfectly normal. We're all going to go, one day.
Maybe you are the one who needs to accept this. Make sure mom is well cared for, and prepare yourself for the inevitable.

It seems like people sometimes tend to do this when they know their time is nearing the end, I had an elderly friend do this. He did very similar to what you're describing and even started not taking very good care of himself to the point he was even neglecting his breathing treatments on the nebulizer. He had COPD and he even went so far as to eat mostly dry foods and he wouldn't drink enough fluids, causing himself infections along with self inflicted injuries. He eventually had to be involuntarily placed in a nursing home and then taken to a medical center where he died. I'm not sure there's going to be much you can do if the person is determined enough that they want to die. Sadly enough though, I think this is exactly what euthanasia is for. I don't know how many states legalize euthanasia for certain cases, but there are some cases this has been permitted for. I don't even like to bring it up because it's not even biblical. We were never intended to take our own lives or help others do so. The best thing you can do is just do what you can and let the rest go if you find yourself unable to do the rest because obviously there's not going to be much you can do. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it"

I took care of my 96 year old Mother in law that had her full cognitive ability but other health issues were setting in that made it difficult for her. She would often say to me that "I do not know why I am still here" She was in assisted living and really liked there but all her friends were gone. Her only child, my wife was in the same facility but in Memory Care with advanced Alzheimer's. She did not want her daughter to die before her and she was getting tired of fighting other health issues. I told her at my age it is hard to understand about giving up on Life. I told her I journal everyday about her and my wife and I said when I get to be 96 I will read my journal and I then I may understand more of what she was saying. I told her I support anything she wishes to do and she did make the final decision not to be treated. Her three wishes was to see her grandchildren one more time, die before her daughter, my wife and for me to be there with her when she passed. She and I accomplished all three of her wishes In the week and half it took for her pass when she refused medication and food. I was really proud of her for taking control of her final days and doing it her way. Yes I miss her and emotionally it was hard but she had a good life and was well thought of by friends and family.

I have exactly the same problem; my mother is 93. She has peripheral(/) neuropathy and has pain and balance issues to the point that she only leaves the house when I take her to the hairdresser. She is extremely mentally competent. All I hear is "don't get old," and "I don't know why I'm still here," and "why can't I die?" These people were very active when younger. They are depressed and bored to death because they can't do anything any more. My Mom can fortunately take care of her personal hygiene, but she can't cook, wash dishes (can't let go of the cane). She says everybody she knew is dead, and she has no one to talk to but me. She lives with me. This has been hard on both of us, but I don't think there is anything anyone can do but see that she can get to the car to go out to dinner once in a while. My Mom won't even let me ask her two remaining friends to come to the house. She won't let them pick her up because she's afraid to drive with them. She was a good driver at 91, believe it or not; the problem came that when she reached her destination, she can't handle herself to get out of the car and walk. I wish I knew what to do, also, but doctor has said there isn't anything to do.