He recently lost his wife in February and is very sad and lonely and doesn't have many local friends and relies on visits from our small family as we can. He is currently battling bone cancer which makes him exhausted and has no energy to do anything other than normal household chores and grocery shopping but has no real community other than a few neighbors who check in on him from time to time. He is lonely and struggling. How can we gently get him engaged in community (he won't go back to church as they come to his house on Sunday for small worship time) and won't go into assisted living where we feel he would thrive. He has a very large home that he is taking care of but doesn't have the means to move. Any advice would be welcomed at this point. He said he doesn't want to move in with family and wants to stay near his doctors and hospital. He is about an hour and a half away from family and we visit as often as we can but he needs more socialization to keep him going we think. We are worried about depression etc. at this point and not sure if there is anything out there that we could afford to do for him ie. in home visiting care, etc. He is a veteran and qualifies for assistance if the doctor would deem it necessary but at this point he is able to do everything on his own. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thank you.
My dad now lives with us but into his 80’s he was happy in his house
so we’d have him with us at holidays
easter-Christmas-
and he hit had to it and liked it until he actually stayed hinting to live with us
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other angles can be daily calls to check in and have a 10 min chat
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you say not in a position to move
many agents have options tohelp
of course it means they benefit as well
but I Would think a small bungalow nearer to you would be nice (-depends if he feels safe where he currently is)
maybe a rota to spread calls out so everyone helps
n just take 10 minutes out fir a quick chat
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90+ year old- it’s a challenge dressing - and painful a well - he may just not be up to going out
maybe healthpeople can give ima wheelchair to move around in
i don’t think his health would allow him to comfortably go out socialising again
Does he do simple jigsaw puzzles?
when visiting does anyone get involved with him- us fjr exampke- my sister sits and watches antique road show with my dad chatting about items
you should hear them - like a budgie cage! Yakking away
maybe getting involved like that can help
good luck
Maybe your dad would like to make phone calls or maybe get a phone call.
Is there an Adult Day program near him? Typically they will pick up a participant and transport them to the Program. A Breakfast, Lunch and snack are usually provided. there are activities and some have "field trips" your dad could participate in as much or as little as he would like.
There are Volunteer groups that will send someone to visit. They can do no "hands on" care but just visit for a while.
He could hire contact an agency and get a Companion sitter. Will not do a lot of care but they can do some light household tasks. It might be a good idea if he had a caregiver though. They can do more when it comes to helping him personally.
The fact that your dad is lonely and struggling with some isolation I would think the doctor should recommend a caregiver based solely on that.
A bit off subject please look into your dad's % of Service Connected Disability. The info is changing all the time and he may qualify for far more benefits than he is currently getting. You can contact your (or his) local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help with that.
Maybe you could encourage him to have a house cleaner come in to relieve him of some of that.
Try to reach out to the local VA and see if they have a program where veterans will visit him .
Maybe have some meals sent to him to cut back on his need to go grocery shopping.
God bless!
He once told me that all his friends had died and he spent all of his time in his chair watching TV. When I call now (I live five states away), he'll say he can't talk because he's playing Rummikub with some others, or is busy.
Even if things don't work out after the respite, it will give you/your family the break that it's intended for
Also, you can hire companion care from an agency. I registered my husband with such an agency, which happened to be Visiting Angels, but there were several other good ones who provided companions as well. The companion sits with the elder, can drive them to get ice cream or lunch, watch TV with them, engage them in conversation about what they did for a living, etc. They were always personable and DH enjoyed them. Once you're registered with the agency, you can request any care, such as driving to appointments, a CNA to stay with them after a medical procedure. They will also do mild housework, such as loading the dishwasher.
There are lots of ways to help. In your dad's case, I wouldn't advise too many things outside that require too much energy, or expect too much. Someone just to be there while he's napping or to chat with if he feels like it is enough.
Gratefully yours.
Think about friends and relatives who don't live nearby but if you get in touch with them, they'd be glad to call or facetime with him, either once or on a regular basis. Some of them might be homebound too and the opportunity would benefit them as well.
It's true that some people who would thrive from the socialization in a senior facility community but they are stubborn and you just can't force them to go,
Maybe consider having him hire a male companion aid to help him every day for a few hours, get some chores done, play games, shoot the breeze watch tv together, and take him out on errands? I hired a fantastic companion aid from an agency for my 2 Aunts and she was just amazing. They had her 5 days a week for 6 years and she was like family. They were resistant at first, so I started slow and worked up more hours. Introverts especially won't adjust to loss of privacy right away, but then I think the benefit to them will outweigh that change. I told them the aid was for more for me, since they were in FL and I lived in MN and couldn't help them as much as I wanted.
I also asked them if they could stop doing 1 task that they really disliked, what would it be. And then I told them the aid would take that off their plate for them. They also weren't driving anymore and I think they liked the idea of having the freedom to go out wherever they wanted with the aid.
He may say "no" immediately but leave the conversation with an open invitation for him to change his mind at any time and you will put the wheels in motion for him. This is what I did with my Aunts and it took them about 4 months to think about it and then they called me up one day and said they wanted an aid.
I'm sorry you're in this position. It's hard to see our big strong father's struggling in any way and we want to jump in and fix things for them. Sometimes we can't do that though, unless THEY want our help. Perhaps ask dad how you can help him? That may open up a door to a new conversation.
Best of luck to you.