My widowed dad is 91. He has diabetes, kidney disease, gout, edema and occasional incontinence. He is overweight and not in good physical shape. He also has some age related memory loss and sometimes gets confused. But he still lives on his own in his house, drives, gets his groceries. He is very independent and refuses home care. He owned his own business and he has that self made man identity that makes him unable to see how much his own abilities have diminished.
He got it into his head that now that his dog has died he wants to travel and he invited himself onto our trip to Maui next February. There is no way he is going. He can barely walk two blocks without needing to sit down. He has fallen a number of times in the last few years and ended up in emergency twice. And while he can remember how to get around the small town he lives in, I could not trust him to go anywhere on his own in Maui without getting lost. He has trouble operating the phone on his iPhone and sometimes forgets his pin on his debit/credit card. He would need a constant chaperone and many places we like to go, like beaches for snorkeling and surfing or trails for walks and hikes he just couldn’t go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I could make this work for him but every scenario leads to a trip that is going to be miserable for me and my spouse and has a decent chance of Dad ending up in a Maui hospital, which is a big problem because we all live on the west coast of Canada.
It breaks my heart to tell him that he is too old and frail to do this kind of long distance travel. I know he will be upset. And yes, a part of me feels guilty and selfish, but my spouse and I work hard and need this vacation for us. I am my Dad’s primary caregiver and I get burnt out and need time away from caring for him. Anyone been through this? How did you handle it?
I wonder if at some level maybe Dad knows this..
Start researching Senior Assisted Living places that take people in for temporary respite time. Find out what it costs, how it works & if Dad is eligible. (Where I live a needs assessment is required first & it is partially funded by the Gov, the rest self-funded).
Ok yes, 'assisted living' is a fancy version of 'old age homes' but before you write it off..
A place that has full meals provided, a decent room & activities that he may like (not just ladies doing flower arranging) well it WILL give him a change of scene, new people to meet, a break from cooking & other chores.
Anyway, that's one idea.
PS. Dad's motivation to join you on hols may actually be caused by feeling anxious to stay home without your help.
There are so many reasons why he can't go. The edema would be my main reason. I flew home Air Canada from Vancover to Toronto back to the States. The flight to Vancover was almost 5 hours. We flew economy and we had hardly any leg room. Had a hard time crossing my legs. Were like sardines. I just read from Vancouver to Hawaii is over 6 hours. Incontinence is the other thing. Those bathrooms are very small.
I am sure this trip is going to be very expensive. Its your recharging time and you do not need to have Dad along. You want to enjoy it with no worrys. Just tell him that this is a second honeymoon for you and DH and that sorry, your doing it alone.
It's also time to have a candid conversation with your dad about his limitations and become more realistic about what he can and cannot do. His needs are only going to increase. It's better to start managing his expectations of himself and of you sooner rather than later.
If THAT works, promise another at some time in the future. If NOT, cut back to a ride, a great lunch, and an afternoon away, then home?
Do not sacrifice YOUR opportunity for misplaced guilt. You and your husband have needs and you are a kind and loving child to your dad.
It may be time for you to begin adjusting to the fact that sooner or later (probably sooner), he will need much more help, whether he “wants” it or not. “Reality” right now is ultimately more fair and loving than allowing him to think that he’s more capable/independent than he actually is.
Super tough for both caregiver and declining elder.
As for the guilt, have a mai tai on the beach. In fact, have two or three. Trust me, the guilt will simply melt away with the tide like a sand castle.
Most importantly, have a wonderful time and enjoy your vacation.
I sympathize with you but on the other hand I've always felt that while it's difficult I think pussy footing around things when it comes to dealing with this type of situation is a waste of time.
I think sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. You just have to be straight with your dad. He may not understand but truly if you wait for a person with cognitive issues to understand, the dateline for your trip will have come and gone and you will be no further ahead.
If you have arrangements in place for his care for while you are gone just go and have a good time. His feelings may be hurt but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Make it up to him somehow when you return.
Life shouldn't have to stop for us when we are caring for someone. I don't think you'd want that for someone who may be caring for you in the future.
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