My 90 year old mother who still lives independently is so nasty and vindictive toward me and I don't know why.

I have looked after her best interests for over 17 years since she had illiostomy surgery when there are 5 siblings in the family that at the time never lifted a finger.

I have one sister and her husband who have worked in aged care all their lives and tried to have her put into Nursing Care years ago and now they are the Golden Haired Children.

They been deceitful behind her back and I called them out for their crap to my mother and she still beleives them over me.

I have never felt so heartbroken in my life.

I have my hubby who has been amazing and some good friends who say the same as my hubby "Stay away from her she will destroy you"

I now have high blood pressure, extreme anxiety and spend my days crying as I dont understand why she is doing this.

She is spiteful, vindictive and my sister has managed to alienate each sibling one by one and now it's my turn as I am the last one standing so to speak that she can get Mum to take out of her affairs.

They patronise her, suck up to her (excuse the pun) and swalmy to her.

She thrives on the fuss and attention but I can see through them and so can the rest of my siblings.

My other sister tells me I just have to suck it up as she is my mother.

She lives 8 hours away so she doesn't have to put up with this behaviour.

My hubby lost his mother when he was 3 and it breaks his heart to see me in this state but as he said.

"Nothing is going to change so stay away" but the more I stay away the nastier she gets.

I am desperately needing support and contacted the local councillor at the local Hospital and they never got back to me for 6 weeks.

That is no help.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't like having to say this, but, I am living with the aftermath of elderly parents turning on me. Be careful!!
My mother and stepfather bore false witness against me to the police after he fell down while approaching me angrily one fateful evening. I went to stay with them during summers of 2018. I spent Labor Day Weekend with a friend close by as in less than a half mile. I spoke to my mom each day, yet she did not relay the information to my step dad. He's hard of hearing and does not talk on the phone. She made a point to share with me on the phone the last morning away that he is "very pissed" at me. When I braved enough to return, I asked her why is he so mad at me? She froze for a bit then said, "You didn't come home." I was 51 at the time and like I said, her and I talked each day and I had offered to come back and help with anything needed. When he heard my mother and I, He came around the corner without his walker calling me obscenities. We both looked shocked when he became unsteady and fell. He told her to get the neighbor and me to leave. His anger was out of proportion; it was surreal. The next day I was arrested and sent to jail for "Elder Abuse" and had an ERO against me. I plead "not guilty" and it was dragged out for 9 months and I'm still "dealing" with it. Being an ex cop who knows how to work the system, his statement got me out of the home quickly with legal muscle but, neither one of them were aware that their statements would be sending me to jail. There was so much anger within him and cold reflection from my mother. I didn't understand how dementia effects people, but, since that fateful day I am and will be very skeptical of being alone around angry elderly people and I pray I don't become angry as I age.
Take care of yourself. She made her life and you need to protect yourself. It is not selfish, it is necessary!
Helpful Answer (6)
anonymous828521 Oct 25, 2019
Dear givmebreak, I'm so sorry for what happened to you... What a terrible injustice! Wishing you the best going forward
My mother is 94 and is the same as your mother, I decided that I would no longer be her punching bag, so I went no contact, now her son the Golden Boy is now stuck with her. He is at the end of his rope too.

It has been 8 years, to me, she died then. I am at peace with my decision.

Perhaps it is time for you to move on, let your siblings deal with her.

I understand and am sorry that you are going thru this.
Helpful Answer (7)

Please don't drive yourself crazy over this Pips, cuz it will probably go on for many years...(as it did for many of us here). Detach from needing her to approve of you, (& yes it hurts like hell). We may never know why these things happen, but trying to solve that puzzle can kill you. It's ok to grieve over it, (cuz it's an insult & a loss), but then move past it please, so u can survive. Some of us here have used 'grey rock' technique, which helps us detach from toxic LO. (Google & see: it's a real thing!)
Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Pipsqueak Nov 19, 2019
Hi there anonymous828521
Thank you for your words of support. I am struggling even more now as my sister (the one that was called out for lying about mothers Unity Care Package) seized an opportunity to go around to mothers when my brother and his wife (whom my sister has not spoken to for years and has backstabbed them so bad) were at Mums on the Saturday gone and anialated me to them and when I found out that my mother was there during the whole conversation that cut even deeper. The level of two faced mentality has literally put me in a state of absolute shock, disgust and anger. I got a text from my sister in law telling me to "Get off my soapbox and stop carrying on and make peace with my mother and by carrying on like you do you are playing into $$ and ^^'s hands" What they do not get is that they live 7 hours away and only stay one night so while they are at mothers she is on her best behaviour. We have been down this road before.Trying to talk things out with all of them. I decided to call my sister in law back (who havent spoken to hubby and I for over 4 years because of my backstabbing sister) and my brother answered the phone. He started getting angry as he told me how my sister had told him I had said this that and the other about him which were all lies. I ended up just going quiet for a while and he said to me "Are you still there" I said to him. "After all the backstabbing and trouble making &^^ and ^%%$ have done and caused it is obvious you still beleive her over me" That is how manipulative they are. My brother then said he was going to call my eldest brother and tell him what was going on which I have not mentioned any of this too as he has just had a tumour taken from behind his eye and has had a lot of treatment and I dont think he needs the dramas. But! my brother being the person he is would have rang my eldest brother who would have already called mother and she would have told him a pack of lies so I am going to cop it again trust me. Our amazing neice suggested I call my eldest brother and tell him my side of the story without being nasty (which I would not be anyway as I have always been the peacemaker and the dart board) but I honestly do not know what to do.. Any advice is appreciated but we are not going around to mothers for her birthday thats for sure. To think that her and my sister can sit there and allow me to be fed to the lions is pure evil and incorrigable behaviour.
I’m so sorry to hear you are essentially burnt out trying to help your mum. That she doesn’t recognise this and and your concerns regarding your sister and her husband,
Sometimes you have to take a step back - for your own health. You would be no use to fight your sister and cope with your mum if you continue to decline re depression, anxiety and blood pressure.
Please take time out to enjoy simple pleasures, they don’t have to cost anything, a special song and meal with your lovely husband, watching a sun rise/set, a walk. Whatever it is that you might enjoy.
Should you need to visit your mum, smile, remember all the good times before, chat to her about them. If she’s unpleasant go thump (plump) a cushion in another room for a few minutes.
but if it’s getting too much - you need to take a break from caring for her and fighting your sister in order you do not burn out completely.

Your health and your husband are important - value them too.

Please stay in touch - there’s many great folk here who know exactly what you are going through
Helpful Answer (2)
anonymous828521 Oct 24, 2019
👍 DareD!
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter