Is he on any medication? If he is, they clearly aren’t working. Maybe different dosage or different meds would help.
If that doesn’t work I would suggest separating them. Dad could be placed in a facility so mom would no longer be bothered by him. Mom should be able to feel safe in her own home.
I am wondering if your father is much changed of late? Suffering from dementia or UTI or other illness? Or has he pretty much always been the guy he is right now?
I am glad that you have Hospice. I think that, since you describe your dad as being verbally abusive all the way round, you should discuss this with Hospice Social Worker, Clergy and nursing staff. They may decide with you that it were best Mom receive her Hospice in facility in order to keep her comfortable and feeling safe.
I hope you will update us on this, and I am so sorry you are going through it. Has to be so heartbreaking.
We had this problem with my FIL. The drug Risperdal helped calm down a lot of his behavior.
When they moved into a nursing home together, all of their siblings on both sides wanted them separated. We did separate them, but not for very long, MIL kept sneaking into his room.
FIL lost his "sit up" suspended triangle after hitting an aide with it. We began to understand why the previous nursing home used to wind FIL up in a sheet cocoon with only his face showing. They called it "massage therapy".
The new doctor stopped a lot of his old meds and added the Risperdal - the new doctor said so many of the meds just weren't necessary or were written at too high a dosage for a senior without legs.
OMGOODNESS, they need to be separated. Its not easy but it is the safest. Mom and Dad will not know if the other is not there both are too sick to know. Do what is best for them and you. This way you do not need to have arguments. Blessings sent your way!
Your poor mother deserves to be able to die in peace, so if they're still living together, one of them needs to go elsewhere. Preferably your father, as his dementia will only continue to get worse. Start looking today for a memory care facility that will take him, and let your mother have some peace before she leaves this world for the next.
My stepfather was very verbally abusive and demanding to his wife. They were together in AL, she had dementia and his health was deteriorating at lightning speed.
We were in the process of separating them, she in MC and he in AL, same facility.
He died before we got the move done. She is now in MC.
Daughter1930 is right. If his verbal abuse is upsetting to your mother who is under hospice care then they should be separated. I don't know what kind of dementia your father has or how advanced it is. I do know that I was a caregiver for 25 years to more verbally abusive and aggressive seniors with dementia than I can count. The caregivers and you yourself need to put him in his place. No one has to tolerate abuse whether it comes from a demented person or not. This is what I always did and it worked for me. Especially in situations where there are spouses or adult kids living together in one home. Tell his doctor that he needs to be prescribed sedation medications that can be put into his food and drink. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Sleeping medication too. Then at night when it's bedtime, lock him in his bedroom. Your poor mother in hopsice should not have to deal with his abusive, dementia nonsense. If he becomes too much to handle and medicating isn't enough, call an ambulance and do an 'ER' Dump. Ask one of the hospice social workers on your mother's case to further explain this to you. They will and they will help you. Good luck.
I support you in everything u say but legally you can not lock someone in their room, Its a form of abuse. If there is a fire, they can't get out. Are not aides mandated reporters? APS could be called in.
Your profile says that dad has a form of dementia. This makes him unable to listen to reason and be responsible for his behaviors. Speak with his doctor about what’s happening and ask for a medication to calm his agitation. Do not discuss this with dad at all. If this fails, you need to protect mom from harm and consider separating them
If that doesn’t work I would suggest separating them. Dad could be placed in a facility so mom would no longer be bothered by him. Mom should be able to feel safe in her own home.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I am wondering if your father is much changed of late?
Suffering from dementia or UTI or other illness?
Or has he pretty much always been the guy he is right now?
I am glad that you have Hospice.
I think that, since you describe your dad as being verbally abusive all the way round, you should discuss this with Hospice Social Worker, Clergy and nursing staff. They may decide with you that it were best Mom receive her Hospice in facility in order to keep her comfortable and feeling safe.
I hope you will update us on this, and I am so sorry you are going through it. Has to be so heartbreaking.
When they moved into a nursing home together, all of their siblings on both sides wanted them separated. We did separate them, but not for very long, MIL kept sneaking into his room.
FIL lost his "sit up" suspended triangle after hitting an aide with it. We began to understand why the previous nursing home used to wind FIL up in a sheet cocoon with only his face showing. They called it "massage therapy".
The new doctor stopped a lot of his old meds and added the Risperdal - the new doctor said so many of the meds just weren't necessary or were written at too high a dosage for a senior without legs.
Start looking today for a memory care facility that will take him, and let your mother have some peace before she leaves this world for the next.
We were in the process of separating them, she in MC and he in AL, same facility.
He died before we got the move done. She is now in MC.
I would separate them.
Sending support your way.
I don't know what kind of dementia your father has or how advanced it is.
I do know that I was a caregiver for 25 years to more verbally abusive and aggressive seniors with dementia than I can count. The caregivers and you yourself need to put him in his place. No one has to tolerate abuse whether it comes from a demented person or not. This is what I always did and it worked for me. Especially in situations where there are spouses or adult kids living together in one home.
Tell his doctor that he needs to be prescribed sedation medications that can be put into his food and drink. Don't even tell him he's being medicated. Sleeping medication too. Then at night when it's bedtime, lock him in his bedroom. Your poor mother in hopsice should not have to deal with his abusive, dementia nonsense.
If he becomes too much to handle and medicating isn't enough, call an ambulance and do an 'ER' Dump. Ask one of the hospice social workers on your mother's case to further explain this to you. They will and they will help you. Good luck.