She is living with my sis in law in a different time zone for past 10 months and returns to US in 10 days where she had lived with us for over 20 yrs. She keeps getting in arguments with her daughter and her son in Pakistan and complaining against them to my husband- he gets burnt out listening to her complaining and sorting out their issues and then he doesn’t share with me and unfortunately also stiffens up with me - i am tired of his relationship with his mother and siblings affecting my husband’s relationship with me…
and yes she has lived us for most of the 21 yrs since she got US citizenship and relocated here when she was in her mid 60s.
Hubby has told her many times not to call at odd hours, but she chooses to ignore.
Finally lately he has started to put his phone on do not disturb- but as you know this feature gets bypassed once someone calls you more than twice.
And she first complains against her other son and daughter whom she is visiting nowadays, my husband got infuriated at his sister for “not being nice” to mom, and yelled at his sister.
then mom started calling him to tell him to apologize for his yelling to her daughter- he resisted a bit but now is leaving messages to the sister daily to ask for her apology
its very very messed up. Mom in law plays with my husband’s emotions- he is a mama’s boy. And she has made sure she backbites against all her children to others. Since she has lived with us the most, the entire family hates me the most… even though i have cooked, laundered, grocery shopped and taken her to all her appointments, and my husband caters to “all” her wishes and more, therefore he is mama’s favorite. And i am not her daughter so even after her son ( my husband) yells at me she doesn’t ask him to apologize to me - as she id doing after he yelled at his sister due to mom’s complaints against her…. Which at this point i feel could be gaslighting and false.
when the kids were young we always had a babysitter whom she supervised and when babysitter was sick she would fill in. And now everytime there is an argument she boasts that she took care of my kids.
I do not want to leave the marriage at 52 because of kids and because hubby used to be a nice person for the first several years while we were both struggling and making our careers. Once he accomplished a higher paying job, he started turning mean.
He doesn’t believe he or his mother are at fault and does not believe in counseling.
Every time we have an argument he tells me that i can leave the house as its his mothers home …. Which by no means is true… i am a professional and have helped even my husband grow his career during the early years of our marriage- i brought a significant inheritance and added to my home down payment and future assets..
You say you don't want to leave the marriage because of kids, but what are you modeling for your children? Are you teaching your sons that their wives should be abused this way? Are you teaching your daughters that they should accept this kind of abuse? Consider breaking the cycle.
You are valuable and worthy and accomplished, and don't deserve this kind of attitude and treatment from your MIL or your husband.
Why doesn't your husband just turn his phone off?
What is the plan for where his mother will live when she returns in ten days?
Your DH needs to learn boundaries with his family , including turning off his phone at night .
If MIL is not a citizen where you live , this is a huge problem as she gets older and needs elderly care . She would not qualify for any government help . Taking this caregiving on at home is not advisable, it would likely break up your marriage . If MIL is a citizen only in Pakistan she should stay there for her increasing elderly years.
She also could have undiagnosed dementia .
Does your husband not have enough sense to turn off his phone when he goes to bed and let his moms calls go to voicemail? Apparently not, so honestly I can't feel too sorry for him as he's getting what he deserves by being so stupid as to leave his phone on overnight.
And I'm guessing because he does continue to answer the phone when his mom calls that he must be a mamas boy, and that in itself is a whole other issue and one I'm guessing you knew about before you married him.
Like already said this perhaps is more of a marriage issue than a MIL issue.
I hope that when she returns to the US that she won't be once again living with you and your husband, as that just can't be healthy for you or your marriage.
Might just be time for assisted living for you MIL where she will be around other folks her own age and you and your husband can work on your marriage.
Now you have decisions to make.
Has your husband ever considered turning his phone off while he sleeps? If he cannot even bring himself to do THAT, I fear you're doomed.
Good luck to you.
If so, figure out some reason that she can't, such as you can't have guests right now because you're being tested for XYZ disease and unable to take on more responsibility, or something. You and your husband need your own space!
If she shows up on your doorstep in the US, maybe you could go to Pakistan. The only way to have peace with this MIL is to put several oceans between you.
If your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling then I would leave it in his own hands how he will handle his mother. Make no comments. Try to be supportive; give no suggestions. Tell him you know he is capable of handling his mom's issues, and it is up to him how he chooses to do so. Tell him you hesitate to get between a mom and son. Give him a hug and move on. Certainly you can gently suggest that he may want to consider turning his phone off for some hours to give himself needed respite.