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She is living with my sis in law in a different time zone for past 10 months and returns to US in 10 days where she had lived with us for over 20 yrs. She keeps getting in arguments with her daughter and her son in Pakistan and complaining against them to my husband- he gets burnt out listening to her complaining and sorting out their issues and then he doesn’t share with me and unfortunately also stiffens up with me - i am tired of his relationship with his mother and siblings affecting my husband’s relationship with me…

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If you have money of yourvown and a good job, why put up with this abuse? If you did not co-mingle your inheritance with accts you share with husband, you do not have to share that in the divorce. I would rather be alone than with an abusive husband.
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Just sad that you think so little of yourself that you let yourself be treated like this by your husband. You don’t deserve this and you are better off without a user and abuser. Your marriage is your real problem and I suggest you alone start seeing a therapist to figure out why you are staying in an unhealthy relationship.
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She doesn’t have dementia
and yes she has lived us for most of the 21 yrs since she got US citizenship and relocated here when she was in her mid 60s.
Hubby has told her many times not to call at odd hours, but she chooses to ignore.
Finally lately he has started to put his phone on do not disturb- but as you know this feature gets bypassed once someone calls you more than twice.
And she first complains against her other son and daughter whom she is visiting nowadays, my husband got infuriated at his sister for “not being nice” to mom, and yelled at his sister.
then mom started calling him to tell him to apologize for his yelling to her daughter- he resisted a bit but now is leaving messages to the sister daily to ask for her apology

its very very messed up. Mom in law plays with my husband’s emotions- he is a mama’s boy. And she has made sure she backbites against all her children to others. Since she has lived with us the most, the entire family hates me the most… even though i have cooked, laundered, grocery shopped and taken her to all her appointments, and my husband caters to “all” her wishes and more, therefore he is mama’s favorite. And i am not her daughter so even after her son ( my husband) yells at me she doesn’t ask him to apologize to me - as she id doing after he yelled at his sister due to mom’s complaints against her…. Which at this point i feel could be gaslighting and false.
when the kids were young we always had a babysitter whom she supervised and when babysitter was sick she would fill in. And now everytime there is an argument she boasts that she took care of my kids.

I do not want to leave the marriage at 52 because of kids and because hubby used to be a nice person for the first several years while we were both struggling and making our careers. Once he accomplished a higher paying job, he started turning mean.

He doesn’t believe he or his mother are at fault and does not believe in counseling.
Every time we have an argument he tells me that i can leave the house as its his mothers home …. Which by no means is true… i am a professional and have helped even my husband grow his career during the early years of our marriage- i brought a significant inheritance and added to my home down payment and future assets..
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MG8522 Jan 6, 2025
Rasheeda, why in the world do you stay in this marriage? I suggest you see a therapist and a lawyer to get your finances in order. When your MIL returns home, immediately leave to go on a two-week trip. A vacation, or somewhere you can work remotely. Somewhere nearby if you need to go to your office be available to your children, like an airbnb, but not in the home. Let your mama's boy husband do ALL the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, and appointments for his mother during that time.

You say you don't want to leave the marriage because of kids, but what are you modeling for your children? Are you teaching your sons that their wives should be abused this way? Are you teaching your daughters that they should accept this kind of abuse? Consider breaking the cycle.

You are valuable and worthy and accomplished, and don't deserve this kind of attitude and treatment from your MIL or your husband.
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This kind of behavior -- obsessive calling at inappropriate hours -- actually is a sign of dementia.

Why doesn't your husband just turn his phone off?

What is the plan for where his mother will live when she returns in ten days?
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Beethoven13 Jan 6, 2025
Agree. Turn the phone off.
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Turn off the ringer on your landline. If a cell, put it on Do Not Disturb. If MIL cannot understand that she is calling in the middle of the night, there is some cognitive decline. What does dhe think your husband can to this far away from her.
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Marriage counseling .
Your DH needs to learn boundaries with his family , including turning off his phone at night .

If MIL is not a citizen where you live , this is a huge problem as she gets older and needs elderly care . She would not qualify for any government help . Taking this caregiving on at home is not advisable, it would likely break up your marriage . If MIL is a citizen only in Pakistan she should stay there for her increasing elderly years.

She also could have undiagnosed dementia .
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Hubby has no business listening to mom’s issues with others in the family, it’s simply not his problem. Not only should he not listen to it, he shouldn’t have the phone ringer turned on at all during his sleeping hours, nor should he be relating family drama back to you. What a tangled mess, a true marriage mess with an overindulged mother right in the middle of it all. Your decision comes to what you’re willing to sacrifice to this, if you believe marriage counseling would help, and what you’re willing to want for you own future. Only you can decide…I wish you well
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Why would anyone in their right mind continue to answer that many phone calls in the wee hours of the morning???
Does your husband not have enough sense to turn off his phone when he goes to bed and let his moms calls go to voicemail? Apparently not, so honestly I can't feel too sorry for him as he's getting what he deserves by being so stupid as to leave his phone on overnight.
And I'm guessing because he does continue to answer the phone when his mom calls that he must be a mamas boy, and that in itself is a whole other issue and one I'm guessing you knew about before you married him.
Like already said this perhaps is more of a marriage issue than a MIL issue.
I hope that when she returns to the US that she won't be once again living with you and your husband, as that just can't be healthy for you or your marriage.
Might just be time for assisted living for you MIL where she will be around other folks her own age and you and your husband can work on your marriage.
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Has your husband TOLD the woman she's waking him up and preventing his rest by calling him repeatedly in the middle of the night? If so, and she's still doing it, then she likely does have dementia and is returning to the USA with more issues than Newsweek this time! I'm sure you're expected to house and care for her, too, as that is the culture.

Now you have decisions to make.

Has your husband ever considered turning his phone off while he sleeps? If he cannot even bring himself to do THAT, I fear you're doomed.

Good luck to you.
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You don't say if, when she returns to the US, she will live with you and your husband again.

If so, figure out some reason that she can't, such as you can't have guests right now because you're being tested for XYZ disease and unable to take on more responsibility, or something. You and your husband need your own space!

If she shows up on your doorstep in the US, maybe you could go to Pakistan. The only way to have peace with this MIL is to put several oceans between you.
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This is a marriage problem, not an elder care problem. I would suggest marriage counseling in the new year.

If your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling then I would leave it in his own hands how he will handle his mother. Make no comments. Try to be supportive; give no suggestions. Tell him you know he is capable of handling his mom's issues, and it is up to him how he chooses to do so. Tell him you hesitate to get between a mom and son. Give him a hug and move on. Certainly you can gently suggest that he may want to consider turning his phone off for some hours to give himself needed respite.
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