Can’t walk at all. All day with no help. Both siblings feel this is ok. There are resources for a caretaker however they don’t feel it’s necessary. What can I do at this point?
This scenario is clearly not working. Perhaps the town's social worker needs to come in for an evaluation, since the sisters may be reluctant to believe your information that you may suggest.
Kitty06 You have gotte a wide range of responses, here. As I said in the earlier post; all the information is not in your post to make wise decision. I am sorry to see some have attacked you ( As you see some of us have people who don’t want to be intimately involved, yet want to control the situation, making our caregiving more stressful). I do not live in fear, and feel the need to be in total control. That being said I would take all the precautions to prevent a fire, and if she is truly bedridden she will not start one. I would not let an unlikely physical hazard override the emotional well-being of my mother not my siblings. As people have speculated it may be they want the money. I think there may be other reasons. Perhaps, they feel a responsibility to be the caregivers for her and they see her autonomy as a high priority for your mother. This is why I advised you all to talk. If there is tension between you and your sisters, agree on someone to be a facilitator, so everyone can be heard. With my parents, I have gone both extremes in some people’s minds, but my siblings are in agreement. That is why I suggested reading On Being Mortal. Each situation is unique, and you have to live with the decisions you make. As some have pointed out there are many critics along this path. I wish for you a path that brings peace to you and your family.
Thanks to all who responded. You all have great advice and I really appreciate it. I live over 5 hours away. I do go 2 times a week. I have a few health issues of my own so going anymore than that is difficult. But like I said I thank you all for your input and thoughts. I will try again to have that family meeting. Maybe this time it will make a difference.
You say "She is basically bedridden." and "Can’t walk at all." yet she is home "All day with no help." What does "basically" mean?
Does she have a bedside commode to use and can she get to it safely herself? If not, how can she go all day without using a bathroom? Is she wearing depends? If so, would someone leave a baby or toddler in soiled diapers all day? Good lord, think of what havoc that could do!!! What does she eat/drink all day and how does she get access to it? Others asked about bedsores - can she shift her position in bed to prevent this?
Personally I agree with you that this is not an ideal situation. You initially say "Both siblings feel this is ok.", but you also later say this is what your mother wants too (no one coming in.)
You are "told she has a phone." Who said this? Both sisters or sisters and mom or just mom? Is this a portable or wired? If it is portable, what happens if she drops it or the battery dies? If wired (especially if it is an cable/internet phone), service can get interrupted (includes the portable too) and unless the cable number is registered with emergency services, if she were unable to speak they would NOT be able to locate her! Medical emergencies can impede mom's ability to place a call for help.
If she is in bed all day, more than likely she naps or dozes off - smoke inhalation and even worse carbon monoxide can incapacitate quickly without waking you up! If she were left alone for quick trips, ok. All day? No. I presume this is the case because your sisters work. Are you currently also working? Can you or either of them provide any assistance by being there for at least some of the time?
Agreed that if someone is considered 'competent', there probably is not much that can be done. Bringing in APS, if they would even go, might bring about some nasty consequences. It might be better to explore any and all other options first. The question I would pose here: is she really competent?
One can seem to be very competent, even with earlier stages of dementia, but it does not mean that they can make appropriate decisions. Our mother was still living alone when dementia started. We were proactive as needed (take the car away, locked pill dispenser, took over finances, etc.) We then started with 3 days/week one hour visit from an aide, mainly as a check on her (we also had some cameras, but there were only two inside and could not see everything!) and to see that she took her medications. The intent was to keep her in her own home as long as possible. That was upped to 5 days/week, but this plan didn't last long when she (like your mother) didn't want them there and refused to let them in after a few months.
My brothers offered to take her in. Nope. She's fine. She's independent. She can cook. Right. Food going bad in fridge and freezer because she would only eat frozen dinners, cereal and packaged foods (basically crap!) THAT is not cooking. If you brought up AL, same response - fine, independent, cook. Add to that, she would NEVER live in one of those places (yet for years she went to the 'open houses' with free lunch to 'check them out'.) I brought up what would you do if you fell and could not get to the phone (portable was missing for a while, long enough that battery was dead.) Her response was that she doesn't go downstairs. I said I never mentioned the stairs mom, but WRONG ANSWER mom, we can see you DO go downstairs on the camera recordings! The dryer vent had not been cleaned in YEARS, so it was a fire waiting to happen! My brother replaced it all with better venting and found the phone while down there (where we NEVER go!) Her rationale about falling and needing help? I'll get help. Sure mom. Brain waves. Yelling when no one can hear you. Wave that magic wand. Whatever. You will NOT be able to get help. We started making plans to have her move.
Granted our mother was still mobile (she only recently started using a walker, and has had several tumbles in the year+ she's been in MC), but still.... Her hearing was bad and she often would forget to change the battery (no hearing in one ear, limited in the other.) How would she hear the alarms? She often couldn't even hear the phone!! One brother put in a flasher for the phone - she unplugged it.
So, literally days before the "move" didn't she injure her leg (couldn't tell anyone how when asked) and never sought care for it or even called one of us!! It festered for some days before my brother came up for the move. She ended up with cellulitis, which is a serious infection, even more so for someone her age!
For you Kitty06: *Make a list of dangers. *Consult with Fire Department about what concerns they might have in general for the elderly and add those to your list (you don't have to give them any details at this time.) *What are the living conditions - apartment, home, first or second floor or higher? Add those concerns to your list (even if FD gets a fire call, they do not know who is home or where in the home they might be! As awesome as the FD is, they do not have magical powers!!!) *Then have a family meeting (maybe with sisters first, to make them see some rationale in this.) - What are the contingency plans? - Are sisters (or you) close enough at work to at least do a lunchtime check? - Are there any other family members or friends/neighbors who could check in or sit with her for a while "just to chat." or see if she needs anything?
One option that might be doable - FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) should be available to anyone, since it is a federal act. This could allow up to 12 weeks of family leave. It is unpaid, HOWEVER, you say there is enough money to pay for outside help. You and they can draw up legal paperwork that would at least pay the 'going rate' for outside caregivers (this paperwork, done properly, would be needed later in the event Medicaid is needed.) I do not know if this is a once/year thing or if it can be used again later the same year, but with 3 of you, that would cover 36 weeks - still 16 weeks to cover, but vacations and holidays might help there. Just suggesting it as an option. It would allow you all to keep you jobs but care for mom.
One last thing - sure babies cannot make phone calls, but would ANYONE WHO IS SANE leave a baby in a crib all day, under the premise that they are bedridden and cannot get into trouble or mischief?
Disgustedtoo, Wow lost of info. Thank you. So I have some great news. Spoke to my siblings. We contacted her Dr. he has sent in to ins an order for home care and therapy. We had no idea he could do that. But the ins she has allows him to do this. Someone will be coming at least 4 times a week for 3-4 hours a day. We have found another care giver who can help out with extra hours when we need them. As for how things have improved, she didn’t want someone to help her but I pushed the issue and my siblings finally went along with it and that’s when we contacted her Dr. I think my sister with whom my mother lives realized she needs help with her care and my mother really needed the help too. So as of right now we will see what happens. I’m hoping for the best. Thank you😊
My first thought is why there is a disagreement on getting care for Mom? The answer is usually money. Someone doesn't want to pay out of their own pocket or diminish their future inheritance. Until this is recognized, you can't solve the problem
I'm glad that you have home health helping Mom. If this is being paid for by Medicare, please be aware that this is probably temporary help. However, if Mom is indigent, then you can probably get a home health aide on a continuing basis through Medicaid. Also, if Mom's a widow and Dad was a veteran, check out the VA for help.
Thanks JJ, yes I do think you were right about the inheritance. I also thought this was to be temporary help. We will see how it works out and go from there. We applied for Medicaid not to long ago. My sibling who was in charge of that said she has a letter stating she has a case worker but as far as I know nothing has come if it. Hopefully all things work out. Thank you for your input.
It's ALWAYS so nice to hear back from the original poster with positive improvements or good endings. In your case, it's positive improvements. I hope your dad will be approved for Medicaid. So, get back to us with the good ending. : )
We love good endings because they are so few and far between for a lot of us.
You have gotte a wide range of responses, here. As I said in the earlier post; all the information is not in your post to make wise decision. I am sorry to see some have attacked you ( As you see some of us have people who don’t want to be intimately involved, yet want to control the situation, making our caregiving more stressful). I do not live in fear, and feel the need to be in total control. That being said I would take all the precautions to prevent a fire, and if she is truly bedridden she will not start one. I would not let an unlikely physical hazard override the emotional well-being of my mother not my siblings. As people have speculated it may be they want the money. I think there may be other reasons. Perhaps, they feel a responsibility to be the caregivers for her and they see her autonomy as a high priority for your mother. This is why I advised you all to talk. If there is tension between you and your sisters, agree on someone to be a facilitator, so everyone can be heard. With my parents, I have gone both extremes in some people’s minds, but my siblings are in agreement. That is why I suggested reading On Being Mortal. Each situation is unique, and you have to live with the decisions you make. As some have pointed out there are many critics along this path. I wish for you a path that brings peace to you and your family.
You say "She is basically bedridden." and "Can’t walk at all." yet she is home "All day with no help." What does "basically" mean?
Does she have a bedside commode to use and can she get to it safely herself? If not, how can she go all day without using a bathroom? Is she wearing depends? If so, would someone leave a baby or toddler in soiled diapers all day? Good lord, think of what havoc that could do!!! What does she eat/drink all day and how does she get access to it? Others asked about bedsores - can she shift her position in bed to prevent this?
Personally I agree with you that this is not an ideal situation. You initially say "Both siblings feel this is ok.", but you also later say this is what your mother wants too (no one coming in.)
You are "told she has a phone." Who said this? Both sisters or sisters and mom or just mom? Is this a portable or wired? If it is portable, what happens if she drops it or the battery dies? If wired (especially if it is an cable/internet phone), service can get interrupted (includes the portable too) and unless the cable number is registered with emergency services, if she were unable to speak they would NOT be able to locate her! Medical emergencies can impede mom's ability to place a call for help.
If she is in bed all day, more than likely she naps or dozes off - smoke inhalation and even worse carbon monoxide can incapacitate quickly without waking you up! If she were left alone for quick trips, ok. All day? No. I presume this is the case because your sisters work. Are you currently also working? Can you or either of them provide any assistance by being there for at least some of the time?
Agreed that if someone is considered 'competent', there probably is not much that can be done. Bringing in APS, if they would even go, might bring about some nasty consequences. It might be better to explore any and all other options first. The question I would pose here: is she really competent?
One can seem to be very competent, even with earlier stages of dementia, but it does not mean that they can make appropriate decisions. Our mother was still living alone when dementia started. We were proactive as needed (take the car away, locked pill dispenser, took over finances, etc.) We then started with 3 days/week one hour visit from an aide, mainly as a check on her (we also had some cameras, but there were only two inside and could not see everything!) and to see that she took her medications. The intent was to keep her in her own home as long as possible. That was upped to 5 days/week, but this plan didn't last long when she (like your mother) didn't want them there and refused to let them in after a few months.
My brothers offered to take her in. Nope. She's fine. She's independent. She can cook. Right. Food going bad in fridge and freezer because she would only eat frozen dinners, cereal and packaged foods (basically crap!) THAT is not cooking. If you brought up AL, same response - fine, independent, cook. Add to that, she would NEVER live in one of those places (yet for years she went to the 'open houses' with free lunch to 'check them out'.) I brought up what would you do if you fell and could not get to the phone (portable was missing for a while, long enough that battery was dead.) Her response was that she doesn't go downstairs. I said I never mentioned the stairs mom, but WRONG ANSWER mom, we can see you DO go downstairs on the camera recordings! The dryer vent had not been cleaned in YEARS, so it was a fire waiting to happen! My brother replaced it all with better venting and found the phone while down there (where we NEVER go!) Her rationale about falling and needing help? I'll get help. Sure mom. Brain waves. Yelling when no one can hear you. Wave that magic wand. Whatever. You will NOT be able to get help. We started making plans to have her move.
Granted our mother was still mobile (she only recently started using a walker, and has had several tumbles in the year+ she's been in MC), but still.... Her hearing was bad and she often would forget to change the battery (no hearing in one ear, limited in the other.) How would she hear the alarms? She often couldn't even hear the phone!! One brother put in a flasher for the phone - she unplugged it.
So, literally days before the "move" didn't she injure her leg (couldn't tell anyone how when asked) and never sought care for it or even called one of us!! It festered for some days before my brother came up for the move. She ended up with cellulitis, which is a serious infection, even more so for someone her age!
For you Kitty06:
*Make a list of dangers.
*Consult with Fire Department about what concerns they might have in general for the elderly and add those to your list (you don't have to give them any details at this time.)
*What are the living conditions - apartment, home, first or second floor or higher? Add those concerns to your list (even if FD gets a fire call, they do not know who is home or where in the home they might be! As awesome as the FD is, they do not have magical powers!!!)
*Then have a family meeting (maybe with sisters first, to make them see some rationale in this.)
- What are the contingency plans?
- Are sisters (or you) close enough at work to at least do a lunchtime check?
- Are there any other family members or friends/neighbors who could check in or sit with her for a while "just to chat." or see if she needs anything?
One option that might be doable - FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) should be available to anyone, since it is a federal act. This could allow up to 12 weeks of family leave. It is unpaid, HOWEVER, you say there is enough money to pay for outside help. You and they can draw up legal paperwork that would at least pay the 'going rate' for outside caregivers (this paperwork, done properly, would be needed later in the event Medicaid is needed.) I do not know if this is a once/year thing or if it can be used again later the same year, but with 3 of you, that would cover 36 weeks - still 16 weeks to cover, but vacations and holidays might help there. Just suggesting it as an option. It would allow you all to keep you jobs but care for mom.
One last thing - sure babies cannot make phone calls, but would ANYONE WHO IS SANE leave a baby in a crib all day, under the premise that they are bedridden and cannot get into trouble or mischief?
I'm glad that you have home health helping Mom. If this is being paid for by Medicare, please be aware that this is probably temporary help. However, if Mom is indigent, then you can probably get a home health aide on a continuing basis through Medicaid. Also, if Mom's a widow and Dad was a veteran, check out the VA for help.
We love good endings because they are so few and far between for a lot of us.