I had agreed to this as mum and I were always so close. However, when I am alone with her which is 4 afternoons out of the 7, she is often verbally cruel to me. I always used to tell my husband but more and more he would tell me I was just too sensitive so I have stopped telling him. I feel I am becoming a totally different person, shut off from them, a harder person than I used to be which I don't like and I feel very isolated and tearful. I never watch tv of an evening anymore as he now controls it and puts on things to suit her unless football is on so I go up to bed early with the tv in our bedroom. I wouldn't mind but she has a tv in her own room too. My husband and i literally have no time together at all. If I stand up to her, she gives me the silent treatment. She does not have dementia but does have memory loss. Two of my grown up sons live with us and one girlfriend. One son has been through a hard time and is suffering with his own mental health which im trying to be strong for him. I'm not really sure what im expecting by posting this or why I am doing it but do know I am worried about my own sanity too
Good luck. You deserve respect and peace.
Leave the house during the four afternoons a week, and do things you enjoy. See friends, read a book outside, go to a movie, exercise by walking or running, whatever helps you improve your mood and your life and reduces your stress. Things that are restorative to you. See a therapist if you can.
If she needs help during those four afternoons, she can hire someone to stay with her. If she or your husband object, repeat exactly, to both of them, including what you've recorded, the cruel things she says and tell them that you are not making her happy and she is not treating you well, so it is best for both of you not to be alone together.
In the evenings, turn the TV to what you want to watch. If she and your husband object, tell her that it is your house and she has her own TV. Stand your ground.
If she gives you the silent treatment, great! Appreciate that you don't have to communicate with her. Accept it as a gift and don't try to kowtow or gain her approval.
If you are providing care for her, especially while your husband is home, stop. She is his mother and again, she treats you badly, so he can deal with her. Calmly let whatever she wants go unaddressed until he steps up to do it.
You don't need to argue and fight. Maintain your dignity while refusing to be mistreated.
What are her finances? Does she have any retirement income, pension, social security, etc.? Does she contribute to your household budget? Where was she living before she moved in -- did she sell a house or does she still own one?
You are a worthwhile person and don't deserve to be treated like this. Please keep us posted on the situation and about how you're feeling.
You do have, of course, the option of making a quality life for yourself outside your home with friends, activities and things you love. Let us assume all others in your home, including hubby, have moved on and away. You would be alone and would have a life to make for yourself.
I would see my doctor to start with and tell him briefly as you did us about your depression. Ask for a low dose anti-depressant to give you a bridge over these troubled waters. Then begin to journal what interests you have outside of this home, what things you love. Perhaps move the unused TV from MIL room to your own so you can watch some few mind-numbing things you love of an evening.
Basically, you know your options for making your own life, and you may be stuck in thinking you can/will CHANGE others. That won't happen. Your choice is to stay or to go. If you are staying, then begin now to build your own life whether that is knitting, sewing, books, cooking, walking, social clubs, faith based activities, volunteer work, or some other outlets.
Best of luck to you.
There's a name for what your husband is doing when he says you're too sensitive about the verbal abuse your MIL throws at you. What he's doing is called 'Gaslighting' and it's a type of psychological abuse. Please read up on gaslighting. He likes things as they are and wants to maintain the status quo in the house as it is. He's the good guy for having his mother there. I'm sure it's your job to take care of her needs and clean up after her though. Then he shuts you down every time you say something about it because he doesn't want to hear complaining or risk disturbing the status quo that's working for him and his mother.
There needs to be some changes in your house. Starting with your sons and the girlfriend start helping out with grandma and everything else in the home. They also have to pay rent as well if they don't already. MIL has to pay too. DO NOT allow anyone to be a freeloader in your home.
Those four afternoons a week that you have to take with your MIL, cut them down to two for starters. Tell your husband he has to find someone else to come in. Be plain in your speech and mean it. If he doesn't find anyone and thinks you'll just deal with her if he does nothing, walk away and leave her on her own.
On the afternoons when you do have to watch her and she gets mouthy, give right back to her tenfold. Tell her to shut the hell up. Also remind her that she lives in your house and that can change any time you want it to.
Now mind, this is only a temporary solution until your MIL is moved out. Don't allow her to live with you anymore. Have a talk with your sons too. If they're old enough to have live-in girlfriends they're old enough to pay rent and live in their own places.