My 88 year old mother is an alcoholic. Should I buy her liquor so she won't walk to the store?

I believe the best answer would be to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and hear what they have to say about this predicament. Over time they have probably had to deal with a similar set of circumstances, so their collective wisdom gained through experience will probably provide the best answer to enable the OP to choose the best course of action.

I have a similar problem, only my grandma is dependent upon us getting her alcohol. It’s a hard decision but we (my mom and I) decided to give her her Coors light, but also mix it with NA. She is 91 and recently fell. I want her to be able to enjoy the rest of her days/months/years, but I also worry about her falling (she is alone sometimes, but are setting up in home care for her). I don’t want to deceive her, but I want her to be safe. I am fine with alcohol in moderation but she is 79 lbs and her health is failing. She also has dementia and refuses medicine and often times food. I just give her whatever she wants, and mixing the two seems to be the best solution right now. She will sometimes guzzle it down which is very concerning.. but it’s making her happy. That is what I want right now. If a beer a day is that, then I guess that’s what we will do.

Well I have an alcholic husband. He will NOT quit drinking or smoking!!
He has emphysema, high blood pressure and now beginning of Dementia.
Most of all of that is from Drinking and smoking:((
My hubby is 77. Im a lot younger. I was caregiver for my mother , she lived to be 100:)) no drinking, except a glass of wine with dinner or lunch and NO smoking:)
I limit my husbands drinking now, (dementia is sort of helping me) Anyway, he likes bourbon, I buy it and bring it home delute it almost 1/2 with water and I found a bourbon extract to make up for the color and taste:))))))) I give him a flask a day THATs it when its gone no more! I dont let him have it until 1pm.
He also like occasional oj and vodka, thats easy to dilute:)) as it is clear. Ive been doing this for quite a while now. Hes happy becuase he gets his bourbon and Im happy that he is not falling down drunk:((( Your mom is not going to quit at that age so maybe you do like I did and let her enjoy the rest of her life?! Maybe get her to write down her cigarettes when she has them and maybe she will cut that down as well. Good luck God Bless.

Well, it seems like you are caught in an ethical dilemma.

I can see both sides of the issue, and each side raises valid points. Both sides point out the good and bad points of your 2 choices. And I feel very deeply for you, because there really is no good option.

I've said before: if your choices were always good v. bad, life would be simple. But, unfortunately, sometimes your choices are bad, worse and worst. And that sucks, because we are left dealing with the fallout.

So my advice is this: make the choice that you can most easily live with the inevitable consequences - because ANY choice we ever make has consequences. And you, my friend, do not need to justify your decision to anyone.

I suspect you've already, privately, made up your mind on what to do, and you're maybe looking for validation. And that's ok. You obviously love mom and want what's best, within the scope of what she's willing to do. Whichever decision you make will not make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. Be at peace with what you decide to do.

God luck.

Laonnie1


If YOU want to buy (help get) alcohol, drugs, cigarettes (or whatever) for someone, "That is YOUR business." (I hope you ask for forgiveness)

I for one, REFUSE to help in any way to contribute anything to anyone that will "HARM" them.

I'm not Judging any one. I am just being "honest." Do you not understand what this poison mess does to people?

Then you think I am a "bad person" because I choose not to be a part taker in doing something to hurt another person? SMH

"YET YOU WISH BAD ON ME? " You hope when I get old, I am stripped of things I desire?

What in the world?

Could you just include the alcohol in the food order, no comment, just do it. After a few deliveries she might see the advantages. At her age stopping is probably not an option unless it is her choice.

Seems she needs a move to an assisted living facility. Some all a certain amount of alcoholic beverages per client.

I have an unusual suggestion here. See if maybe you can get her to switch to marijuana. I don't know what state you are in but some states allow medical marijuana with a prescription. This is not harmful in the way alchol is. Can't overdose. Not a depressant. Many older folks are in pain everyday and painkillers have bad side effects long term. I live in an independant living place and many of my neighbors are starting to use it. They started by getting it from their children! They have found comfort in it and they don't get stoned. I have known some alchoholics years ago who made the switch to pot to avoid the bad effects of alcohol and the drunk accidents.
I can't think how you could get her to stop drinking. It is harder than most people think and can take a long time. It is a fight they must fight everyday the rest of their lives. No one can make anyone stop drinking. Many people in very bad shape die every year drinking. Very sad. You mom doesn't have much life left at this point. I know this is a heart break for you. I have visted assisted living places and they did allow residents to drink alchol and to have it in their room. If you don't want to try marijuana for your mom, I would be on the side of you getting her what she wants. I have always been a teatotaler. People laugh at me because I never drink alchol. I am glad I never started because I would not have wanted to become addicted. I have seen so much of that in others. I do not judge. Nobody wants to become addicted but it happens. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Realize that alcohol is a drug and too much is bad for you but so are a lot of prescription drugs and some foods. Don't look at yourself as perfect and take your mothers rights away..Remember the golden rule.Old people seem to loose their rights and are treated like children, especially by their adult children. Adult children even think they should interfere with their elderly parent to choose who to vote for!
Not every elderly parent has that problem .I can relate to it because I have a controlling daughter. I don't have a problem with booze but I have epilepsy and she wants to control me. I don't let her, we were on the outs because we didn't agree on who to vote for.Here is a poem by a man who was 100 in March. He wrote in 2007. My best friend is 102 and she sent it to me,

PITY THE NATION, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE SHEEP,
AND WHOSE SHEPHERDS MISLEAD THEM,
PITY THE NATION WHOSE LEADERS ARE LIARS,
WHOSE SAGES ARE SILENCED .
AND WHOSE BIGOTS HAUNT THE
AIRWAVES.
PITY THE NATION THAT RAISES
NOT ITS VOICE,
EXCEPT TO PRAISE CONQUERORS
AND ACCLAIM THE BULLY AS
A HERO
AND AIMS TO RULE THE WORLD
WITH FORCE AND BY TORTURE.
PITY THE NATION THAT KNOWS
NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ITS OWN
PITY THE NATION WHOSE BREATH IS MONEY
AND SLEEPS THE SLEEP OF THE
TOO WELL FED.
PITY THE NATION-OH PITY
THE PEOPLE WHO WHO ALLOW THEIR RIGHTS TO ERODE
AND THEIR FREEDOMS TO BE WASHED AWAY.
MY COUNTRY, TEARS OF THEE,
SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY. "
'

Bridger,

I loved your response to my post.
You have compassion. In short, you have a kind and caring heart.

I agree. She can’t be forced into anything. I feel that she should be allowed to die in peace with dignity. That’s all I wanted for my brother in the end.

Thanks for understanding my sentiments. I saw this most of my life with him. Sounds like you have a great deal of experience. You’re wise and sensible.

Some situations cannot be fixed.

And she never took care of meh she left my dad do all of the WORK when ever he came home my mom would say "where were you!" and when i came down stairs she pretend she was off of drugs this is why i don't ever talk to her no more she all ways Abuse's me and my dad then one day we moved out and finally stopped drinking Drugs! but we still moved out that was the only thing i was happy about and me and my dad were living with his friends and i loved them they were like a new mom to me and they were girls and sweeter girls than my mom soon to be ex mom Because one of my dads friends were getting married to my father and THEY MARRIED i was flower girl i was smiling when i was flower girl and one month she just drank one whole bottle and she still did some work and my dad wanted to get more money for all of us so he worked all day and my mom was scared that he probaly died!

To all of those sitting in judgement of providing the alcohol... it might not be possible for you to understand the lose, lose of this situation. Having an alcoholic for a parent is excruciatingly hard. Alcoholism is a disease and at 88 years old, this member's Mother is not likely to be able to do the work required to stop drinking. My father was an alcoholic, yes was. He's dead because he drank himself to death. There is NOTHING we as a family could do to make him stop drinking. This member should not be shamed over the pain of having to choose between two horrible choices. Mom is 88! I think we're well beyond calling the member an enabler- enabling aids in the continuation of a harmful behavior. Both choices will cause harm--that's why they are struggling and came here to ask the question.

How can a nurse, doctor, wife, daughter or whomever, say denying an 88 year old person alcohol is not the answer?

My uncle was an alcoholic and my dad moved him into a home on our land and he did just fine without alcohol.

Another family was an alcoholic and drug user and is doing fine without alcohol and drugs.

I don't see the reasoning behind it is ok to give them alcohol.

"Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions."

If she is almost blind, tell her you want to take her out for a ride. Then accompany her into an AA meeting. And get yourself to a meeting for people involved with alcoholics. You may be a co-dependent.

Before you can really support your mother in healthy ways, you need to get support/help yourself.

Of course she's risking her life. This is what active alcoholics do. She is 88. Is this a surprise to you 'now' vs perhaps over decades? You ignoring obvious signs sounds like you are in denial and is a very huge red flag. Get help.

Alcoholics simply can’t stop drinking cold turkey. It isn’t an issue of enabling at this point. It’s more complicated.

It is a situation of transitioning into sobriety and at her age that’s a tough challenge.

It’s also a matter of what she can endure. It becomes a life or death situation.

Compassion is necessary. That isn’t approval. It’s making sure that she survives a crises.

Not to mention the awful situation of her walking to get her booze. An addict will go to great lengths to do what they have to do.

My brother was homeless for awhile. An old veteran befriended him.

He allowed him to stay in an unused RV that he owned. My brother did exactly as this woman. He walked for miles to get his drugs.

He would not ask the old man to bring him because he didn’t want to put the old man at risk by accompanying him while he was carrying heroin. That’s a felony if caught.

The old man wasn’t stupid. He saw my brothers tracks on his arms and knew where he was walking.

He knew that my brother was sick with hepatitis C, but nothing will stop them from getting their next fix.

Still the old man had compassion and would follow slowly in his truck in case my brother fell in the street so he could call 911 for my brother.

I met this old man when our family went to say our goodbyes to my brother in the end of life hospice facility. Of course I thanked him for him compassion. He was a kind soul and the only friend that my brother had left.

Addicts are people. They are moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, neighbors and friends. They didn’t start out in life this way. They have many various stories.

I hate drugs or excess drinking because my family felt the devastating effects from living with my brother but I don’t hate the addict.

I hate what happens to them. I hated the pain and confusion that I experienced but I didn’t hate him and feel that he was the scum of the earth.

It’s a disease just like any other diseases that people struggle with.

Agree with me. Disagree with me. You’re entitled to your opinion. But this topic brings back vivid memories and I hope no one minds me sharing how I feel.

Ask the doctor, who says she is competent, to get her into a facility to dry her out. It's easy to say she's competent about questions being asked of her, but if her decisions are landing her in the middle of the street due to falling down - it would seem a little odd to call that being entirely competent.

Sure, you can buy her the alcohol IF, IF you can live with the consequences of her drinking it. Kind of like buying drugs for your kid because he's addicted. When too much creates health, fall, or death issue - are you going to be able to forgive yourself. This is the exact reason I do not give money to panhandlers on the street. They are someone's husband, brother, sister, mother, etc and I refuse to help them kill themselves. I'll buy food and hand it to them, but no cash money. However, that's my opinion. It's up to you what you can live with.

Have you ever consulted Al-anon? People there might be very helpful.
It's a delicate balance dealing with addicts. You might welcome support from people who know what you are going through.

withdrawal from alcohol for an 88 yr old will probably kill her. Find a way for her to get her alcohol besides walking.

She is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.

That being so, I think I'd ask her again if she would like to include drinks (alcoholic or otherwise) and cigarettes among the goods she has delivered. Try your best to do so in a neutral tone of voice. Do her usual suppliers offer the products she treks through the snow to buy?

It sounds as though somewhere along the line she has come to feel ashamed of these perfectly legal (even if undesirable for other reasons) purchases. That's the gremlin you need to root out because it doesn't help *anything*. It just confuses all of the issues and doesn't prevent any of the harms or the risks.

I have a horrible visual image of your mom struggling to get her booze. I can’t imagine how you are dealing with this situation.

I don’t see her changing her behavior this late in the game. Why doesn’t she want it delivered to her? Why won’t she let you drive her?

It is awful that she is nearly blind and walking so far. She can’t stop drinking at this point. I’m sure that you know this. It’s amazing what addicts will do.

It is a difficult position to be in: contribute to addictive behavior or let her put herself into dangerous situations.

IF she only goes once/week or so, and drinks moderately, perhaps you could offer to drive her there. You say she won't ask for a ride, but if you know her routine, be there and perhaps say you were going to pick something up, she could join you. If she is going daily and drinks a lot, it will be a matter of time before something bad happens.

Honestly, if she's a heavy drinker, she's done well to make it to 88yo. One uncle (by marriage) passed too young, mainly because he drank too much. Another had multiple issues directly related to drinking, including softening his bones. He had some falls because of the booze and bones, and the last one really did him in, when he hit his head on the bathtub. If she's more of a moderate drinker, I wouldn't really want to "contribute" to her addiction, but I also wouldn't want to see her in a dangerous situation, so I would likely choose to (help) provide what she needs to keep her off the road, esp in winter! So, try to offer to take her there.

At this point in her life, it isn't likely she's going to stop or agree to rehab, so the choice comes down to help her get what she wants or let her struggle to get it herself, and perhaps have something horrible happen to her. If she were not competent, you could see to having her moved to a safe place and get treated, but that's not the case.

My grandmother was a wine drinker, but didn't know when to stop. When she could no longer drive, she hired a taxi to go get it for her. This is all I know about it, it was kind of hush hush, y'know? I only heard whispers now and then, but it would have been better if they had been honest with us (we were later HS/early college at that point!)

So, when my parents went to visit old neighbors for a long weekend and took my YB, she had Nana come stay with us... Like WE needed a baby-sitter? I went to the store to get something and was going to pick up some beer for myself, but was torn - do it now, or take her home (she wanted to go to store with me) and go for it later? Silly me decided to go now. She happily went in and bought a bottle of wine. I left her alone watching TV and went to my room for TV and a beer. When it was time to sleep, I could still hear the TV blaring away, so I went down to check on her. Not in the rocking chair. Empty bottle. Uh oh. I found her passed out on the floor near where she slept. I wasn't able to help her up, but disturbed her enough that she got up and crawled into bed, as is.

Next day we were to go to my aunt's house for a cookout. I came down to find her still in bed, with horrible stink (she had vomited.) I told her to get up and dressed, we had to go. She begged off, saying she didn't feel well, but I said we go. I came back in a bit and she was still in bed. I told her she HAD to get up and get dressed, we HAD to go or there would be questions. I opened the door, window and slider, to generate a NICE breeze! When I returned she was up and dressed, just needed help with the dress zipper. So, off we go to auntie's. We get all the way there (about 40-50m drive), into the house, out into the back yard, sit in a lawn chair and THEN puked all over herself!!! My aunt had some clothes for her (sisters took turns caring for her) so she changed her and put her to bed. She then asked me "Did she get out on you?" I was honest about it, but asked her not to tell my mother. Mom gets home, then quizzes me, "Did she get out on you?" So, only part of the story was relayed, but I was honest about it with her too. She didn't chastise me for taking Nana or letting her buy/drink the wine, she asked me what I was doing buying beer!!!

So, she was okay if someone would give her a glass of wine, but NOT okay if you give her a bottle. Again, had my parents been up front and honest about the situation, I would NOT have taken her anywhere near the liquor store!

My 75 year old father had to have a hip replacement. He was also diagnosed with cancer. The doctors gave him 6 months to live. He needed the hip replacement because it was hurting him so bad.

He was an alcoholic all of his life. He actually got the doctor to write him a script saying he could have 2 beers at 5:00pm.

You know what the doctor did? Wrote him out a script for 2 beers at 5:00pm daily.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

OP

No one is trying to say you decide how your mom dies. That is so cruel for someone to suggest.

Let me repeat myself, "Please do not contribute something "harmful" to your mom."

So Op. it appears by some people’s logic you have to decide how you want your mom to die.

Its harmful to allow a nearly blind 88 year old with mobility problems to walk 2 miles to buy alcohol. Do you allow her to continue to do it and wait until a car takes her out of this world? Or what if she falls in the snow and freezes to death before someone finds her sprawled out in the snow?

Or do you stop her from walking to buy her alcohol and then wait as she dies from alcohol withdrawals?

It’s ultimately your choice but......she’s an 88 year old alcoholic. What is the actual harm in giving her alcohol in moderation? The reason liquor stores have been deemed essential throughout the pandemic is because of alcoholics. It’s harmful to cut them off.

Firstof5

PLEASE, "do not" contribute something "harmful" to your mom.

Whatever she decides to do is on her but don't you contribute to her.

Here's my take on things, for what it's worth.

Your mother is addicted to booze and cigarettes, period. At 88, she's not going to rehab or counseling or AA, it is what it is. Cigarettes and booze are her friends; her companions, the only comforts left for her at this stage of life.

If you buy her booze and cigarettes, yes, you are 'enabling' her. But in reality, she's going to buy herself cigarettes and booze ANYWAY, and wind up in the hospital as a result of doing so. That will leave you feeling badly because your mother hurt herself on her quest to satisfy her addictions.

It's a no-win situation. You both lose. She's already lost because she's an addict who's proven she's willing to hurt herself, break bones, be hospitalized and even DIE in order to get her drugs of choice. Again, it is what it is.

So, if it were me, I'd buy my mother the booze and the cigarettes to avoid another trip to the hospital which, for me, would feel worse than knowing I'm 'enabling' her addiction which she's going to manage ANYWAY.

But.....and here's the but: I wouldn't buy a LOT of booze at one time b/c she might go on a big binge and drink it all up at once, killing herself in the process. Same with cigs, I wouldn't buy cartons at one time. Dole it out; one pack and one bottle, depending on what she drinks ie: 1 bottle of wine or 1 pint of hard liquor, etc. Set something up where you swing by once a week or whatever and drop things off. Or, set something up with the liquor store where they will make a delivery, same difference.

Talk to mom and tell her that you know what she's doing and it's ok, you just want her to stay safe and not walk a mile to get her supplies. Get on the same page. And then accept the fact that YOU are not 'killing' her, she made the decision to smoke and drink long, long ago.......all you're doing is helping her NOT fall in the street or break her hip again.

I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, either, by the way. Whatever feels right to YOU is what you should do, without judgment of your mother in the process, if possible. We all make our life's choices and they're not always wise, God knows.

Such a sad thing for your mom to be 88 and an alcoholic.

If she is competent and knows it is not safe for her to walk to the store and still chooses to do it, she is making a bad decision for herself. Sometimes bad decisions come with bad consequences.

It's sad, it really is.

If she is 88, talk to her about going to church so she can get delivered from alcohol. Honey, she does not need any alcohol and she certainly does not need you to buy it for her. So, NO.

I wonder if you could fill in the blanks a bit?

What is her frequency of trips? What does she buy?

If she goes once a week for a pint of bourbon that’s one thing.
If she goes daily for a fifth that’s another.

Ditto on the cigs. How many packs a day? Or does a pack last a week or two?

Does she have guests who have a drink with her? Do you ever have a drink with her?

Have you ever walked with her to keep her company? Do you know who she visits with at the liquor store?

Do you see empties piled up? Is her house a mess? Does she eat well?

Tell us more about your mom.

No!!! It's called enabling.

She has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it, even if it's in the street.