Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
I would definitely call AA and go to some Alanon meetings yourself to be prepared for how to cope with what is clearly "the writing on the wall".
Social Services will have a record of you trying to do the correct thing in a tough situation, plus they can officially guide you. AA or Al Anon can help you in a personal, "been there, done that" type of help.
Preventing an alcoholic from getting their booze can cause terrible things. That's why in this pandemic liquor store are declared essential.
If your mother gave you HIPPA authority, speak with her physician and explain the entire scenario. I suspect you will be told to provide what she wants. Your mother has made it clear that she intends to continue her lifestyle, and that she is concerned how it appears to others confirms her mental clarity. Realistically, your mother is coping with likely having outlived her peers, physical decline and depression. I don't think that telling her to stop drinking at nearly 90 serves any purpose. I have seen firsthand what an older woman can go through in forced alcohol withdrawal, it is horrible, if not outright cruel. Why should she not be allowed to live out the limited remainder of her life as she chooses, with respect and without judgment? Have a meal with her to make sure she is consuming a nutritious, adequate diet, along with hydration lost from alcohol, like Gatorade in a flavor she likes. An accompanied walk on a pretty day is therapeutic, to a liquor store alone puts her in certain danger of falls or assault. Yes, she may be an alcoholic, may fall at home, but you don't want her dying from drinking rubbing alcohol. Nothing sets off a competent senior faster than being treated as incompetent.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned about her vision loss, house fire, etc.
I speak from experience as a former alcoholic: If i wanted or "needed" a drink, I would get it. Nothing could or would stop me.
If you don't want to buy it for her don't.
It' a catch 22 situation, If you buy alcohol for her you will feel terrible if you find her dead from an alcohol related death. If you don't buy it and she dies from going to the store to get the alcohol you will feel guilty because you did not buy it for her.
If you water it down she will just drink more and when she runs out will walk to the store anyway.
It's your decision.
Your mother will not know that you made the call, they never divulge who made it.
Having done Home Health nursing and I've sadly made way too many of these calls. Without intervention for your mom, it isn't IF but WHEN a disaster will occur.
Everyone agrees that alcohol is bad. Same for the cigarettes. Some suggestions are useful IF the mother lived with OP, such as watering down the booze, limiting access to the booze or butts. But she lives in her OWN place.
There is no way to prevent her from getting what she wants or limit it. NONE. While we don't want to be complicit in providing the items, leaving her to her own devices to get these items is extremely dangerous. Even those with dementia CANNOT be forced to do what they don't want to do. This isn't just me saying this - when we needed to move our mother to MC, she was refusing to consider ANY kind of move. The EC Atty told me we COULD NOT FORCE HER TO MOVE (and we DID try bringing in help, but she refused that too.). Staff at MC also told me THEY can't force the residents to do anything they are refusing to do, bathing, taking medicine, etc. They have to coax them into agreement.
But again, this woman has been deemed competent. There's no dementia involved, so she is "free" to do as she chooses. You can't stop her from her self-destructive behavior, but you CAN, regardless of your own feelings and misgivings, at the very least protect her from dangers presented by her treks to get what she wants.
She's considered competent, so she can live alone anyway she wants.
She's not likely to agree to rehab and you can't force her.
She isn't likely to listen to anyone or stop either of these "activities".
So, the choices of evil are:
1) allow her to continue doing it her way
2) find a way to take her to get what she's going to get anyway
Choice #1 - will she kill herself imbibing in her evils or get killed trying to get them? One way or the other, she will end up dying from something.
Choice #2 - eventually these will take their toll, perhaps land her in hospital and/or NH, but she won't be splattered all over the road.
Sorry to be so graphic, but given these are really the ONLY 2 choices, I would find a way to transport her to get what she's going to get anyway, come hell or high water. Much as I wouldn't want her to suffer the consequences of drinking or smoking, she IS going to continue getting these items. The thought of her falling in the road and getting hit or freezing to death in winter are not very palatable. I would prefer to find a SAFE way for her to get what she's going to get, whether I like it or not.
OP, do come back and let us know how things are going.
In some places, mental health therapists will see patients with addiction. They can identify why your mother could be self-medicating.
However, you also need support. There are Twelve Step programs like Al-Anon to help families cope with the alcoholic. These organizations can help you decide what to do about your mom. There are online meetings now that Covid-19 is spreading. I'd encourage you to try a few meetings. They can offer support no matter which way your mother's addiction goes.
Get a second opinion with a doctor.
You can get her all the help you think will help. But if she is not willing it won't work.
If she is incompetent and is in risk of hurting herself or someone else then step in.
My dad suffered from diabetes. But his diet was terrible. Breakfast was a large glass of orange juice. For years he told me that. When I moved him from his apartment to senior living I found many bottles of honey. When I asked why he had so much honey he told me he liked to eat it by the spoonful.
I eventually learned that fruit juice has same amount of sugar as soda and sugar kills a diabetic (slowly and painfully). He was killing himself. And it seemed so simple to change that. Improve the diet to live longer and healthier.
We talked about it but he expressed no interest to change. I brought it up with his doctors, both general and diabetes specialist. He had been lying to them about his diet. They thought he ate well but still had high sugar. But it didn't matter much to them. They don't make people eat better. They just tell you how eating can help. Desire to follow their instructions comes from the patient.
So dad didn't seem to be interested in eating better.
But one day I noticed him at breakfast eating an egg. He was having one every morning. He still had orange juice and now a hot chocolate! But the addition of the egg made a big difference. His blood sugar lowered enough that he no longer needed daily meds. It was still high but not like before.
If he wanted he could have improved the diet more and gotten his blood sugar into the normal range. But he wanted that juice and hot chocolate.
I did the best I could do. And then let it go.
Your situation is not the same. But maybe similar.
On the bright side your mother is exercising, going for a walk. If you buy the booze she might stop walking.
How about walking with her to the store? You're not encouraging the drinking but are caring for her safety during the walk.
Otherwise, I'd sure try that! Wish we could have, for my mom.
never buy anyone booze or cigarettes. One person said at least she is walking which is good for her and it is giving her socialization. I am inclined to say let her keep walking to the liquor store. Just know there isn’t a true right or wrong solution and it isn’t your fault if she falls or is hit by a car. I’m sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry about what happened to your dad or brother. I wish Alcohol was illegal.
"It isn't your fault if she falls or is hit by a car."
I feel the same way. Her mother is 88 years old and competent. She has to make her own decisions in life. Whatever, decision her mom decides to make, good or bad, it is her choice. Her consequences.
Such a bad situation to be in.
I agree with those who say provide the alcohol. Complete withdrawal from alcohol, for someone truly addicted, may pose immediate dangers from a medical standpoint. If she is truly an alcoholic, it's possible she could not survive it at her age. As difficult as it is for you, give her what she wants and take comfort in the fact that you are, above all, providing for her safety.
Maybe you can tell her you were worried about her safety, since falls are dangerous, and suggest she let you buy her liquor and cigarettes for a little while just to see how it goes. She may be too ashamed/proud to ask your help. Once she trusts you to do it, it hopefully should just become routine.
I’ll say it louder for the people in the back of the room can hear. ONLY THE ALCOHOLIC CAN SAVE HIM OR HERSELF. YOU CAN’T!
If she wants to drink, let her drink. What else does she have to look forward to?
I come from an alcoholic family in which most members were also were addicted to nicotine. I understand the evils of both these addictions. However, if this was my mom, and these were her addictions, I'd want most of all to keep her from falling in the snow, injuring herself during her walk, or being hit by a car during her walk.
I think it's about acceptance. She's not going to join AA; she's not going to voluntarily move to a facility; she's going to get her alcohol and nicotine, no matter how she has to do it. This is how it is. As her doctor says, she has the right to make her own decisions. They may not be the decisions one wishes their mom would make, but this is the reality. I'd get her the alcohol and cigarettes she wants/needs, with no discussion. I gave up my own addiction to nicotine after a massive psychological and physical struggle, but I was only 44 years old. My father gave up his addiction to alcohol, but it took jail terms and so much pain to do so. Let your mom be. Try to remember the good times, and enjoy the time you have left with her. Don't let others guilt you about this. You have the right to make your own peace with this. We are thinking of you.
I am not diagnosing because I cannot--but IN MY OPINION--SHE IS NOT SAFE LIVING ALONE.
I cannot advise anything, but if that were my mom I would fight for her, and I would call her landlord and tell them she gets drunk and has neglected cigarettes. She may pay rent, but that still is her landlord's property and paying insurance for the property. Hopefully that will set up an eviction process. I would fight for her life.
Eventually your mom will fall and break her hip, get a brain bleed and die, or fall asleep drunk and get burned alive due to a neglected cigarette. It sounds like to me she needs to get a psychiatric evaluation. If being a danger to oneself is competent I would be filing multiple complaints against that doctor...she needs psychiatry to evaluate her. Still, doctors make mistakes--that's why there are injury lawyers all over the place. Man I would be contacting lawyers if I were you. When my mom was alive I really did fight for her, and when she died of natural causes I have a clear conscience because I did all I could for her.
If you don't care about your mom and what she dies, then leave her to her own devices. Death will cure everything, but getting burned alive is not a pleasant way to die. If she lives in an apartment complex, she may even kill other people including children due to fire. Human fat is HIGHLY combustible and can cause an explosion.
You can do what you want--that's your mom. But what you do or do not do, YOU MUST LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.
Depends how much you love your mom and how much you are willing to do for her. Someone 88 is far, far different and much more vulnerable than someone in their 40's.
"Alcohol causes "intoxication." Alcohol is a poison, it kills. I would not risk my freedom by intentionally poisoning another, especially a family member."
Thank you for your honest input.
At 88 if alcoholism is going to kill her it already is and for me the question is more about her quality of life rather than longevity now. I know how counter intuitive that is but I’m just not sure stopping her from drinking now is going to lengthen her health life but I have no doubt it will make you both miserable if it isn’t something she initiates and probably even if she did. My mother has been a type 2 diabetic for 30 years or more now and while she was never great at doing the things she needed to do as she got older the target blood sugars her doctor wants to see have increased. They are more concerned about preventing lows than high because there aren’t as many years left to worry about keeping her kidneys and other organs healthy but getting too low and not correcting that will kill her faster. She loves her sweets and if given a package of cookies or a pie she will eat the whole thing in a sitting, she just can’t help herself. Same goes for a box of Ritz crackers sending her numbers through the roof but her doctor is less concerned about these episodes now that she was 5 years ago and sweets make Mom happy so we simply control how much she has access to each week and let her indulge (COVID has made this much easier).
I see your mother’s alcohol in a similar way, yes it would be beneficial to her health and longevity if she had quit 20 years ago but at 88... I don’t know if it’s worth the suffering and she certainly doesn’t seem to think so. Why not let her do the things that make her happy even if it does lessen her life expectancy. Now this doesn’t mean you have to ignore your feelings about being around her when she’s drinking or pretend it isn’t an obstacle but as long as she is capable of making her own decisions, living on her own, I would choose to purchase the items she orders, maybe ration a bit if possible as long as she doesn’t just go back herself “They only had one bottle left so I got you that” kind of thing but hold firm in your refusal to be around while she’s drinking. My uncle was an alcoholic and my mom had a rule, she didn’t call on him or allow him around after 5 because that was about the time he started drinking. She didn’t Ned to purchase liquor for him he was a “functioning” alcoholic who was fine during the day but became a different person by evening when he started drinking and that was how they handled it. He understood that he wouldn’t be around my mom or grandmother when he was drinking and abided by those “rules” and my mom and grandmother didn’t beg him to quit or try to force his hand, that was his business if he was ok with drinking and not participating in family stuff. Sometimes this was family gatherings and his daughter had the same rules so he was choosing liquor over his grandchildren and visiting loved ones but that was his choice, he was the one missing out.
If you can find a way to come to terms with being ok with her choices not her drinking but her adult choices while also setting your own boundaries I think you will be able to find your way through this and the medical as well as emotional challenges to come. Boy do I wish my mom had chosen to take better care of herself the last 40 years or more and it is exhausting to have to deal with her after she has a sugar binge and her BS is 400+ but I have had to let the anger go and simply work with what I’ve got and through some of that letting go and not micromanaging she has actually gotten better about the sugar highs. I don’t think we have had any numbers much over 300 in a while and that doesn’t even happen often, when it does I simply get the things done I need to (take her meds) and let her pay the price...for the most part but she has some dementia as well as fairly severe aphasia so we can’t just let her go off the rails until she decides to guide herself back. Anyway similar to you in that your mom has physical limitations so you can’t let her just walk to the package store in all weather. Good luck
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