My 88 year old mother is an alcoholic. Should I buy her liquor so she won't walk to the store?

Ask the doctor, who says she is competent, to get her into a facility to dry her out. It's easy to say she's competent about questions being asked of her, but if her decisions are landing her in the middle of the street due to falling down - it would seem a little odd to call that being entirely competent.

Sure, you can buy her the alcohol IF, IF you can live with the consequences of her drinking it. Kind of like buying drugs for your kid because he's addicted. When too much creates health, fall, or death issue - are you going to be able to forgive yourself. This is the exact reason I do not give money to panhandlers on the street. They are someone's husband, brother, sister, mother, etc and I refuse to help them kill themselves. I'll buy food and hand it to them, but no cash money. However, that's my opinion. It's up to you what you can live with.

Alcoholics simply can’t stop drinking cold turkey. It isn’t an issue of enabling at this point. It’s more complicated.

It is a situation of transitioning into sobriety and at her age that’s a tough challenge.

It’s also a matter of what she can endure. It becomes a life or death situation.

Compassion is necessary. That isn’t approval. It’s making sure that she survives a crises.

Not to mention the awful situation of her walking to get her booze. An addict will go to great lengths to do what they have to do.

My brother was homeless for awhile. An old veteran befriended him.

He allowed him to stay in an unused RV that he owned. My brother did exactly as this woman. He walked for miles to get his drugs.

He would not ask the old man to bring him because he didn’t want to put the old man at risk by accompanying him while he was carrying heroin. That’s a felony if caught.

The old man wasn’t stupid. He saw my brothers tracks on his arms and knew where he was walking.

He knew that my brother was sick with hepatitis C, but nothing will stop them from getting their next fix.

Still the old man had compassion and would follow slowly in his truck in case my brother fell in the street so he could call 911 for my brother.

I met this old man when our family went to say our goodbyes to my brother in the end of life hospice facility. Of course I thanked him for him compassion. He was a kind soul and the only friend that my brother had left.

Addicts are people. They are moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, neighbors and friends. They didn’t start out in life this way. They have many various stories.

I hate drugs or excess drinking because my family felt the devastating effects from living with my brother but I don’t hate the addict.

I hate what happens to them. I hated the pain and confusion that I experienced but I didn’t hate him and feel that he was the scum of the earth.

It’s a disease just like any other diseases that people struggle with.

Agree with me. Disagree with me. You’re entitled to your opinion. But this topic brings back vivid memories and I hope no one minds me sharing how I feel.

If she is almost blind, tell her you want to take her out for a ride. Then accompany her into an AA meeting. And get yourself to a meeting for people involved with alcoholics. You may be a co-dependent.

Before you can really support your mother in healthy ways, you need to get support/help yourself.

Of course she's risking her life. This is what active alcoholics do. She is 88. Is this a surprise to you 'now' vs perhaps over decades? You ignoring obvious signs sounds like you are in denial and is a very huge red flag. Get help.

"Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions."

How can a nurse, doctor, wife, daughter or whomever, say denying an 88 year old person alcohol is not the answer?

My uncle was an alcoholic and my dad moved him into a home on our land and he did just fine without alcohol.

Another family was an alcoholic and drug user and is doing fine without alcohol and drugs.

I don't see the reasoning behind it is ok to give them alcohol.

To all of those sitting in judgement of providing the alcohol... it might not be possible for you to understand the lose, lose of this situation. Having an alcoholic for a parent is excruciatingly hard. Alcoholism is a disease and at 88 years old, this member's Mother is not likely to be able to do the work required to stop drinking. My father was an alcoholic, yes was. He's dead because he drank himself to death. There is NOTHING we as a family could do to make him stop drinking. This member should not be shamed over the pain of having to choose between two horrible choices. Mom is 88! I think we're well beyond calling the member an enabler- enabling aids in the continuation of a harmful behavior. Both choices will cause harm--that's why they are struggling and came here to ask the question.

And she never took care of meh she left my dad do all of the WORK when ever he came home my mom would say "where were you!" and when i came down stairs she pretend she was off of drugs this is why i don't ever talk to her no more she all ways Abuse's me and my dad then one day we moved out and finally stopped drinking Drugs! but we still moved out that was the only thing i was happy about and me and my dad were living with his friends and i loved them they were like a new mom to me and they were girls and sweeter girls than my mom soon to be ex mom Because one of my dads friends were getting married to my father and THEY MARRIED i was flower girl i was smiling when i was flower girl and one month she just drank one whole bottle and she still did some work and my dad wanted to get more money for all of us so he worked all day and my mom was scared that he probaly died!

Bridger,

I loved your response to my post.
You have compassion. In short, you have a kind and caring heart.

I agree. She can’t be forced into anything. I feel that she should be allowed to die in peace with dignity. That’s all I wanted for my brother in the end.

Thanks for understanding my sentiments. I saw this most of my life with him. Sounds like you have a great deal of experience. You’re wise and sensible.

Some situations cannot be fixed.

Realize that alcohol is a drug and too much is bad for you but so are a lot of prescription drugs and some foods. Don't look at yourself as perfect and take your mothers rights away..Remember the golden rule.Old people seem to loose their rights and are treated like children, especially by their adult children. Adult children even think they should interfere with their elderly parent to choose who to vote for!
Not every elderly parent has that problem .I can relate to it because I have a controlling daughter. I don't have a problem with booze but I have epilepsy and she wants to control me. I don't let her, we were on the outs because we didn't agree on who to vote for.Here is a poem by a man who was 100 in March. He wrote in 2007. My best friend is 102 and she sent it to me,

PITY THE NATION, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE SHEEP,
AND WHOSE SHEPHERDS MISLEAD THEM,
PITY THE NATION WHOSE LEADERS ARE LIARS,
WHOSE SAGES ARE SILENCED .
AND WHOSE BIGOTS HAUNT THE
AIRWAVES.
PITY THE NATION THAT RAISES
NOT ITS VOICE,
EXCEPT TO PRAISE CONQUERORS
AND ACCLAIM THE BULLY AS
A HERO
AND AIMS TO RULE THE WORLD
WITH FORCE AND BY TORTURE.
PITY THE NATION THAT KNOWS
NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ITS OWN
PITY THE NATION WHOSE BREATH IS MONEY
AND SLEEPS THE SLEEP OF THE
TOO WELL FED.
PITY THE NATION-OH PITY
THE PEOPLE WHO WHO ALLOW THEIR RIGHTS TO ERODE
AND THEIR FREEDOMS TO BE WASHED AWAY.
MY COUNTRY, TEARS OF THEE,
SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY. "
'

I have an unusual suggestion here. See if maybe you can get her to switch to marijuana. I don't know what state you are in but some states allow medical marijuana with a prescription. This is not harmful in the way alchol is. Can't overdose. Not a depressant. Many older folks are in pain everyday and painkillers have bad side effects long term. I live in an independant living place and many of my neighbors are starting to use it. They started by getting it from their children! They have found comfort in it and they don't get stoned. I have known some alchoholics years ago who made the switch to pot to avoid the bad effects of alcohol and the drunk accidents.
I can't think how you could get her to stop drinking. It is harder than most people think and can take a long time. It is a fight they must fight everyday the rest of their lives. No one can make anyone stop drinking. Many people in very bad shape die every year drinking. Very sad. You mom doesn't have much life left at this point. I know this is a heart break for you. I have visted assisted living places and they did allow residents to drink alchol and to have it in their room. If you don't want to try marijuana for your mom, I would be on the side of you getting her what she wants. I have always been a teatotaler. People laugh at me because I never drink alchol. I am glad I never started because I would not have wanted to become addicted. I have seen so much of that in others. I do not judge. Nobody wants to become addicted but it happens. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.

Seems she needs a move to an assisted living facility. Some all a certain amount of alcoholic beverages per client.

Could you just include the alcohol in the food order, no comment, just do it. After a few deliveries she might see the advantages. At her age stopping is probably not an option unless it is her choice.

Laonnie1


If YOU want to buy (help get) alcohol, drugs, cigarettes (or whatever) for someone, "That is YOUR business." (I hope you ask for forgiveness)

I for one, REFUSE to help in any way to contribute anything to anyone that will "HARM" them.

I'm not Judging any one. I am just being "honest." Do you not understand what this poison mess does to people?

Then you think I am a "bad person" because I choose not to be a part taker in doing something to hurt another person? SMH

"YET YOU WISH BAD ON ME? " You hope when I get old, I am stripped of things I desire?

What in the world?

Well, it seems like you are caught in an ethical dilemma.

I can see both sides of the issue, and each side raises valid points. Both sides point out the good and bad points of your 2 choices. And I feel very deeply for you, because there really is no good option.

I've said before: if your choices were always good v. bad, life would be simple. But, unfortunately, sometimes your choices are bad, worse and worst. And that sucks, because we are left dealing with the fallout.

So my advice is this: make the choice that you can most easily live with the inevitable consequences - because ANY choice we ever make has consequences. And you, my friend, do not need to justify your decision to anyone.

I suspect you've already, privately, made up your mind on what to do, and you're maybe looking for validation. And that's ok. You obviously love mom and want what's best, within the scope of what she's willing to do. Whichever decision you make will not make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. Be at peace with what you decide to do.

God luck.

Well I have an alcholic husband. He will NOT quit drinking or smoking!!
He has emphysema, high blood pressure and now beginning of Dementia.
Most of all of that is from Drinking and smoking:((
My hubby is 77. Im a lot younger. I was caregiver for my mother , she lived to be 100:)) no drinking, except a glass of wine with dinner or lunch and NO smoking:)
I limit my husbands drinking now, (dementia is sort of helping me) Anyway, he likes bourbon, I buy it and bring it home delute it almost 1/2 with water and I found a bourbon extract to make up for the color and taste:))))))) I give him a flask a day THATs it when its gone no more! I dont let him have it until 1pm.
He also like occasional oj and vodka, thats easy to dilute:)) as it is clear. Ive been doing this for quite a while now. Hes happy becuase he gets his bourbon and Im happy that he is not falling down drunk:((( Your mom is not going to quit at that age so maybe you do like I did and let her enjoy the rest of her life?! Maybe get her to write down her cigarettes when she has them and maybe she will cut that down as well. Good luck God Bless.

I have a similar problem, only my grandma is dependent upon us getting her alcohol. It’s a hard decision but we (my mom and I) decided to give her her Coors light, but also mix it with NA. She is 91 and recently fell. I want her to be able to enjoy the rest of her days/months/years, but I also worry about her falling (she is alone sometimes, but are setting up in home care for her). I don’t want to deceive her, but I want her to be safe. I am fine with alcohol in moderation but she is 79 lbs and her health is failing. She also has dementia and refuses medicine and often times food. I just give her whatever she wants, and mixing the two seems to be the best solution right now. She will sometimes guzzle it down which is very concerning.. but it’s making her happy. That is what I want right now. If a beer a day is that, then I guess that’s what we will do.

I believe the best answer would be to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and hear what they have to say about this predicament. Over time they have probably had to deal with a similar set of circumstances, so their collective wisdom gained through experience will probably provide the best answer to enable the OP to choose the best course of action.

My father was alcoholic all my life, my parents divorced when I was 17, 20 years of marriage. He finally stopped but would have binges every 6 months or so, he would call me the minute he spoke I knew he was drunk. So I would go to his house he was always passed out on the couch so I found all his booze, emptied them down the toilet and got rid of the bottles. And always put his car keys in the freezer where he knew to find them.
this went on until I married and moved away and couldn’t run to his house. The last time he had a binge a neighbor found him on the floor of the bathroom was there probably 3 days he couldn’t get up,
landed in the hospital found out he was also diabetic. It took that to make him stop permanently.
your Mother must have a episode that scares the sh*t out of her. And you getting the booze for her is not helping.
Remove yourself from the problem! If she wants take booze she can get it herself! Till something scares the sh*t out if her.

I had the same issue with my mom. I was getting her wine and cigarettes. She was falling a lot, getting drunk (less than 90 pounds) drinking a bottle a day. Finally I said enough, and we started watering her bottles down with juice and water. First half until we got to the point of no alcohol in the bottles at all, over a period of 3 to 4 years. One day she came in (we live next door) saying she needed wine at 9:30 at night. I reminded her that we had talked to her doctor who said no liquid after 9pm (not true by the way) - this went on for two nights, and she finally forgot about the drinking.

And her falling has almost come to an end.

Then, there was the cigarettes. I was leaving a carton at a time. I wasn't worried about her health as much as her safety from causing a fire and anyone who lives near her. So I started only giving her a pack and only when she asked for it. She eventually forgot that also although she periodically thinks she wants one, but it does fade when she doesn't get it.

Good luck. There is no good answer.

No, I wouldn't contribute to her alcohol.

Why don't you call her Insurance Co and see if she can go to rehab and get dried out.

Your mom's doctor said it best - she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.

It is better to buy it and have her safe than to not buy it and have her falling - you never know if a car will hit her!

If you want to keep your mother safe in her apartment, buy the alcohol for her.
Yes, she's an alcoholic. At this point, she needs the alcohol to live.

She'll get it one way or another. I'd probably buy it for her.

Sorry you are faced with this painful dilemma. Your mom will do anything for her alcohol because she has a strong addiction. She needs to be willing to give it up and is clearly not at least not yet. (My dad was an alcoholic so think I understand a bit of the conflict this must cause to actually “condone” something that likely caused you a boatload of pain in life.) If you do decide to get it you are not condoning the drinking but trying to keep her safe. If you don’t because it goes against every fiber in your being that is absolutely ok too. Mom makes her choices and you should for your well-being. Whatever you decide is really ok and should give the most peace. Take care.

Get it for her

Amazing! I have sadly known a lot of alcoholics. I have never ever known of one wholived to be even 60! I cannot imagine one able to walk at age 88.Also, her doctor declares her competent! So amazing! As long as her doctor says she is competent and she continues to manage her own finances, rent, etc. , i see no reason for anyone to interfereOf course you should not buy anything for her groceries or otherwise. If and only if she can manage her own affairs competently should she continue to live alone and walkt to the store.If she has doctor's approval and can take care of herself, then where she walks or what she buys is her own business. No, you should not be buying liquor nor anything else for her. If she is competent, she will do her own ordering and or shopping. i am doubting, though whether or not she is truly competent. May God bless and guide you and her.

We had this same dilemma with my grandmother. She lived with one of her children in her 80’s (my aunt). My grandmother would also walk to the liquor store everyday for liquor. My aunt and my mother decided it was best for her to go into a nursing home so she couldn’t have access to alcohol anymore. I think they contacted Social Services for help in the matter because it was such a serious problem for her safety and well-being. (Adult protective services). They may have to step in to help.

I want to add that this was sometime ago and things may have changed since then as far as how Social Services views this situation.

Tough position. In the past five years members of a family I know have lost 5 people to alcoholism. They actually died from alcohol poisoning and were told they must stop drinking. Two of which were 34 and 36 yrs old. The families dr said, ten years ago the average age of death by alcohol was 55 or higher. Today he said death in the 30 somethings is epidemic. Alcohol is serious. Just this last week we learned another member of the same family was found dead alcohol in hand. It is nearly impossible to make any one of them stop. They drank themselves to death. That is hard to fathom. At least your mom has lived a long life. I hope that is comfort enough. There is no doubt it has full grasp of her.

If you supply the alcohol, you can control the consumption, to some degree, by rationing or watering down, as others have suggested.

being an alcoholic is partly due to habit, partly due to the chemical addiction. Watering down can reduce the chemical side, while maintaining the habit.

once the chemical addiction is reduced, you *might* be able to work on the habitual side. No guarantees.

Also, the doctors opinion about competency might be wrong, especially if he or she hasn’t spent much time with the patient. Many people w dementia have spells of better or worse functioning.

My mother had a similar issue with cigarettes and I didn't want to buy them for her. She was going to get them anyway. She would even go to neighbors and beg for them. I started taking her to the store and having her go in to buy them herself. She got that bit of socialization and I didn't have to buy them and the issue was taken care of. She died at age 92 from lung cancer. She had smoked 72 years.