If it looks like your Dad does need a personal shower assistant, maybe start with a male assistant if possible? My Dad was adamant against the help ( honestly I understand ) but we shoehorned in a guy to bathe Dad and much to my surprise we could hear them laughing in the bathroom! Personality and maybe gender can help so much. That assistant was fantastic
Years ago I remember my Dad didn't want his caregiver to help him in the shower. She later told me, after fussing with Dad trying to let her help, she put her hands on her hips and said "Mr. Bob, I raised a houseful of boys, there isn't anything I haven't seen". That got Dad laughing, and it was smooth sailing after that :)
Can he shower himself? The psw can help him in and out and stand by in case there is trouble and let him do the washing in order to protect his modesty (unless he truly needs assistance), in fact doing just that is part of their training. And scheduling his showers when the psw is there ensures that they actually happen on a regular schedule and take the pressure off your mother to try to enforce this of assist beyond her physical abilities.
The problem is, if your father is mentally competent then he still has autonomy over his body and can refuse to allow a PCW to help him shower. Is he able to bathe himself properly? Maybe mom can bring in someone to help her with other things around the house.
It’s hard to answer this question directly since we don’t really have any information about dad and his limitations but wether he actually needs help in the shower or not it sure sounds like your mom is saying she needs help. It may be more about her fear that something will happen to him than his actual increasing need, it may be that she needs help and won’t ask for herself so she is focusing on dad and it might just be that he is less stable and should have someone physically capable in the house at least when he showers. Maybe the best way to approach this is through one of their doctors and ask for an evaluation of ADL’s for both of them. That way it isn’t you or your mom who are responsible for insisting on bringing someone in. It could be a “normal” evaluation for people with their health issues and not about either one of them specifically being the spouse that needs “help”. Maybe the answer is someone there helping with other things around the house for a few hours 2-3 times a week while each of your parents shower “in case” someone slips and falls to put everyone’s fears at rest but not to “shower” them.
Have you observed your Father attempting to do this on his own? If not then you need to do this. You do not need to stay in the bathroom with him when he is naked. Stay with him until just before. Step outside DO NOT LEAVE THE DOOR. See how it goes. If it a successful process and Father seemed to do ok.. well. If not well.... that answers the question.
If you Mom is having problems getting around her self she certianly should not be burdoned with trying to manuver a man that may also be too heavy for her to handle. If you observe that this does not work and they can afford it, hire someone. You could also in an interim have Father wait to shower until you can be there as a back up to him.
I think having someone there to help if help is needed is a good plan. I used to be in the bathroom and would use an angled mirror to watch my husband. I continued that until I saw that he actually needed help. Then we started using the HUGE shower (that is a zero threshold shower. ) Was easier and safer. I purchased walkers from resale shops that he would use for support. Even though there were great grab bars I could not get him to use them. Better safe than sorry. Start with “the shower assistant is there just in case you need anything” he will get used to it.
He needs to do it if he says he could do it himself and your mother shouldn't have to suffer. Apparently he can't do it by himself if your mom is suffering.
It is very difficult for most people, I think, to accept that they need help with showering and even more difficult when the person is male and most assistants are female. There really is no great answer unfortunately. A male assistant can be requested but that usually can’t (and shouldn’t be) promised because a female would probably come to help at least some of the time. You could offer reassurance to your Dad that the assistants help many people with showering. This might help him be more comfortable.
In general, my Dad had a chair specifically designed for use in the shower to sit on while he showered. He also used a handheld showering device to rinse himself. You could try body wash so there would be less worry that the bar of soap would fall where he couldn’t reach it (or that he might step on it). If money is not an issue, replacing the bathtub with a walk-in shower is helpful so he wouldn’t have to climb into the tub.
Overall though, showering is very dangerous. My personal opinion is that an assistant standing outside the door is of little help if your Dad became unsteady and started to falter. I think better to be near the person so support could be provided if needed. If your Mom thinks your Dad needs help, he probably does. If she is unable, someone else should be located. Better to be safe than sorry. Having an assistant help is far better than falling and breaking a leg (or worse).
What can she do if he refuses help? Tough situation.
Does he need help or is he just slow due to his age? She can’t expect him to move quickly like when he was younger.
She is most likely thinking about accidents that happen in the shower. My mom had a terrible fall in the shower with me standing right next to her.
When I saw bright red blood flowing through her beautiful white hair, it scared me to death. So, yeah I get her concern.
I also understand that he wants to be independent as long as he can be. They both are struggling with getting older.
Best wishes to you and your family.
If not well.... that answers the question.
If you Mom is having problems getting around her self she certianly should not be burdoned with trying to manuver a man that may also be too heavy for her to handle. If you observe that this does not work and they can afford it, hire someone. You could also in an interim have Father wait to shower until you can be there as a back up to him.
I used to be in the bathroom and would use an angled mirror to watch my husband. I continued that until I saw that he actually needed help. Then we started using the HUGE shower (that is a zero threshold shower. ) Was easier and safer. I purchased walkers from resale shops that he would use for support. Even though there were great grab bars I could not get him to use them.
Better safe than sorry. Start with “the shower assistant is there just in case you need anything” he will get used to it.
In general, my Dad had a chair specifically designed for use in the shower to sit on while he showered. He also used a handheld showering device to rinse himself. You could try body wash so there would be less worry that the bar of soap would fall where he couldn’t reach it (or that he might step on it). If money is not an issue, replacing the bathtub with a walk-in shower is helpful so he wouldn’t have to climb into the tub.
Overall though, showering is very dangerous. My personal opinion is that an assistant standing outside the door is of little help if your Dad became unsteady and started to falter. I think better to be near the person so support could be provided if needed. If your Mom thinks your Dad needs help, he probably does. If she is unable, someone else should be located. Better to be safe than sorry. Having an assistant help is far better than falling and breaking a leg (or worse).
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