My frail mother (88) wants to stay up until 11pm every night.

My goodness, that sounds exhausting! I don't have concrete suggestions, other than to repeat what I read in a post on here months ago that has stuck with me: caregiving has to be a partnership, a two-way street. You have needs, too, and are every bit as important as your mother.

I share the care of my elderly quadriplegic dad with my sister, and even though he is easygoing and reasonable, it would be almost impossible to do everything myself. And even with two people caring for him he does wind up starting his day much later in the morning than I know he would prefer. Frankly we just need time in the morning to have coffee and get a few of our own things done before we can start the long day of taking care of him. (We do some basic things first thing like a glass of water, turning him to another position in the bed, opening the shades and turning on his beloved National Public Radio, etc., but don't start his meds, bed bath and breakfast until later.) I am so grateful that he seems to realize this and accept it.

I hope others have some good suggestions for you.

My mom never went to bed before 11pm, even when she was in the nursing home. They accommodated this as they said determining her bedtime was her right. Mom liked to stay up late and watch TV.

Now, with only one caregiver " on staff" ( and you can see why I'm in favor of nursing home care, perhaps), can there be compromise? Can mom be readied for bed and be put to bed but continue whatever activity she likes in bed? Reading, watching tv, knitting? Or is it that she craves company?

Sounds like Mom's circadian schedule is not in alignment with yours. One thing we have tried and it worked is to gently move our Mom to her "room" (and into bed) when we were ready for bed, get her comfortable w/the remote, book, water, and light snack. We simply said, "Goodnight, see you in the morning," and that was that. It took some fussing on her part, but we were adamant we needed us time and shared that with her. I would say it took about a week, and it worked.

Like children, adults (young and senior both), need structure and routine. I know it may sound dictatorial, but routine is important if you are to keep your sanity and it sets the expectations for your LO. Be sure to keep a night or two a week for yourself AWAY from the house (a self-date night)as well and if you have a caregiver or family member come in to stay with your LO, have them adhere to your routine and explain the importance.

Sending you well wishes, payers and a ton of cosmic support!

Is it possible to get her all tucked in at 9pm, have a TV in her room? You can time the TV to go off at a certain time. My problem was trying to keep Mom up. About 8pm she would start to doze off. I wanted her up till at least till nine so she wouldn't get up too early in the morning. I am not an early riser.

Is Mom able to understand that you need “me” time in the evening? Are you still caring for your dad? Because you say he goes to bed much earlier. Can you use him as an example? I got to my room at 10PM mostly just for some alone time. Sometimes I read until midnight.

If she’s used to being in bed at 11:30, 9PM might be a little too early at first. Try starting at 10. Be honest with her. I was with Hubby.

I had the same problem with mom but slowly directed her into her room earlier & earlier. She's on liquid restriction because of CHF so I use her last 10 oz of water as the signal for everyone in their own room by 7:30. Meds are given at that time, a light snack, she has tv, books, her potty. I say goodnight & I'll see you at 11AM. It's a joke because she's up by 6 but most days stays in her room now until 7:45. At first it was 4-5 times up & down with different excuses, then it was coming out for breakfast when she woke up. Time & my explaining over & over that 8 is a good time to begin the day because really that's huge for me since I've always been a late riser. I loved swing shift when I worked. She's gotten into the routine, but she stays up watching tv or reading until 11 or later every night. Shes always up by 8 anyway. I suggest enticing her into her room a bit earlier every few days but allowing her the freedom to stay up. You'll have to figure out what will get her to go. How about at 9 you control the main remote & suddenly watch boring programs. Her own tv in her room might look better.