My 87 yr old mother moved in with me and my husband 9 months ago. I've been feeling resentful and trapped. How do you get rid of the guilt? -

My 87 yr old mother moved in with me and my husband 9 months ago. I've been feeling resentful and trapped. How do you get rid of the guilt?


We lived on Long Island for our whole lives and always dreamed of moving out of state in our later years, so we did 9 months ago. We our thrilled with our decision, and mom has adjusted nicely. Lately I've been feeling a little resentful and trapped. I feel very guilty for this, however I can't go out for the whole day, as she expects her dinner at the same time everyday. She's not really capable of doing much for herself anymore. I have an aide in 3 hours every morning except weekends to help bathe and get her dressed. She has moderate dementia and doesn't do well with any kind of change. My husband and I want to go away for a couple of weeks in July and were going to put her into a nice respite facility so she would be cared for while we are away. I'm stressing out about letting her know this, as she punishes me by giving us the silent treatment and acts extremely spoiled and childish. I don't know how to handle this. How do you get rid of the guilt?



Thanks for your suggestions. I have POA. That's something I did not think of. As far as the guilt. I guess I will have to learn to let go of it, although not so easy. I have 2 siblings that are out of state and no help at all, which I guess where some of my resentment comes from. I'm trying very hard to let go of it.
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Reply to Arcusio

Hi Arcusio. I am assuming since you moved that you do not have family in this area that could step in and take care of your mom for a couple of weeks? I know this is a hard time for you and especially since your Mom has some dementia but I'm sure in the future years you will be glad you opened you heart and home. Your husband must be a wonderful man to also have stepped up to the plate to help. Kudos to him.
As for you breaking the news to her and you feeling guilty.... With the dementia she probably won't remember if you tell her soon so she can adjust to the idea because she will forget. I wouldn't break the news until a couple of weeks before so you don't have to go through that discussion several times. There is no way you aren't going to feel guilty for it because she isn't going to be happy. She isn't responsible for her reactions and probably can't help outbursts and seeming to be childish.
I would make sure you do your homework on the specific facility that you are leaving her at to make sure they are reputable and that they won't giver her medication to make her sleep most of the time. If she has a DNR, please don't tell them or sign one, that puts your mother's health decisions in their hands. A Medical Power of Attorney that lists you and someone else responsible for her care so that they do not have the right to make those decision is important. Be careful with our loved ones and their care. I lost my Mom at age 87 while she was in respite care. I know you will do your homework. Wishing you the very best during this period of your life and pray you have many years with your Mom.
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Reply to Iknowthetruth