My 85-year-old mother has Alzheimer's and needs to go to the doctor, but won't because her boyfriend tells her I'm trying to "put her away." What should I do? - AgingCare.com

My 85-year-old mother has Alzheimer's and needs to go to the doctor, but won't because her boyfriend tells her I'm trying to "put her away." What should I do?

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Her boyfriend is 79-year-old.

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You MUST act in your mother's best interests. Clearly no one else is. Will be praying for you both.
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Call Adult Protective Services! Soon
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I would call APS again and report the abuse to her you witnedded and also call the police and make out a report of what you saw and I would call APS at least once a week to ask what is being done and if it was a social worker that went to the house or a caseworker I would also as has been suggested call an elder lawyer and I would also call Social SERVICE in your county and if they blow you off call the state social service and call anyone else you think might be of health if you do nothing you could be charged by APS for not taking any action also her MD should be called and maybe a neighbor could pay her a visit every few days-she can not help herself at this time and since she is not getting proper meals and is not clean that alone along with the abuse is serious could her clergy visit her you need documentation from every one who visits her or is not allowed in the house and the APS worker who went to the house needs to be reported and I would visit her each day at different times and write down what you observe. In some states APS is very ineffective I was a victum of a report to APS wrongly made by a home care nurse working for one of two medicare agencies in my county. I was able to make a report against the case worker who pretended to be a social worker by a poliction running for office who dropped by for endorement who happen to be involved with social service in two counties and followed up reporting this women so I know APS in my state is a joke.
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'ezcare' is right on track. There are so any unscrupulous people waiting to manipulate/control and scam people in your mother's situation. You should stand up to 'boyfriend's' under-handed behavior with an elder law attorney to help you stop him from acquiring POA...if he has not already done so! If your mother is pretty far along with Alzheimer's, adult protective services may be able to help get the guy out of the picture...but dealing with them is a whole 'nuther ball of red tape.
Too bad one of the experts on this website has not weighed in
to give you some advice & broad direction in which to proceed.
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Foxy, I just want to add to my other post that it definitely sounds like it is time for your mother to be put into a nursing home.
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Foxey,
Seems like the problem here is not your mother but her live-in boyfriend. Also seems like his interest in her is financial not for her welfare. Forget trying to be reasonable or trying to keep the peace. Yo are the adult in this situation and your mother is clearly in danger. You MUST take very direct action or he can wind up with POA and become the executor of your mother's estate. Here's what you need to do: 1) Seek out a reputable Elder-law Attorney in your mom's town. Make sure her live-in has no ties with this person. You need qualified legal help to file a formal complaint because elder abuse laws are tricky to navigate. You will also have to document the kinds of behavior you have observed and get other witnesses--like neighbors or her friends to corroborate. Adult Protective Services is probably doing this but you have to get them on the fast track.
2) You need to shield your mother from the turbulence. Her boyfriend is using her fear to keep her out of the decision loop. Don't play into this. Do not discuss anything with your mother when he is present--not even the weather. The time to discuss matters like POA and her future care will be when Adult Protective Services issues a restraining order against him and he is taken out of the picture. That is why you have to get your legal ducks in order with an attorney first.
This will be a lot easier for you if you think ROLE REVERSAL. You are the parent and your mother is the child. How would you protect your child from this danger?
We are all on your side. Good luck!
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I agree with Pamela. Take her to the doctor if that is what she needs. It is really none of his business.
He has no guardianship rights, I assume?
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This "boyfriend" has no guardianship rights, I assume?
Take the ball out of his court, now!
I agree with Pamela 6148. Take her to the doctor regardless of what he says. It is none of his business!
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Wow, Foxy. My heart really goes out to you. Such a sad situation and I feel for your mother as well. You can't just sit by and wait when your mother is in danger.

Surely this situation has happened to others with Alzheimer's. I wonder if a national Alzheimer's association or support group would have better ideas.

2 good Alzheimer's Support Programs that I know of are:
1. The Duke Family Support Program offers a wide variety of well-written resources for caregivers who are trying to manage their emotions by helping them understand them. One particular resource, http://www.geri.duke.edu/service/dfsp/links.htm.
2. “Pressure Points: Alzheimer’s and Anger” helps caregivers navigate through their emotions in a compelling booklet. The booklet can be ordered for $8 through the site.

Best of Luck.
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This is the strangest situation I've ever heard.........an eighty-five year old has a manipulative controlling boyfriend who causes his "girlfriend" to take sides against her daughter?
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