Follow
Share

Over the last two weeks she keeps knocking on my door and asking me to help her with many tasks. She hides money and then forgets she has it and will ask me several times a day to take her to the bank. She tells people in the building she has hidden money and can’t find it. She also accuses me and others of taking her money. She forgets she has the stove on and I smell burning and have to remind her to turn off her stove. Her apartment is filthy and she has had bug problems in the past. She has taken to answering the door in her underwear. She doesn’t eat very much and doesn’t bathe very often. She came to my apartment 7 times in one day. She also drives! I am afraid she will set her apartment on fire. Her family lives two hours away and knows she is this bad but haven’t taken any steps to help her. I am disabled and do what I can but I don’t feel this is my problem. I don’t mind helping once in a while but it is every day. I have spent hours helping her find items/money she has misplaced but then she hides it again. I did take her to a doctor appointment and she couldn’t tell him what day of the week it was, the date, the month or the year. She also didn’t know who the president was. Recently she has become very aggressive, hitting people with her cane and yelling at them/me. Should I call Social Services? This is a regular apartment building, not a residential care one.

Find Care & Housing
Just want to add that we don't always have to "do it". I believe in pointing people in the right direction. Giving them the info they need to remain independent. If they choose not to use that info, then its on them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

We are raised to help each other but not told how much help is too much. People DO take advantage. You DO become "it" and thats not fair when their is family that can step in and resolve the problem.

I helped a friend some 10 years ago. Started with Mom. She needed someone to drive her to out of town appts because she had no sight in her left eye. No problem, once maybe twice a month. Then it was driving the GF, then her daughter, then the oldest and thats where I told DH no. These people could have made choices. They could have found doctors closer to home. The daughter could have gotten a licence and drove. (Think there was some autism there but high functioning) Mom seemed to be keeping her daughter dependent on her. I stopped because of babysitting Gson.

GF died in 2013. Daughter married shortly before. Other daughter is in the Wind. Father passed in 2015. GF and Mom were only children. Dad was the youngest so most of his siblings were gone and those left were in their 90s and living in another State. Mom just died a few months back. I feel guilty for not visiting but I was afraid she would cling to me and become needy. I did not want to be at anyones beck and call. I had gson till 2014 when I had to take Mom in. She passed in 2017. I needed to just breath and have no responsibilities. Yes, and I feel a little guilty about that. We are raised to help others. But I wonder sometimes, who will be there for me.

So in your situation you have done what you could. Now someone else needs to take the reins.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 17, 2021
The OP’s situation has been resolved but great advice! People need to say ‘no’ more often. We can raise our children and share with grandchildren that sometimes it is necessary to tell others no. No one should be expected to do more than we can possibly do.
(0)
Report
So glad that your situation was resolved.

All the best!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
Report

You are doing fine, everything right to get your neighbor some help.

Be patient. It is a dangerous situation for your neighbor, and the people living there.

When my neighbor had reached this point:

After- APS came and interviewed her in her underwear.
After-the Fire Dept. informed me that she would have to call 911 herself, or
basically fall and 911 would come, but until then, they could not do anything.
After- she is at my door again, my dH answers and says wait; and she follows him (smoking a cigarette) to my bedroom where I am asleep.
After- her son was stopped just outside and the problem was described to him.
After- sharing with all the neighbors, hoping for some help for her.

Then, after- she falls, and 911 took her away. She was later placed in a Board & Care home by her son, never returning home again. Too bad they waited that long.

What did I do?

On the day she fell, I told her that I would not help her anymore, and that the symptoms she was having were like a heart attack, and she needed medical care. She went home, and 4 hours later, 911 was there because she fell outside and a neighbor saw her and called 911.

Sometimes, if we are always there for someone needing more care, help does not come unless we back off trying to help. That is a hard position to take.

Hands off approach may work for you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Sendhelp
Report
Alicefive Jun 16, 2021
That is exactly what I did. She came to my door and kept knocking for over 5 minutes until I couldn’t stand it anymore and answered it. She started yelling at me saying I was interfering in her life and that she can take care of herself. I reminded her that she was the one constantly asking for help and reiterated all the things she had asked me to do and the places I had taken her. Of course she didn’t remember any of that. So two hours later she was back asking me to take her to the bank. I told her no. She asked several more times, returning every 10 minutes or so. I told her no every time. Of course it was dark and after bank hours. This morning I went to the complex office and they informed me they had also called APS after the man she tried to hit filed a complaint. So I agree with you, there is only so much you can do and after you have done that it is time to distance yourself.
(2)
Report
It has been nice of you to help her but as you know, it is not your responsibility. It is way too much for you to do.

I'm also glad you called APS and that things are going to be taken care of. Real soon. This poor woman needs help and it is sad that her family is not ready to help her get what she needs to be safe.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to againx100
Report

Thanks so much for the update.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

So glad you called APS. You could have saved more than just her life, thereby. Thanks for being a good neighbor.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Just an update. I called APS and they are going to do a check. I have been dealing with this everyday over a two week period and today is the next day after I called. My neighbor has not knocked on my door today at all. I was able to get the daughters phone number. I called several times over the weekend but she never picked up. I was hoping they would come here but no one did. So I gave it to APS. Not a moment too soon as last night I and three others witnessed my neighbor take a swing at another tenant last night. It didn’t make contact but the tenant told me they were making a complaint.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Alicefive
Report

For this lady's safety, you need to call APS.

Her family may have tried to "reason" with her and been shown the door (by her).
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Thanks for answering. I feel terrible for doing this but someone needs to help her. We have had two minor fires in the complex in the past year and I am hoping to avoid another one. And I don’t want my neighbor to get hurt of course.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Alicefive
Report
Geaton777 Jun 10, 2021
Alicefice you should NOT feel terrible calling APS -- this is how she will begin to get the care and protection she needs since her own family seems to not care and you have no legal authority or moral obligation to be her caregiver. If she attacks anyone again or even makes just verbal threats you must call 911 immediately and report her as this may kick-start her protection faster than waiting for APS. Bless you for taking action!
(4)
Report
Yes! By all means call them right away. Do you have her family members phone number? You could give that to the APS.
You say the family knows. How is it that you know that? Have you spoken to them already? If your neighbor told you that, she may be right but she could also be wrong. Her brain is obviously broken.
You could also call the police and ask for a wellness check and they might be able to call the family and APS for faster action. Usually the police have a non emergency number you can call to discuss things with.
Let us know what works to get some action taken. You sound like a good neighbor.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report
Alicefive Jun 10, 2021
Several other neighbors have complained to the family but were told to mind their own business. Thanks for answering, my neighbor won’t give me her daughters phone number but I am hoping someone here has it so I can give to APS.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Yes, you should call Adult Protection Services, tell them what you said here, that should be enough for them to do a welfare check.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to mstrbill
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter