My 83 year old narcissistic mother is threatening to commit suicide. Any advice?

If she committed suicide she wouldn't get attention anymore. That's the last thing she'd want.

Just go when you planned.

Am I seeing this clearly? You go visit your mother every 4 months or so for a month and have plans to do this in 2 weeks? Your mom is 83 with mental issues if not age related cognitive decline and your brother is there with her now, you stick to your plan. My mother who has never had a narssasitic characteristic in her life can be self centered and some might say narcissistic now, your mother has just been more practiced at it over her life by the sounds of it. A parent who has been naesassitic throughout their lives is likely to get worse as they age, you mother knows how to manipulate her children and get you to jump when she wants to without any real sense of caring what it might do to you. She isn’t purposely hurting you she just only knows she wants what she wants and should have it. Not suggesting this is rite or excused just that you and I can never really understand her perspective.

She is 83 and as she tells it miserable which may be the case but that doesn’t mean you or your brother are responsible for her happiness, that impossible. I can’t really put myself in your place as you have history I can’t relate to but I would like to think I would say to her something like this; “well that’s your choice Mom I can’t stop you and I am sorry for my brother that you aren’t happy with him until I arrive after all he is giving up to be with you but I know that if you choose to do that it won’t be my fault or his. We will be sad but if that’s what makes you happy we can take comfort in that. Hopefully I will see you in two weeks when I have my travel plans. I love you”

Make sure you and your brother know that you aren’t responsible should she do this. It sure sounds to me anyway that you are doing everything you can and probably more than you need to keep her safe and healthy, if that doesn’t make her happy enough to want to stay on this earth, that’s her choice not your responsibility. Frankly at 83 I think a person should have the rite to decide it’s time to pass but that’s a different subject. Good luck and hold strong.

You have to stop allowing your mother to control what you do or don't do, as your health is being affected negatively.
Next time she threatens to kill herself, say.... well I was so looking forward to seeing you in 2 weeks, but if you'd rather die before I get there, I will honor that. Just let us know if you're wanting to be buried or cremated and where you want your final resting place to be.
That should shut her up and call her bluff. And if not, that's on her, not you and your brother.

I totally agree with the comments made that an 83 yo person who threatens suicide is very unlikely to actually do it.

My mom used this tactic on us kids ALL.OUR.LIVES.

All it did was make the 4 kids who are mellow and unfazed by life just ignore her. The 2 of us who were intrinsically anxious took it to heart and my whole dang LIFE until I was over 30 yo to finally realize she had no intention whatsoever or hurting herself.

I will never forget the feeling of being the first kid home from school and walking down the hall to her bedroom (the door was always locked) and standing at the door with my ear pressed up against listening for some sound that would let me know that, no, she hadn't killed herself today.

Rinse and repeat.

She died of natural causes last August, never having accepted mental health counseling of any kind.

If this is new behavior, I'd try to get to the bottom of it, but if it's the way she is..well, my heart aches for you. A kid of ANY age should not have to deal with a narc and their many issues.

I'd find a good therapist to work with through this. Nobody gets everything they want, and using this mean and frightening tactic is just cruel. At ANY age.

Yes, their talking about it should be addressed, and I finally got the courage to tell mom that if she wanted to do that--just to please not leave a mess. She never used suicide as a threat to me again. And BTW, I was 30 years old when I told her this.

Mother is continuing to play you like a fiddle.

I'd tell her what Funky recommended and then block her calls.

The question is, when do you put yourself First? You may die first at this rate, God forbid.

Then who is mother gonna manipulate?

First of all, DO NOT allow your mother to manipulate and control you with her abusive games which is exactly what she is trying to do.
When she starts with the verbal abuse over the phone, that's when you end the call. Her games will stop when everyone refuses to play them.
Tell her plainly that you're glad to make the long trip to visit, but it will be on your schedule, not hers. Also, make sure you have an alternative place to stay if you do visit. If she gets abusive, you end the visit and go.
Your mother is probably not completely devoid of human empathy. She just doesn't have any for you. I hope your brother fares better with her than you do. I'm sure she doesn't wish you any actual harm. She probably does have a lot of jealousy and resentment towards you because she is not the center or your life and doesn't control your life.
As for the threatening to commit suicide. Please. No one reaches the age of 83 years because they're serious about ending their life. My mother is 85 and has been pulling this attention-seeking, abusive crap to scare us kids into submission and to get the attention and pity from others that she endlessly craves since I was in kindergarten. I'm 50 now and she's still pulling it. My father used to tell her to go ahead and do the kids a favor. I tell her go ahead and don't make a mess because I ain't cleaning it up.
I lost two people that I loved so much to suicide. They said nothing. They gave no indication. There were no threats and they didn't have their swan song. They just went ahead and did it.
Believe me when I tell you, if your mother truly wanted to end her life it would not because you're not letting her be in control of your life. Tolerating her abuse and playing her games will not prevent her from killing herself if she's really intent on it. She isn't though.
So for your own sake, put her in her place and tell her to cut the crap or you will not visit her. Your brother should do the same.

If your mother really wants to commit suicide, it is almost impossible to prevent her doing it. There are always ways when people are determined. And let’s face it – it might be the easy way out for her and everyone else. Stop being so frightened about the threats and the verbal abuse!

Lonely,

You haven’t done anything wrong to feel guilty about!

You certainly are correct in referring to your brother as “poor brother” since he is with her now. You know that he is getting an earful of her nonsense.

I am one to take suicide attempts seriously. I have had suicide in my family and a couple of my friends have sadly ended their lives. It’s an awful experience.

Yet, we all know that some people use suicide as a way to torture others. It’s a manipulative tactic that is cruel and absurd.

You have already told her when you will visit. You don’t have to repeat your answer. She is using your responses as ammunition to attack you. So, don’t participate in her arguments.

In fact, if you must keep in touch, only communicate with your brother. He doesn’t have to share your conversation with your mom. I wouldn’t place him in the middle. No one appreciates being in the middle of a conflict.

Don’t answer your phone. In situations like this, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. So don’t speak to her. What’s the point? Nothing will be accomplished by further phone calls except for the fact that it will cause more anxiety for you. It’s not worth it.

Don’t raise your blood pressure. Save yourself from getting a headache by trying to control a situation that you will never be able to control. Some people are impossible to please.

Take a deep breath. Do something enjoyable for yourself. You deserve it!

No matter what I did, it was never enough for my mother. She threatened to kill herself because I refused to leave my husband and children to be with her 24/7/365. She is now in care. (we’re both in Canada)

You, and I, and many others, have been conditioned to feel as if our mothers’ emotions are our responsibility. They are not.

What can you do? Little. Remember, you cannot control how she reacts to you. But you can control how you react to her.

Tell her that you will see her when you see her, and, should she decide to take her own life over having to wait while you mother your own son, thank her for having been your mother, and you will miss her.

"well I might just end my life myself so you & your brother can be free from me. But I will leave a note to say to others that my children abandoned me ". You can do here exactly what Burnts Dad said "go ahead and do "us" a favor" (us in place off the children) You have to play it back.

I get overwhelmed when I have too much coming at me. I hate that feeling so I no longer do more than I know I am capable of doing. You are not capable of being what your MOM wants in a daughter. Your Mom is probably not really sure. I would be honest with Mom when she gets started. "Mom, I am sorry but I can't do this anymore. Your demands are not rational. And trying to be, and I am trying to be, the daughter you seem to need I am not capable of being. I think no daughter could be what you expect unless they sacrificed their whole life for you. There 24/7. Sorry, I am entitled to having my own family, friends and a job. If you want to be a part of my life, then u must stop thinking u should be the center of it. Your not, my family is #1. I am suffering from anxiety because you expect more than I can give you. My health is being effected. You have to stop the guilt trips. If you can't be just a loving mother, than my visits are going to be longer in between and shorter in how long I stay. If you can't do that for me, then I can no longer visit."

Really, I can't imagine spending 1 month with someone who has not one nice thing to say to me. And nothing I do is good enough. I may even tell that person, nice to be perfect. I go with one of the replies, stay in a motel. Then u can get away when u need to. Or at least, have an escape plan. And a month. Two weeks maybe one.

Make a list of some of the replies you liked. Then go to a quiet place and read them again. Maybe 2x. Then tell yourself it is not me, its Mom. Mom is the unreasonable one. She just wants what she wants without considering what you need to do to get her what she wants. For the last 22 yrs its not, you get your ticket, get to the airport, get on the plane. You have to go thru so much before u can get on that plane. And the cost. And its hard to change reservations once you have them, too. Just thinking about all this gives me anxiety. 😊