My 82 year old husband is becoming more unreasonable. Any advice?

Also, it isn’t advisable to take on caregiver duties without having POA. That’s water over the dam in this case, though. Anyone else reading this, be warned. Don’t do it!

How about dropping him off at POA stepson for an extended visit? You could use the time to visit a lawyer.

It sounds to me as though you feel that his children have POA and therefore call all the shots about his care. It certainly makes things difficult, because they don’t see what’s happening. The first step might be (like on another current thread) to take video of his difficult behavior, to see if that helps the children to get the right picture. It sounds as though they are more than happy to leave it all up to you, and not enquire too hard about the problems. A video might change things.

If that doesn’t work, your only alternative is probably to reconsider yourself and what you choose to do. If you stop your care, his children are going to have to face a decision about their father. You took 2 months off without pay for your health. It might be better to take another 2 weeks off without pay, and go away for a break. Suggest that one of the offspring move in to care for that time. Your talk with them might also cover your finances – why are you worrying about how YOU are going to pay the bills?

If that too doesn’t work, just leave him on his own for the two weeks. Sometimes things have to get worse before any change can happen.

Divorce is not an easy step (though marriage can be more of a hole than a step). But there are ways to bring things to a head that come before the finality of a divorce and an asset split. The ‘steps’ above at a minimum mean that divorce wouldn’t come out of the blue for anyone involved. You all need a fresh consideration about what to do.

Please start videoing him in his tirades and other verbal abuse and call an Adult Protective Services Counselor to evaluate your situation and evaluate him for placement along with a Medicaid application.

He has dementia. He isn't the person he used to be, and a demented person doesn't have the mental ability to call the shots. If you're the POA, you can take charge and place him in a facility. If someone else has the POA, resign as main caregiver and let that person place him.

You are still relatively young and have a job, which means you have enough independence to change your life to whatever makes you happy. If you own your home jointly with your husband, the POA gives you the power to sell it, split the funds, and divorce him. His share pays for his memory care, your share buys you a smaller home or rental without him in it. If you don't have POA, you still own the home jointly and a lawyer can tell you how to safeguard your interest in it.

He is probably beyond assisted living at this point, so memory care's the place he needs to be. Ask his doctor for help in placing him, and please take care of your own mental health so you'll have the strength to move on by yourself. Wherever you end up, if it's without him, you'll be much better off.

Does your husband have an assigned PoA? I'm asking because this is a second marriage and he has an adult son. If you are the PoA you do what works for you so that you don't burn out. Any help from other children will just result in them burning out as well, so change your hope/expectation about that. He needs to go into a care facility or you need to revisit a hired in-home companion/caregiver for him. If he doesn't like the helper, you tell him that person is there for you, not him. Then change the topic.

The time is now to make a change in his living arrangements(aka memory care/assisted living). You are at the point where you now must do not only what is best for him, but also what is best for you.
When it's no longer safe for him to live at home(which it is no longer)changes must be made, as you can't go on much longer the way things are. You will end up being the caregiver that dies before the one they're caring for due to stress.
Please don't be.

It's time NOW to place your DH in Memory Care Assisted Living. He's not trying to be a jerk.......he has dementia which has caused his brain to misfire and confuse him. He should never be alone at any time, even while you work, it's too dangerous as there is a TON of mischief he can get into while alone, like wandering off alone outside, mixing chemicals together and asphyxiating himself, burning the house down while trying to cook on the stove.....the list is too long to mention. Truly.


I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2


Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.

Good luck to you.