My 81-year-old father with moderate dementia lives in an independent living apartment. He met a female resident with a similar condition 10 days ago, and he moved in with her! What can I do? - AgingCare.com

My 81-year-old father with moderate dementia lives in an independent living apartment. He met a female resident with a similar condition 10 days ago, and he moved in with her! What can I do?

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My 81 yr old father living in an indep living apt. w/ moderate dementia seems to have "moved in" w/ female res in same condition. Help! He met her 10 days ago and they hit it off. I don't know if he thinks they are married (both have lost a spouse in last 2-3 years). He never would have considered such a thing even a year ago. He has fear at night and wanders halls, but seems to have stopped since with her. Don't know what to do. Do I try to have him stay in his apt.? make him understand he isn't married? have talked to her family and they are letting things stand for now. Both elders seem happier. Had seen problems with living situation and began checking out assisted living before this happened. Now will have problem getting him to move. Do I force it?

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stressed1, this posting was 3 years ago. Does anyone know what happened?
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I join others in applauding your dad for finding someone he likes. Good for both of them! Things may change in the future, so I am glad they are happy now. I would say let him enjoy.
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I did not read the other posts but I would wait and see does any of your sibs or you have POA that would be my only fear.
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Pat him on the back, and say "right-on dad!"
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I will never forget when my mother informed me that my grandmother had a live in boyfriend (she was 80 at the time). My mother was very upset and felt that the who situation was "wrong". My philisophy is more along the lines of when you get to be a certain age, you have earned the right todo what makes you happy. If no one is beig harmed by this arrangement then what is the harm? It seems that this is a situation that could actually be helpful to both parties concerned.
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Another thing that went wrong in my mom's case was that her boyfriends children were not there helping him amd were not aware of how much he was going downhill, and we got stuck with a lot of the care and looking after him that his kids should have done. A lot of this mom took on herself because she loved him and cared about him, but when mom's health deteriorated, then I got stuck with it. His kids started out having him have home care come in after he was diagnosed with dimentia, he hated that and wouldn't let them in the door to help him. Then they tried assisted living, the assisted living workers couldn't deal with him because he was abusive and wouln't let them help him, he wanted my mom to help him. Finally he was sent to a nursing home across town in another facility where he got the care that he needed, by then he had gotten very beligerent with his kids for not taking him in and letting him stay out at his lake house. By then his kids were not able to handle him because of his temper and outbursts, he really needed 24-hour care in an Alzheimers unit. Anyway, it was sad to see such an intelligent, loving man go downhill so fast with dementia and Alzheimers, and doubly sad for mom, she is still in grief therapy and she is now in constance pain from trigeminal neuralgia that we can't get stopped with the treatment availble in our state. Anyway, be sure his kids are not going to pawn off his care on your mom or you and be sure they are actively involved in his care.
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just make sure she cant get a hold of his money- how lucky for him - i wish my mom had someone- she used to about a month ago say i wonder if my husband is coming home- they have been divorced for 35 yrs. so i just say i think he had to work overtime and she said ya probably..... hasnt said anything since (but dementia has worsened) just looks at her ring. good luck
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Imw124, When I was 15 and fell in love (with my someday husband) I wanted him all the more when my folks tried to separate us. I had to smile at your story how your mom wanted to keep her boyfriend all the more when her family tried to stop her. I guess there is a reason they call getting old the 'second childhood' isn't there?
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If my dad's demensia wasn't rapidly getting worse I would probably do the same thing as lmw124. The main problelm is that neither one of them has good judgement or reasoning anymore. That is why I was getting ready to move him before this happened. His doctor also recommened moving him to assisted living within the next 2 or 3 months. I know the same thing could happen again in assisted living, but at least he would be monitored more closely. I am worried that the longer this goes on the harder it will be to get him ajusted to a new place.
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now days people just dont marry anymore . they just live together to help each other out and for companiship .
i would just hang on to his apt just in case he has to move back in it one day . that way he wont lose his home .
i know a lady that fell in love with a guy across the hall . he made her happy and she acted like high school girl . gigling and all . lasted few years /
then he passed away , broke her heart , dang it .
as long as theyre happy no need to try mess that up . but when it comes to marraige yeah we gotta try to stop that cuz it messes everything up .
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