Follow
Share

My 81 yr old father living in an indep living apt. w/ moderate dementia seems to have "moved in" w/ female res in same condition. Help! He met her 10 days ago and they hit it off. I don't know if he thinks they are married (both have lost a spouse in last 2-3 years). He never would have considered such a thing even a year ago. He has fear at night and wanders halls, but seems to have stopped since with her. Don't know what to do. Do I try to have him stay in his apt.? make him understand he isn't married? have talked to her family and they are letting things stand for now. Both elders seem happier. Had seen problems with living situation and began checking out assisted living before this happened. Now will have problem getting him to move. Do I force it?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
stressed1, this posting was 3 years ago. Does anyone know what happened?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I join others in applauding your dad for finding someone he likes. Good for both of them! Things may change in the future, so I am glad they are happy now. I would say let him enjoy.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I did not read the other posts but I would wait and see does any of your sibs or you have POA that would be my only fear.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Pat him on the back, and say "right-on dad!"
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I will never forget when my mother informed me that my grandmother had a live in boyfriend (she was 80 at the time). My mother was very upset and felt that the who situation was "wrong". My philisophy is more along the lines of when you get to be a certain age, you have earned the right todo what makes you happy. If no one is beig harmed by this arrangement then what is the harm? It seems that this is a situation that could actually be helpful to both parties concerned.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Another thing that went wrong in my mom's case was that her boyfriends children were not there helping him amd were not aware of how much he was going downhill, and we got stuck with a lot of the care and looking after him that his kids should have done. A lot of this mom took on herself because she loved him and cared about him, but when mom's health deteriorated, then I got stuck with it. His kids started out having him have home care come in after he was diagnosed with dimentia, he hated that and wouldn't let them in the door to help him. Then they tried assisted living, the assisted living workers couldn't deal with him because he was abusive and wouln't let them help him, he wanted my mom to help him. Finally he was sent to a nursing home across town in another facility where he got the care that he needed, by then he had gotten very beligerent with his kids for not taking him in and letting him stay out at his lake house. By then his kids were not able to handle him because of his temper and outbursts, he really needed 24-hour care in an Alzheimers unit. Anyway, it was sad to see such an intelligent, loving man go downhill so fast with dementia and Alzheimers, and doubly sad for mom, she is still in grief therapy and she is now in constance pain from trigeminal neuralgia that we can't get stopped with the treatment availble in our state. Anyway, be sure his kids are not going to pawn off his care on your mom or you and be sure they are actively involved in his care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

just make sure she cant get a hold of his money- how lucky for him - i wish my mom had someone- she used to about a month ago say i wonder if my husband is coming home- they have been divorced for 35 yrs. so i just say i think he had to work overtime and she said ya probably..... hasnt said anything since (but dementia has worsened) just looks at her ring. good luck
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Imw124, When I was 15 and fell in love (with my someday husband) I wanted him all the more when my folks tried to separate us. I had to smile at your story how your mom wanted to keep her boyfriend all the more when her family tried to stop her. I guess there is a reason they call getting old the 'second childhood' isn't there?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

If my dad's demensia wasn't rapidly getting worse I would probably do the same thing as lmw124. The main problelm is that neither one of them has good judgement or reasoning anymore. That is why I was getting ready to move him before this happened. His doctor also recommened moving him to assisted living within the next 2 or 3 months. I know the same thing could happen again in assisted living, but at least he would be monitored more closely. I am worried that the longer this goes on the harder it will be to get him ajusted to a new place.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

now days people just dont marry anymore . they just live together to help each other out and for companiship .
i would just hang on to his apt just in case he has to move back in it one day . that way he wont lose his home .
i know a lady that fell in love with a guy across the hall . he made her happy and she acted like high school girl . gigling and all . lasted few years /
then he passed away , broke her heart , dang it .
as long as theyre happy no need to try mess that up . but when it comes to marraige yeah we gotta try to stop that cuz it messes everything up .
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He still has his apt. and all his belongings are there, none have been moved. He is in her apt most of the time, but returns to his for shower etc. and some nights. My son or I go to the apt daily to give him medication and check on things, but starting a week ago have to go find him. I have been taking care of bills and all money for the past year, so he can't easily lose money. He has no access. The woman's family is taking care of her finances and neither family wants to have any combined payments or give up an apt, so still seperate financially. I know they will both need more care in the near future. His memory is bad enough that he would probably forget her within a matter of weeks if we moved him to assisted living. He would never have done anything like this before the demensia set in. Is this a common problem? How have others handled this?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I had a similar situation happen with my mother and her boyfriend. They were both living in independent living apartments down the hall from each other, he was ten years older but was in good health. At first the relationship was fine with no problems and I was happy that mom had found someone and it did give her a lot of happiness to be with him. However, he started being verbally abusive with her several months later. Then mom fell and broke her back. He never really did understand the problems my mother was having with her back and she became more and more crippled up with osteoporesis. Finally it got to the point where she had to be in a wheelchair, so I moved in with mom and helped her, we were able to get her walking again with the walker. However, he continued to be verbally abusive with her and me and he was losing patience with her back problems ( using the walker, walking too slow, not being able to stand up straight, etc). They were really in love, were emotionally and physically dependent on each other. When I did mention at times when he was verbally abuse with her to cut off the relationship, she would threaten to call the ambudsman and lawyers to let her continue to be with him. Anyway, he became more and more abusive, and started going into dementia and Alzheimers and lost a lot of his memory. She insisted on sticking with him to the end, even though he had to move to a nursing home across town. We had no car, so we ran up about $400 in cab fares. Several times he had proposed to her to marry her, they wanted to live out at his lake house about 45 miles from town alone with no outside help. His kids intervened and had him declared incompetent after the Alzheimers set in.

I think it is great that two 80 year olds can have a romance, however in this case there were some warning signs that dementia might be setting in, with his being verbally abuse with her. They never really moved in with each other, however she did many times stay overnight with him in his apartment and they slept in the same bed together. However, this was cut off when he had to go on assisted living and then to the nursing home. They claimed that I was the one that was in the way keeping them from getting married, but I needed to be there to care for mom, since she was not willing to accept care from anyone else except me. In this case, there wasn't much I could do, once I saw what was really going on when I came to take care of my mom, as their romance was already in full swing. Just be careful, make sure there is no verbal or physical abuse going on and that they are both willing to accept care if their mental or physical condition worsens. In my case, neither one of them was willing to accept outside help, they both wanted to keep their independence to the point that it might endanger them. Be careful about the marriage idea, because then the finances get combined and if either one of them ends up in a nursing home, they will wipe each other out. Mom would have been wiped out financially if they had gotten married before he went into the nursing home.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What happens to his apartment if he's moved in with her? Is he still paying for his apartment too? And what if it doesn't work out, will he be out on his ear with no place to stay? I also would make sure his new roommate is on the up and up financially. I would think her family would want to know that about their mother's new roomies motivation too. Food for thought.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I SO TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU Danial
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The man is in an independent living apartment, not assisted. He is 81 years old. Let him and his friend enjoy each other's company. Companionship can only help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow, stressed1. I would be stressed2, if the shoe were on my foot. That is a tough one as his decision to move in is not based on sound judgment and does not take into account his, or his new friend's safety. It's nice that he is calmer and seems happier. If it were my Dad, or Mom, I would make it a point to let him know that he is not married to the person and remind him that they only met each other recently. I would also let him know that I would really like to meet the person who is making him so happy, then visit with both of them off and on to see how things are going and whether their relationship is fraught with dangers of their mutual dementia symptoms.

You know your Dad better than anyone. Check it out and go with your instinct by doing whatever is your best judgment call on behalf of your Dad. Good luck with outcomes. I hope your Dad continues to feel happy and safe.

Have there been any safety or other issues with his new companion that you know of? May be worth fact-finding to be on the safe side. Last thing your Dad needs is drama down the road.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

While mom was in a nursing home the housekeeping lady visited Dad and helped change mom a few times. She passed away 3 yrs ago and Dad kept in touch w/her. She's in her 40's and is married. Both she and her husband visited Dad many times until I discovered he had "lent" them $2,000. I intervened and she made payments for a short time then stopped. He continually talked about his girlfriend and they were meeting up at Walmart every morning. She asked him to co-sign a loan for car and wanted to move into his house (they offered to let him stay in a separate room with a door leading outside). He refused however continued the relationship. He became infatuated with her and mentioned numerous times that they had been intimate. He's 87 yrs old. I finally intervened and after speaking with her several times to no avail (he actually defended her each time) My sister and I went to her job and spoke with her boss twice. The woman dropped off a check for the balance she supposedly owed him and he ended up in the hospital that night for a week after almost disowning me and my sister -- He went into a rage and was so heartbroken he almost had a heart attack and went into a severe depression. Did I do the right thing? Absolutely. We need to protect them from themselves. My concern was the husband coming after him and possibly hurting him.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

From the male point of view, I think this is a beautiful situation. If your Dad is 81, I would say that there is very little chance of a sexual relationship going on. I see no complicating factors here. There will not be a marriage to cause financial problems with the relatives, etc. They are both survivors of deceased partners. Does anyone not relate to the need for just the presence and touch of another human being? I doubt that it is not an experience craved by people with dementia. If you observe how, very often, a patient will respond and brighten up when being kissed and hugged, or having their hair stroked, etc.

And just on the very whisical and practical side, his new friend cannot get pregnant, so that's one less thing to worry about!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Do nothing except smile.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

What a lucky break for both of them. Nance is right, let it be, let it be and figure out ways to have gatherings with both families!
I bet they'll be good for each other and support each other through the scary parts of the future.

lovbob
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Good for them--let them be happy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If the relationship is not emotionally, physically, or monetarily abusive be happy that your father has found a companion. There is a movie that broaches the subject of love in AD sufferers. Julie Christie portrays the female lead in Away From Her, a film about a long-married Canadian couple coping with the wife's Alzheimer's disease. The movie is very good, rent it, watch it....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I say let them alone it is nice to have a friend so many older folks sit alone and have no pleasure as long as her family is alright with it they can keep an eye on each other if I were him I would be pleased to have someone who cares for me-I would not mind a friend like that at my age after the stressful marriage I had and now being a widow,
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Companionship is good medicine. He's 81, they seem happy. Try to find a way to let them be together. An alternative to changing his living arrangements (which can be extremely disruptive for someone with dementia) is home care. In general, and based on the way you describe your father, he doesn't require round-the-clock medical care. He (they) just might need someone to keep an eye on them and attend to certain needs. Non-medical home care wouldn't be expensive and perhaps his "girlfriend's" family may even help with the cost. Whatever you decide, good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.