My 81 y/o mom lives with me & has Alzheimer’s. I’m having issues adjusting to having a life to not having one. How do I stop the resentment?

Seriously consider full time care and in the meantime, tell your husband to pull his finger out of his you know what and start helping more. He needs to do less
“me” time and activities and more “ we” time on your mother and you

Thank you for responding. Le Bron Fan. The thing is that for me, my husband, and 23 year old daughter, it’s just too much. My mother slowly opens our bedroom doors, and then stares at us. My dog sleeps with me. My husband works night turn, so thank God, he’s been spared. My dogs ears go up, and then I see the door handle moving. Same thing happens with my daughter. It’s been a 3 year journey. 24/7. My husband and I go see his 84 year old mother , 8 hour drive, a couple times a year. My daughter then watches my mother. Believe me I get it. Going from one senior to another , And calling that a vacation. Well. That’s not our definition of a get away. But we do it. His mom is fine. Never wanted to burden her kids. Lives in an independent living apartment complex, but assisted care, and memory care is on the premises. My husband took a shower in a different bathroom than he usually does in our house, because some work was being done in our bathroom. My mother went straight in and didn’t knock. Again thank God we have dark shower curtains, but he was not too happy. Since she refuses to sleep in her bedroom, she basically has the first floor . He gets home after a 12 hour night turn shift, wants to just chill and have a breakfast sandwich. He can have his sandwich, but she’s in the family room watching Fox News. It’s an open floor plan. We are also not that young. He’s 62. I’m 58. We want to enjoy our life. He and I agreed to keep her with us until it wasn’t safe for her anymore. That’s where we are now. The falls, the poor judgement, A few days ago, she ran behind his large SUV. My daughter was here, I told her about 10 seconds before we left that we were taking the dog with us. She still ran down the deck steps and was behind his car. Even with my daughter here and my explaining we were taking the dog,, she did something extremely dangerous. So at this point, I know it’s time. Plus my once low pressure no longer exists, I wake up about 4 times a night worrying . It’s a tough decision, but I completed the application, and she is third on the list for an outstanding beautiful memory care unit. Sorry I rambled for so long. God Bless you and your family too

LeBronFan, even though my folks have passed a couple of years ago, I still have resentment big time. Many a time I though my parents would out-live me. It was so very exhausting and emotionally draining. Parents refused caregivers, and downsizing.

I felt life was so unfair. My parents had a wonderful fun filled retirement right up into their 90's, and they continued to live in their house. Oh my gosh, I had many a sleepless night wondering who would be next to fall down their stairs. The stress was overwhelming, and I just don't handle stress very well. Thus, I developed a serious illness that knocked me for a loop. Never recovered from that.

So I am dealing with a new normal. But I am not happy about it. Oh well, at least I still have my career to give me purpose to get up every morning :) It just hurts so much that I can't go sightseeing with my sig other's grandchildren when the family visits as we live in Washington DC area, and there is tons of places to visit.

Can you accept respite for a couple of weeks. Just because we can do something doesn't mean that we should do it 24/7/365×3 and counting.

If you don't take a break and regroup you will have caregiver burnout and getting over that takes a long time.

Find someone or someplace that will take care of her and plan a vacation for you and hubby. He is probably having some resentment as well. Remember, this doesn't just impact you, it impacts him and everyone that knows and loves you. They have lost you to your moms disease.

You will get past this. At some point, you will accept that “ putting her in a home”. May be the best option. My mother has fallen 4 times in 2 years. She’s been lucky. No major damage. Yesterday , after I told her we were taking the dog with us in my husband ‘s car, she ran down the deck stairs to ask if we had the dog. My point is, my husband could have backed over her. I am on call 24/7. It’s incredibly hard. My mother needs bathed twice a week, her driving license was revoked a year ago, she scored very poorly on the MMSE. She’s on a waiting list for a beautiful memory care unit. I can not stay awake 24 hours a day to make sure she doesn’t fall , or do something dangerous. Now I’m at the point where the best for both of us is memory care