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My mother moved in with my husband and I about 3 years ago. She has late Stage Alzheimer’s. In the beginning I handled her and her condition well but soon I knew what I knew and had of a life of my own was over. I’m her primary caregiver and am with her 24/7. I love her very much and refuse to put her in a home as long as I can take care of her at my home. But I am starting to feel resentment towards her because my husband and I used to have a very active life and now I have no life except taking care of my mom. My husband still gets to do a lot of what he wants but he helps me sometimes. Then I feel so guilty for being resentful. How do I deal with these feelings and avoid burn out?

Seriously consider full time care and in the meantime, tell your husband to pull his finger out of his you know what and start helping more. He needs to do less
“me” time and activities and more “ we” time on your mother and you
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Thank you for responding. Le Bron Fan. The thing is that for me, my husband, and 23 year old daughter, it’s just too much. My mother slowly opens our bedroom doors, and then stares at us. My dog sleeps with me. My husband works night turn, so thank God, he’s been spared. My dogs ears go up, and then I see the door handle moving. Same thing happens with my daughter. It’s been a 3 year journey. 24/7. My husband and I go see his 84 year old mother , 8 hour drive, a couple times a year. My daughter then watches my mother. Believe me I get it. Going from one senior to another , And calling that a vacation. Well. That’s not our definition of a get away. But we do it. His mom is fine. Never wanted to burden her kids. Lives in an independent living apartment complex, but assisted care, and memory care is on the premises. My husband took a shower in a different bathroom than he usually does in our house, because some work was being done in our bathroom. My mother went straight in and didn’t knock. Again thank God we have dark shower curtains, but he was not too happy. Since she refuses to sleep in her bedroom, she basically has the first floor . He gets home after a 12 hour night turn shift, wants to just chill and have a breakfast sandwich. He can have his sandwich, but she’s in the family room watching Fox News. It’s an open floor plan. We are also not that young. He’s 62. I’m 58. We want to enjoy our life. He and I agreed to keep her with us until it wasn’t safe for her anymore. That’s where we are now. The falls, the poor judgement, A few days ago, she ran behind his large SUV. My daughter was here, I told her about 10 seconds before we left that we were taking the dog with us. She still ran down the deck steps and was behind his car. Even with my daughter here and my explaining we were taking the dog,, she did something extremely dangerous. So at this point, I know it’s time. Plus my once low pressure no longer exists, I wake up about 4 times a night worrying . It’s a tough decision, but I completed the application, and she is third on the list for an outstanding beautiful memory care unit. Sorry I rambled for so long. God Bless you and your family too
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LeBronFan Apr 30, 2019
My husband and I have discussed placing her in a memory care unit. We live in a smaller size city with few options as far as facilities. I want to make sure if we do place her somewhere it is clean, attentive staff, and an overall decent facility. I want her taken care of. Making that decision will be very hard on me. I love my mother even though she’s not my mother anymore really. I’m sure she’s scared herself. Thanks for sharing you and your families situation with me. It really did help hearing your story.
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LeBronFan, even though my folks have passed a couple of years ago, I still have resentment big time. Many a time I though my parents would out-live me. It was so very exhausting and emotionally draining. Parents refused caregivers, and downsizing.

I felt life was so unfair. My parents had a wonderful fun filled retirement right up into their 90's, and they continued to live in their house. Oh my gosh, I had many a sleepless night wondering who would be next to fall down their stairs. The stress was overwhelming, and I just don't handle stress very well. Thus, I developed a serious illness that knocked me for a loop. Never recovered from that.

So I am dealing with a new normal. But I am not happy about it. Oh well, at least I still have my career to give me purpose to get up every morning :) It just hurts so much that I can't go sightseeing with my sig other's grandchildren when the family visits as we live in Washington DC area, and there is tons of places to visit.
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LeBronFan Apr 29, 2019
Thank you so much for sharing your situation with me. It is comforting to know that I’m not the only one going through what my family is going through. It’s just so hard to watch my mom not be my mom anymore. Not to mention not knowing what to expect from minute to minute. Her temperament changes, her personality changes, everything changes from day to day so that is how we live our lives now. And it’s no fun. I’m exhausted; mentally, physically, etc. my husband has been my rock and thank God for him and his family. I couldn’t make it without their help. I’m just depressed and anxious about her and our future. But I do appreciate you sharing. Thanks so much.
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Can you accept respite for a couple of weeks. Just because we can do something doesn't mean that we should do it 24/7/365×3 and counting.

If you don't take a break and regroup you will have caregiver burnout and getting over that takes a long time.

Find someone or someplace that will take care of her and plan a vacation for you and hubby. He is probably having some resentment as well. Remember, this doesn't just impact you, it impacts him and everyone that knows and loves you. They have lost you to your moms disease.
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LeBronFan Apr 29, 2019
Thank you so very much for offering you’re much needed and appreciated advice and insight. My husband and I have been dealing with my mom, who has late stage Alzheimer’s and lives with us, for 3 years. Our entire lives have changed. Mine especially because I’m her 24/7 caregiver. Things are getting harder and harder as she progressively gets worse. I love my mother very much and as long as we can we will keep her home with us. It’s just such a change for my husband and I and I know he has resentment. I know I have a lot of resentment, guilt, you name it! We’ve spoke about it. Hopefully I can follow your sdvice and take a vacation with hubby soon. Thanks again for listening. I’m just on the verge of a burn out. Then what?
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You will get past this. At some point, you will accept that “ putting her in a home”. May be the best option. My mother has fallen 4 times in 2 years. She’s been lucky. No major damage. Yesterday , after I told her we were taking the dog with us in my husband ‘s car, she ran down the deck stairs to ask if we had the dog. My point is, my husband could have backed over her. I am on call 24/7. It’s incredibly hard. My mother needs bathed twice a week, her driving license was revoked a year ago, she scored very poorly on the MMSE. She’s on a waiting list for a beautiful memory care unit. I can not stay awake 24 hours a day to make sure she doesn’t fall , or do something dangerous. Now I’m at the point where the best for both of us is memory care
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LeBronFan Apr 29, 2019
Thanks for listening and writing back. It sounds to me like your situation is similar to mine. My moms thing is wandering not falling although She has fallen before. There may be s a time that we will have to put her in a home but only if we can’t handle her or she’s super showing out. I’m taking things day by day. I’m depressed a lot, my husband and I need some ‘u’ time, and everything is so freakin out. But God Bless you and your family and thank you
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